The day that I gave Conker a piece of my mind
by
M. R. Parkerson
"Assuredly, the evil man will not go unpunished, but the descendants of the righteous will be delivered."
-
Proverbs 11:21
It's funny. I can look back on a life of achievement, on challenges met, competitors bested, obstacles overcome.*1 I can also easily say that I'm mild mannered and an all-around good person: I have both friends and family who love me for who I am and I them.
I'm happy to admit that I have had my share of pop culture trends I love and adore, others however, not so much — today's discussion of something pop culture related falls into the latter category.
I've accomplished more like most men or women, and without*1 the need of having to lose my temper, except on rare occasions. Until a few days ago, when that challenge proved to be easier said than done.
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Having first appeared as one of two racers who would get their own game series as seen in Diddy Kong Racing*2 for the N64 (the other being Banjo the Bear*3), Conker the Squirrel started as a seemingly kind and sincere mascot for Rareware's ever evolving character roster. But that was not to be the case for long — after going under two overhaul redesigns, Conker's eventual first big 3D platforming game, or Conker's Bad Fur Day was released in 2001 to praise from gamers, but overall genuine concern from parents, and by today's standards, fans either like or not at all, I'm more in the latter field.
And while I've never personally played Bad Fur Day, I think it's safe to say after watching several reviews that tear it apart, as well as seeing an overall longplay video of the game from start to finish, I have no interest in finding and acquiring a copy of the game.
That said, you might all be wondering then why am I even talking about the game despite the fact I never played it.
Simple, today's fanfiction story is a one-shot/self-insert where I give the red-furred squirrel a piece of my mind and criticize him for ruining everything that Rareware had become afterwards. Luckily, in recent times, I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one who feels this way about Chris Seavor's anthropomorphic reincarnation of himself.
Understand, I don't hate Mr. Seavor as a person, I just have a huge disliking towards Conker, or rather who he became after Diddy Kong Racing as seen in his Bad Fur Day iteration, that's all.
Let's begin my story…
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My story began a week ago on a warm and golden sunshine filled day as I had just wrapped up having some interviews with Mario, Luigi and the rest of the gang as to what they thought of the brand new animated movie that was coming out soon. Their responses, I'm proud to say, was nothing short of warmth and sincerity above all else.
However, what happened next, I didn't count on — a day later, I soon discovered an invitation which saw me being invited to what was to be a "definite" good time on seeing the premiere of the new Mario movie.
Safe to say, I was excited. But my excitement died down when I got in the limo and saw not Mario plus his companions, but rather the red-furred squirrel himself.
"Conker?" I asked in shock. "Where are Mario and the others?"
"Well, they're not coming," replied the rodent. "I wrote you that invitation, because I knew you'd never come if it was me. But I planned a big night and we're gonna have a great time."
Great time with you? I thought to myself.
"Look, Conker," I said to the squirrel while trying to stay calm, "it's not that I don't appreciate the offer, but maybe another time."
But whatever I told the infamous rodent wound up going in one ear and out the other, it's like he practically ignored what I said.
"Aw, come on, it'll be great. Listen, Max, I… I want us to be friends, let alone have you be a fan of me. I think we could be an even better team than those two plumbers."
"Well, I supposed it couldn't hurt just this once." I shrugged with a sigh.
"Great," the Cockney-accented sciuridae*4 said in delight. "This is going to be fun! Just the two of us having lunch and nothing more."
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A little while later, we arrived at Conker's favorite pub and I won't dare say its name, as I'm trying to keep this story as G or PG as possible… but for those of you who have played the game, know of the game or just happen to have the internet should know its name by now.
That said, for those of you who don't know the name, I'll give you a hint: it rhymes with The Sock and Trucker.*5
At our table, we sat down and had two different meals and drinks: I had a glass of chardonnay to drink and a cheeseburger as my main course, while Conker had, of course, a glass of beer and a plate of fish and chips to eat.
His glass had been emptied several times, implying that this was not his first glass. If anything, this was probably by now his 5th or 6th glass. How little one red-furred squirrel could not hold his alcohol, I'll never know… then again, I don't think I want to know — especially seeing as that was what caused him to have his downfall and the events of his life spiral to spiral out of control in the first place as seen in BFD.
"So…" he said after a brief pause and started chuckling. "Whose do you have to ask to get another beer around here?"
I said nothing and just shrugged, eating my meal.
Conker then examined one of the food utensils in curiosity.
"Look at the size of these steak knives!" he claimed in what I assume was the alcohol talking, either that, him attempting to be funny; and not Robin Williams*6 funny, mind you — more along the lines of South Park*6 funny, which I do not find funny at all. "Wha… What are they serving us, wooly mammoth?"
"Doubt it." I said nonchalantly.
Grabbing a bottle of ketchup, the Cockney-accented sciuridae started horsing around by pretending to drink it like a can of tomato juice. Again, I don't know why, but I think it was the booze talking and the guy who invited me to the luncheon.
"Hey, what if I just drank this whole bottle of ketchup?" I raised an eyebrow. "Can you imagine? You dare me?"
"That'd kind of ruin it for the next person who might want some ketchup." I said with seriousness in my voice, unlike Conker, I was sober.
There was a long pause, I'd hope that the squirrel would shut up by now, but he didn't.
"So, how's the financial business?" he inquired.
"It's great." I answered, hoping that he would go away as I was feeling uncomfortable more and more every second of his alcohol stained breath close to my face. "Business is booming, lot of new hires, lot of stuff to do… all that jazz."
"Yeah?" he nodded.
That's pretty much it." I said with a shrug. "I mean, you want to learn more, ask Banjo or something, I… I don't know."
"Boy, that's got to be an interesting job," Conker said, hoping to get a better understanding. But as I said before, I'm sure everything he said was from his drunken state. "I'll bet you get… how does that work?"
"What, finance?" I asked with visible irritation on my face. "How does finance work?"
"Yeah," the squirrel nodded with interest.
"You want me to sit here and explain to you how finance works?"
"I don't know, yeah."
On the one hand, I was prepared to tell Conker that my position was different than most of my friends and colleagues — on the other hand, I was not willing to dive into anything too foolish. Knowing him, he'd probably try and pull a heist of some sort, just like towards the end of his game, which referenced the scene from The Matrix. I decided in the end, I will not tell him anything.
"You want to maybe just go lie down?" I asked him, hoping once his drunken state was gone we could talk more properly like civilized beings.
"Max, come on, I'm really trying hard here," the sciuridae panicked.
"Who asked you to try hard?" I asked, beginning to get annoyed by the squirrel's unruly behavior and frankly nauseating drunken stupor.
"Nobody." He answered truthfully. "But all—" He hiccupped. "I'm trying to establish a friendship with you, let alone hope you'll be a fan of me."
Trying too hard, more like it, I thought to myself.
"All I've done is try to be nice to you and you still don't like me. How can you not like me?" asked Conker. "I mean, outside of my game not appealing to you."
It was in that exact moment, something inside of me snapped: if I were to proclaim my case to Conker on why he was such a pompous and arrogant pop culture icon who was a former image of his good self from years ago, let alone one video game mascot that did not deserve his fame*7, it was now or never and there would be no going back.
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After taking several inhales and exhales, I laid down my long case in front of the Cockney-accented sciuridae.
"Okay, I'll tell you…" as I spoke, I raised a finger each time to point out my points towards him. "You are one of the worst pop culture icons that I know."*7 One finger. "You constantly hit on other girls that weren't your own." Two fingers. "Rareware gave you an overhaul treatment, and this is how you repay them?" Three fingers. "And what really bothers me is you think to yourself that you're this deep guy who loved your girl Berri for her soul, when in reality you loved her for her body." Four fingers, "Adding to that, she was a Lola Bunny ripoff." Five fingers. "And I'm not certain, but I think regarding your lady, you may or may not have had an abusive relationship with."*8
The red-furred squirrel raised an eyebrow, "What's wrong with that?"
"In the first place, Berri wasn't a Space Jam Lola ripoff, she was just as bad as The Looney Tunes Show version Lola. But enough about that, back to you…" I pointed a finger at the Rareware mascot. "Your supposed "relationship" with Berri, were it indeed abusive, would have gotten you in trouble from the law for domestic violence." I then explained how dating worked on my part. "Yeah, I date women to have a good time, hopefully see them again, and at least I'm honest about it." Conker nodded. "I don't buy them a copy of Ted Bundy: Conversations with a Killer and then lecture them with some seventh grade interpretation of how Ted Bundy was some profound intellectual."*9
"He was indeed," the rodent said beaming with pride.
I nodded back in return, "Yes, but don't forget, he was also a notorious mass murder! And that's why you like him so much… he's you! My word, you're so pretentious!" Now whether or not he knew that himself, the rodent had to look inside himself. "And you delude yourself by thinking you're some great video game hero, even though you're terrible!"
Trying to voice his opinion, he said "Well, I…"
"You know, I should have known Mario*10 didn't write me that note. He would have known there's no "a" in the word "definite". Not to mention you forged his signature, that's another crime…" I raised one finger. "And I think that what I'm most disgusted about you is the fact how you give all other fictional squirrels a bad name. Just to name a few: Sandy Cheeks, Rocky, Slappy Squirrel, her nephew Skippy, heck, even Secret Squirrel are all better squirrels than you. And let's not forget the likes of Alvin and his brothers, Chip and Dale, The Chipettes or even Sally Acorn."*11
"I suppose."
"And what have you done to continue your career? Oh, right… you haven't done anything, because your franchise is as stale as Sonic '06 and Sonic Boom."*12
"Well, I got some ideas for Rareware," the drunken squirrel said, clearly lying his teeth off.
"I'm sure you do." I said with heavy sarcasm and resumed counting of his crimes. "But anyway, you robbed a few catfish and some bees out of their money, which isn't nearly as bad as your failure as a mother!" Two fingers. "How's that son of yours you never see?" Before he could answer, I cut Conker off. "Oh, that's right! You don't see him anymore! And you know why? It's because you sacrificed him by murdering him in the Uga Buga level, that's a crime which I'm pretty sure would get you arrested in real life!" Three fingers. "Also, despite the fact your game was well-praised years ago and you're not doing any better these days, your game is what killed Rareware and all hope on you getting better as a video game icon."
Annoyed, he asked, "You done?"
To which, I shook my head.
"Not quite. There's one last thing that needs to be addressed…"
It was quite clear this last thing I really wanted to get off of my chest right from the get go, it was time to finish this conversation as the so-called "mascot" frowned.
"What's that? Tell me, I dare you." He hiccupped. "I double dare you!"
"Your worst crime ever?" I asked. "For all the "fun" you had in your so-called "adventure" when you asked the programmer who unfroze the lock up in your game and helped you defeat the Xenomorph, you never once thought about asking them to bring Berri back from the dead so you could make amends with her"
I waved air quotes.
"Yes, your game is called "Bad Fur Day" for a reason, but think about what I am saying, Conker: you could've taken a few seconds to fix that too, but by now it's too little too late for you. You may have learned your lesson in the end, but you're never ever gonna see her again, unless your franchise is resurrected by some unlikely miracle." I raised one more finger. "And your game is the one surefire game Nintendo is ashamed of allowing to have been made.*13 Plus, you're not really a true "hero", you're more of a hypocrite in more ways than one, if you took the time to realize it while analyzing the game's script. As such, why should we as gamers have to suffer the same rotten day you did?"
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There was a long pause, as I took a swig of some water to re-energize my pipes, Conker took what seemed like an hour to process everything that I said just to him. When his train of thought was done, he spoke up to do a comeback.
"So," he said. "You didn't like how I turned out, how my game turned out and you didn't like how I didn't do right by Berri before her death, is that all? Well, Max, you know what I think?"
I raised an eyebrow, wondering where the sciuridae's opinion would go from here. But before he could voice it, something dawned on him.
"Wait…" His eyes bulged in shock. "Oh, dear L.O.G."*14
"Terrible, isn't it? You're game, I mean." I asked.
"Oh… dear L.O.G." he said again.
"Most overrated Rareware game ever made, huh?"
"Oh, dear L.O.G.!" he cried out in panic.
L.O.G. for those of you who don't know, was a character created for the Xbox 360 blunder known as Banjo Kazooie: Nuts & Bolts,*15 which I won't deny (like a great many before) is one of the WORST… VIDEO GAMES… EVER*16 — his name was an anagram which stood for Lord of Games.
But that's not important, what is important is the fact that I wondered where Conker's epiphany, if you could call it that, was going with the situation at hand.
"What is it, Conker?" I "asked". "Out with it, man!"
"You're right, Max!" Conker realized. "For all the fun I had in my adventure, when I asked the programmer who unfroze the lock up in your game and helped you defeat the Xenomorph, I completely overlooked asking them to bring Berri back from the dead so you could make amends with her. And I am a hypocrite in more ways than one." He then began to tear up. "Can you forgive me?"
I had always been told by my mom and friend Chris in the past, "Just because we are Christians and the fact that we do forgive someone, depending on who they are, that doesn't mean you're going to let them back into your life."*17
And anyway, that's what I came to decide.
Conker may have been good once all those years ago, but I was not going to let him back into my life — not no way, no how… at least the BDF version of him.
"I could forgive all of that, all of it," Conker looked up with hope as I scowled at him, "…if you weren't such a bore! That's the worst of it, Conker… you're just a big, sad, alcoholic bore who is all washed up."
The mascot's face drooped in sadness as I heavily sighed, left the table, paid for our meal and left the pub.
"Well, see you, Conker, thanks for the lunch."
Alone by himself and the bartender, Conker cried his eyes out, knowing my words to be true — never crossing paths with me ever again.
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A day later after my so-called meeting, I took out a restraining order for life to let the squirrel know if he tried to call me, he'd so much as come anywhere near me, that he'd be stripped of all his land and unearned crown.
And I'm proud to say that the Conker who I used to enjoy in Diddy Kong Racing was a reminder of how good of who he used to be, the BDF version I never saw again after that one encounter.
Where am I now these days? — For me, I am here writing this story for you to look at and give your thoughts on, as well as writing my other stories. I am also searching for that one girl to make my life happier. And of course, I am still loved by friends and family.
More importantly, as for that version of Conker, I never saw him again after that. If anything, he was right where he belonged — king of all the land in his game, friendless, having a moderate fan base, and far away from my mind as much as humanly possible.
But in the end, the squirrel was right about one thing: the grass is always greener. As such, I'm proud to say my life turned out to be a better one than his, no matter what.
And that's all I have to say about that…*18
THE END!
Author's notes:
* So that was my story, and as always, please fill free to leave me your feedback.
- And remember, don't take it too seriously, something that may appeal to you people, may not always appeal to others, like how CBFD didn't wow me over.
* And finally: I own nothing in this fanfiction, except the words I write, as such: Conker is currently owned and © by Rareware and Microsoft, while the rant from Family Guy that I parodied is owned and © by Seth MacFarlane.
EASTER EGGS:
1. My opening is based off some dialogue from the 1998 classic movie The Big Lebowski.
2. Looking back on it, I very much enjoyed Diddy Kong Racing not only as a video game, as well as a soundtrack.
• Same to be said about its competition (or Mario Kart 64).
3. Banjo the Bear was the other character who got his fair share of games after Diddy Kong Racing.
• And whereas Conker's fame was (in my opinion) not well-earned, Banjo's however, was.
4. Sciuridae is the family name is basically the Latin family animal name where squirrels (even chipmunks) come from.
5. Yeah, I'm not going to say the real name of Conker's favorite pub, as again, I'm trying to keep this story G to PG rated and not rated PG-13 or R.
6. Robin Williams was a legendary and great comedian, let alone was one of major inspirations to being funny.
• South Park, on the other hand, I find very immature and gross as a show, it (in my opinion) does not deserve its fame.
7. As mentioned before, there are other pop culture icons whom I believe that don't deserve their fame, such as Marvel Comics' own Wade Wilson/Deadpool.
8. While I can't actually prove this scientifically, I (like YouTube users superflipper76 and Torri 800) believe that Conker and Berri's relationship was one of abuse and not of true love.
9. Ted Bundy, a famous serial killer, was indeed very bright.
• Considering all the people he killed, may he rot in Hell where he belongs.
10. Do have to explain who Nintendo's famous mascot is?
• We all should know by now who he is.
11. Those you see listed, are indeed other famous squirrels and chipmunks, all of whom are worthy of their praise.
• Unlike Conker, who doesn't deserve it.
12. Those are a few titles in the Sonic the Hedgehog franchise that are said to be some of the worst games ever made.
13. While writing this one-shot story, I've discovered some articles say that Nintendo has claimed for record CBDF is the one sure fire video game they're ashamed of.
• And to be honest, I don't blame them.
14. L.O.G. was indeed a character created for the Xbox 360 game Banjo Kazooie: Nuts & Bolts, saying of which…
15. Nuts & Bolts was one of the worst video games I have ever laid eyes upon.
16. Couldn't resisting to a variation of The Simpsons Comic Book Guy's motto, or "Worst… *fill in the blank here*… ever!"
17. That is indeed I've come to learn in real life and it's been useful for me in more ways than one.
18. My closing is based off a line from the classic 1994 Tom Hanks movie Forrest Gump.