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"Hello?" Rachel waves a hand in front of Santana's face to get her attention. "Are we going to talk about this?"
They have been sitting in silence for a couple of minutes now. Santana is resting her back against her headboard and Rachel is sitting at the end of the bed with her feet folded under her.
"I don't know what you want me to say Rachel. Mack is my friend…I guess." Santana says frustrated with the situation.
"You guess?" Rachel frowns. "Really, Santana? Let's just be honest and get everything out in the open. Are you fucking her or what?"
Santana just blinks at Rachel. Rachel cursing means she's upset or just dead serious about this.
"No…I'm not fucking her. Like I said… she's my friend." Rachel rolls her eyes. "And…yes we've kissed. We've made out…a lot." She informs. "She took me to some gay bars and clubs and at one point I actually considered sleeping with her. We came close to going through with it a few times." When she's done Rachel is just staring at her.
"If…" Rachel has a blank look on her face.
Santana tries to ignore the guilty feeling she feels about how she's made Rachel feel, but like Mack said. She never agreed to just be with Rachel in any kind of way. But at the same time she is just using that as an excuse for her actions. She knows she wants Rachel. Who wouldn't?
Rachel is smart, funny, a good listener, and has the ability to be sexy and adorable all at one. Plus they already have a great friendship, which makes everything that much easier with each other. And those looks Rachel give her…sets her body on fire.
"If I didn't overhear her…would you have told me… about her?" Rachel asks quietly. "I mean…told me that you almost slept with another girl."
"Yes." Santana doesn't hesitate. "Mack is…I like her. I think she's a good person. I want to be her friend. I even think you will like her."She leaves out the part where she thinks Mack is hot.
"So…what does that mean? What are you doing with me?"
"I can tell you're mad." Santana ignores the question, grabbing Rachel hand and tugging. "Come here," She keeps pulling on Rachel until the girl is straddling her legs.
"Thank you for being honest." Rachel says, running her fingers through Santana's hair, which is down flowing around her shoulders. "Now let me be honest with you." Santana's not sure she's ready for what Rachel might say. "This is hard for me…"
"Well it's not a walk in the park for me either." Santana cuts her off.
"San…please don't. Let me finish." Santana sighs and Rachel takes that as her go ahead to continue. "I've noticed girls before. But it was more like a physical thing. With you it's like ten times worse. I think you're beautiful and I'm emotionally drawn to you. I like you, okay?"
"You told me that already."
"I know but…" Rachel lets out a frustrated sigh and rests her head against Santana's shoulder.
"Rach…just tell me."
"I don't want you sleeping with other girls. Boys." Rachel says into her shoulder. But Santana can hear her clearly. "Not even kissing." Rachel pulls back to look at her. "Yes…wanting to be with a girl is new to me, but these feelings I have are not. They don't change who I am and how I value myself. I can't be some girl on the side that you explore with. That's not me."
"I tol…" Rachel pecks Santana on the lips to stop her from talking.
"You told me I'm more than that. I remember." Rachel nods. "But how much more can I be if the minute I wasn't around you picked up this Mack girl and started doing the same things with her that you're doing with me."
"Whoa Rachel."
"You said you could see yourself with me Santana." Rachel ignores her and continues. "Yeah I'm not your girlfriend, but correct me if I'm wrong, when you tell someone that you are interested in them you don't go kissing someone else or get even a little naked with someone else." Santana is shocked by the power Rachel is putting into her words. Everything Rachel is saying is true and it makes her feel like shit.
"I'm sorry." She says clutching onto Rachel's sides. Rachel blinks and then that's when she sees the tears in her eyes. "Don't cry."
"Gosh…" Rachel lightly slaps her shoulder. "Do you even care that this whole Mack situation really hurts my feelings?" Rachel keeps herself together. Last thing she wants to do is cry in front of Santana.
"I do. Of course I do." She pulls Rachel closer. "I swear her and I are just friends now. I…I don't even know why…I wasn't trying to hurt you by fooling around with her. Honestly."
"I know."
"It won't happen again, okay?"
"I'm not…I don't want you to say that to me because it's what you think I want to hear." Rachel scoots back on her legs a little. "Say it because you want to. Because you actually feel something for me."
"I didn't have sex with her because of you." Santana decides to be honest. "I knew you would be mad about me kissing someone else but I figured you would forgive more for that. But I knew if I had sex with someone else that my chance with you would be over."
Santana hates how selfish she sounds. Not being ready to admit to her feeling shouldn't have made her into an asshole. But she can't help but thinking that's what she sounds like right now.
"So over." Rachel agrees.
"But I didn't because I want that chance. Plus I just couldn't hurt you like that." She pulls Rachel back to her and into a kiss.
"I don't have to be your girlfriend yet, but just…can we date exclusively? Please?" Rachel says breaking the kiss. "I can't do this if I have to share you."
"Yes."
^&*^^(&0!#
"She was so pissed about me messing around with you," Santana says into the phone. She's just got back from hanging out with Rachel and now she's waiting on her dad to get out of his work clothes so they can spend the evening together. "I agreed to date her." She informs. "Exclusively." She tags on to make herself clear.
"Well damn. I guess you gets no more sexy time with the Mack." Mack giggles into the phone. "What the fuck is dating anyway?" She can hear the laughter in Mack's voice. "Oh and dating each other exclusively….you guys mind as well get married."
"Shut up," Santana huffs into the phone.
"No seriously…what's this dating thing you guys are doing?"
"I don't know…I guess it means I can't court other girls. It's like a test run to see if we actually can be a couple without fucking everything up."
"Sounds like otter bullshit to me, but hey…your life not mines."
"Don't be mad cuz your life isn't as exciting." Santana watches as her dad walks into the room. "Well my dad's ready, so I'll talk to you tomorrow."
"Good luck with sneaking away from your girlfriend long enough for that." Santana rolls her eyes and hangs up.
"Okay baby girl lets hit the streets." Santana roll her eyes at her dad's lameness but still allows him to pull her out of the house.
Three hours later after some shopping and a nice dinner, Santana and her father are sitting around the living room watching some primetime TV.
"I'm really glad you're here, San." Carmelo says when the show goes onto commercial.
Santana looks over and smiles at him. She really didn't know what to expect of this day out with her dad. It's been awhile since they've actual hangout outside of the house or dinner somewhere. Her dad actually didn't have bad taste so he was quiet helpful in helping her make clothing selections and he was great at light conversation.
"This is the first really good day I've had since mom. So thanks dad." She doesn't mean to make him cry but that's the reaction her words get. When she moves to hug him and apologize he just smiles and shake his head saying I'm okay kid.
She thinks this might be his best day as well.
^%*%&%4
Santana spends Christmas with her dad. The Lopez's have always been very charitable, but they couldn't give as much as usually this year because of hospital bills so Carmelo suggest they spend more time volunteering. She knows Rachel loves to volunteer so she got her and Puck to tag along to the homeless shelter with her and her dad. They spend most of the day helping hand out dinners and organizing other activates the shelter provides doing the holidays.
The rest of her week is spent hanging out with her dad until he has to go back to work on New Year's Eve. She brings in the New Year at a little party Puck has with her friends. The day Santana and her friends leave to go back to school she hugs her Dad tight. All she can think is how different it feels to tell this man she'll see him later. They promise to call each other more.
%*&%85
When they get closer to the city they attend school in, they decide to spend the night at Rachel's and Puck's because it's late and they have too much crap to unpack from the truck.
Suck my cockiness
Lick my persuasion
Eat my poison
And swallow your pride down, down
Place my wants and needs
Over your resistance
And then you come around
You come around
You come around
I want you to be my sex slave
Anything that I desire
Be one with my….
Santana phone starts ringing while she's standing in the kitchen listening to Rachel bitch her out about leaving a big ass pizza box with only two slices of pizza in the refrigerator.
She rolls her eyes when she hears that ringtone. Santana made the mistake of leaving her phone unattended around Mack and the girl changed her ringtone to Rihanna's Cockiness song. Mack had been running that song into the ground before she left.
"I'm sorry, babe. Won't happen again." She pecks Rachel on the lips before touching her phone screen, answering her phone.
"Come out with us tonight? You can even bring your girl." Mack says as soon as Santana says hello.
"It's already like one in the morning." Santana says watching Rachel roll her eyes and leave the kitchen to join her friends in the living room.
"Who the hell cares? We still have like four days before school starts. I'm partying all the way until my first class on Tuesday fucking morning!" Mack is clearly drunk.
"No thanks bud. Maybe tomorrow." Mack doesn't let her hang up until she promises to hanging out tomorrow.
When she walks into the living room Mike is bragging about how it's the third time he has done beat Pucks ass in whatever game they are playing, Tina and Quinn has pulled out the pull out bed from the couch and are passed out, Rachel is reclining back into the lazy boy chair.
"Good night guys." She calls out to the guys, grabbing Rachel's hand. She pulls the shorter girl down the hall to her room.
They take their time and get into something more comfortable to sleep in.
"So that was Mack,"Santana starts from the bed as she watches Rachel brush her hair. "She wants us to hangout with her tomorrow after she gets off of work."
"Us?" Rachel says skeptically.
"I told you she's a cool girl, Rach." Santana sighs. "I already told her that I'm dating you now or whatever. We're just friends now. Hopefully you can be her friend too."
"Don't you think that would be kind of awkward?" Rachel asks, joining Santana on the bed. "Stop. That tickles." Rachel giggles and slap Santana's wondering hands away.
"Nope. You haven't met Mack. She's…" Rachel cuts her off with her lips.
"Let's not talk about Mack right now." Rachel says pulling Santana onto her.
%^^&$%
"Quinn this is Mack." She points to the brunette who has gotten into her backseat.
"Mack…this is my bestie Quinn."
"Sup Quinn." Mack grins. "Where's Rachel?"
"She had plans with our friend Mike today." Santana says. Rachel didn't originally have plans with Mike but she made some after Santana asked her to hangout with Mack. Santana just let it go because she doesn't want Rachel to be uncomfortable. She knows Rachel will come around. The girl never has been one to deny anyone her friendship.
"Cool. So Quinn?" Mack focuses back on Quinn while Santana pulls away from Mack's job. "You gay?" Quinn shakes her head no. "Shame. I thought this was love at first sight, but I see now it's only one sided." Quinn blushes.
"Leave her alone, Mack." Santana laughs.
Santana won't lie and say that she's magically 100% not attracted to Mack anymore. She still finds the girl sexy and she'll admits to letting Mack get away with the lingering touches to her arm and a longer than necessary hug when she went to get her from inside the movie theater. She doesn't even think Mack knows the effect she has on her. The girl is a natural flirt. Mack also knows how to back off. Once Santana said she was dating Rachel, Mack stopped offering to go down on her or be her make out buddy.
Santana knows she wants to be with Rachel.
The problem is she doesn't know how to go about dealing with the different feelings she has for both girls.
TBC
The song in this chapter was Cockiness by Rihanna.
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