CHAPTER FOURTEEN– CALL OUT
EDWARD POV
The silence lingered in the air making only the bird's flying above us and the violence below the only thing that both Bella and I could hear. I didn't know how long the silence lasted for but it felt like a lifetime. I shouldn't have told her that, I was trying to leave her for fuck sake and telling her that I loved her was not the way to go about it.
"What?" She finally whispered.
"I, I, im sorry I should have said that" I stuttered.
"Edward"
"I need to go" I interrupted her.
I walked off back to my bike but she grabbed my arm and I stalled.
"Edward is it true" She whispered.
I shook my head and snatched my arm away. Bella didn't deserve my love, she deserves love from a person who is worthy of her, somebody who she can have a safe life with, somebody who leads a normal life outside of Forks.
"Does it matter" I snapped continuing to my bike.
"Don't walk away from me!" She screamed.
I froze again and turned around. I could almost taste the venom that rolled off her tongue and the tears of anger were back, why didn't she just understand that we couldn't be together?
"Tell me!" she growled.
"What?"
"Tell me!" She shouted again.
"What do you want to hear?" I snapped walking back to her.
"Do you want me to tell you how much I love you, to tell you that from the first moment I sin you I fell in love with you. That I memorised everything that you do, the way you look down as you speak, the way you bite your lip when you're nervous, the way your hair smells of fucking strawberries and the thought of another man taking my place right now is killing me" I Snarled.
I grabbed the top of her arms and she flinched as I began to shake her. I didn't realise it but for the first time in a decade I was in tears.
"The thought of another man holding you, kissing you and making love to you is unbearable to think about because it breaks my heart. That I envy every man outside of Forks right now because one of them will eventually be lucky enough to have you, to give you the happiness and security that I cannot" I trembled.
"What about me" she whispered.
She pushed at my arms and shoved me causing me to stumble backwards.
"What about what I think or how I feel?" She cried.
She was right I had been so selfish, to tell her that I loved her and know I was leaving her. How fucking selfish could I be, I wanted her to leave Forks and be away from all the hurt and here I was probably hurting her more than anybody else ever could. But still nothing could change the fact that I was a killer, I had enemies left right and centre and I couldn't watch anybody hurt her just to get to me.
"Bella I have killed people, I have done things that I am not proud of and things I am ashamed to admit, things that will stay with me for the rest of my life"
"I know you have had it hard and I know that your life hasn't being easy but I also know that you are a good person, and when I'm around you, you make me feel safe and happy."
And here she was again defending me after everything I have done wrong in my life and she stands there and takes it like it's a pat on the back.
"Do you think this is simple for me? Do you think there's an easy answer, I am a killer Bella and I don't deserve defending, I don't deserve pity and I don't deserve you or your love. You can never understand what I've done, I'm weak Bella I've never been anything else"
"Your weak, everybody's weak, everybody fails" she replied.
"Bella I am tiring to be strong for the both of us so please just this once, let me be strong, let me do the right thing"
"Strong is fighting, it's hard and it's painful and its every day but we can fight together"
"Bella I'm trying to do the right thing here, I don't want to hold you back. I want you to be free of this town and the people in it. You should be with somebody better than me, somebody who is going to be there for you every second of your life. This is my home and the Black Hearts are my family, I can't leave. There is no escape for me, but you, you have a chance to escape, to make something of yourself, to be with somebody who deserves you. Why can't you understand that? Why can't you see that?"
"Because I'm so in love with you too that I can't think straight" she whispered.
And there it was, the moment I have been waiting for, the moment my heart started beating again. She loved me as I did her. She was fighting for us and I was giving up on us.
"Edward I don't care, I don't care that people are after us and I don't care that you can't leave this place all I care about is you, I want to be with you and it doesn't matter that you killed people. All I want is for us to be together" She whispered.
"At what cost?" I asked "Your life, Bella I have too many enemies and if I have enemies then you have enemies. They will use you to get to me and I won't allow that and so help me god as long as I am alive you will never join us and become a Black Heart, ever!" I spat "I love you to damn much to let any of those fucks put their hands on you"
There was another silence as my words finally began to sink in.
"Is this it" She whispered.
She wasn't even looking at me anymore it was like she was staring at a blank wall. I wanted to wrap my arms around her, to tell her that I loved her and tell her that we would be together forever, but I couldn't see a way.
"Bella, if we were together then you would have to become a Black Heart and I can't" I paused and swallow the lump in my throat as I pictured her bloody, bruised and broken. "You would have to stay here in this fucked up town. You will have no hope and no future and eventually you will join the rest of us and become lonely, depressed, and violent and I can't bear to see you turn out like that. My soul and my life is damned and I won't let you become the same" I cried.
More tears rolled down my face covering the dry ones. She stood there motionless, the only things that moved where the tears that slid down her cheeks. This was it, the moment she died right in front of my eyes and it was all because of me. There wasn't anything left in her, I had truly made her see the truth. I took her hand into mine.
"Bella, you have become the centre of my universe within a short space of time. I have never loved anybody so much in my life" I said kissing her hand "And this is why I have to let you go." I finished dropping her hand.
"I love you so damn much its hurts and its killing me with every word I breathe to you. I'm so sorry for making you feel this way but I would rather you spend your whole life with someone else knowing that your safe and alive than possibly live a happy life with me for a few years, months or even days" I whispered.
"I want my life to be with you" she whispered.
I swallowed hard and choked back the last of my tears. I had to let her go to save her so I said two words which made my beating heart stop altogether.
"I don't"
As soon as the words left my mouth all the life and hope in me disappeared as it did in Bella's and we both had died that moment. She closed her eyes and choked back the last of her tears, then she collapsed to the floor. I wrapped my arms around her waist before she hit the ground and I fell to the floor with her.
"Bella!" I shouted.
I held her close to my chest and rocked back and forth with her.
"Oh god Bella, what the fuck have i done!"
I brushed her hair away from her face and kissed her forehead.
"Wake up love, please wake up, Fuck!"
I checked her pulse and relief washed over me as her heart was still beating, she was still breathing normally so what the fuck was wrong?
"Bella love can you hear me?"
She mumbled to herslef so I could only guess that she must have just fainted. I couldn't leave her here I had to make sure that she got home safe, but I didn't want to move. I wanted to stay here with her because this was the only time, the last time that I would ever hold her like this.
I sat there for ages listening to her mumbling and talking to herself, it was like she was having a restless sleep. I slowly rocked her and stole kisses from her. Kisses that were not meant for me, kisses that I had no right to take. I knelt up and scooped her up in my arms, I held her close to me as I walked her back out the tree line and to her house. I took little steps taking my time because I wanted to cherish every second I had left with her. I walked in and out the trees and stopped a few times when she whimpered in my arms but she soon settled down and nestled in my chest.
The trees parted and her house came into view. The living room curtains were drawn and the lights were dimmed inside. I walked across the driveway and ascended the steps. I carefully lowered myself to my knees and gently placed her on the porch.
"Forgive me" I whispered before closing my eyes and kissing her lips one last time.
I stood back up and pressed the doorbell before taking off down the steps. I bolted for the tree line and it wasn't until I disappeared in the shadows until I heard the front door open and Charlie's panicking voice. I ran as fast as I could back to the meadow, back to the place where I used to escape and now that place only left horrible memories. The once beautiful meadow was now tainted and left nothing but sadness and heartache. I slowed down and I turned around a few times and began walking back to her house but after a few seconds I would turn back around in the opposite direction.
Once back in the meadow I fell to my knees and sucked in all the air around me and let out an agonizing growl. The despair from my growl echoed around the meadow and into nothing. I Bent over and began pulling at my hair.
Had I made the right decision? Was all what was running through my mind. Should I turn back and beg for forgiveness? Should I tell her that I only lied to protect her, to protect her from this town and from myself? Was me wanting her to have a better life and to be with somebody who deserved her so wrong? Was I in the wrong here? Had I broken my heart along with hers all because I was being selfish again?
My mind was so confused right now I didn't know what the fuck I was doing anymore. After one last growl I jumped to my feet and walked to my bike. I pulled it off the floor and revved it up, I climbed on it and as I sat there for a moment and the thought of driving it right over the cliff floated in my mind because of I was feeling right now I wanted to die, but that would have been too easy. I was strong enough to leave the woman I loved so I was strong enough to live with this constant pain and ach in my chest for the rest of my life. I would have to live with the regret and the thought of what if I had made the wrong decision devour me every second of my life. I would rather Bella take the pleasure of killing me slowly as she stood over me and dug my heart out with a shovel than kill myself. I wiped the last of my tears away with the back of my hand and revved my bike up then took off out the meadow and back home.
It took me over thirty minutes to get home because I must have done less than 30mph. I didn't even remember leaving the meadow, the journey home or even pulling up to my house, I was like a zombie. I parked my bike outside next to Emmett's jeep and I climbed off the bike. I dragged my feet up the path and into my house.
"Where the fuck have you been" Emmett roared in the living room.
He was sitting down on the sofa next to Jasper, both chugging a bottle of beer back.
"I'm sorry I didn't know I had a fucking curfew" I spat walking into the living room.
"You look like shit" Jasper said.
I probably did, I haven't even looked at myself during the whole course of today. I swiped a bottle off the side and used my teeth to pry the metal cap off the bottle. I spat the cap onto the floor and chugged the beer back letting the fizzy bitter liquid slide down my throat. I finished it within seconds and placed the empty bottle on the table and swiped another one.
"Bad day" Emmett smirked.
"You have no idea" I said before tearing the cap off with my teeth again.
"Dude where was you in school today?" Emmett asked.
I sat down on the free sofa and balanced my leg on the top of my other one. I took a slip this time and swung the bottle back and forth with my fingers.
"Nowhere" I lied.
Before Emmett could push me any further Jasper burst into laughter.
"What's up with you" Emmett asked him.
"I'm just remembering the look on James's face at lunch today"
"Oh yeah" Emmett howled with laughter.
"Why what happened?" I asked taking another sip of beer.
"Don't play stupid" Jasper laughed.
"What" I glared.
"He found out that you did a number on Jacob and let me tell you he wasn't pleased" Jasper laughed again.
Oh fuck I forgot all about that shit this morning with Jacob.
"What the fuck did he do to piss you off so bad" Emmett smirked.
Was this going to be the rest of my life from now on, getting reminded of my Bella? I rolled my eyes and huffed. She not my fucking Bella. I grunted in my head.
"That fucker deserved everything he got" I spat.
"Too true" Emmett agreed "But you do know that James has made call out now don't you?"
I groaned and rubbed my eyes with my free hand. Great now James has made a call out and we all had to go and fight to the death all because I beat his fucking boyfriend up, as if my life couldn't get any more fucking shitter.
"Fuck off I only beat the fucker up?"
Emmett and Jasper paused and gave each other confusing looks. What the fuck was I missing here?
"What?" I asked.
"Dude you did more than just beat him up?" Emmett said.
"What do you mean?" I asked again.
"Dude his dead" Emmett informed me.
What? I didn't beat him up that bad. He was in hospital the last time I heard.
"I don't understand" I said shaking my head.
"Yeah he died in hospital, his throat was slashed all the way open, I thought you knew beings as you did it" Emmett smirked.
"What the fuck, I didn't do that!" I snapped.
"Ok" Emmett and Jasper shared the same confusing looks again.
"I didn't fucking kill him, yeah I beat him up and put him in the hospital but I didn't fucking slit his throat" I defended myself.
"Well regardless if you did it or not James has made a call out because of it" Emmett said.
I groaned inwards and huffed out loud, Jacob had a lot of enemies including myself so it could have been anybody who had killed him. Fuck sake it could have been one of his own men for all I knew.
"Where?" I asked.
"Tomorrow at noon, in the junk yard" Emmett informed me.
"It's a good thing school got cancelled for the rest of the week" Jasper grinned.
"I know yeah, I wonder why" Emmett replied "Oh well no school" He boomed.
I rolled my eyes and chugged the last of my beer back.
"See you girls later" Jasper said standing up.
"Where you going?" Emmett asked.
"Going to hang out with the guys in the park" He informed us.
"Be careful" I perked up.
He laughed and stumbled to the door.
"Careful" He mocked walking out.
"So where have you been hiding all day?" Emmett asked.
"I told you I was out"
"I know that you sarcastic prick, but out where?"
"Just out man, what's with all the fucking questions?" I snapped.
He held his hands out in defence.
"Look man, you just look like you could use someone to talk to that's all"
"Well thank you for your concern but if I wanted to talk to anybody ill give Dr Phil or fucking Oprah a call" I spat.
"Whoa, calm down man I was only saying, fuck me!" He glared back.
I shouldn't have been snappy with him it wasn't his fault but none of this was his fucking business.
"I'm sorry mate it's just" I paused and put my beer on the table. "I'm just having one of those days"
"It's alright Cuz, you want to talk about it?"
"No" I said shaking my head.
"Do you want to get the fuck out of here?"
"Sounds like a plan" I said standing up. "What you got in mind?"
"Want to shoot some hoops?"
I haven't had a game of basketball in a while and I think the fresh air would do me some good.
"Why not" I huffed.
I started walking through the kitchen and out the back yard.
"Don't you want to take the car?"
"No, I could use the air" I replied.
The basketball court wasn't far from my house and it would do me some good to stretch my legs. We walked through my yard and hopped over the broken fence. We continued down an ally way and climbed over a metal railing that divided the ally way to another street. We made small talk as we continued up the road and hopped over another fence. We walked down a long tunnel and walked in-between the train tracks. Not a single train came through here anymore so we didn't have to worry about getting electrocuted. At the other side of the train tracks was the basket ball court and I could already see that there were a few Black Hearts there already. Some were just sitting in the corner of the court talking amongst themselves while others were playing basketball and a few more talked on a bench.
"Yo yo yo" Emmett said walking up to them.
I walked around the chain linked fence and came to a halt by a few members who were passing an old ball to each other.
"Emmett" Jim shouted grabbing his hand and pulling him in then patting him on the back.
"Edward" he nodded and I nodded back. "Nice to see you're out of prison"
"Seems like I should have stayed in" I grunted.
I have always liked Jim, he is one of the only people who hasn't let being in a gang go to his head. He truly was one of the nicest people you could meet and I'm glad after all this time he was still the same.
"Riley" Jim shouted to a small kid.
The boy named Riley came running over and stopped in front of me.
"Riley, meet the former leader of the black hearts" Jim said with a smile.
"Pleasure to meet you Sir" Riley said sticking his hand out towards me.
I shook it and nodded. I knew nearly everybody's name from the gang but I've never seen this Riley before, he only looked fucking twelve years old.
"How old are you?" I asked letting his hand go
"16 Sir" he smiled.
Fuck me! I laughed in my head.
"Riley's one of the newbie's, he joined about a month ago" Jim informed me.
"Ok and the names Edward not Sir" I smirked.
"Ok Sir, I mean Edward" Riley smiled back.
"So you guys up for a game?" Jim asked.
"Yeah" Emmett roared "Let me show you girls how to actually play" He said taking the ball from Jim.
We split up into two teams with Emmett and Jim on one side and Riley and me on the other. We played a few games which latest a while even though Emmett was bigger and stronger than me I was faster. I didn't even know how long we were playing for but the sun had gone down a while ago. Being with the guys was just what I needed, it took my mind off a loads of things but I must admit not once did Bella go out of my mind. I kept thinking what she was doing right now? Probably reading a book or cooking dinner or maybe crying herself to sleep because of me. Had she stopped crying yet? With every second that I kept away from her was she hating me more and more? Was she thinking of me too? I wonder if...
Just then the ball bounced off the top of my head. I snapped out of it and was met by Emmett.
"What the fuck man, are you sleep walking or something?"
"Sorry" I shook my head and retrieved the ball.
Stupid thoughts, stupid Emmett, stupid ball. I wonder if Bella liked basketball. I growled out loud and threw the ball back to Emmett.
"Alright chill, it's only a ball" Emmett sarcastically laughed.
"Fuck you!" I spat.
Would this get any easier, would Bella eventually fade from my mind and I wouldn't try to imagine or fantasise about her anymore. I think not!
"Fuck sake!" I growled.
I didn't care what the others thought about my sudden outburst I probably looked like a fucking lunatic for all I knew but I didn't care most of them thought I was just reacting to the game anyway. How the fuck could one person have this much power, control and influence over me. She had casted a spell over me and no matter how hard I tried I couldn't break it. I craved her, her voice, her touch, for fuck sake I craved everything. It's only been a few hours after I left her and already I'm considering running back to her so I had to remind myself why I did what I did in the first place.
The pain in my heart only intensified and the guilt sat right on the top of my shoulders because if this pain was anything like what Bella was feeling then all I wanted to do was kill myself for letting her suffer this pain.
"Time out" Emmett shouted.
I walked over to the bench that was now free and sat down on the top of it. Jim gave Emmett a bottle of water as I lit up a smoke. Emmet ran over to me and passed me the bottle then I took a sip.
"Thanks" I said handing it back to him.
I offered him a smoke and he took one too eagerly.
"Oh before I forget were having a meeting at 9 in the morning. Tyler's got this new shipment in and he wants us all to gear up for the Razor Heads tomorrow"
By shipment he means guns, weapons and armour.
"Fine" I huffed and inhaled from my smoke.
"I can't wait to fucking get my hands on some of those Razor Heads" Emmett grinned clapping his hands together.
"Can you do me a favour?" I asked.
"Yeah Cuz what is it?"
"Can you look out for Jasper tomorrow and make sure that little fuck doesn't get himself hurt" I smirked.
"As always, his my little Cuz, I wont let anything happen to him" he smirked back.
"Thanks" I said inhaling some more smoke again.
"Rose is joining us next week" He perked up.
"Who's Rose?"
"My girlfriend, you know the girl from school, yay high, blonde hair"
"Oh"
"She's finally decided to join" He smirked.
Why the fuck was he smirking for, did he not care about her? Did he not care that his girlfriend was going to get beat up just so she could be with him? I felt fucking sick because if she loved him enough to join just for him then obviously he didn't love her enough to stop her from joining.
"You're sick" I spat
"What do you mean?"
"Do you love her?" I asked.
"Yes"
"Then why the fuck are you letting her join for?" I spat.
"Dude I want to be with her and she wants to be with me, it's compulsory to join you know that"
"Yeah I do and I also know that you must not really love her if you're letting her join"
"What?" He spat all laughter gone.
I jumped down off the table and growled inwards.
"If you love her than you wouldn't let her join and become one of us, can you actually stand there and watch all your so called family beat the shit out of her" I spat.
"Of course not!" he growled standing up "Of course it's going to be difficult for me to watch but think about what's at the end of it all"
"At the end of it you will have a girlfriend that's bruised, battered and broken and that's only if she even survives you dumb shit" I snapped.
"Edward, we have both talked about this and this is what Rose wants. I've told her all this but she still wants to be with me regardless and I'm not going to stand in the way of what she wants because I make her happy"
I didn't know what to say to that, Emmett and I had completely different views altogether. Deep down I wanted Bella to join and that's what scared me, I wanted her to join because I wanted her to stay with me. I wanted her to be mine forever but one the other hand I didn't want her to join because I didn't want to take away her chances of a normal life. I didn't want her life and soul to be corrupted by this town and the people in it. Emmett was in the same predicament as I was but his letting Rose join because it's what she wanted and he wanted to make her happy. Who was the selfish one here me or Emmett? Was I being selfish not giving Bella a choice in this, not letting her be happy for not being with me or was Emmett being selfish by letting Rose join us because it would make him happy.
"Edward the point is, I do love Rose and Rose loves me. It will be hard for me to see her get hurt but this is what she wants. She's doing this because she loves me and to show her that I love her back I'm making her happy by sticking by her decision and being there for her afterwards."
"I can't say I agree but good luck to you" I hissed.
"Edward you have nothing to worry about, she will be fine. I mean in a town like this miracles don't just happen, people don't just walk in and surprise you but on the slight chance they ever they do you need to grab hold of them and don't fucking let go. Rose came into my life and changed me, she is everything I have ever wanted. Of all the girls I have ever been with all of them put together doesn't even compare to rose. I mean by some miracle she just happened to just walk into my life and it was up to me to grab hold of her and never let her go because in the blink of an eye she would be gone. Rose is my life so what would be the point without her"
In some strange way it was as if he was talking about me and Bella. He was right about one thing Bella was my miracle and she just happened to come to this town and I just happened to fall for her. Was it faith for her to come here? I remember the first day I sin her, out of all the chairs that were free in biology I just happened to sit down in the one next to her. My mind was going into overdrive I didn't know what the fuck to think anymore. I had a full blow argument in my head as two Edwards battled against each other.
Should I be selfish and grab hold of her like Emmett put it? Should I let her join us so I could keep her? She would be mine and I would be hers. I so fucking badly wanted to see her, to talk to her, to kiss her, hold her and keep her forever in my arms. But what could I do? I couldn't and wouldn't stand by and let anybody hurt her, even if she survived the Rave, then what? We would be together but for how long? What if a call out was made and she died in a battle? I could not and would not live with myself if anything happened to her all because I wanted her to be with me. So the answer was no, she couldn't join us.
Was there a possibility I could join her? I knew I couldn't leave the Black Hearts willingly so I would have to leave on the quiet. We could leave Forks and runaway together? Nobody from the black hearts would come looking for us because the furthest anybody really goes is Port Angeles or maybe Seattle on the odd occasion. I started too really like this idea but then the thought of Jasper brought depression once again. I couldn't leave him here apart from Emmett I was the only family he had because my mother was so fucking useless. I knew Jasper would never leave this place because he thinks this place is like fucking Disney land. And the other thing was that I was still on parole for another three months so until then I couldn't leave anyway.
I pulled at my hair and groaned inwards.
"Fuck!" I shouted.
Why couldn't things just be simple? Why wasn't I allowed a break for once in my fucking life? I knew I didn't deserve it after everything I done but still how I wished that something would happen, anything would happen just to make this decision seems easier to make.
"Jim, phone call" the girl I think was called Sophie said passing him her cell phone.
"Dude just go and see her" Emmett smirked.
Wait what? See who? Did he know something?
"What you talking about?" I asked.
"You know what I'm talking about" He smirked walking off.
Oh my god he knew! Did I have I love Bella tattooed on my forehead that I didn't know about? Was it that fucking obvious? After all my debating, after all my thoughts and arguments one thing was still perfectly clear, I missed her and I wanted her in every possible way now more than ever. I was strong enough to leave her but I am not strong enough to stay away from her. I needed to talk to her, to see her, I needed to feel and taste her lips again and I needed to feel the warmth of her skin against mine.
What the fuck was I doing? Emmett had been right all along. Bella was everything to me, she was my whole fucking life so without Bella what was the point? I could die tomorrow in the battle and I would never get to see her again, never get the chance to tell her that I love her and never get the chance to say sorry. Before I knew what was happening my legs were already ahead of me. Fuck, fuck, fuck fuck! I chanted in my head. I couldn't stop myself as I took off running.
"Edward!" Emmett shouted after me.
I couldn't stop, I didn't want to stop I had to see her. I would beg for forgiveness, I would tell her how much I loved her and that I lied to protect her. Nothing mattered anymore the gang didn't matter, the town didn't matter, my parole didn't matter fuck sake nothing mattered anymore, nothing but my Bella mattered now.
I didn't allow myself to think about the consequences because for all I know I could die tomorrow and if I did I wanted to spend my last day with the person I loved, the one person who I nearly fucking lost. Bella was my everything if I wasn't with her then what was the point of living. I ran that fast my legs didn't feel like my own. I jumped fences in a single bound and headed straight home.
"I'm coming Bella" I chanted over and over again as I ran.