WHAT WHAT WHAT IS THIS

MORE EPIC BATTLE

:/

BLAINE VS ANGST

So, it's been a long, hard season for Blaine.

So far this year he's transferred schools and left behind all his friends (you know, the ones that worshipped him as their god, going as far as to create their own religion around him called The Warblers), he's been told, very rudely mind you, to SIT DOWN by Finn on many occasions, he's had to deal with that stereotypical douche bag Seblunder hitting on him. Sure he got laid for the first time this year (Afterwords, as he lay in post-coitus bliss with the very sexy Kurt, outwardly he said "that was the most amazing thing ever, including butterflies." Inwardly, he said "FUCK THAT WAS MINDBLOWING CAN WE GO AGAIN LET'S GO AGAIN") but even then, he made a total ass of himself drunk, AGAIN, and he's starting to think he might need to not drink anymore. Ever. He's seriously considering swearing off Nyquil, even. And then, of course, he accidently gave the entire sectionals set list to the competition making everyone HATE him. it was just AWFUL. He cried and cried and punched things. Punched lots of things. Hopefully his dad still hasn't noticed the hole in the wall behind the plastic tree in the hallway.

And then Sebubs tossed a slushie in his face that had freaking rock salt- ROCK SALT, ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME, IS THIS KID IN THE MAFIA OR SOMETHING -and nearly blinded him! He had to have surgery! He didn't even get like a sticker or a lollipop or ANYTHING afterwords! Just a prescription for Vicodin and an eyepatch. He feels slightly better when he remembers getting that heart-shaped eyepatch at the dubious store at the mall, because really. How could that not be more perfect.

After that fiasco, he had been hoping that the bullshit would stop. After all, wasn't this supposed to be the magical year of Klaine, where he and his darling boyfriend make out in front of dozens of their peers, instantly causing at least half the Glee club to realize their gayness (Blaine seriously wishes Puck and the jazz band's drummer would just stfu and fuck each other, I mean REALLY, who the fuck do they think they're kidding? They made eye contact the other day! END GAME!), but in fact, the year had a bit more angst to dish out for him.

His stupid mean brother Cooper came to visit and pretty much shit all over everything. Blaine can't hear a Hanson classic like Mmm Bop without remembering Cooper's snide comments about his dancing. Cooper ruined Hanson for him! HE RUINED IT.

And the cherry on top of the angsty cake, probably iced with Blaine's own sweet tears... He and Kurt had a fight this week. And it was terrible. Awful. What a horrible week this has been.

At the moment, Blaine is sitting on the couch in his living room, wrapped up in a big, thick blanket. He's wearing the traditional uniform of someone who's had a rough week; sweatpants, a ratty old t-shirt and those super soft aloe socks. Don't judge, okay, sure they look silly but they are SO SOFT OH MY GOD. He has a tub of ice cream and the biggest spoon he could find on short notice, and he's been watching The Notebook on repeat all day.

Now, I have to tell you that I, the author, haven't seen The Notebook because it is severely lacking in explosions and Emma Stone in skimpy clothes. The only reason Blaine is watching it is because I heard it was really sad and angsty so there.

Anyway, Blaine heaves a mighty sigh as something sad happens in the movie. He shovels ice cream into his mouth and he just hates everything that ever happened.

Sure, he thinks, they made up. Kurt sang a song to him and it made him feel better. They went to 'counseling' with Ms. Pillsbury, which was weird because Blaine is almost positive she doesn't know what she's doing. Like, going to her for couple's counseling is like going to Panda Express for Chinese food.

And now Blaine wants Chinese food. He lets out a loud wail, and he just chokes down more ice cream.

"WHAT HAS MY LIFE BECOME," Blaine says around a big mouthful of Peanut Butter Panic, as well as his sobbing. What a pitiful mess.

Just then, he hears approaching footsteps. His mother appears in the door way. "Oh, goodness!" She says. "What are you doing, why are you sad?"

Blaine tosses the ice cream carton onto the floor in a fit of angst. "I'M NOT SAD," he says sadly.

"Oooh!" Blaine's mother coos, and she runs over to pick up the mess. Then she sits on the couch next to Blaine and gathers him up in a big ol' hug, squishy blanket and all. "Oh, my poor baby! Tell mama all about it."

"EVERYTHING SUCKS," Blaine wails into his mom's shoulder. She tuts sadly at him and Blaine elaborates. "Oh my God, I hate everything, like, oh my GOD. Kurt and I had a fight, and it wasn't like when we fight about Desperate Housewives or whether or not different colored M&Ms have different flavors. Like, a legit fight."

"Gracious!" Blaine's mom says. She is a very good audience.

"And like, we made up and stuff, so he's still going with me tomorrow to Breadstix for our super fancy date, but I'm still so sad and I hate being sad!"

"Oh honey!" Blaine's mom says. She kisses him right on his precious curly head. "You know what you need?"

Blaine is looking at the empty carton of ice cream sitting on the coffee table. "More empty calories."

"No, no. You need alcohol."

Kurt is sitting at home, probably painting his nails or reading Vogue or something, when he gets the call.

"Hello?"

"HEY BABEH"

"...Blaine?"

"OH YEAH~"

Kurt pulls his phone away to frown at the screen, sure he's being punk'd. The caller ID says BLAINE with a picture of, WAIT YOU HAVE TO GUESS. Right, it's a picture of a cocker spaniel puppy. Anyway, Kurt brings the phone back to his ear, feeling very perplexed. "Is everything okay, honey?"

"LIFE IS AWESOME KURT LIFE IS SO. DAMN. AWESOME."

"Huh. Okay. What's that sound?" In the background, Kurt can hear loud music. "Blaine Anderson, are you at a bar?"

"NOPE"

"Where are you?"

"KURT I LOVE THIS SONG, I LOVE THIS SOOONG! I'D GO ANYWHERE YOU GO, I'D GO ANYWHERE YOU GOOO~ ALL THE WAY, ALL THE WAAAY"

The face Kurt is making right now, I assure you, is fucking priceless. "...Who else is there?"

"MY MOM, HERE MOM, TALK TO KURT WHILE I JAM"

The phone is apparently handed off like a live grenade by all the noise and shuffling. Then, a female voice says "Oh, hello~" and there are giggles. Lots of giggles.

Kurt recognizes the voice. "Mrs Anderson?"

"Yes!" She says like a proud preschool teacher.

"Why is Blaine yelling and being crazy?" Kurt asks weakly, wondering if there might be a gas leak at the Anderson house or something.

"Oh, we're just having a little -hic- bonding time...! Blaine, dear, don't... Don't climb that, don't climb that. Hop on down, there you go..."

There is a loud 'thump' from the other end and a lot of swearing. Kurt can only sit in silence as, apparently, the phone is fumbled. Blaine picks it back up.

"KURT"

"Blaine? Are you okay?" Kurt asks.

"KURT I FELL AND I THINK I MIGHT BE DRUNK"

"Oh god," Kurt says. "Listen, Blaine. Listen. Are you listening?"

"Yeeesss~" Blaine says in a little sing-song voice.

"Okay. Go to bed and sleep this off. Don't go outside or you might cause the freaking apocalypse. Just go lay down."

"Kurt! Kurt! Oh my God, I needed to tell you something." Blaine says, sounding a bit hysterical.

Kurt sighs. "Okay, tell me."

"I LOVE YOU~"

Kurt takes this moment to facepalm. "Just go to bed, Blaine."

"HOKAY, LOVE YA BABE, BYE"

Once Blaine has ended the call, Kurt slowly puts his phone down on the bed next to him. He figures that Blaine has got to be the silliest drunk to ever exist. It's almost like, when he's sober, he's a gentleman lifted from high-society 1950's. When he's drunk, he's more like a certain hyperactive 25-year-old. WINK WINK NUDGE NUDGE.

end

Yay! That was fun. Hope you enjoyed the silliness. I tried for more silliness and a bit less sardonic. :D Ending was kind of abrupt but oh well.

In case you were wondering, the song artfully used in this chapter is Dead and Gone by The Black Keys. No crazy context, it just happened to be what I was listening to when I got to that part of the song