A/N - Ahh! I love how this one turned out. See, James is so much easier for me to delve into! I couldn't help but update, just because I really like this chapter. This isn't going to be a super long fic, but it will be definitely be several more chapters longer than this. There's no exact plot, they're just growing up. It's a struggle, and it's not the happiest story but I wanted to stay true to my vision. I'm not one to throw in fluff, I keep it real guys! Anyway, hope you like this one as much as I liked writing it.
James used to have this recurring dream about Lily. It haunted him for a year and a half, and this dream was largely responsible for his attempts to win Lily's heart. Of course, his attempts started back in their third year and the dream didn't make its first appearance until his fifth year, but it was fifth year when he first got more serious about said attempts.
This dream absolutely shook him the first time he had it. It always started off the same way. He stood before a mirror, in a large, vacant room. He was wearing dress robes and his hair looked tidier than usual, though it was of course still impossibly messy…
A knock at the door.
"Yes?" He calls, inviting the person inside. The door flies open and a beautiful red-headed girl sashays in. She's in a floor length white dress, which is gorgeous but only seems to make the girl herself look better. Her red mane is tamed today, up in a loose, elegant up-do. Painted red lips smirk at it him in the mirror, green eyes alight.
"Muggles say that the groom should not see the bride in her wedding dress until the two are about to say their vows. It's supposed to be bad luck." She pauses, waits for him to turn around and face her. The real thing is even better than the reflection, which he tells himself he's stupid for even thinking because they're supposed to look exactly the same.
"Well, you came to see me." he responds, raising one eyebrow, inviting her to go on. She takes a few steps closer to him, eyes dancing, grinning wildly.
"I never set store by superstitions. I make my own luck, baby. And boy am I lucky today." She's close enough to touch him now, and she does. She reaches up to run a soft, slender hand through his hair. "It's never tamed is it? How lovely." She coos softly.
She's teasing him now, loving the way he's looking at her in her dress. She twirls around for him, asks if he likes what he sees. He tells her of course he does, pulls her in real close until they are tightly wound together. Today, they were going to make it official. He already knew she was forever, knew it the first time he looked at her when they were eleven, and today they would make it official.
"You know, Mr. Potter, they can't start the ceremony without us." She states. Her eyes are laughing, yet her smile is slight, it's mocking him.
"What are you saying?" He asks, already knowing half of him will love whatever she says and the other half would be very, very afraid.
She stands on her toes, kisses him sweetly. "I'm saying they can wait a little longer." She whispers, her lips still on his, smiling into the kiss.
And just when she starts to deepen that kiss, he wakes up, every single time. He's always in a bad mood after having that dream because he's always annoyed with himself for waking up just when it was getting good. For his entire fifth year, not a night went by that he did not have this dream. The day that Lily yelled at him in front of half of the school after he pranked Severus Snape by levitating him from his ankle, he had the dream twice in one night.
It had gotten so bad that the summer before sixth year began, he decided that he would have to bury his feelings for Lily. Yes, bury, not get rid of. He didn't believe that he could ever get rid of them. But he knew he could forget about them if he tried hard enough. It was not good to have this dream teasing and taunting him, constantly a reminder of what he wanted and could never have.
Essentially, he sort of gave up on Lily Evans. She was bright, and beautiful. She was vibrant and alive in every sense of the word. And after fifth year ended, he believed that she would never, ever be his. It hurt too much to keep trying only to be rejected. But it was the dream, which only let up a few months into sixth year, that pushed him to call it quits. It tormented him, and he didn't tell a single soul about it. Not even Sirius. Sirius would have called him a pansy.
He once considered telling Remus about it, because Remus wouldn't judge him for it. He'd even gone as far as following Remus to the library, on the pretense of revising with him but in the end decided to keep his dreams to himself.
Sixth year, he had a plan. It was the "do not, under any circumstance, look at her" plan. He was convinced that if he looked at her as little as possible, then maybe he'd get over her. Because, he had to admit, if he got caught up in her porcelain, freckled skin, her cute button nose, the way her lips twitched slightly at the corners before she released peals of bell-sounding laughter, well, then he would never be able to move on.
Some would say he was ignoring her. But he'd have to disagree. They weren't really friends, not even acquaintances. She wouldn't notice his lack of attention after a while, so he wasn't really ignoring her. To his slight disappointment, she'd ignored him right back. He supposed that if he hadn't spent three years trying to get her to go out with him, she would've ignored him anyway.
They never spoke, except in Potions where Slughorn seated them next to each other. Sometimes he'd have to awkwardly ask her for some bat wing powder or she'd have to mumble that his elbow was digging into her side when he stirred his cauldron. It had been an agonizingly long year.
His lack of Lily love didn't go unnoticed though. Whispers flew whenever he was around, and probably when he wasn't, that he must have fallen for someone else. Others said that she must have burned him badly that summer and so he had to give up. This one was as close to the truth as it got. The daily James and Lily routine in the common room had become so normal that when he stopped asking her out every morning and every evening, it was hard for people not to take notice. It seemed like everyone had noticed, everyone except for Lily.
His friends were concerned more than anyone.
"Something definitely happened. Come on mate, you tell us everything." Sirius had begged and pleaded that James let him in on his secret.
"There's nothing to tell. I realized I was wasting my time on her." He knew this sounded mean, sounded like he realized he was too good for her instead of the other way around. He backtracked. "I just don't have a chance. So why bother anymore, you know?"
They left him alone after that.
His life had shifted gears that year. He was still immature, especially when he was around his pals, but something was different. He was growing up. He left Snape alone now, hardly sparing him a passing glare. He finished all his coursework on time and, except for that one time when they got caught without their robes, he cut down on all the detentions.
But now, his life was shifting gears yet again. He knew it, he felt it deep down as he stared at the former star of his dreams as she read over his Transfiguration essay. It was a brilliant essay, he knew that already. He really got Transfiguration, all the Marauders did. Each one was an animagus, with the exception of Remus who was close enough anyway.
She looked up at him once she was finished, a smile forming. "James, this is really excellent. Spot on." She shook her head, the smile very apparent on her lovely face now. "You don't have to change a thing, in my opinion. So why did you say you needed help with this?"
If this conversation had happened two years ago, he knew that Lily would have been suspicious that this was just another ploy to get her alone so he could ask her out. Not that he'd minded doing it in front of everyone, sometimes even their own teachers. Slughorn always found the pair of them highly amusing. But now, she was sincerely curious. He knew she still questioned his intentions, but not in a bad way.
He leaned back in his chair. They'd chosen the library because it was quieter, but now James was thinking that he'd love to spend the rest of his free period in a cozy arm chair by the fire in the common room. He studied the girl sitting directly across from him, shot her a wide grin.
"I just wanted to distract you." He said honestly. Lately, he'd been a big fan of honesty. He assumed it was just a natural progression for him, now that he really was maturing.
She smiled kindly, and the smile touched her eyes. She propped one elbow on the table, and cupped her face with her hand.
"What?" He asked, leaning in without realizing he was doing so.
"I'm trying to figure you out. But I really can't. I used to be able to read you like a book. I feel like you're still the same person, in a way, but just better." Her tone was casual enough, but she was looking at him intently.
He shrugged. "Maybe that's just what it is. Everyone has to grow up at some point, Lily." He was quickly liking using her first name, it made him feel as if they were becoming friends. He'd really like it if they became friends.
Her eyes narrowed mischievously, the ghost of the look of trouble she had in that wonderful, yet heartbreaking dream. She leaned in more, and he suddenly felt very self-conscious because she was quite close to his face and he knew she was looking at him, really looking at him.
"It's quite puzzling really. Why the change?" She asked. He knew she was trying to distract herself as well, which he was fine with because it was much better than letting herself sulk in her own guilt like she'd been doing recently.
He took a moment to sift through his thoughts, not sure how to answer her. Again, he decided to be honest, brutally honest.
"You broke my heart." was all he said.
Her eyes widened, and her head snapped up. She leaned away from him. This was not what she had been expecting. Her mouth was slightly open, her eyes looked greener than usual. "Excuse me?" she sputtered.
He leaned back into his chair again and crossed his arms across his chest. "You heard me correctly. You broke my heart. And I realized that it was my fault that it happened because I was immature and made a right arse of myself. Simply put, I learned from my biggest mistake. I learned it was time to make some changes."
She had gone very silent. A thick tension replaced the easy-going nature of their conversation. She was looking down at his essay, but he knew she wasn't reading it. Her eyes, previously alit with curiosity and intrigue had gone blank and dead. Her face went slack.
Finally, after what seemed like ages, she looked back up at him.
"Oh." She said tightly.
Maybe honesty wasn't the way to go. She passed back his essay, gathered her things, and stood up.
"Lily, don't go." His voice was kind. "What's wrong?"
She paused, turned to face him again. And this time he saw that her eyes were wet. He looked at her carefully and noticed for the first time that her collarbone jutted out more than usual these days. Had she even been eating properly? Was she that unhappy?
Just when he was about to repeat his question, she spoke. Her voice was quiet, even. An obvious attempt to remain composed.
"I was your biggest mistake?" Her voice wavered on the last word, going up an octave.
He grimaced, understanding dawning on him. "I didn't mean it like that. Sit back down Lily, please."
"No, thank you." she replied curtly.
"Fine, then I'll stand." He did as he said, walking ahead of her towards the exit. When he realized she wasn't following him, he turned back around. She stood motionless, staring at her own feet. "Come on Lily, let me tell you something I haven't told anyone."
And despite how mad she clearly was, her intrigue got the better of her and she ambled over to him. They walked in silence for a few minutes, not really going anywhere in particular. They wound up outside. It had stopped raining. They walked some more, across the dewy grass, towards the lake.
"You turned me down twenty-four times at this very spot." He said once they'd reached the lake. "Did you know that?"
She shook her head no, choosing to stare out at the lake instead of looking at him. My goodness, she really was beautiful.
"I used to have this dream about you." And for the first time ever, James told someone about his Lily dream. He told the star herself. When he was finished, she looked up at him, but remained silent. "Lily, it killed me to have that dream over and over again. I had to let go, I had to move on. And look at the world of good its done for everyone. I think you and I actually have a chance at being friends now."
"We are friends." Her voice was louder now, more certain. But something in her face was different. She looked sad, and a little bewildered. He wanted to reach out and touch her face.
"I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings." He said, unsure of how to comfort her. He was very flattered that she cared so much, and even more than that, he was shocked.
"S'okay. I hurt yours for years. I think it's alright if you return the favor."