CHAPTER THREE: THE LETTERS FROM NO ONE
"Yes! That must be the Hogwarts letter!" James crowed. Sirius stood up and began to do a strange happy dance. When he finished, he saw everyone staring at him, openmouthed.
"What?" he asked. Regulus recovered first and cried,
"My eyes! My poor, poor eyes!" Lily shook her head and began to read, before allowing Sirius to retort back.
"Before we start this, I better take everyone's wand before they do something rash," Luna said, almost to herself. She held out her hand and everyone gave her their wand, though reluctantly.
The escape of the Brazilian boa constrictor earned Harry his longest-ever punishment.
"Again, we HAVE to do something like that," Sirius declared.
By the time he was allowed out of his cupboard again, the summer holidays had started and Dudley had already broken his new video camera, crashed his remote control airplane, and, first time out on his racing bike, knocked down old Mrs. Figg as she crossed Privet Drive on her crutches.
"Of course. Brat," Severus said, rolling his eyes.
Harry was glad school was over, but there was no escaping Dudley's gang, who visited the house every single day. Piers, Dennis, Malcolm, and Gordon were all big and stupid, but as Dudley was the biggest and stupidest of the lot, he was the leader.
"I love your son's cheek, Prongs," Sirius said with a laugh. James grinned proudly at the reminder that Harry was his son.
The rest of them were all quite happy to join in Dudley's favorite sport: Harry Hunting.
Lily huffed loudly, and Sirius growled. Everyone else was glaring at the book in Lily's hands.
"That idiot! He is one messed up kid," Sirius exclaimed.
"Agreed. And I have firsthand experience with living in the same house as a humongous prat," Regulus said, smirking.
"Must you insult me?" Sirius asked in a mock tearful voice.
"Yep," everyone said together.
This was why Harry spent as much time as possible out of the house, wandering around and thinking about the end of the holidays, where he could see a tiny ray of hope. When September came he would be going off to secondary school and, for the first time in his life, he wouldn't be with Dudley. Dudley had been accepted at Uncle Vernon's old private school, Smeltings. Piers Polkiss was going there too. Harry, on the other hand, was going to Stonewall High, the local public school. Dudley thought this was very funny.
"What's wrong with public schools?" Lily said with a glare to the book she was holding.
"I'd rather be there than a git like Dursley's old school," Remus agreed.
"Besides," Lily huffed, "Petunia went to a public school."
"It's not seeming so great now," James said.
"Who cares?" Regulus said casually, "He'll be going to Hogwarts."
"Oh, right," Lily said, blushing.
"They stuff people's heads down the toilet the first day at Stonewall, " he told Harry. "Want to come upstairs and practice?"
"No, thanks, " said Harry. "The poor toilet's never had anything as horrible as your head down it – it might be sick. "
"That is so like Lily," Remus said, chuckling. Lily grinned as she found more of herself in her son.
"I hope Dudley won't go after him for it, though," Regulus said.
"He won't," Severus clarified, "He won't be smart enough to realize what Harry said."
Then he ran, before Dudley could work out what he'd said. One day in July, Aunt Petunia took Dudley to London to buy his Smeltings uniform, leaving Harry at Mrs. Figg's. Mrs. Figg wasn't as bad as usual. It turned out she'd broken her leg tripping over one of her cats, and she didn't seem quite as fond of them as before.
"Of course," Sirius said, nodding his head, "Cats are evil creatures."
"Just because Aunt Druella always had her cat attack you doesn't mean all cats are like that," Regulus said with a sigh. James and Remus snickered at Sirius' expression.
She let Harry watch television and gave him a bit of chocolate cake that tasted as though she'd had it for several years.
"Still, at least it's chocolate," Remus said.
"Oh yeah," Regulus said sarcastically, "Who cares if it's ancient as long as it's chocolate?" Everyone let out small snorts of laughter at Remus' expression.
That evening, Dudley paraded around the living room for the family in his brand-new uniform. Smeltings' boys wore maroon tailcoats, orange knickerbockers, and flat straw hats called boaters. They also carried knobby sticks, used for hitting each other while the teachers weren't looking.
"Isn't that charming!" Severus said.
"I'd rather go to the public school," Remus said.
"Everyone in their right mind would want to go to the public school," Regulus said. "Which means Siri would have a blast at Smeltings."
"Oi!" Sirius cried out, "And don't call me Siri!"
"Oh right," Regulus snickered, "Only your fan girls can call you that."
"You shouldn't be talking, Reggie."
"Shut up!"
Lily halted the argument by reading.
This was supposed to be good training for later life. As he looked at Dudley in his new knickerbockers, Uncle Vernon said gruffly that
"He was a complete idiot for putting his son in that school!" James suggested.
it was the proudest moment of his life. Aunt Petunia burst into tears and said she couldn't believe it was her Ickle Dudleykins,
"I'll admit it. That nickname's much, much worse than Reggie," Regulus said.
"So we can call you that?" James asked slyly.
"Don't you dare, Potter – or should I say, Antler-boy."
"Shut it!" James said quickly, glancing at Lily. She looked confused, as did Severus, but the other two Marauders looked horrified at the thought of their secret coming out. Luna was shaking her head but stayed quiet. Again, she wasn't here to talk to them. She was here to make things run smoothly, and it was working.
he looked so handsome and grown-up. Harry didn't trust himself to speak. He thought two of his ribs might already have cracked from trying not to laugh.
"It's a miracle!" Sirius yelled loudly.
"What is?" Remus asked slowly, knowing he'd regret it.
"The bloody fact that a Potter had self control!"
"Language, Sirius," Lily reprimanded. Sirius snorted but didn't dare to say anything else. After a minute of glaring at Sirius, Lily continued to read.
There was a horrible smell in the kitchen the next morning when Harry went in for breakfast. It seemed to be coming from a large metal tub in the sink. He went to have a look.
The tub was full of what looked like dirty rags swimming in gray water.
"What's this?" he asked Aunt Petunia. Her lips tightened as they always did if he dared to ask a question.
"Your new school uniform, " she said.
"That's disgusting!" Remus said. Even though his clothes were somewhat shabby, he'd never wear something like that.
"I'd rather wear that than a maroon coat and orange knicker bottoms," Severus said. Everyone agreed.
Harry looked in the bowl again.
"Oh, " he said, "I didn't realize it had to be so wet. "
"Go sarcasm!" Sirius sang.
"It never works on Petunia," Lily said sadly.
"Don't be stupid, " snapped Aunt Petunia.
"See."
"I'm dyeing some of Dudley's old things gray for you. It'll look just like everyone else's when I've finished."
"You know, maybe the public school isn't the best school around, either," Regulus said.
"Are you calling my sister stupid," Lily said, mock angrily.
"Why yes, yes I am." Regulus said pompously.
"Good, 'cause your right."
Harry seriously doubted this, but thought it best not to argue. He sat down at the table and tried not to think about how he was going to look on his first day at Stonewall High - like he was wearing bits of old elephant skin, probably.
"Again with the animal comparisons!" James said.
Dudley and Uncle Vernon came in, both with wrinkled noses because of the smell from Harry's new uniform. Uncle Vernon opened his newspaper as usual and Dudley banged his Smelting stick, which he carried everywhere, on the table.
They heard the click of the mail slot and flop of letters on the doormat.
"Get the mail, Dudley, " said Uncle Vernon from behind his paper.
"Make Harry get it. "
"Get the mail, Harry. "
"Make Dudley get it. "
"Not going to work, Harry," Remus muttered.
"Poke him with your Smelting stick, Dudley."Harry dodged the Smelting stick and went to get the mail. Three things lay on the doormat: a postcard from Uncle Vernon's sister Marge, who was vacationing on the Isle of Wight, a brown envelope that looked like a bill, and - a letter for Harry. Harry picked it up and stared at it, his heart twanging like a giant elastic band.
"Hogwarts letter! Yay!" Sirius called, jumping out of his chair.
"Sit!" Lily ordered, pulling him down.
"I didn't know you wanted me this close, Evans," Sirius said leaning into her.
"Oi! Get away from my future wife!" James said warningly. Sirius ignored him, waggling his eyebrows at Lily. Surprisingly, Luna spoke up,
"Want your wand back, Lily?" Lily nodded, but Sirius, who believed then to be joking, had closed his eyes and was leaning against Lily's shoulder.
"Silencio!" Lily yelled, "Rictusempra!" Sirius fell off the coach, shaking with silent laughter. He was rolling on the floor, wildly. After a couple minutes, Lily took the charms off of him, and he sat up, glared at Luna, and returned to his seat.
No one, ever, in his whole life, had written to him. Who would? He had no friends, no other relatives –
"Lily and James smiled sadly at each other, reminded off their future. James took Lily's hand in his and, surprisingly, she didn't take it away.
he didn't belong to the library, so he'd never even got rude notes asking for books back.
Regulus shivered, remembering when he had lost one of Madam Pince's library books. It had been terrible.
Yet here it was, a letter, addressed so plainly there could be no mistake: Mr. H. Potter The Cupboard under the Stairs4 Privet Drive Little Whinging Surrey, The envelope was thick and heavy, made of yellowish parchment, and the address was written in emerald-green ink. There was no stamp.
"What's a stamp?" James asked curiously.
"Nothing," Lily said, rolling her eyes.
"And don't ask questions!" Regulus and Sirius cried at the same time. Then they turned, shocked, and stared at each other.
Turning the envelope over, his hand trembling, Harry saw a purple wax seal bearing a coat of arms; a lion, an eagle, a badger, and a snake surrounding a large letter H.
"Go Hoggy Warty!" Sirius called in Remus' ear.
"Sirius!" Remus rebuked, "I do know how to do a wandless silencing charm!"
"Really?" Severus asked, impressed in spite of himself. That was really hard magic.
"How'd you think I survived six years in a dorm with these gits and Wormtail?"
"Hurry up, boy!" shouted Uncle Vernon from the kitchen. "What are you doing, checking for letter bombs?" He chuckled at his own joke.
"That arrogant idiot!" Lily said.
"I don't get the joke," James said quietly to Sirius.
"Neither do I," Sirius admitted.
Harry went back to the kitchen, still staring at his letter. He handed Uncle Vernon the bill and the postcard, sat down, and slowly began to open the yellow envelope. Uncle Vernon ripped open the bill, snorted in disgust, and flipped over the postcard. "Marge's ill, " he informed Aunt Petunia. "Ate a funny whelk. -. "
"Dad!" said Dudley suddenly. "Dad, Harry's got something!"
"Mind your own business!" Lily yelled at the book.
"Uh, Lils," James said, "No matter how loud you yell, he won't be able to hear you." Lily glared at him before reading again.
Harry was on the point of unfolding his letter, which was written on the same heavy parchment as the envelope, when it was jerked sharply out of his hand by Uncle Vernon.
"Git!"
"That's mine!" said Harry, trying to snatch it back.
"Who'd be writing to you?" sneered Uncle Vernon, shaking the letter open with one hand and glancing at it.
His face went from red to green faster than a set of traffic lights. And it didn't stop there. Within seconds it was the grayish white of old porridge.
"I'd love to see that!" Sirius said, bursting into laughter.
"P-P-Petunia!" he gasped. Dudley tried to grab the letter to read it, but Uncle Vernon held it high out of his reach. Aunt Petunia took it curiously and read the first line. For a moment it looked as though she might faint. She clutched her throat and made a choking noise.
"Then she choked to death, fell on Dursley senior, making him fall out of a window. Dudley imploded from all the food he eats, and Harry moves in with Uncle Sirius. The End," Sirius said, looking proud of himself. Everyone stared at him for a second, utterly shocked. Then the Marauders started to laugh and everyone else joined in.
"Vernon! Oh my goodness - Vernon!"
They stared at each other, seeming to have forgotten that Harry and Dudley were still in the room. Dudley wasn't used to being ignored. He gave his father a sharp tap on the head with his Smelting stick.
"I wish I could do that to my mother," Sirius said thoughtfully. Surprisingly, Regulus snickered along with everyone else. The others stared at him when he didn't take offense to that.
"What?" he said, "Just because I side with my family doesn't mean that her reaction wouldn't be hilarious."
"I want to read that letter, " he said loudly.
" I want to read it, " said Harry furiously, "as it's mine."
"Get out, both of you, " croaked Uncle Vernon, stuffing the letter back inside its envelope. Harry didn't move.
"GIVE HIM HIS LETTER!" Lily shouted suddenly. Then she glanced at the next line and laughed.
"What?" James asked. In response, she read.
"I WANT MY LETTER!" he shouted.
"Lily's temper!" Sirius sang.
"Let me see it!" demanded Dudley.
"Why should he see it?" Severus asked, "It's not like it concerns that ugly git."
"OUT!" roared Uncle Vernon, and he took both Harry and Dudley by the scruffs of their necks and threw them into the hall, slamming the kitchen door behind them. Harry and Dudley promptly had a furious but silent fight over who would listen at the keyhole;
"Of course," Regulus said, amused despite the tense anger over the Dursleys keeping Harry's letter from him.
Dudley won, so Harry, his glasses dangling from one ear, lay flat on his stomach to listen at the crack between door and floor.
"That's probably better anyway," James pointed out.
"True, true," Sirius said, mocking a thoughtful tone.
"Hmm, Siri, have you ever realis
"Vernon, " Aunt Petunia was saying in a quivering voice, "look at the address - how could they possibly know where he sleeps? You don't think they're watching the house?"
"Like your worth spying on!" Regulus spat out.
"Stupid muggles," Severus grumbled.
"Watching - spying - might be following us, " muttered Uncle Vernon wildly.
"He's finally gone off the deep end," Sirius said mocking disbelief. Regulus snorted.
"That's what I thought the night you ran away."
"Oi! Reggiekins, don't be mean!"
"But what should we do, Vernon? Should we write back? Tell them we don't want - "
"Not going to work!" James said fiercely.
Harry could see Uncle Vernon's shiny black shoes pacing up and down the kitchen.
"No, " he said finally. "No, we'll ignore it. If they don't get an answer... Yes, that's best... We won't do anything... "But - - ""I'm not having one in the house, Petunia! Didn't we swear when we took him in we'd stamp out that dangerous nonsense?"
"How dare he!" James growled looking murderous. Lily felt tears begin to run down her cheeks. Did her sister truly hate her that much? She had known it was bad, but this was completely horrible.
That evening when he got back from work, Uncle Vernon did something he'd never done before; he visited Harry in his cupboard.
"Where's my letter?" said Harry, the moment Uncle Vernon had squeezed through the door. "Who's writing to me?"
"No one. It was addressed to you by mistake, " said Uncle Vernon shortly. "I have burned it. "
"It was not a mistake, " said Harry angrily, "it had my cupboard on it."
"Duh," Severus said, rolling his eyes. "How could that have been wrong?"
"SILENCE!" yelled Uncle Vernon, and a couple of spiders fell from the ceiling.
"Poor spiders," Regulus said. Everyone stared at him incredulously. "What? Nothing should have to hear that."
"So, you pity the spiders more than my son," Lily growled threateningly.
"Merlin no, Lily," Regulus assured her, even if he hadn't known her long, he did not want to get on the wrong side of that temper.
He took a few deep breaths and then forced his face into a smile, which looked quite painful. "Er - yes, Harry - about this cupboard. Your aunt and I have been thinking... You're really getting a bit big for it... We think it might be nice if you moved into Dudley's second bedroom.
"Second bedroom," repeated Sirius faintly. "Even my parents don't spoil Reggie enough to give him two rooms."
"Oi! I am not spoiled!" Regulus exclaimed.
"Why?" said Harry.
"Don't question it, Harry! Just go with it!" James cried out.
"Don't ask questions!" snapped his uncle. "Take this stuff upstairs, now."
The Dursleys' house had four bedrooms: one for Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia, one for visitors (usually Uncle Vernon's sister, Marge), one where Dudley slept, and one where Dudley kept all the toys and things that wouldn't fit into his first bedroom.
"I can't believe anyone would mess up their son that bad," Severus said.
"Yeah!" James agreed, "He's more wacked than Sirius!"
"Oi!"
"Did you just agree with me, Potter?" Severus asked, raising an eyebrow. James adopted a shocked look as he too realized what Severus was saying.
"Er…"
"And that's why James isn't known for his comebacks," Sirius announced, clearly still annoyed by James' earlier statement.
It only took Harry one trip upstairs to move everything he owned from the cupboard to this room. He sat down on the bed and stared around him. Nearly everything in here was broken. The month-old video camera was lying on top of a small, working tank Dudley had once driven over the next door neighbor's dog;
"Poor dog," Sirius said somberly. Everyone stared at him for a second before beginning to laugh like crazy.
in the corner was Dudley's first-ever television set, which he'd put his foot through when his favorite program had been canceled; there was a large birdcage, which had once held a parrot that Dudley had swapped at school for a real air rifle, which was up on a shelf with the end all bent because Dudley had sat on it. Other shelves were full of books. They were the only things in the room that looked as though they'd never been touched. From downstairs came the sound of Dudley bawling at his mother,
"I don't want him in there... I need that room... Make him get out... "
"That little monster!" Regulus exclaimed loudly.
"Or not so little," Sirius pointed out.
"I was referring to his maturity level," Regulus countered.
Harry sighed and stretched out on the bed. Yesterday he'd have given anything to be up here. Today he'd rather be back in his cupboard with that letter than up here without it.
"That's really sad," Remus said shaking his head. How dare someone treat his friend's son like that!
Next morning at breakfast, everyone was rather quiet. Dudley was in shock. He'd screamed, whacked his father with his Smelting stick, been sick on purpose, kicked his mother, and thrown his tortoise through the greenhouse roof, and he still didn't have his room back.
"Finally! Someone knock some sense into the devil!" Sirius exclaimed.
"Weird," Lily said with a grimace, "For once I agree with both Black and Dursley."
Harry was thinking about this time yesterday and bitterly wishing he'd opened the letter in the hall. Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia kept looking at each other darkly. When the mail arrived, Uncle Vernon, who seemed to be trying to be nice to Harry, made Dudley go and get it. They heard him banging things with his Smelting stick all the way down the hall.
Then he shouted, "There's another one! 'Mr. H. Potter, The Smallest Bedroom, 4 Privet Drive –"
"Idiot! If he wanted to read it, then why scream about it!" Remus said vehemently.
"Lupin, we've already came to the conclusion that Dursley has less sense than Black. Why question his stupidity?" Severus said.
"Why does everyone pick on me?" Sirius fake-sobbed.
With a strangled cry, Uncle Vernon leapt from his seat and ran down the hall, Harry right behind him. Uncle Vernon had to wrestle Dudley to the ground to get the letter from him, which was made difficult by the fact that Harry had grabbed Uncle Vernon around the neck from behind.
"Go Harry!" James yelled.
"Hit him where it hurts!" Sirius yelled.
"They really are idiots," Regulus whispered, shaking his head.
After a minute of confused fighting, in which everyone got hit a lot by the Smelting stick, Uncle Vernon straightened up, gasping for breath, with Harry's letter clutched in his hand.
"-"
"Padfoot, shut up!" Remus ordered.
"Go to your cupboard - I mean, your bedroom, " he wheezed at Harry. "Dudley - go - just go. "Harry walked round and round his new room. Someone knew he had moved out of his cupboard and they seemed to know he hadn't received his first letter. Surely that meant they'd try again? And this time he'd make sure they didn't fail. He had a plan.
"Oh no. This will not end well," Remus stated.
"Why, Moony?" James asked, puzzled.
"He's too much like you, and you're plans are worth crap," Remus said.
"Ouch! I make good plans, Remus!" James defended.
"Like the time you wanted to tie Severus to a broom and shoot him off towards the Whomping Willow?"
"What!" Severus shouted. Lily frowned at the Marauders but was grateful that at least one of them had common sense.
"That was Sirius' idea!"
"Oi!"
The repaired alarm clock rang at six o'clock the next morning. Harry turned it off quickly and dressed silently. He mustn't wake the Dursleys. He stole downstairs without turning on any of the lights. He was going to wait for the postman on the corner of Privet Drive and get the letters for number four first.
"That's not a terrible idea," Regulus admitted.
"But knowing Prongs, it will go wrong," Sirius said, shaking his head in mock shame.
His heart hammered as he crept across the dark hall toward the front door -Harry leapt into the air; he'd trodden on something big and squashy on the doormat - something alive!
"And that proves our point," Sirius and Remus said together.
"Shut up," James muttered, grinning.
Lights clicked on upstairs and to his horror Harry realized that the big, squashy something had been his uncle's face.
"At least he got to step on him," Regulus pointed out.
Uncle Vernon had been lying at the foot of the front door in a sleeping bag, clearly making sure that Harry didn't do exactly what he'd been trying to do. He shouted at Harry for about half an hour and then told him to go and make a cup of tea.
"Ouch," Regulus said, wincing. He knew what Sirius and his mother's screaming matches had been like when they lasted that long, and he hadn't even been on the same floor as them.
Harry shuffled miserably off into the kitchen and by the time he got back, the mail had arrived, right into Uncle Vernon's lap. Harry could see three letters addressed in green ink.
"They're starting to send more," Remus said, chuckling.
"You sound like you have personal experience, Lupin," Severus said.
"Er – yeah. I got about twelve letters 'cause I ripped the first few up, thinking they wouldn't let me in."
"Why wouldn't they?" Lily asked.
"Because he's a prat," James replied immediately. It helped the tension and took Moony out of the spotlight, but Lily still looked slightly suspicious.
I want - - " he began, but Uncle Vernon was tearing the letters into pieces before his eyes. Uncle Vernon didn't go to work that day. He stayed at home and nailed up the mail slot.
"See, " he explained to Aunt Petunia through a mouthful of nails, "if they can't deliver them they'll just give up. "
"Not going to work!" Sirius sang in Remus' ear.
"Silencio!" Remus cried, effectively silencing Sirius without a wand.
"I'm not sure that'll work, Vernon. "
"Petunia understands it from when I got my letter," Lily said angrily. "She should know better than this!"
"Oh, these people's minds work in strange ways, Petunia, they're not like you and me,"
"Thank Merlin for that," Regulus said, disgusted by that vile man.
said Uncle Vernon, trying to knock in a nail with the piece of fruitcake Aunt Petunia had just brought him.
Everyone snickered slightly, and Lily grinned, remembering how terrible Tuney had been at cooking.
On Friday, no less than twelve letters arrived for Harry.
As they couldn't go through the mail slot they had been pushed under the door, slotted through the sides, and a few even forced through the small window in the downstairs bathroom.
"Go magic!" Sirius yelled, breaking the charm on him. Everyone but Remus and James stared at him in shock.
"How'd he do that?" Lily wondered aloud.
"Lots of practice," Remus said, smirking as he shook his head.
Uncle Vernon stayed at home again. After burning all the letters, he got out a hammer and nails and boarded up the cracks around the front and back doors so no one could go out. He hummed "Tip toe Through the Tulips" as he worked, and jumped at small noises.
"He's gone utterly mad," Severus stated flatly.
"Thank you! I didn't notice!" Regulus called out sarcastically.
On Saturday, things began to get out of hand. Twenty-four letters to Harry found their way into the house, rolled up and hidden inside each of the two dozen eggs that their very confused milkman had handed Aunt Petunia through the living room window.
"Yes! Go Hogwarts!" James yelled.
"Don't make me silence y-" Remus managed to say before starting to laugh. Everyone else joined in.
While Uncle Vernon made furious telephone calls to the post office and the dairy trying to find someone to complain to, Aunt Petunia shredded the letters in her food processor.
"Who on earth wants to talk to you this badly?" Dudley asked Harry in amazement.
"Everyone! 'Cause my son's awesome!" James yelled.
On Sunday morning, Uncle Vernon sat down at the breakfast table looking tired and rather ill, but happy.
"No post on Sundays, " he reminded them cheerfully as he spread marmalade on his newspapers, "no damn letters today - - "
"Murphey's law," Lily said with a chuckle.
"What's Murphey's law?" James and Sirius asked.
"Muggle saying," Severus said, waving aside their confusion.
Something came whizzing down the kitchen chimney as he spoke and caught him sharply on the back of the head.
"Told ya!" Lily said. Severus smiled at her while James and Sirius were still puzzled. A
'Ah,' Severus thought, 'Making them seem like fools in front of Lily never gets old.'
Next moment, thirty or forty letters came pelting out of the fireplace like bullets. The Dursleys ducked, but Harry leapt into the air trying to catch one.
"seeker in the making!" James crowed happily.
"Hate to burst your bubble, Prongs," Remus said, "But it's taking him pretty long to catch one."
"Noooo!"
"Out! OUT!" Uncle Vernon seized Harry around the waist and threw him into the hall. When Aunt Petunia and Dudley had run out with their arms over their faces, Uncle Vernon slammed the door shut. They could hear the letters still streaming into the room, bouncing off the walls and floor.
"Hogwarts is great," Regulus said chuckling.
"No shit!" Sirius said. Lily glared at him and smacked him rather hard.
"Sirius! Language," she reprimanded. Sirius cowered under the Evans Death Glare and said,
"Sorry, Evans! Don't hurt me!"
"Gryffindor my arse!" Regulus exclaimed, laughing.
"Regulus!" And suddenly Regulus, too, was shrinking away from Lily.
"That does it, " said Uncle Vernon, trying to speak calmly but pulling great tufts out of his mustache at the same time.
"The poor mustache," Sirius said, wiping away a fake tear.
"Hope it hurt," Lily muttered, but Severus heard her.
"But Lils!" he said, uncharacteristically in mock surprise, "Violence is never the answer. Unless you're dealing with Black and Potter, of course."
"Shut it, Snivellous!" Sirius said. Remus, who was trying to keep the peace shouted,
"Sirius! Silencio!" Suddenly, Siirus was silenced once more. "Sorry 'bout that, Severus." He didn't answer, so Lily, after a moment, cleared her throat awkwardly and began reading again.
"I want you all back here in five minutes ready to leave. We're going away. Just pack some clothes. No arguments!" He looked so dangerous with half his mustache missing that no one dared argue.
"Dangerous!" James said in shock, "I'd be laughing my head off!"
"That's because you're insane, Potter," Regulus pointed out.
Ten minutes later they had wrenched their way through the boarded-up doors and were in the car, speeding toward the highway. Dudley was sniffling in the back seat; his father had hit him round the head for holding them up while he tried to pack his television, VCR, and computer in his sports bag.
"Serves the git right!" Sirius said, once more breaking the charm.
"Can't deny that," Regulus and Lily said at the same time. For a second, everyone was silent. Then they broke out into laughter, while Lily and Regulus looked shocked.
They drove. And they drove. Even Aunt Petunia didn't dare ask where they were going. Every now and then Uncle Vernon would take a sharp turn and drive in the opposite direction for a while.
"Shake 'em off... Shake 'em off, " he would mutter whenever he did this.
"Like we couldn't find them wherever they went," Remus said, snorting.
"That sounded creepy, Moony!" Sirius exclaimed.
"He's a creepy bloke," James said smirking. Remus hit him upside the head lightly.
They didn't stop to eat or drink all day. By nightfall Dudley was howling. He'd never had such a bad day in his life. He was hungry, he'd missed five television programs he'd wanted to see, and he'd never gone so long without blowing up an alien on his computer.
"Welcome to the real world, bud," Lily said grimly.
"Bud? Seriously?" Severus said, raising an eyebrow. Lily ignored him and began to read.
Uncle Vernon stopped at last outside a gloomy-looking hotel on the outskirts of a big city. Dudley and Harry shared a room with twin beds and damp, musty sheets. Dudley snored but Harry stayed awake, sitting on the windowsill, staring down at the lights of passing cars and wondering...
"Why his uncle went completely insane!" Sirius finished.
"Or why he was receiving so many letters," Remus pointed out.
"Yeah, yeah, whatever you want to think, Moony," Sirius said, waving an impatient hand.
They ate stale cornflakes and cold tinned tomatoes on toast for breakfast the next day. They had just finished when the owner of the hotel came over to their table.
"'Scuse me, but is one of you Mr. H. Potter? Only I got about an 'undred of these at the front desk. "
"A hundred!" Regulus said with a laugh, "That's great!"
"Dursley will pop a vein!" Sirius agreed.
She held up a letter so they could read the green ink address: Mr. H. Potter Room 17 Railview Hotel Cokeworth Harry made a grab for the letter but Uncle Vernon knocked his hand out of the way. The woman stared.
"She must not be used to bloody evil uncles," James said, shaking his head in horror.
"I'll take them, " said Uncle Vernon, standing up quickly and following her from the dining room.
"Wouldn't it be better just to go home, dear?"
"Finally, someone that isn't bloody insane!" Regulus said.
Aunt Petunia suggested timidly, hours later, but Uncle Vernon didn't seem to hear her.
"'Course not. Git!" Remus said.
Exactly what he was looking for, none of them knew. He drove them into the middle of a forest, got out, looked around, shook his head, got back in the car, and off they went again. The same thing happened in the middle of a plowed field, halfway across a suspension bridge, and at the top of a multilevel parking garage.
"Roadtrip!" James and Sirius yelled.
"Shut it before I silence you," Remus threatened.
"Daddy's gone mad, hasn't he?" Dudley asked Aunt Petunia dully late that afternoon.
"It must be bad if that dunderhead noticed," Severus said.
"Wow," Sirius said. "For once in my life I actually agree with you, Snape."
Uncle Vernon had parked at the coast, locked them all inside the car, and disappeared. It started to rain. Great drops beat on the roof of the car. Dudley sniveled.
"It's Monday, " he told his mother. "The Great Humberto's on tonight. I want to stay somewhere with a television. "
"Brat!"
Monday. This reminded Harry of something. If it was Monday - and you could usually count on Dudley to know the days the week, because of television - then tomorrow, Tuesday was Harry's eleventh birthday.
"Happy birthday, Harrry!" Sirius shouted.
"Pads," Remus rebuked him, "He can't hear you!"
"How do you know?" Sirius said in a very mysteroious tone.
"Because I'm not a blithering idiot!" Remus cried out.
Of course, his birthdays were never exactly fun - last year, the Dursleys had given him a coat hanger and a pair of Uncle Vernon's old socks.
"Despicable," Lily growled.
Still, you weren't eleven every day.
"Damn straight!" Sirius exclaimed, causing the other Marauders present to grin.
Uncle Vernon was back and he was smiling. He was also carrying a long, thin package and didn't answer Aunt Petunia when she asked what he'd bought.
"Found the perfect place!" he said. "Come on! Everyone out!" It was very cold outside the car. Uncle Vernon was pointing at what looked like a large rock way out at sea. Perched on top of the rock was the most miserable little shack you could thing was certain, there was no television in there.
"If Harry wasn't there, too, I'd say they deserve it," Sirius said thoughtfully. Lily stared at him in shock. "What?" he asked defensively.
"You just said something that actually made sense!"
"It's a bloody mracle!" Regulus cried, causing Sirius to glare at him.
"Storm forecast for tonight!" said Uncle Vernon gleefully, clapping his hands together. "And this gentleman's kindly agreed to lend us his boat!" A toothless old man came ambling up to them, pointing, with a rather wicked grin, at an old rowboat bobbing in the iron-gray water below them.
"'Course," James grumbled, "He knows Dursley's batty."
"I've already got us some rations, " said Uncle Vernon, "so all aboard!" It was freezing in the boat.
"My son better not get sick," Lily snarled.
Icy sea spray and rain crept down their necks and a chilly wind whipped their faces. After what seemed like hours they reached the rock, where Uncle Vernon, slipping and sliding, led the way to the broken-down house. The inside was horrible; it smelled strongly of seaweed, the wind whistled through the gaps in the wooden walls, and the fireplace was damp and empty. There were only two rooms. Uncle Vernon's rations turned out to be a bag of chips each and four bananas.
"He. Is. An. Idiot," Remus said slowly.
"Thank you for that wonderful observation, Remus!" Regulus said sarcastically.
He tried to start a fire but the empty chip bags just smoked and shriveled up.
"Could do with some of those letters now, eh?" he said cheerfully. He was in a very good mood.
"The mentally ill usually are. Just look at Siri," Regulus said with a wicked grin at Sirius.
"Shut up, Reggie," Sirius grumbled.
Obviously, he thought nobody stood a chance of reaching them here in a storm to deliver mail.
"Wizards can!" James called out loudly.
"We know, you arrogant git," Severus said.
"Oi!" Sirius exclaimed, "No one can insult Prongs like that-"
"Yeah!" James cut in.
"'Cept me and Rem!" Siirus finished.
"Hey!"
Harry privately agreed, though the thought didn't cheer him up at all. As night fell, the promised storm blew up around them. Spray from the high waves splattered the walls of the hut and a fierce wind rattled the filthy windows. Aunt Petunia found a few moldy blankets in the second room and made up a bed for Dudley on the moth-eaten sofa.
She and Uncle Vernon went off to the lumpy bed next door, and Harry was left to find the softest bit of floor he could and to curl up under the thinnest, most ragged blanket.
"I CAN'T BLEIEVE MY SISTER WOULD MAKE MY SON SLEEP ON THE GROUND!" Lily raged suddenly, causing everyone, even Luna, to wince slightly.
"It's just as good as a cupboard," Sirius pointed out, earning him a smack from Remus and James, who were both trying to calm Lily down. It took a minute for Lily to be able to read again.
The storm raged more and more ferociously as the night went on. Harry couldn't sleep. He shivered and turned over, trying to get comfortable, his stomach rumbling with hunger.
"I'm going to kill Dursley!" James muttered.
"We should introduce Dudley to Filch," Sirius muttered back, causing James to smirk.
The low rolls of thunder that started near midnight drowned Dudley's snores. The lighted dial of Dudley's watch, which was dangling over the edge of the sofa on his fat wrist, told Harry he'd be eleven in ten minutes' time. He lay and watched his birthday tick nearer, wondering if the Dursleys would remember at all, wondering where the letter writer was now.
"I CAN'T BELIEVE -," Lily began.
"We get it!" Severus yelled back, putting himself in Lily's scorching gaze.
"Do you have a death wish?" Sirius cried, horrified, but Lily didn't kill Severus. Instead, his words seemed to help her calm down.
"How'd you do that?" James asked, staring at Severus in wonder.
"Lot's of practice," Severus said with a grin at Lily, who rolled her eyes.
Five minutes to go. Harry heard something creak outside.
He hoped the roof wasn't going to fall in, although he might be warmer if it did.
"He got your brains, Potter," Regulus said cheekily. "Lily's smarter than that."
"Definitely," Severus agreed. James opened his mouth to retort, but Lily continued to read before he could.
Four minutes to go. Maybe the house in Privet Drive would be so full of letters when they got back that he'd be able to steal one somehow.
Everyone snickered at the image of the house so covered by letters that it looked like it had snowed.
Three minutes to go. Was that the sea, slapping hard on the rock like that? And (two minutes to go) what was that funny crunching noise? Was the rock crumbling into the sea? One minute to go and he'd be eleven. Thirty seconds... Twenty... Ten... Nine - maybe he'd wake Dudley up, just to annoy him
"Marauder in the making," Remus said in mock horror.
"Severus frowned at the statement, not finding it amusing.
- three... Two... One... BOOM. The whole shack shivered and Harry sat bolt upright, staring at the door. Someone was outside, knocking to come in.
"What!" Lily yelled. "It's probably a bloody murderer!"
"I doubt it, Lils," Remus said, amused.
"How do you know?" Lily demanded.
"There's a lot more left of this series," Remus reminded her.
"Right," she said sheepishly. "So that was the end of the chapter."
"I'm hungry!" Sirius whined.
"Same," James agreed. Remus rolled his eyes before turning to Luna. She smiled and said,
"I've got it covered." Immediately, there was a click, and the door they had been unable to open swung forward to reveal…
Hogwarts.
"I thought you said you took us out of the castle," Sirius accused.
"I did say that," Luna said with a chuckle.
"Why!" Regulus asked the redhead.
"So you wouldn't try to leave," Luna said, shrugging. "Just bring back a plate, and we'll eat here."
"Kay," everyone chorused.
"Lily!" Luna yelled as they left.
"What?" Lily said, turning.
"Grab something for me," Luna said sheepishly. Grinning, Lily nodded and left the room.
DISCLAIMER: I AM NOT J.K. ROWLING! I DON NOT OWN HARRY POTTER AS M"UCH AS I WANT TO!
PLEASE REVIEW! I NEED THE FEEDBACK! TELL ME IF THIS SHOULD BE CONTINUED!