August 2000

Mac woke up in the morning. When she wanted to get up she suddenly felt a very big pain in her lower abdomen and fell back against the pillow. Her worst fear was to get sick again. She had been painfree for over two years. She moaned out in pain and did not know how she should get up.

After a while she slowly got up and went to the bathroom and got dressed. She then went downstairs to the kitchen, careful not to moan so that Harm would not know that she is in pain. She did not want to worry him. When she reached the kitchen Rose and Patrick were sitting at the breakfast table with Harm and Jeremy was lying in his portable crib. She sat down at the table next to Harm.

Harm noticed the expression on her face and had knew that something was of. He laid a hand on her lower arm and caused her to look at him. "Honey are you alright?" She looked at him and he could already read the answer in her eyes. He knew that she was in pain and that the endometriosis had made her presence known once again. He would talk to her after breakfast when the kids were playing, it was Saturday.

While they kids were playing and Jeremy was sleeping Harm talked to Mac on the couch. "You are in pain again. Right?" "No." He took her hands in his. "You do not have to lie to me Mac. I am your husband." "So?" "Mac if you are in pain I want to know so that I can help you. Do you trust me?" "What?" "Do you trust me?" "I trust you with every fiber of my being and I love you." He looked at her straight. "You are going to have to trust me that I will do everything in my power to help you to ease your pain. Please Sarah tell me the truth." "Alright."

She swallows a lump and looks at him. "Harm you were right. This morning when I woke up and wanted to get up and felt a big pain in my lower abdomen. I still got up and got dressed and did everything to make sure that you would not worry." "Sarah you should have told me right away. You are just putting more stress on yourself if you try to hide things like this from me. That will not help you honey." "I know Harm and I am sorry that I did not tell you earlier. I just did not want to believe that painfree and healthy time is over." "I know. You still have to trust me to get us through this and to help especially you to get through this."

"Harm it is hard to talk about it. I hate being so weak and vulnerable. I normally told pretty soon if I was in pain after you asked me. Sometimes you had to encourage me to talk to you. But this is different." "How?" "I have been painfree for over two years and now it is starting again Harm.

When we started dating seven years ago I had been in pain already for some time. I went to my doctor but she did not find anything." "The first time you told me you were in pain was in summer of 1994." "I know. At the beginning I did not make a big thing out of it and I hoped that it go away after a while. When we went to the doctor in November 1995 it had been unbearable for a while, as you know. Then I had been constantly in pain for a week in a month and after a while I had pain during the whole month as you know. Then after Patrick was born I did not have any pain. Then I had the operation because the paiin was totally unbearable again. After that I was painfree for almist two years and now this."

"Sweetheart that is not your fault. Endometriosis is an illness and that you have this illness is not your fault. You know that I would help you in any way I could and that I will stand by you no matter what decision you make." "I know Harm." "Tell me the truth. Do you need a pill?" She looked at him trying a to find a way to say no. but there was no way. "Unfortunately I do Harm." He got up and got to get a pill and a glas of water. When he returned he knelt down infront of her and gave her the pill and she took it. He sat back down next to her. "I think we should make an appointment with your doctor and see what has changed during the past two years." "Is that necessary Harm?" "I think so. I mean you want to know what we are facing right?" "I do." "I will give your doctor a call on Monday honey do not worry." "Do you have to call?" "Mac please. It will be alright. We are in this together no matter what the outcome is." "Alright."

He pulled her into a hug trying to ease her fear and her pain. He knows that she is totally afraid of what her doctor might say at her mext appointment. She hated to go to her doctor to get bad news and he would do everything in his power to make sure that she would not get bad news and that she would be alright. One thing he could definitly do to ensure that, was to be at her side the whole time and to not let her got through that torture alone.

In the night he woke up and noticed that Sarah was rolled up in a ball. He turned on the bedside lamp and sat up a little. "Honey!" "I am fine Harm." He reached out his arm and stroked her back trying to encourage her to trust him. Afater a while she slowly turned around and snuggled into his chest wrapping her arms around him. He wrapped his arms around her too stroking her back trying to calm her down.

He noticed how his shirt slowly got wet and knew that she was crying. "Why are you crying? Are you in pain?" She nodded into his chest and it broke is heart to know that his wife would be in so much time again. He reached down and with one hand re slowly drew circles on her stomach trying to ease her unrelaxed muscles to help ease the pain. She leaned into his chest and hoped that his ministrations would help.

Two days later on Monday she had an appointment with her doctor. Harm and Mac were sitting in the waiting area at th doctors office. Harm was holding her hand drawing circles on her palm trying to calm her down. When their name was called they followed the nurse onto a room and waited for her doctor. Sarah and Harm were sitting on two chairs waiting.

When the doctor entered Sarah lied down on the exam table with Harm at her side. He knows that the following exam will be very painful for her. Her doctor examined her and during the exam Sarah moaned out in pain clutching Harm´s hand. Harm tried to console her by stroking her hair and saying soothing words. It did not really help because the pain she was in was to beig and his words did not stop her from moaning.

After the exam the doctor sat down at her desk with Sarah and Harm across from her. "Sarah your fears were actually right. It looks like the endometriosis has returned and is causing you the pain. I am very sorry." "So I just continue taking the pills you perscribed and hope that it is only one week a month right?" "I am afraid so Sarah. The other option would be a complete operation were we would remove everything." "Thank you." "She said good-bye to Sarah and Harm and left them alone.

"You heard her. I am ill again" "I know Sarah." He held her hand trying to calm her down. "I want to go home." "OK." He helped her up and led her outside to the car. On the way home she was constantly lookingo out of the window trying to grasp what her doctor had told her. At home she retired to their bedroom and got changed into comfortable clothes. In was around noon and they had the day off. Harm came into their bedroom a few minutes later and found her in the rocking chair with her knees pulled up to her chest.

He went over to her and knelt down infront of her. "Honey talk to me." She looked at him but at the moment she was unable to talk to him. "Not yet." "Alright." She had tears running down her face and he picked her up with one arm under her knees and one arm around her back. He laid her down on the bed and joined her pulling her into him massaging her stomach. He could feel how her tense muscles relaxed under his touch. A few minutes later she feel asleep in his arms. He prayed that she would be able to sleep the whole night.