Hello again. Sorry about the extremely late update. I'm a horrible person, and went to no-internet-land for a vacation.

Next update will be up as soon as it's written. Probably two or more chapters left.

Also, sorry for any medical stuff in this chapter that I messed up. I don't know much other than they have awful food and shit TV. Seriously, one time I had to stay in the hospital for a whole week, Sesame Street or news 24/7 is not appealing.

Disclaimer: Nope, I don't own or profit off of Castle in any way. This is just fanfiction.

Beckett watched Castle's chest rise and fall. He was alive, breathing. The relief she felt at that fact was all consuming, it was the best news she had ever heard. He was alive. Castle was alive.

But it had been close, he'd lost a lot of blood. The bullet had caused some damage to his lungs; he needed help to breathe properly for now. He had tubes all around him, feeding oxygen to his lungs. At first, the sight had terrified Beckett. The fact he needed so many machines just to keep breathing was more than unsettling.

Even worse, the bullet was only half of his problems; Castle had been stabbed deep into his left side. The knife had cut dangerously close to several internal organs. A few degrees difference and Castle would've been dead back in his kitchen, he wouldn't have even made it to the killer's torture chambers.

And to add on to all of that, he had multiple gashes, bruises, and cuts into his skin from whatever torture those men did to him. The more she stared at the cuts and slices on his skin, the more Beckett had started imagining taking the knife to their skin and torturing information out of them. Vengeance was an easy outlet for her anger. The fantasies disturbed her, but she didn't bother fighting them off anymore. It was just too exhausting.

Three days Castle had been sedated so he could recover. Three days Beckett had either been in the waiting room or sleeping in the chair beside his bed, always close by. She didn't think it was unreasonable to be so affected by his condition. He was her partner… more than just her partner. Either way, he was important to her, in a way she couldn't put to words. Whatever happened to him, affected her in some way. His current condition was bad, worse than she's ever seen him. The only comfort she had was the rhythmic beeping of his heart monitor; it helped lull her to sleep at night.

Although there wasn't much progress in his condition, today the doctors planned on removing the ventilator tubing and replacing it with a much less intimidating oxygen mask, but he'll still be asleep for another day or so. At least, that's what the doctors said.

Kate often pictured how Castle would be when he woke up. He would definitely not be happy, he's going to be in pain and probably loopy from the drugs in his system. He's going to be stuck in here for at least a few more days to be monitored around the clock. Plus, she heard the doctors talking about hooking him up with a small oxygen tank for when he goes home.

What about when he sees her? Hopefully, he won't be too pissed at her.

What if he says he needs some "space." Her subconscious sneered. She shook her head, her guilt coming back in full force. He wouldn't do that to her. He wouldn't…

Kate's eye caught Martha, abruptly appearing from the entryway. "Good morning, Miss Beckett." She said. Martha and Alexis came every day, same time every morning. They would stay the whole day, then Alexis would fight to stay the whole night and Martha would insist that they go home. The day would wrap with Kate promising Alexis to watch over her father. The predictability of the day after only three nights with him didn't go unacknowledged in her mind. She was just waiting for a break in the routine.

"Good morning, Martha. How are you?"

"Good, as best as I can be. Anything new?" She asked, setting her bags down in the chair on the opposite side of Castle's bed. Kate thought fleetingly that the woman was trying to put some distance between them, but she immediately wiped the paranoid thought away. Martha had made it clear—on multiple occasions— that she didn't blame Kate for her son's current condition.

Still, Kate couldn't stop the constant guilt from forcing itself into her mind.

"No… the doctors are replacing the tube with an oxygen mask, but otherwise he's the same." Same. Hanging onto life by a thread. Kate pictured herself holding a pair of scissors.

Stop the pity party already.

You didn't kill him.

She let her head fall into her hands, willing the guilt to both leave her body while simultaneously latching onto the dormant parts of her mind. To save it for later instead of immersing herself in it now. But blaming herself was the only thing she could focus on. She didn't like admitting she was wrong, but this time there was no one else to point the finger at. This was all on her.

She could be angry at Castle for putting himself in danger, for never listening to her, but he was in a hospital bed unconscious. A lot of good being angry at him would do her.

Gates…Gates had been out of the loop for most of this one.

Espo, Ryan, they were trying to help. They always had her back. They deserved a thank you, not an accusation.

This was her case that Castle got hurt trying to solve. It's always been her mother's case—or maybe it's just her case now— that ends with death.

"Where's Alexis?" She wondered suddenly, finally noticing that she wasn't with Martha.

"She'll be in soon." Was her reply, Martha's expression told her not to push. The woman seemed sad; understandably considering her son was seriously hurt, but more so today than the previous days. Kate wondered how she was handling, how Alexis was handling. Based on her saddened expression, she knew it couldn't be good at the Castle residence right now.

They sat in silence for a while, occasionally Beckett would find her hand reaching to Castle's from her perch in the chair beside his bed. It was oddly comforting to be able to hold his hand, feel the warmth of it. Warmth was good, it was another reminder that he was alive. Martha occasionally would sometimes stand and brush a lock of hair form her son's face, or place a light kiss on his forehead. It was both a heartwarming and sad sight, to see the concern she had for her son, knowing he wouldn't be in this predicament if it wasn't for her.

They were sitting in thoughtful silence when the doctor came in, "Well we're going to take some of the tubes out now. He'll still need a ventilator to breathe properly. The damage to his lungs was very severe; we want to monitor him to the point where he can breathe on his own. There's also a small possibility his lungs could fill with fluid, we want to make sure that doesn't happen or else we'll have a much bigger problem on our hands." The women nodded, understanding that Castle will need to stay at the hospital longer.

"When do you think he'll wake up, Doctor?" Martha asked, hope in her voice. Kate was already preparing herself for the worst possible answer of Never. Though, logically, she knew that wouldn't be his response.

"Very soon. Sometime within the next day or two. If all is well, he could wake up today even." The doctor smiled warmly, before leaving the room. Kate looked to Castle with a new eagerness.

He would wake up soon. Kate wasn't sure if she was ready to face him.

…

Castle didn't wake up that day, but he did get a more comfortable oxygen mask. The tubing around his mouth and throat had looked uncomfortable.

Beckett stayed the night again, though she was surprised Alexis never came. She hoped the girl was alright and getting some rest. Despite the comfort of having Castle so close, she was starting to wear down from lack of sleep. A few hours every night had been enough the past few days, but now she was starting to feel the weariness more. In her bones and in her whole body. The combination of both physical and emotional exhaustion was simply overwhelming and Beckett hoped she'd have some time to just let it take her soon. She could only fight the waves for so long before they pulled her under by force.

The next day—Wednesday—Beckett thought she might finally have the opportunity when Castle's hand started to grip hers.

"Doctor!" She called quickly, as Castle's grip tightened and his eyes fluttered. Alexis and Martha were there too, and they sprang out of their seats and rushed to his side. He was waking up, finally.

"Let me see," The doctor said, appearing in the doorway. They all backed away slightly, but still hovered close by. Kate could see his eyelids fluttering; she held his hand tighter hoping he'd look at her. She needed to see his eyes, see life in them.

The doctor straightened up, "He's going to be really groggy and tired, let him rest if he wants too. He's going to be confused so don't try to overwhelm him." The doctor said firmly, watching with the three women as Castle's eyelids finally stayed open.

Castle looked around the room rapidly, as if he'd never seen a hospital room. His eyes darted to Kate in panic and Beckett gave his hand a gentle squeeze, hoping it comforted him. His eyes settled on her for a moment, she could see the confusion and grogginess there, the attempt to comprehend where he was and what was going on.

"Where…" He croaked, his voice low and dry, muffled further by the oxygen mask.

"You're in the hospital. You got yourself into quite a mess, Castle." She said, running a soothing hand through his hair. For a brief moment, understanding filled Castle's eyes, but it quickly retreated as his focus went to his daughter, then his mother. His disorientation was to be expected, but seeing Castle so frazzled made Kate want to ask the doctor for help. Kate ignored the impulse, knowing it was just her paranoid mind that wanted the make sure everything was alright.

Castle acknowledged his daughter and mother, after some gentle nudging on their part. His voice was so small when he whispered a gentle "Hey." Alexis let out a small whimper and hugged him fiercely. Kate took a step back as Martha joined her granddaughter, they could use a little family space. Kate couldn't help but feel a little bit apart of the Castle family, especially after staying four days in the hospital with the man and trying to offer comfort to his family.

Castle hugged his family gently and acknowledged Kate with a tired nod, but for the most part, everyone could tell Castle was still pretty out of it. Still though, he managed to give her hand a small squeeze as he lay back in his bed.

Kate stayed quiet, letting him take it all in. Martha and Alexis occupied his attention for the most part, not that he could focus real well. She could tell he was distracted, but he made an effort in order to soothe his worried family. His family wasn't unperceptive though, they could see his distraction too and eventually settled to give him a moment.

Slowly, his confusion and grogginess morphed into understanding as he took in his surroundings. Kate could see his memory gradually coming back to him, but with it, the trauma of everything happened. Flashes of fear, panic, pain, and some unidentifiable emotion fading in and out of his eyes as he remembered. His eyes told the story, but she could feel it in the way his grasp on her hand tightened, then loosened, before tightening again at each thought that ran through his head. She wasn't a mind reader, but right now, Castle was an open book, an open book that she had practically written herself from her past traumas. She didn't know the content of his pages, but she knew the feelings each chapter could hold.

In her mind, it was a good analogy to channel her perception of him, especially since he is a writer. It was easier than succumbing to the paranoid curiosity that tempted her to ask questions she knew she shouldn't ask...at least not yet. He'd have to talk about it eventually, but he had just woken up. He needed rest, he needed to heal. Everything else could come later.

And, maybe she wasn't the one he should be confiding too. Especially since the thirst for revenge or justice or whatever it was, raging inside her didn't need any more fuel. It was already out of control as it was. It was the real reason they were even in this situation.

Beckett sighed heavily, really, when would the case of all cases finally just...end. Four years and many leads later they were still at yet, another dead end.

Beckett's irritated expression drew Castle's attention. He wondered why she was here, holding his hand, comforting him. Out of pity? Or did she actually care? Did she just have nothing better to do? They had to have caught Maddox; he was a sitting duck in that warehouse. Maybe that was why she was irritated; the case had hit another pitfall.

Looking at her, he felt a sense of deja vu. Except, their roles were reversed, last time she had been in the hospital bed and he was sitting in the nearby chair, attempting to offer comfort when all she wanted to be left alone.

Did he want to be left alone by her? Not really...no. He liked that she was here, but he didn't like the fact she seemed unhappy about it. He wanted her here as long as she wanted to be here and at this point, he really didn't care as long as he knew she was okay.

He felt…foggy, but he remembered what happened. He was shot, tortured, and he watched Kate Beckett be engulfed in flames. The memories were vague and fuzzy, but he knew they were right. He just didn't know what happened in-between staring down the barrel of a gun and here.

Suddenly curious, "Did you have any injuries?" He asked, his voice felt foreign to him, too low, too frail. The image of her being engulfed in flames made him shiver involuntarily.

She smiled warmly, and the some of the tension he felt at her intimidating presence dissipated. "A few cuts and bruises, and some smoke inhalation, but I'm fine, Castle." Unthinkingly, Kate brushed a strand of hair out of Castle's eyes. His eyes widened at the tender gesture, maybe she did care more than she let on.

Kate was a little stunned herself at how easy, natural that had been. How she didn't even hesitate to move the strand of hair from his face. Normally, any physical contact between her and Castle was hesitant or ended in them both shying away.

Maybe it was her exhaustion, lessening whatever filter that was between them. Maybe it was her newfound determination to be with him that made it so easy to initiate such an intimate gesture. Either way, she liked it. She liked not having to overthink every little touch. If she wanted to comfort Castle, she should be able to do it without overanalyzing.

Castle attempted a smile at her before turning back to Alexis and Martha.

…

Later that day, Kate finally felt comfortable enough to go home. She hugged the Castles goodbye, saying she would see them tomorrow morning. She tried not to worry, when she left Castle was smiling and acting almost like his normal goofy self so she had no reason to worry, but the adrenaline from the days prior still wouldn't entirely leave her. Hoping to rid of the phantom nerves, she took a warm shower, hoping the soothing water would loosen her up.

She had no reason to stress; she had resigned—sort of— so no job to do. Castle was in good hands, and the killers wouldn't mess with her, at least not now. She wasn't on the case; they had no reason to come after her now. She could relax.

Exhausted, she headed straight to bed after her shower with a phone and book in hand. She called Lanie and updated her on Castle's condition. She said she'd come visit him tomorrow. Their conversation was brief, Lanie knew her well enough to know that now was not the time to talk about all the heavy stuff. It could wait, and Beckett was completely worn out.

She took a deep cleansing breath after she hung up, the smell of home replacing the burning hospital smell. In some respects, the days at the hospital felt more like years. The constant waiting and worrying slowed time to a standstill. Now that she was home, it was like time was rushing, the clock informing her it was already almost midnight. Tired, she laid down, falling asleep the second her head hit the pillow.

…

Kate went in to the hospital the next morning feeling stronger, more confident. Though waking up in the morning with her odd tasting coffee and lack of a job unsettled her. She hoped the 12th would take her back, not today, but in the distant future maybe. Her first order of business was Castle, and trying to fix...or maybe even start whatever it was that they had. Again, now was not the time. He was still recovering, but she knew she'd have to start sometime.

She felt lighter stepping into his room and sitting in her normal chair. Martha and Alexis greeted her as she walked in; informing her that Castle was asleep. Good, he needed rest. He might not get much later when he was on different meds and back at home. Beckett learned that the hard way when she simply didn't want to sleep at the hospital, then had the inability to sleep at home.

Castle was going to be in for a rough couple of months, she just hoped he'd let her help him through it.

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