October 2000

After having returned from the Ice cream store with their children and after putting them to bed they meet on the couch in the living-room. Sarah dreaded but she knew that she and Harm needed to talk about the choices they have. Harm on the other hand knew that she needed to voice her worried and fears and that he had to listen to them, for her.

Sarah snuggled into Harm and looked out the windows into the dark for a few minutes. "I had the last operation almost two and a half years ago and now I need another one. This is wrong." He sighed deeply. He knew that this was so wrong but he could not change it. "Sarah it is not fair and it is wrong and we just have to make the best of it. We just take one step at a time."

"What are you scared of Sarah?" she sighed deeply and knew he would not let it go. "Harm I am 30 years old, mother of three children and ill. What do think I am scared of?" she was starting to get agitated and her voice was rising. He tightened his hold on her keeping at his side.

"Sarah you are scared and that is a normal and warranted reaction. But what are you exactly scared of?" he ran soothing hands up and down her back when he felt her breathing get agitated again.

"Harm I will not be able to do things for weeks probably, let alone take care of the kids. They might even send me into early menopause. I will be absolutely incapable of doing anything. I will be a human wreck in early menopause, and is no good any longer." With that she freed herself from his arms and left the living-room taking refuge in their bedroom. Harm was shocked about the things he heard. She was still scared that he would leave her someday.

He found her curled up in a ball in the center of their bed. He carefully sat down next to her on the bed. "Sarah look at me" his request was quiet but strong. She slowly looked up at him and it hurt him to see tear stains on her face. He quickly sat up against the headboard and placed her between his legs covering her with a blanket. He put a hand under her chin and made her look at him while his other arm was wrapped securely around her back.

"I love you Sarah Mackenzie Rabb. That is never going to change. Am I happy that you are ill? I sure as hell am NOT happy that you are ill and in pain. I hate it. I also hate the possibility of you needing an operation again. I sure as hell can promise you that all of these things are not going to change my feelings for you. I love our children and I love you Sarah." He carefully leaned forward and kissed her trying to show her in actions that he meant his words.

When he pulled back she leaned forward and hid her face in his chest. "I am scared of health issues, too Harm." He kissed her hair. "One step at a time, Sarah, one step at a time." She just nodded against his chest. Harm knew that the day had been emotionally draining for her and did not really expect and rational thoughts from her at this time of day.

The next morning saw them back at the office and in a court trail. During the whole day he thought about her and when he saw tried to read her emotional state. He knew that he could not fix the things that were wrong but he at least wanted to help her as much as possible. He even thought about finding a support group for her so she could talk with people who are dealing with the same thing. He could not finish the thought when his office door was abruptly opened. He looked up.

"Sarah!" she nodded jerkily and sat down across from him after slamming the door. "What can I do for you?" she shoved a file across the table to him. "Take this case for me." He looked at the file and then looked back at him. "Who is defending the guy?"

"Brumby and Turner are defending. You and I are prosecuting." After he had looked at the file he knew right away why she hated this case. They were prosecuting a lieutenant who beat up his wife and daughter repeatedly. It reminded her of her first boyfriend.

"Sarah I will not take this case alone. We are supposed to this case together." She was about to object but he silenced her by continuing. "We will do this case together but I will do the questioning. Alright?" she nodded but he could see that she still fest uneasy. He walked around the table and sat down on the edge of it. "Everything will be fine. We will be alright."

When they entered the courtroom two hours later both Sarah and Harm were surprised when they saw who the guy was that they were prosecuting. It was Sarah´s first Boyfriend who she had not seen in 10 years. When Harm looked at her he could see that she shook was still there and in her eyes he could also read the fear she still had. She was still afraid of him.

Sarah looked at the guy and hoped that he has not recognized her. When they sit down Harm gives Sarah´s hand a gentle squeeze and is happy that he negotiated to be first chair with the admiral. While he questioned people and held his speeches Sarah sat next to him silently and made notes.

For Sarah´s sake he wanted to make a deal with the guy because he knew how straining the trial was for her. When they met in the conference room Sarah stayed in the office doing some research. When she entered the conference room she looked straight at Harm and handed him a file. He nodded his thinks, opened it and read it. He also read the little handwritten note she had pinned to the first page. "I already talked to the Admiral. He will be second chair from now on."

He looked at her and when she left the room the Admiral entered and sat down next to Harm. "Alright gentlemen, the Admiral will now be second chair. Major Sarah Mackenzie will now be a witness. Mr. Ragle you know her and were her former boyfriend and she will testify for the prosecution. That will be all." With that Harm and the Admiral left the conference room.

In the afternoon Sarah testified to show that Christopher Ragle had a modus operandi, when it comes to women. She still had her medical records from that time and also had a few pictures, which were pretty good evidence. In the end Lieutenant Christopher Ragle was sentenced to 5 years in jail for battery and domestic abuse.

After returning home in the evening Harm knew that he had to expect nightmares during the night, after she saw him again. Sarah was still on high alert and always looked over her shoulder. When she was walking to the kitchen he stopped her by grabbing her arm and turning her to face him. He wrapped his arms around her. "It is over Sarah. He is in jail. You are safe." He brushed a look of hair out of her face and leaned forward. He gently kissed her and when he responded he knew how deep the emotions were running. During the kiss he could feel her anxiety, her fear and her pain.

She had been in pain when she saw him again and that on top of everything else was almost two much for her. Harm let her get the emotions out and let her dominate the kiss, knowing that she needed it. A minute later he was glad that he had his arms securely wrapped around her when he felt his cheeks getting wet. She hid her face in his chest and clutched his shirt. He lightly kissed her head and tried to soothe her with his arms, when she suddenly shattered completely in his arms.

He carried her to the couch and sat down with her between his legs, with his back leaning against the arm rest. She sobbed out everything that was hurting and haunting her. When she had calmed down she slowly looked up at him and looked straight in his eyes. "Can you call my doctor tomorrow morning and tell her that I will have the operation." He kissed her forehead. "Sure. But what made you change your mind?" "I realized today that it could be even worse." He knew what she meant and was happy that she was getting help against the pain. She snuggled into his chest again and just enjoyed the security in his arms.