Where No Camping Trip Has Gone Before

( Starsky & Hutch, Original Star Trek Crossover)

Parody based on the Stiller and Wilson movie, Starsky and Hutch

Plot: Starsky & Hutch meet Kirk & Spock.

By TLR

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Hutch pulled his camper truck up alongside the Torino parked near a stream in the woods and got out. Starsky remained disgruntled in the driver's seat of the Torino.

"I can't believe I let you talk me into this, Hutch."

Hutch walked over to Starsky's side of the car.

"Well, partner, you did. And you won't regret it. This will be the vacation experience of a lifetime."

"Yeah, well," Starsky said folding his arms across his chest. "Last time we did this, we at least had a nice cabin to stay in. It was kinda nice actually. This is...I have no words."

"This is," Hutch said opening Starsky's door and pulling him out, "what's known as roughing it."

"I get it. No phone, no electricity, no girls."

He followed Hutch to the back of the camper, where Hutch opened the door to it.

"At least we can sleep in the camper," Starsky said.

"Nada," Hutch said reaching into the back of it. "Just sleeping bags."

"What?! We have to sleep on the GROUND?"

"Yeah, you know. Like people for thousands of years have done. When you're lying on it, you can actually feel the vibrations of our ancestors before us."

Hutch tossed him the sleeping bags, and Starsky looked down at them bundled in his arms.

"What if I say no, Hutch? What if I say I want to go home?"

"I say I won't interfere with your free will, be careful of the bears, and I'll miss ya."

Starsky took a step closer to him.

"Really? Bears?"

"Really. The only thing on this trip that would drive me inside this camper."

Starsky looked around the woods as if it had suddenly become a menacing place.

"Why, Hutch? Why do you do this? What's so great about sleeping in the dirt next to a creek."

"It's a stream. And it has fish. And we'll catch some to eat, which is what self-reliance is all about. We do this because one of these days these skills just may come in handy. What if a bad guy out for revenge takes you out in the middle of the woods, ties you to a tree, and leaves you to die? Wouldn't you want to know how to survive well enough to find your way back home or long enough to be rescued?"

Starsky put the rolls of sleeping bags in Hutch's arms. "This rugged individualism is for the birds. I'm already rugged, and I'm already an individual. I'm secure in my masculinity and I don't have anything to prove to the world."

"Do you even know how to start a fire without matches or a lighter?"

Starsky stared at him. "You can do that?"

Hutch smiled. "I already know the answer to that, thanks to our psychic connection. You DON'T know how to start a fire, and you don't know how to catch a fish without a pole or a rod and reel, and you don't know what plants are safe enough to eat."

Starsky did a double take. "People eat stuff in the woods?"

"Trust me. You're going to love this trip. It's almost sundown, so let's get a fish, a fire, and our sleeping bags ready."

::

Montage of:

~Starsky and Hutch standing barefoot in the stream, Starsky with a spear Hutch had whittled to a point from a tree limb. Hutch fishing with his bare hands.

~Starsky and Hutch starting a fire by rubbing sticks and stones together to light kindling.

~Starsky and Hutch sitting on their sleeping bags dining on fish by a small campfire, with a pile of wild onions, nuts, berries, and mushrooms on the side.

When they were finished, Hutch pulled a harmonica from his shirt pocket.

"No way," Starsky scolded. "That isn't roughing it. What would you do for music if you didn't have that?"

Hutch thought for a moment, replacing the harmonica in his pocket.

"Well," he said thoughtfully, "I guess I could always sing. My voice is my instrument."

Starsky smiled. "Now we're talking. You sing. I'll sleep."

"Okay, hotshot. Here's a song I'm making up on the fly about roughing it just for you:

I'm singing you to sleep on this awesome starry night

Not a wolf or a wildcat or a cultist in sight

No TV, no phones, we unhook from the strife

Trading civilization for the woods where we hide

With ready hands and bare feet, we roam

Finding peace and food in nature, hearts full-blown

We sing silly songs and tell tales at night

With laughter echoing, filling the mystery sky

We wrestle with bears (just kidding, of course)

But we conquer nature with our rugged force

We're macho campers, oh yes, we are

Embracing nature, no matter how bizarre

With our mushrooms roasting on a fire so bright

We're roughing it out, under the moon's soft light

So glad you joined me, my friend, in this wilderness escapade

Leave your worries behind, let the campfire serenade

For in nature's embrace, we find joy and mirth

Rustic individualists, one with each other

And the Earth."

Hutch ended his song and looked over at Starsky, who was curled up softly snoring in his sleeping bag.

"That's it, Tiny Camper," Hutch said patting his shoulder. "Sleep well. Lots more to learn tomorrow."

As Hutch settled into his own sleeping bag, he let the sound of the rippling stream lull him to sleep.

But then bright lights above the woods snapped him out of his slumber, and he jostled Starsky's shoulder.

"David! Wake up! Look at that!"

Starsky blinked himself awake to the sight of bright lights hovering overhead.

"What the-"

"Wow," Hutch said.

Just then Starsky started kicking and swatting furiously inside his sleeping bag.

"Ah, God, Hutch! A spider! A big one!"

Starsky jumped up and started running away, toward the camper truck, which was closer to him than the Torino.

"Whoa, partner, whoa," Hutch said jumping to his feet and chasing him. "Slow down."

Just as they both reached the camper, a beam of light shone down and dematerialized them, then teleported them through the air above.

::

"Oh wow," Hutch said as he and Starsky rematerialized on the Starship Enterprise.

Starsky looked at Hutch and said, "What just happened? I felt kinda grainy and discombobulated for a second." With a slight shrug he said, "At least, no more spiders, huh?"

Hutch looked around. "I think we're on...a spaceship?"

"Correction," Mr. Spock said walking toward them. "Starship. And not just any starship. This is the Enterprise."

Starsky and Hutch looked out the starship's huge windshield, and saw that they weren't flying at all, just hovering above the woods. They could see their campsite and the camper truck and Torino on the ground below.

"Why?" Hutch asked. "Why are we here?"

"We beamed you up," Captain Kirk said joining his place next to Mr. Spock.

"Sort of like my transcendental meditation," Hutch said with a touch of awe and wonder in his voice. "Except quicker."

"On Earth," Captain Kirk explained, "at this very moment, in your world, it's 1976. Your time. We're from the future, the year 2266."

"Wow," Hutch said. "So what brings you here now?"

"Just passing through. We heard about your Bicentennial celebrations and thought we'd come check it out. You seem like two friendly guys."

"We are," Hutch said. "Most of the time."

"But you can't do anything too weird while you're here," Starsky said peevishly. "Because if you do, then it messes up our present and our future. Just remember that. You can party, you can do your little space exploration thingy, do whatever your outer limits desire. But leave us and our world intact. You got that?"

Mr. Spock's eyebrow raised. "A curious specimen."

Kirk smiled at the partners. "Would you like a tour of the Enterprise?"

Starsky's eyes shifted from hostility to lust. "I want to fly this thing."

Kirk looked out the windshield, and down toward the Torino. "And I'd like to 'drive' that, as your timeframe likes to say."

Starsky reached into his front jeans pocket and pulled out his car keys, handing them to Kirk. "I want those back."

"Follow me."

"Wait," Hutch said grabbing his partner's arm. "Hold up. I'm not allowed to drive your car, but HE is? You barely know him. I'm your blood brother heart brother soul brother half brother step brother and brother once removed brother."

Starsky offered an apologetic shrug. "He's the captain of a spaceship, Hutch. Do the math."

Hutch looked slightly hurt while Kirk led Starsky over to where Chekov and Sulu were seated. Then Hutch wandered over to the beautiful communications officer, Lieutenant Uhura.

"Yeah, so," he said with a small come-on smile, "you into camping?"

The End