June 1998
Mac has recovered a bit and she is able to be without a pain for while. Harm is happy that the pain could be reduced by medication and that she sometimes did not need to take medication if the pain was not as bad or if the pain was not there at all. He was happy that she could life a happier life for now. There were days where he thought that it would be the best if she would have an operation so she would not be in anymore pain but on the otherhand he knew that it would nearly kill Mac. She loved children and she always wanted to have a family. A big family. Something she never had as a child and something she wished for.
It had taken her a long time to trust him that he would never leave her and after a while she started to believe it. She loved him and she needed him and his stability. She was thankful that he gave her the stability that she needed. She thought about the operation too. But she did not want to give up her dream. But on the other hand she always thought about having the operation to get rid of the sometimes unbearable pain. She was not capable of doing a lot of things if she was in pain. She wanted to be able to do everything on her own but for that she needed to have the operation.
They were sitting on the couch. "Harm I thought about the operation again." "What about it?" "I admit that I hate being in so much pain everytime I have crampes. I admit that it is hard to endure." He could hear her stiffle a sob. "I would not be this happy if it were not for you. You showed me what it means to love and what it means to have a family. And how everyone is alowed to show weakness no matter where they are from. You showed me how it is to live." He reached his hand and put it on her lower arm and gave it a squeeze. There were tears shimmering in her eyes.
"Harm we are a happy family and we have two wonderful children. We could be a happy family if I would not be handicapped. I sometimes am hardly capeble of doing things with Rose. I know that I should have this operation to try to make sure that I will not be in so much pain anymore. According to my doctor I should have the first operation now. But Harm I am going to be honest with you." A tear slipped down her check and he took hold of her hands with both of his hands drawing circles on her palm.
"I am going to be honest. Physically I am more than ready for this operation but mentally I far from ready to have this operation. I still have a dream Harm. I will not give up an this dream Harm. I cannot" she said sternly. Harm looked into her eyes and could see that she was torn apart between the mental and physical opinion. She somehow wanted both. To have the operation and to fullfil her dream. Both knew that an operation did not mean that she would become infertile. It meant that they would have to take the endometriosis ulcers out. That was something that made her panic. He knew that. He was thinking of a way to be able to have both. The operation and a large family.
"Listen. Mac we both wanted a large family. We have to wonderful children but in know that you are physically to worn out and that you need medical attention first before we can continue to think of our growing family. Mac I know that you are hurting. I know that it is hard for you to endure the pain. I also know that it is hard for you to admit that you need this operation. But please Mac think for your health for a minute." She looked up at him still unsure.
"Mac I will not pressure you to have this operation. I am just asking you to consider the possibility of having the operation. You have to think of yourself too sweetheart."
"Harm a part of me wants this operation but the other part is stopping me. I honestly am torn. I admit that I do not know what to do."
"Sweetheart you have to listen to your heart and your gut. And you have to think about what is best for you and your health. Rose and David need their mother and their father. They need both parents Mac." "I know. I know Harm." She was now crying full force and he pulled her into his chest and just let her cry. He knew that she sometimes just needed to cry to get rid of some of the pain and agony. She sometimes just needed his stron arms around her holding her safe. "Honey it is alright. I told you I would support you no matter what decision you make. But I want you to be happy and healthy. You need to be comfortable with it." She just nodded into his chest and knew that she had to decide because the pain sometimes really was unbearable.
About an hour later Mac pulled back from Harm and looked up into his loveing eyes and she could only read love, understanding and comassion in his true eyes. She knew that he would support her. "Harm I want this operation. I am scared that yould become infertile but I can hardly bear the pain anymore." "Alright. If that is what you want I will support you." "I do not want it but I have to do it. So I am going to do it Harm. I love you." "I love you too sweetheart. Do not worry we will be alright."
He pulled her back against his chest and just let her cry. He knew that it was hard for her to admit that she needed medical attention. He just let her be and knew that it would help her.