Chapter Thirty-two

Numb

They postponed their departure from the home. First because they had no idea what to do after Ace's death and second because they wanted to pay their last respects to their friend. So they postponed it until everyone feels like they will be ready to leave for good. Everyone is worried about Richard. He became quiet after that morning. He is also quite isolated and cold.

It's the day of Ace's funeral. The boys travelled to the mainland since that's where Ace's family lives and the facilities with dealing a deceased person are located. Richard can't believe what is happening around him. Is this another sick, twisted dream? He wants to wake up, he wants it to end. He just wants his life to go back to normal. But now he's here, sitting on an uncomfortable chair in a tiny room packed with a dozen other people who knew Ace at some point in his life.

Richard taps his foot against the ground. He doesn't want to be here any longer than he already has to be. It reminds him too much of his own parents' funeral. The sympathetic people who do not truly understand the pain of losing one so close, the fake smiles and assurances, the unknown future. Ah! He can't take this anymore. He wants to leave; he wants to go back to the ocean, back to the sub. Any place but here.

Peter glances over at his friend and sees his distress. None of them want to be here, and yet they are. They feel indebted to Ace. He did help them escape Seablite. Peter brushes his hair over his scar.

Richard leans forward as the speaker up front continues to talk about Ace, what a man he became over the years despite all the things he has been through. The other people in the room don't even know the half of it.

Finally it ends. The people get up from their chairs and begin to walk around the small room. Often they go up to comfort the grieving family, or they just leave all together, seeing as the funeral is over. The boys wait for their chance to go up after most of the people leave. They plan to stay for a moment and then leave quickly. None of them want to stay longer than they have to.

The crowd begins to thin. Peter nudges Richard, who looks up from the floor. Peter nods in the direction of Ace's family. Richard sighs and gets to his feet. The others follow behind him. They reach the front finally. There are two women sitting on the chairs along with a man and a boy, Ace's brothers and sisters.

One of the women looks up at Richard and offers a small smile. "You must be Richard and Ace's other friends," she says and reaches up to grip Richard's hand. He lets her. "You meant so much to him. He spoke of you often when he… returned."

Richard can't say anything. Luckily Eli speaks for him. "Ace was a good a friend," he says. "To us all."

Richard pulls his hand away, not quick enough to show disrespect to the woman but he had enough of her holding his hand.

"Thank you for taking care of him," the man says. He appears to be the oldest out of all of them. "Ace had a difficult time since our parents'… death."

Nothing is said after that. The boys have seen the family and now they want to leave.

"Thank you for coming," one of the women says. "It means a lot to us that you… care about him that much."

The boys mumble a few things under their breath, trying to be as polite as possible. They shake their hands and move on. Richard is the last to linger. He takes his time, not saying anything and walks off to get back with his friends.

"Richard, wait."

He turns around. The man is standing up. He has a letter in his hands. "The box you gave us," he says. "There was a letter addressed to you." The man hands Richard the letter. "Thank you for taking care of him."

Richard can only nod and take the letter. He turns away and walks out of the room; back out into the sunny day.

The boys are worried about Richard. He hasn't said a word to any of them. Usually he stays in his room writing a letter to his sister, or he is found down in the gym. He distracts himself. They know it. He knows it. It's just hard to deal with everything. Richard tries to forget it.

Sitting in his room once more, he pries open the sealed envelope and takes out the pieces of paper inside. There are two letters, much to his surprise. One is addressed to him and the other is addressed to the others. He looks down at the letter addressed to him and begins to read.

Dear Richard,

I know you have a million questions to ask. I wish I could answer them all for you, but let's stick with the basics. You'll be asking why, what's going to happen next, and probably is it your fault. The last question will be answered now because I don't want you to suffer. It's not your fault. Don't ever think that for one moment. This was my choice, Richard. Not yours, not Peter's, not Eli's. Mine and mine alone.

I guess this is the part where I answer the why. Why did I decide to do this? The answer is so simple. I'm not happy, Richard. I never was. Ever since my parents died, I was never happy. I tried to act like it for your sake and for the sake of the others. I didn't want to bother you with my problems. You had enough of your own. I wanted this, Richard. There was nothing you could do to help me. I was too far gone already. Peter offered to help with the pain as he did with the others. I didn't accept the offer. I couldn't. The pain would always be there. It's the thought that counts. I wouldn't be able to escape it.

So you see there was nothing you could've done to help me. I didn't want any help. I couldn't deal with anything anymore. Too much has happened to me that I just couldn't take it anymore. I tried, though. I really did. I visited doctors and they all said the same thing. I had to go see other doctors of all different kinds. I didn't go, though. I couldn't do it. I couldn't go to the doctors. They would all say I was brain baked and would send me away for what they would call treatment. I went once to help with the depression. It still didn't help very much.

What's going to happen now is what you probably want to ask next. The answer is right before you. You will take that sub that we worked on and you will go through with this plan. It's a brilliant plan and I know you will make it work. You played an important role in getting us out of Seablite, now go play another important role and in making your life better. The others need you. They depend on you to be their leader. Now go and be their leader. You and I both know that you are a much better leader than I am.

I know it'll take you a while to recover from this. I don't blame you. It will take a while for you to understand all of this and make all the final preparations on your own. I have no doubt in my mind that you will do a great job, though. Don't let me hold you back. Let me go and move on. I know you can do this without me.

Of course there is the matter of telling the others why I decided to do this. I already saved you the trouble. That is what the other letter is for. Just give it to them and hopefully they don't ask you what happened. I know that'll be a hard task for you to do.

I consider you to be my brother, Richard. You helped me when no one else could. You are the only one who can truly understand what's going on in my life. The letters definitely helped out. I could tell you things that I wouldn't be able to tell my family. If anything you gave me hope to get through another day. Thank you for that. Without you, I don't know where I would be today. Thank you so much. You don't know how thankful I am that you consider me a friend.

Sincerely, Ace

P.S.

I know you're having some troubles with a name so I thought of some for you: Skin, Shade, Tats, Stitch. They may not sound very good, but it's something.

P.P.S.

Don't forget to cut your hair.

That's the end of the letter. No more writing is there for him. So that's it for Ace. He truly is gone. Nothing left remains of him. His room was cleaned out and all personal belongings were given back to his family. Ace is gone.

Deciding that he has had enough of his room, Richard leaves and goes down to the gym. He walks over to the punching bags. He wraps up his hands with cloth to protect his skin. After that he sets to work on the punching bag, showing the inanimate object no mercy.

A long while later, Peter comes down to check up on Richard. His friend is still going at it on the punching bag. The strokes are hard and quick in succession, beating down an enemy neither can see but both know is there.

"Richard," Peter says, "dinner time."

Richard doesn't stop and keeps going at it. Peter sighs and walks towards him and leans against the wall, waiting for Richard to notice him. Eventually he does and breaks away from the punching bag, panting and covered in sweat. He pulls the wrappings off his hands, revealing bloody knuckles. He swears and leans against the wall, catching his breath.

"Done?" Peter asks. Richard nods. "Dinner's on the table."

"You told me already," Richard says.

"I know I did," Peter responds. "I'm making sure you go up and eat something."

"I'm fine." Richard steps away from the wall and heads over to one of the bars mounted on the wall. He jumps up to it and begins a set of chin ups.

"You'll hurt yourself if you keep going at a pace like that," Peter says. "The others worry about you. They don't know what to do."

Since Richard is currently occupied, he doesn't reply. Only till his arms feel like they are about to drop off does he stop. "What do you want me to tell them?" he asks. "Do you want me to tell them that I'm not the leader they were expecting, that I'm not as strong as I said I was?"

Peter shakes his head. "You're stronger than all of us combined. You got us through Seablite. You got us through everything after and now here we are. You brought us together and made us feel like we were human beings that mattered to someone. You did this. You can't give up."

Richard looks over at Peter. The blonde hair reaches past his shoulders and still he isn't affected by the length. "What point is there to even go through with this plan?" he asks. "It was a stupid idea in the first place."

"No, it's not," Peter says. "It gave us hope, to dream of something better than gutting fish for the rest of our lives."

"And still where will this get us?" Richard asks. "Five years in the future, ten years. I don't know what to look forward to. I've got nothing left."

Peter is silent for a moment then says, "You've got us. You're not the only one upset about Ace's death. They all took it hard, not just you. They don't know what to do now, Richard. They're waiting for you to do something."

"To do what?" he asks. "What can I do?"

Peter shrugs. "I don't have all the answers. Just do what you always do."

"And what's that?"

"Give them hope." Peter turns and leaves the gym, heading back up the stairs.

Richard stays down in the gym for a while, thinking about what Peter said to him. The words ring true in his head. The others depend on him, to lead them. He brought them this far, surely he can bring them a little further.

He eats a little at dinner, showing that he's at least trying. The others look to him, seeing if the old Richard is still there, the Richard they can depend on. It's all one step at a time from here.

He goes out to the shop and goes to the sub. It's still hidden under its tarp. Tools are lying around along haphazardly. The boys have been up to something. He goes into the sub and sees what they have done. They've removed the two extra bed compartments they had. In their place are lockers to hold their own gear and belongings. They were raised Topside, which meant every single space had to be used. Nothing could be wasted. Now that leaves six bunks instead of eight. Enough for all of them.

The world is moving too fast, greatly to the dislike of Richard. Can't the world stand still for one day? He needs to figure out what's going on first. He needs time to adjust and yet people move on so quickly it leaves him baffled. What's he supposed to do now? Without Ace, he's lost. He's never been like this before. Before he used to be independent, strong, fearless. He stole space, didn't he? How much more fearless can one get?

He still can't get through the why, why Ace had to do it. Was he truly so miserable that Richard didn't even notice it? Was Richard so blind because of the sub that he didn't notice his friend suffering? He shakes his head. He's already disrespecting Ace's request by not blaming himself for Ace's death. It's so hard not to, though.

He continues to sit inside the sub for a while, trying to get all of his thoughts in order. He notices that Peter is climbing down into the sub as well, but he makes no motion to welcome his friend or show that he notices his presence. Peter sits across from him. "Done sulking yet?" he asks.

"I'm mourning," Richard says. "Not sulking. There's a difference."

"I read the letter," he says.

"What letter?"

"The letter Ace gave us," Peter says. Richard looks over at him and frowns. "Yes, I snooped through your room. I wanted to know why you were acting more depressed than usual."

"So you read the letter?" Richard asks.

Peter nods. "Just the one that was addressed to us. I gave it to the others so they could read it as well. He didn't want you to blame yourself."

"I know," Richard says. "It's harder than you think." He sighs and rests his head in his hands. "Did you notice that Ace was… I don't know. Deteriorating, I guess?"

Peter nods slowly. "I knew. I tried to help, but he didn't accept it."

"I didn't see it," Richard says quietly. "I should've noticed."

"If he wanted help, he would've asked for it. He didn't want it." Peter pushes aside a lock of blonde hair that fell into his eyes. "I can help you."

Richard looks up. "How?"

"How I helped with the others," he says. "I can make the pain go away. You won't blame yourself anymore."

Richard heaves a sigh. It worked for the others when Peter did this. It'll probably work for him as well.

"Do you want me to?" Peter asks again.

Richard, hesitating a little bit, nods. Peter shifts his position so that he is closer to Richard. Slowly Richard allows himself to be put under the trance and forgets the pain.