Disclaimer and Warning!
The following one-shot/self-insert fanfiction contains a personal opinion of mine regarding Conker, if you readers like Conker the Squirrel, more power to you, I personally don't like him — well, that is to say I don't like what he is as seen in Conker's Bad Fur Day.
Everything you'll see and read here is from my personal opinion about the character (plus a few facts) and as with all my stories, this one contains my right of First Amendment to US Constitution (Freedom of Speech).
As such, don't take this story seriously, I just don't like the red-furred squirrel's CBFD self — that said, Conker is owned and copyrighted by Rareware, and thanks for respecting my personal opinion towards the once beloved mascot from the same company.
Also, my rant towards him is based off Glenn Quagmire's own rant towards Brian Griffin from the Family Guy episode "Jerome is the New Black" (Season 8 – Episode 7), all three elements of which are owned and copyrighted by Seth MacFarlane.
With all of that in mind, do not attempt to try and change my mind in any shape or form about Conker's Bad Fur Day, your efforts will be in vain.
While I do appreciate certain things about the game: such as it doing movie parodies in the story, as well as some select tracks from its soundtrack, some humor; overall, when all is said and done, I (much like YouTube users superflipper76 and Torri 800) find the game extremely overrated, just like the Twilight franchise, Marvel Comics' very own Wade Wilson/Deadpool, or even the likes of South Park.
That said, enjoy the story…