Mario woke up with a killer headache and bile in his throat, surrounded by cigarette ash and empty bottles. "Mamma mia," he groaned. He looked to his right to see his paramour, Saul Goodman, still sound asleep. Mario, holding back vomit, let out a warm smile and gave him a gentle kiss on his forehead and got out of bed.

Groggy and slightly stumbling, he made his way to his dresser, where he pulled out one of his many blue overalls and red shirt. After getting dressed, he sat down on his bed and let out a sigh. He checked his phone to see 102 texts and 34 missed calls from Peach. He put his phone back in his pocket. He checked his wallet to see it was completely empty except for his ID and his mushroom debit card. "How am I-a gonna explain-a this one," he wondered out loud.

"What was that, honey?" a voice peeped out from next to him.

"Oh-a nothing, go back-a to sleep, dear."

Mario closed his eyes and tried to forget last night.

24 Hours Earlier…

Tonight was the big night, where all caution and self-respect was thrown to the wind. Tonight was the night where boys would become men, saints would become sinners, and strangers would become lovers. New Years' Eve was the only thing on anyone's mind in Smash Mansion. Not least of all, Luigi's.

Luigi, despite living most of his years in lust, had never kissed anyone, save for his dog when he was four. And that was only once. Tonight, that was going to change.

After getting ready for the day, Luigi skipped merrily over to his brother's room down the hall and knocked on his door. "Just-a a minute!" he heard through the door. As Luigi waited patiently, Steve from Minecraft came down the hall. "Hello, Luigi!" he greeted, as he passed by. "Hello, Steve from Minecraft," he replied.

"Excited for tonight?" Steve from Minecraft asked.

"You betcha! This is-a gonna be Year of the Luigi!"

Steve from Minecraft shot him some finger guns, but without fingers, Luigi had no idea what he was doing, but he was gone before he could ask. Just as Steve from Minecraft left, Mario opened the door.

"A-brother, your-a eyes! They aren't-a looking too good."

Mario, his eyes bloodshot, just stared at his brother. After clearing his throat, Luigi continued.

"Anyways, are you-a excited for tonight?" the green plumber asked, perkily.

"Yeah, it-a should be fun," replied Mario monotonically.

"I was-a thinking," Luigi started before looking away and poking his fingers together, "that I should-a invite this person I've-a been talking to on Bumble to tonight's-a party. Do you-a think that that'd be okay?"

At that, Mario perked up. His brother? Spitting game? To say he was shocked would be an understatement.

"And-a who is this lucky person?" he replied.

"His name is-a Saul. He's a lawyer!"

A lawyer? thought Mario. "Well-a that depends. Can he-a hang?"

At that, Luigi nodded empathetically. "Yes, yes! I'm-a sure he can hang. He's told about all the-a wild parties he's-a gone to."

Mario let out a slight smirk. It was nice seeing his brother excited. "Of course you can invite him then, brother. Just-a tell him to be here at 8."

Luigi pumped his fist and jumped for joy. "Wahoo!" he exclaimed.

"Is that-a all, Luigi?"

"Yes!" Luigi said as he hugged his brother. "See you later!" he remarked as he ran off to prepare himself for the night.

A lawyer… Mario thought to himself before returning to his room, closing the door behind him.

Elsewhere, Link was frantically rummaging through his drawers. "Where is it? Where it iiiiit!" he kept saying. Zelda, still in bed, muttered, "I'm sure it's around here somewhere, love. Do you really need it right now?"

"No," Link said, without stopping what he was doing, "but if I don't find this Ocarina by tonight, we're going to have to borrow someone else's pipe and you know that it won't hit as well."

At that, he wasn't wrong. The Ocarina of Time, along with being able to transport its user to different timelines, also packed a powerful punch when stuffed with Hyrulian kush. Zelda, still not feeling the urgency of Link's dilemma, told him that it would show up eventually and told him to get back in bed. Link, despite being a stoner, was first a lover, and obeyed.

"I just hope we don't have to use Olimar's shit. I don't care what he says about them being okay with it, I don't feel comfortable smoking Pikmins," the elf-eared warrior stated. "And don't even get me started on Donkey's and Diddy's banana bong. I still don't think I've quite got the taste out of my mouth."

Zelda turned and wrapped her arms around him. "Don't think about that, I'm sure we'll find it." After a pause, she continued, "Anyway, I got an idea that might get your mind off of that. I was thinking of going as Sheik tonight…"

At that, Link's eyes slowly widened and a huge grin crept along his face. "Oh baby, you spoil me," and with that he gave her a big kiss. Link felt like the luckiest man in the world and in that moment, he forgot all about his Ocarina and where it might be.

On the other side of the mansion, Wario took Pit to his room. "Now, look at this!" Wario exclaimed as he pulled a blue device from his pocket. Pit looked at him trying to look shocked, but was mainly confused. "Oh wow! Look at that!" There was a pause. "Uh, what is that?"

Wario gave him a look and continued, "What is this? Oh, nothing, but the best pipe in miles! I nicked it off Link last night when he was busy swinging at chickens."

Pit was very anxious about doing anything wrong, even if only by proxy. Not wanting to show his anxiety and risk social polarization, sheepishly told Wario, "Oh. M-maybe you should give it back. S-stealing is wrong." At that, Wario led out a heavy laugh and an onion fell out of his pocket and rolled under his bed. "Oops," he said, grabbing another one from his other pocket. Through bites, he responded, "You say that now, but you'll thank me later tonight when we hit this shit. It's otherworldly, trust me." He let out a fart. "You're not gonna go telling anyone about this, are you?" He then shot Pit a deathly serious look. The brown-haired boy was not comfortable with confrontation, which is part of the reason Wario loved hanging out with him, so he responded with a gulp and an "Of course not!"

"Good!" Wario exclaimed, "Now help me go find that onion."

Mario sat alone in his room and drew another cigarette. His phone went off. Sighing and closing his eyes, he let it ring. After the fourth ring, he exhaled and picked it up. "Hey-a Peach, how's it-a going?"

"Mario," the voice on the other side sang, "are you excited for tonight?"

Mario, his head somewhere else, replied absentmindedly, "What-a do you mean?"

"Are you excited for the New Years' party tonight, you big silly," Peach said with a giggle. "I was thinking of making little pastries for it and I need your help."

"Oh yeah, sure, I'll-a be right down."

"See you soon," the princess said in a sing-song voice.

Mario was the first to hang up. Fuck-a me, he thought, as he put out his cigarette. He made his way to his minibar and poured himself a shot of rum. He shot it back and poured another. It was going to be a long day.

Mario made his way down to the kitchen where Peach was already getting started, with bowls and flour all over the counter. "Hey honey," Peach said sweetly, "I sent Zelda and Link to the store to get some blueberries for the pie I'm making along with getting some snacks for tonight. Aren't those two just the cutest," she said with a squeal.

"Yeah, the cutest," Mario replied dryly. Peach let out a sniff and could smell the rum from across the kitchen. "You haven't been drinking again, have you Mario?" Before he could reply, Roy found his way into the kitchen. "What's up losers," he started before smelling the air. "Wow, Peach now what are you making? And more importantly, can I have some?"

Peach giggled, "Not until tonight, mister." Roy let out an exaggerated sulk, but knew the wait was worth it. "Ah shucks. Well, anyway, Mario, some of the boys and I were going to head out to the store to pick up some drinks for tonight. You wanna come?"

"Sorry, I'm-a helping Peach. You-a go on without me."

"Oh, don't be silly, go pick up some drinks with your friends. I think Kirby is up anyway, and I'm sure he'd love to help."

And with that, Mario was in the car with Roy, Ike, and David Bowie. Mario had his head rested against the window as Roy was playing his J-Pop. "Oh guys, guys listen to this part," Roy said as the beat began to swell. "I rather like rock music," David Bowie said Britishly. Roy shushed him and started thrashing his head as the beat dropped. "Roy, I think you're the only one of us who likes this stuff," Ike complained. Roy, obviously offended, retorted, "Well we can listen to your shitty music when you're the one driving." At that, Ike backed off and stayed silent.

Mario kept thinking about what Luigi had said. Luigi…with a lawyer? he thought. He just couldn't see it. In fact, he couldn't see Luigi with anyone. He had always been too scared to ask Daisy out all throughout their childhood, despite Mario and Peach telling him many, many times that she was so obviously into him. And Daisy was a sweet girl. How did Luigi get the confidence to ask out a lawyer? Mario tried to remember the name Luigi gave. Sam? Simon? He couldn't remember. Mario was taken out of his train of thought when he heard Roy say, "All right guys, we're here."

"All right," Ike replied. "Roy, stay with the car, just in case they check IDs in there." Roy pouted, but knew his fake wasn't fooling anyone. Nobody would give him the money, nor the contacts for a fake so he tried to make one with Pit. Roy is adamant that it would be totally passable if Pit didn't add glitter, but he never tried to make another.

David Bowie and Ike stepped out of the car and Mario lagged behind. The pair slowed down so Mario could catch up. "I didn't want to mention it in front of the kid," David started, "but you reek of cigarettes and it's only 9 A.M., mate. You alright?" Mario saw the concerned look from his friends, but couldn't drop his ego. "Thanks, but I-a think the smell is just-a from last night. I'm-a alright. Wahoo!" he said. David Bowie and Ike exchanged looks, but didn't say anything.

The trio made their way into the liquor store and stocked up on alcohol. Smash Mansion was expected to be packed tonight and they didn't want to risk running dry. And it wasn't like they couldn't afford it. David Bowie had just released his seminal concept album, Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars, and was anything but greedy with his earnings.

Roy was astonished by how much alcohol they had brought back to the car, but Ike reminded him that he had never been to a party before, much less a Smash Mansion party, and had no idea how many alcoholics they lived with.

The four made their way back, laughing and having a good time, but Mario was still stuck thinking about his brother and the lawyer.