It was a dark and stormy night. A purple storm, that was, closing in on the island.
Thanks, thanks, thanks, thanks… It was another average game in Fortnite. As a certain Peely began heading towards the back of the bus, blood began to trickle from his eyes. Dramatic music swells, as the intro to House MD begins to play.
The squad landed in the middle of Slippery Salty Sewers and began to head north, toward Hillbilly Hospitals. Captain America cranked a 180, turning just in time to see his teammate Peely begin to cough blood. A voice calls out from the sewers...
"Let me guess. Blood pouring out of your eyes? Get the tingly feeling when your shield buzzes your nutsack?" House MD steps out of the shadows, his cane sloshing against the water, his useless left leg dragging through the mud. "House MD!" everyone said.
"I'd say you have acute shield poisoning syndrome. Probably the first thing you did after bombing off of that bus is drink slap juice, thinking you needed shields as quickly as possible in case EpIcGaMeRlOrD swings you with a tac shotgun they scrounged from the building above where your teammates landed." Peely nodded dumbly.
"But wait," said Batman, holding a purple pump. "Slap juice is certified perfectly safe by the Alliance!"
"True," said House, "if you aren't made of potassium." A long, CGI shot of the inside of Peely begins. "Slap juice is made up of chlorine. When that chlorine gets into the bloodstream, normally it's harmless, just like drinking water at the pool. That water usually has children's pee in it, by the way." The squad nodded.
"It's about as safe as a juul is around that popular girl you wish you did the deed within school. As the chlorine reacts with Peels's bloodstream over here, however, the two begin to bond. Peely only has, by my guess, a few more seconds of life left in him, much like Foreman here in a non-'hood' neighbourhood." Foreman was in an epic build fight several stories up nearby, otherwise he would have said something.
Just like that, Peely was knocked, and the familiar alert sound rang in the squads' earpieces.
"Is there anything we can do?" Darth Vader asked.
"A res should get him back on his feet," House said. "He'll be the same old Peeler in no time. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a long, intimate date with my hands coming up tonight."
House did have a long, intimate date with his hands. He was looking through the scope of a gold heavy sniper rifle at the Harley Quinn skinned characters running around in Tilted, hoping to look up one of their skirts. Abruptly, Vegeta came crawling past, trying to hide behind House. House was about to make a flippant remark, before realising he couldn't figure out why Vegeta had been knocked. There hadn't been a shot. That got his attention.
"I'm Dr House MD," Dr House MD said. "I'm Vegeta, prince of the all saiyans," said Vegeta.
"So," House said, "looks like you've been knocked. Care to explain what the great prince is doing, crawling on the ground in such an undignified way?" House was distracted by Vegeta's shapely ass.
"Argh... damn you..." Vegeta responds. "How dare you trivially sexualize me, the prince of all saiyans!"
"Consider it my fee," House replied. "Now let's see if we can't revive you." House examined Vegeta. "Nothing around here could have done that kind of damage to you... Tilted Towers generally only has grey loot, and silenced pistols were removed from the game in version 10.98345 which dropped last week." He frowned. "Unless... you're lying to me."
"What?" Vegeta asked. "I haven't said anything to you!"
"You didn't have to," House answered. "The Hawkeye Crossbow in your inventory does the lying for me. Tell me, did you know they were explosive when you tried to launch it from behind that rock at the hot Harley Quinn squad I was peeping in the tower?" House gestured to a rock that had taken some damage.
"I am the master of all weaponry!" Vegeta angrily replied, his hair flickering blonde. "I would never make such a careless mistake as to not come out from cover before firing my explosive bow!" He coughed up more blood. He was down to 40 points remaining.
"Consider this my surprise bill you get in the mail after your insurance company tells you they don't cover contracting monkey-related STDs," House said. "I'll only revive you if you admit to lying to me about your failure to crank the 360 on the chicks."
"Remember who you're speaking to, House!" Vegeta screamed. "The Prince of all saiyan would never miss a bow shot, elites like me were trained from our births!"
"And your training will sadly end there, unless you admit to your mistake," House snapped back. Vegeta now only had 20 points remaining.
"By the way, I think Goku could have made that shot." House's eyes rolled.
"Fine! I'll admit it... but only so that you'll revive me! This confession was made under duress! It proves nothing!" Vegeta glared up at House. "My eyes are over here, by the way!" House continued to stare at Vegeta's beautiful ass as he resed him. "Would you believe me if I told you staring at your ass was medically necessary?" House asked. "No!" Vegeta said. "Good, you're right. It's completely unnecessary."
As Vegeta stood back up, Foreman, Cameron, and Chase returned. They had to take out an entire squad by themselves as House abandoned them to look at sexy Fortnite characters.
"Thanks for nothing, House," Foreman angrily snapped. "We had to take out FaZe Brian by ourselves!"
"Y-y-y-y-y-y-y-eah," sputtered Chase, as he was playing from Australia and thus had horrible internet. His ping was 556. Meanwhile. Cameron was saying "Same here, my ping is so bad" to try and cover up for her bad play.
"Oh no, I guess you won't be getting a Tesla!" House mocked back. "Go trade a penny for a gold suppressed AR and use it. And as for Cameron, either she and Chase are back together... or she's just blaming her inability to crank out pump shots on bad ping spikes that are suspiciously fine every time I check."
"And how would you not have high ping, House? You can afford Gigabit internet!" Cameron asked. "Did you plant malware on our computers so you could see my IP address and game statistics? That's so invasive!"
"House wants to be the best," Foreman answered. "He needs to know his team is onside."
"I don't know what's more pathetic," House snivelled, "Cameron trying to cover up the fact that she's not played Fortnite despite pretending to for years on an Xbox 360 controller or Foreman trying to justify the malware that downloads coin for me on your computers."
"Oh no, I guess I forgot about inviting Wilson," House said. "Let's say his 'ping' is too high. His mistresses' apartment is stealing the neighbour's wifi, and it's too weak to connect to his coral Switch Lite."
Just another day at Princeton Plainsboro hospital, while the staff wait on lab results.