Sorry Sorry Sorry, this has taken so long to update. I have a serious writers block right now. I hate it.

This chapter was originally longer, but I wanted to update sooner so I split it up.

Disclaimer: Don't have any rights or profit from Castle.

Kate helped Castle out of the hospital. He leaned heavily on her; he was so exhausted she was surprised he hadn't fallen asleep standing up. Must be the pain medication. She remembered how it made her feel so physically exhausted, how frustrating it was to be so tired but incapable of falling asleep.

She held Castle up by his arm and a soothing hand on his shoulder. He looked at her, his blue eyes were glazed over with an emptiness she found frightening.

"Are we going home now?" he asked quietly. The sound of his voice was followed by a weak fit of coughs. He really must be out of it, she had mentioned to him on multiple occasions that he would be going home today.

"Yes." She answered, though they might have to rush back into the hospital if his lungs decided to fail him again. Castle insisted on walking without the oxygen and so Alexis took it with her when she went to get the car. He clearly needed it. Sure, he could breathe on his own, but it was still a struggle for him.

"We need to get you your oxygen." She told him sternly. He shook his head, the action causing him to cough even more.

"No, I'm fine."

"You're not fine."

Anger flared through Castle, but he was too tired to hold onto his resolve. He looked to Beckett pleadingly, knowing that she of all people would understand why he didn't want the oxygen tank.

"Please, just wait until we get home. I don't want to scare Alexis more than I already have. Seeing it upsets her." He murmured quietly. Kate was taken aback by the brief moment of clarity in his eyes. He didn't want to scare his daughter, which was fair. Heck, the thing kind of creeped her out too, it reminded her of his injuries, how he was still so close to death. But he needed it, he couldn't breathe properly. No, she couldn't give into him when it threatened his health.

"You need it, Castle. Do you hear yourself coughing? It's not exactly the sound of a good bill of health." The clarity in Castle's eyes faded just as Alexis was pulling up with the car. Kate sighed, hating herself for denying his one request. But she couldn't do it; she'd already caused him enough damage.

She got in the back of the car first, so she could help Castle get himself in from the inside. She guided him into the car, he clearly needed the help. She could tell he was struggling to stay upright. He was swaying minutely, like he was on a light buzz. Although he had the depth perception of a drunk, he kept reaching for out for things that were already close to him. He reached for her hand and missed. Kate would've laughed in any other situation, but instead she reached for him and helped him into the car.

After he was situated, Kate turned to Alexis in the driver's seat, "Have his oxygen?"

"Right here." She said, lifting a grey bag from the front seat and handing it to Kate.

Castle made a face, but didn't fight her as she started hooking him up. It took a moment to find all right places for the tubing to go, but she got the whole thing hooked up before they even hit the second stoplight.

By the time she was done Castle seemed in his own world as she handed him the breathing mask, his eyes didn't focus on her when he took it and placed the mask over his nose and mouth. As much as she wanted to give in and tell him he didn't have to wear it, she could clearly see his breathing come to an easier rhythm.

Kate sighed heavily. She was tired; this whole ordeal just seemed to keep going.

This week had been...trying. The first two days Castle seemed entirely himself, making jokes, his flirty remarks, his ever present playfulness. He was Richard Castle, her stupid, amusing, extraordinary partner. She was relieved and hopeful that he'd be back to normal in no time. But somewhere along the line, everything that happened to him sunk in. She suspected it was on day three of four of wakefulness. He was quieter on those days; he didn't ask when he could go home. He didn't try to make conversation; he just stared off into space. Silence always seems to be a bad thing when it comes to Castle. Kate had tried to snap him out of it multiple times, but he seemed to always fall right back into it.

Days five and six weren't so bad, he had made an effort. Though on Day Five, he was pretty high on medication. He had jokingly called Kate "Nikki" half the day and alternated between giggling at his daughter and complimenting Kate. It had been embarrassing, but highly amusing.

But today, day nine, he was going home. And Castle was still not himself.

Quiet and reserved were two adjectives that didn't go with Castle. He was silent the whole day, though he truly seemed happy to be going home, even though he was still under strict medical supervision.

There was something off about his eyes, they just looked... haunted. Even driving home now, they still held the same empty, gloomy aura.

The ride back to Castle's loft was unsettling. The gap between Beckett and Castle was filled with tension, and not the kind she was used to between them. Castle seemed unaffected by it, or maybe he didn't even feel it. Maybe he was too wrapped up in his own thoughts to notice. Either way, it caused Beckett to fidget uncomfortably in her seat.

Mentally, Kate added this to the list of Castle's atypical behaviors.

Unobservant. Cold.

She couldn't help but stare at Castle, her heart clenching at the sight of him. He looked so troubled, staring out the window. It seemed fitting that it was currently raining; it fit the melancholy picture perfectly.

She just wished he would say something, make a joke, crack a smile. Some sign that he was still in there. That he hadn't completely retreated into himself. The man she knew would have broken the tension immediately. His silence was far too loud; she couldn't just sit there and ignore it.

Her gaze locked with Alexis's in the rearview mirror; her eyes were filled with concern and unspoken questions. So, it wasn't just her who could feel the tension. That was somewhat comforting.

Her gaze flicked back to Castle, she remembered how she ran up to his door, both excited and nervous to reveal to him that she didn't care that the killer got away. That, at the moment, all she cared about was him. She still felt that ache within her to just let the walls down and tell him everything. Even though he probably wasn't healthy enough to deal with it right now, she still wanted to be with him.

He may not be able to handle all her baggage right now, but there was nothing wrong with being close to him.

She wanted to be with him, she wasn't going to hide it anymore. Before she could change her mind, she closed the gap between them. Sitting so close that she could feel the heat coming off of him. Still, he didn't seem to notice.

She went to hold his hand, but as her skin met his, he shivered and flinched away from her. She pulled back, startled by his reaction. He looked terrified; his breathing was coming in short gasps like he was scared of what she would do to him. She knew that look, experienced it. It was the look that said pain and suffering, that look screamed fear.

That feeling was all too familiar. He needed comfort, he needed to calm down. He needed out of his own mind.

She swallowed the irrational hurt stuck in her throat. He was clearly deep in thought, he wasn't afraid of her, just what was in his head. "It's just me, Castle." Slowly, she took his hand in hers and his breathing slowed almost instantly.

"Sorry," he mumbled, the word muffled by the oxygen mask, before turning back to the window. Kate squeezed his hand and leaned her head on his shoulder. He didn't relax like she hoped, but he didn't pull away either. She was grateful for that, especially since she was the one who always pulled away.

For the rest of the drive home, Beckett watched Castle carefully. She cuddled up to him, despite his stiff, unfriendly posture. His breathing was still irregular, but it was getting better. His eyes still remained glazed over in thought. Kate wondered what was going on in there, how exactly he was working things out. She still didn't know what happened to him while he was taken, she hadn't been allowed to know that.

It was almost offensive how she didn't get to see the file on this case. Sure, she wasn't a detective anymore, but she was a bigger part of it than anyone.

They pulled up outside his building, Kate eyed it fearfully. Last time she was here she walked in on a crime scene.

At least it wasn't Alexis who had walked in.

"We're home." Alexis announced her voice a mixture of relief and worry. Castle didn't move, it looked like he didn't even know the car had stopped.

Kate put a gentle hand to his face in comfort; he recoiled, but not as violently as before. He looked lost, confusion at both her action and his absurd reaction.

Kate would not hurt him, Castle knew that. But whenever he let his thoughts drift, it was like he was back in that room, a knife piercing his skin. Not only that, but he was remembering everything. What happened in his loft. He remembered putting up a good fight with his captor, but the feel of cool metal pushing through his skin was overwhelming. He was remembering how it felt to have a bullet rip through him. Just...everything. It was too much.

During his time at the hospital, he pushed the memories back. He had the chance too, being in the hospital was about getting better and going home. Now that he was on his way home he wasn't so sure he was well enough. At the hospital he felt stronger, safer. Going back home seemed easy while he was there, but now that he was actually home, not so much. He was conflicted, he was exposed. They could attack him, Kate, Alexis, so easily. They just had to break through the front door.

"Castle," Kate's voice coaxed him out of the car. Her gentleness towards him was puzzling. Before this all happened they had fought. Was she not angry about that anymore? She was very...affectionate at the hospital. At first, he thought it was just because he was in the hospital. But this, her constant presence, taking care of him. Did she change her mind?

He hoped so.

Kate watched him work out the confusion in his head. She didn't understand it, there was nothing to be confused about, but he seemed keen on some unknown problem. She hoped he would solve it soon so some of the tension between them would evaporate. He shouldn't be over analyzing things right now, he needed to relax, heal.

Alexis and Beckett helped Castle up to his loft. They walked in soaked from the rain. Castle seemed exhausted and entirely to out of breath for how little walking they did. It's not like they took the stairs or anything, all they did was walk into and out of the elevator really.

Kate hated that feeling, hated that he had to experience it; the feeling of being so worn out after such a short distance was frustrating. She wanted to tell him that it's okay, but decided against it, his blank stare was actually rather intimidating.

"Home sweet home." Castle growled in a stale tone.

"Shut up." Alexis said, patting her father's head. He grumbled, but still gave her a smile. He always had a smile if it meant making his daughter happy.

"Let's get you to bed." Kate mumbled, Castle's arm swung over Kate's shoulders lazily. He leaned most of his weight on her, his legs were still too weak.

Kate was surprised to see the corners of his lips twitch up, "Yeah, Kate. Take me to bed." he mumbled, attempting to sound suggestive. He was smirking, Kate was relieved he at least attempted to joke, but it seemed to fall flat. He knew it too; his hint of a smile fell instantly.

Kate managed an incredibly fake smile hoping to cheer him up and hauled him into his bedroom. Under different circumstances, she would be...glad to be in this room. She had never been in here before, among other things, but right now she was worried. Castle would be in here, all alone, by himself. No machines guaranteeing his survival.

Maybe she could sit outside his room, listen to make sure he's okay.

Beckett gently lowered Castle onto his bed, checking and double checking to make sure he was fine. He gave her an amused look as she hovered over him, watching her worry herself over ever little thing. Watching her look after him, like he would break into a hundred pieces any minute.

He smiled at her concern, "Thanks Beckett, but don't worry over me. I'm good."

She knew she shouldn't be so crowding, but images of finding him unresponsive were constantly filling her mind.

Walking into the room, finding him without a pulse on the floor beside his bed.

Dead, his oxygen not hooked up correctly. Just his corpse, absent of life.

Checking up on him only to watch him fight for life as his heart gives up. Seeing the darkness in his eyes when his heart refuses to beat under her hands.

She needed to leave.

But she couldn't…she definitely wasn't going home tonight.

Castle read the panic on her face. Her anxiety was coming off in waves, hitting him like tides of water against a rock in the ocean.

"Kate-"

"I'll be right back." She interrupted before running back into the kitchen. She needed a moment to try and sort out her thoughts and to check with Alexis. She didn't want to intrude on her space, but she just couldn't leave him. Not when every time the phone rang at home she pictured it was the hospital telling her Castle was dead.

Here she knew. Here she would be right there if something happened.

She seriously needed to talk to her therapist about her paranoia, it was getting annoying.

"Detective…" Alexis called shyly from behind her. Kate turned slowly, careful of Castle's daughter. Her words from the week prior sounded in her head. Kate's fault, her fault that Alexis's father was in such rough shape. Should she even bother to ask?

"Alexis." God how could she fix this? "You can call me Kate, you know."

The girl gave her a pained smile, "Okay." She paused, taking a deep breath, "Um...I want to…I wanted…never mind." She stammered, Alexi's nervousness sparked her own, "Would you like something to eat or anything?" Alexis had clearly changed directions from whatever was so important, but she let it go.

"No thanks, but is it okay if I stay here tonight?" She rushed the words out quickly, before she could overthink them. "I'd just feel more comfortable if I was close by…in case something happened." She swallowed, forcing down the worry that choked her.

Alexis's eyes widened, "Sure, you can take the guest room."

"Thanks." She would go home tomorrow morning to clean up—after checking on Castle first. The clothes she was wearing weren't that dirty anyway.

Kate watched the tongue tied teen carefully, something was obviously bugging her.

"Are you okay?" She asked carefully.

"Yeah…I'll tell you later." Alexis smiled warmly. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight." Kate replied, watching her head for her room. At least Martha would be there tomorrow night, Kate felt helpless to comfort Alexis. She wanted to help her, comfort her, but she didn't know how. Kate had been giving advice to Castle on how to help her for years, how come she couldn't help her now? She was an expert on watching a parent go through pain, so why can't even offer at least some of her experience to Alexis? If nothing else, she should be able to tell her how to cope with this situation. But what would she say, she's not even coping. Coping would mean Kate going home and being able to go a few hours without checking up on him.

She sighed heavily, she really was completely useless.

Kate returned to Castle's room, only to find him already in bed. She closed his door quietly; hoping he finally got a good night's sleep and went to the guest room.

She really did try to sleep that night. The covers were warm and familiar. The guest room hadn't changed from when she stayed there after her apartment blew up. Nonetheless, she knew she wouldn't sleep much anyway. Her mind was too awake with worry. Instead she stayed as quiet as possible, trying to listen for Alexis going to bed and for any sounds coming from Castle's bedroom. When she finally heard the close of Alexis's door she emerged, sneaking downstairs and standing outside Castle's bedroom.

She pressed her ear up against his door; she could hear his oxygen going. She'd much rather be in there watching the specific rise and fall of his chest that proved he was breathing, but this was as close as she was going to get for tonight.

Kate made herself comfortable, grabbing a pillow and a blanket off his couch before going to sit by his door. She kept one ear to the door, listening for anything that could mean bad news. Honestly, she didn't know how she was ever going to sleep tonight if she had to hear him breathe in order to feel safe to sleep. Her week at the hospital made her attached to the sound of his breathing. It was the only lullaby that could get her to sleep so for now, she wouldn't fight it. She would fight it later, when she had to get her life back to some sort of normalcy. As long as she was allowed to sleep at the Castle's home, she would let herself have this. It gave her a little bit of peace; she had to hold onto that before chaos returned.

Her head grew heavy and just as she was nearing sweet unconsciousness, a voice broke her out of her thoughts.

"Detective Beckett?" Alexis called out quietly from the top of the staircase. She looked hesitant, uncertain as she descended the staircase and stopped at Beckett's side.

Kate woke immediately, her nerves flaring at the presence of Castle's daughter, "Can't sleep?" Kate asked, trying to sound casual.

"Yeah, I can't stop worrying about him. Do you mind?" Alexis joined Beckett in her self-made bed outside Castle's door. They both leaned their heads back, listening closely for anything out of the ordinary. Kate felt bad for Alexis, her big new life was just ahead of her and she had to stop before she could even begin because Kate failed in protecting her Dad. That was really all she had ever asked of her and she failed.

"Detective Beckett?" Alexis whispered, her hesitance returning.

"Kate." she corrected. How many times would they have the names conversation?

When Alexis didn't continue Kate turned to her, surprised to see that Alexis was fighting back tears. Her eyes were glassy and her lip was quivering. Alexis looked so vulnerable. She thought she had seen almost every side to Alexis, despite not spending a lot of time with her, but after going through multiple crises Kate thought she'd seen most of the young woman's pain. But Alexis's expression didn't hold fear or sadness; it held guilt and Kate instinctively reached to comfort her. Kate knew guilt all too well. How it could eat at you. Whatever Alexis was guilty for, she doubted she deserved it.

"What's wrong?" she asked as her arms wrapped around Alexis. Alexis tried to pull away, but ended up leaning into Beckett's embrace.

"I'm so so sorry." Alexis choked out, Kate pulled back for a moment, confused at what she was apologizing for.

"What for?"

"I...I was unfair to you. I blamed you for all the problems in my Dad's life. It' not your fault he tried to be a hero and it's not your fault he got hurt. I'm sorry." Beckett was shocked at her confession, though she thought it was unnecessary. She blamed herself, though Castle's heroic idiocy played a part as well. If only she could've been there to tell him to stop digging in places he shouldn't.

Alexis sniffled, "Can you forgive me?"

Kate patted her head, a smile in her voice. "There's nothing to forgive."

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