The Rationalization

Waking up, praying and spending the day tense and paranoid – that became Sam's new freedom, the knowledge of the fact that he was still a prisoner, of his own mind. That was the kind of stuff that happened in the penitentiary all of the time – but this was not that place. He began working out, trying to relieve the stress, trying to clear his mind of his shame and his guilt… trying to convince himself that this ONCE, this was the right thing to do. Oddly enough, he was at ease about Jesse… it was Giselle that troubled him.

He knew that he was helping her situation, but he didn't know if she knew that. Even though it was obvious that he was hurting her, she seemed rather attached to him. She married him for something. Sam had never been married, but he had an idea of what it was like to care enough about someone to want to be with them for the rest of his life… and he empathized on the level of pain it might cause to lose her, right in front of him. God, help Giselle.

Sam battled with this issue of actually telling Mercedes. He was able to get Tina to agree with just telling her to ask Sam, if she was asked about things, but she made it clear that if Mercedes seemed too upset, she would spill. Mercedes had not bothered them too much about it. Mike, on the other hand seemed perturbed by Tina and Sam being alone in their home together. Now, the two barely even looked at each other, and when they did, Sam seemed overtly polite. Tina seemed to act a little differently towards him, too. She didn't seem as hateful towards him.

The police had come to the shop to question Sam about his argument with Jesse at the theatre. Sam casually told them that Jesse had accused him of trying to flirt with or harm his wife and that when he recognized him, told his wife to alert security. "It really was no big deal. I've hung out with his wife a couple of times, because I briefly had a physical relationship with one of her friends." When asked where he went after he left the theatre, he said, "To talk to Tina Cohen-Chang. I called her on my way out of the place, if you need to check my phone records, and I got to her place about ten minutes later."

He had called Tina right as he left the theatre and told her that he needed to stop by, but he wasn't sure when that would be. "I'll honk the horn."

"What is this about?" She asked, annoyed.

"It's… complicated. But, I promise, I will completely be at your disposal. My future will literally be in your hands."

"What?" She asked, but he simply hung up.

… Now, all of their friends were curious. Kurt watched Tina as the police asked her about Sam stopping by. She answered, casually, as she continued with her work, "Sam Evans wanted to try to clear the waters with me to try to gain my support in him being emotionally attached to one of my closest friends. We talked it out and at the end of the day, I'm still not comfortable with it, but like I told him – I've already explained that to my friend and to him. It's their choice and their business, no matter what my feelings are."

After they left, Kurt commented, "That was a Tina lie. If I didn't work next to you and wasn't a mutual partner with you, I might have not known. What's going on between you and Sam?"

"We aren't having sex, fooling around, or emotionally attached to each other, and that is all that I will say," she said. "Because, if it wasn't important, Kurt – I wouldn't have covered for Sam with the police." She stared at Kurt and he nodded his head in agreement.

After church, Mercedes came into the shop and went into the back room. She could hear Sam's breathing and she reached out to wake him. Sam jumped up and began to choke her, before he snapped out of sleep and realized that it was her. "Oh my God, Mercy!" He took her in his arms and held her, "I am sorry. I'm so sorry," he repeated.

"Were you having a nightmare?" She asked, catching her breath and holding her neck.

"Every time I close my eyes," he answered simply and ran his fingers through his hair. "Now I have yet another terrifying image to add to my collection." He rubbed her neck and she moaned at the feel of his hands. "What did you need, coming in here?" He wondered.

"It's Sunday, but instead of the usual gathering, we're going to meet up at Emma's. Not the entire group, though, just some of us."

"You need a ride," he said, getting up to find his shirt.

"I want you to accompany me," she corrected him. "You still haven't had the chance to just be around them on the level that I want to see. I figured with you and Tina finally patching things up, maybe now's a good time to start getting you more familiar with them all."

"Tina and I didn't really patch things up. We just sort of… I don't even know," he said and reached into the little portable closet he now had.

"Do you like her?" Mercedes asked.

"Like her? Like… like her? No, it's Tina. We aren't even friends."

"There just seems to be secrets between you two and I don't know…" she shook her head and he watched her. "I hope that you and Tina aren't becoming like everybody else. You two are two of the most honest and open people in my life and it would really hurt if you two had a secret to spare me of my feelings."

"There's nothing going on between us, Mercedes," Sam assured her as he slipped on his shirt, then kneeled in front of her, "I don't want anyone else like that," he said. He did not specify but you. She knew damned well, he meant but her. But, her jealousy was somewhat gratifying.

"Alright, well. I vote that we not keep secrets. I think that you and I should share our secrets with each other," she said, trying to be bold.

She clasped her hands together and he could see how insecure she was about the topic, but she bravely went forward, "Artie, Kurt, Tina, Quinn, Puck, Shane, and I share a common thread… all of us have been institutionalized and all of us found comfort in Emma Pillsbury, one of the counselors from the institution." Her eyes were clouded with tears and her heart was palpitating in her throat as she expected his rejection, but she felt his arms wrap around her and pull her close. He was settled between her legs and she had to fight herself not to wrap them around him.

"Why didn't you tell me that?" He wondered. "Mercedes, I've been to PRISON, it's not like I would judge you for having been in an institution."

"But, that's not the end of the story. We formed a support group. It started with Tina, Quinn and I, and it grew to include the others. Emma was our leader in our sessions and she was also our friend. None of us had really good parents, or our parents were gone, so… she was like our mom. Her bosses thought that she was too close to us and that her behavior was unprofessional and unprofitable, so she was fired and pretty much blacklisted.

Before she left, she made us promise to look after one another and help each other. We didn't know that it would ever become what it has become, but we're a family, now… and there have been times when outsiders have noticed us and called us a cult. BUT, we don't have any group philosophy or single mindedness or anything like that. We're just a group of crazy, weird people who accept each others' defects. Tina calls us the Island of Misfit Toys."

"Mercedes, you aren't crazy or weird. You are so perfect." He cupped her face and said, "If I'm correct by what you've told me. Today's gathering is your way of inviting me to become a part of your family?"

She reflexively shook her head and told him, "That's not it. It's more like… meet my family – this is who we are. Get to know us. God, Sam. Even crazy people wait until they know someone before trying to get them into the family," she chuckled and he smiled at her. After a while, she said, in a small voice, "I can't tell what you're thinking."

"I'm thinking that I'm ready to meet your family," he said.

"We don't really just talk about the institution, or the group, for that matter. Don't ask them questions. Blaine learned that the hard way." She shook her head.

Sam opened his mouth to tell her about Jesse and Tina's help, but he couldn't form the words. Instead, he said, "How about if things go well with your family, I tell you every secret that I have, from start to finish?"

"I only want to know the one that has been keeping you away from me, lately." She confessed.

"I'll tell you. Just, not now. But, I promise – I'll tell you," he said.

Emma was a nice woman, though she still made Sam uncomfortable, because every time he looked at her, she was staring at him, like she was trying to piece something together. Living in reverse… he wanted to get back to that topic, eventually. He had not spoken to Emma since the Aphasia situation and now, that was weeks ago and the police had ruled what happened to Jesse as a robbery homicide, and were no longer looking at Sam as a suspect. Aphasia seemed pleased, as well. That didn't mean that the two of them would ever be friends, but at least he know knew that she had gotten some level of satisfaction and he now knew not to try to apologize to people in that way. There were some that he would, that he might face, that he had to face… namely Matt Rutherford.

He knew that Matt had not wanted him released, but he had been and he owed it to Matt, at least to say something. The gathering at Emma's was sort of like a meeting amongst family, except suspicious looks kept getting thrown his way. Puck and Mercedes were leaning close together, talking low, but heatedly and Sam knew that it was either about him, or about them, but he really didn't want to get into that. Shane was willfully ignoring him. He realized that was probably a defense mechanism to keep himself from exploding, and tried to remain as out of the spotlight as possible, because of it.

Sam happened to be the only one not in the family. He watched Quinn get up and slide herself right in between Puck and Mercedes, and became a little more at ease about the fact that she obviously didn't reserve that kind of treatment for him, alone. Quinn began to stroke Mercedes' face and talk quietly to her. She gave Puck a look and they had a short exchange before Puck left the two of them and Quinn was talking to Mercedes. Sam watched Mercedes and Quinn. Mercy seemed upset, but Quinn was used to looking out for her. But, then Tina came up and Sam's throat grew tight. He hoped that Mercedes wouldn't ask Tina about the secret – not while she looked so upset. Tina would tell her…

"What the hell are you doing here?" Puck had asked her when he, Artie and Mercedes were passing by the new blond teenager, Quinn Fabray. Quinn stared at him and frowned. Noah Puckerman. They had known each other since the beginning of junior high. He was the best friend of her high school sweetheart and recently, had been put out of school for drunken and disorderly conduct.

"My mom registered me here, but I am not an inmate," she said.

Artie said, "Oh cool, because neither are we! Inmates are in the prison system and this is a mental health facility."

"Whatever. I'm not a part of this. She just put me in here to protect me from something. I'm still going to McKinley High and still living a normal life."

"You live a normal life, eh?" Puck asked, with a smirk. "Quinn, you do know that people at school know about you, right?" She frowned and walked away from him. "You aren't any better than any of us, now!" He called out.

"Go to hell, Puckerman!" She snapped at him.

Later on, when she went into the room that the nurse had guided her to when Mrs. Fabray initially dropped her off, she saw an Asian girl on one bed and that black girl who was with Puck earlier on another. "Great, a friend of Puck's is my bunkmate," she said.

Tina told her, "Go f*ck yourself, Blondie. I hate Puck."

Mercedes said, "I think that she meant me."

Tina sat up and said, "Now, DOUBLE-F*CK yourself for picking on handicapped people."

Quinn sighed and flopped down onto her bed. The chick didn't look handicapped to her, but she was kind of dazed looking. Maybe she was retarded… but Quinn thought that they kept them away from the troubled ones. "What are you two in for?" she asked.

Tina snapped, "This isn't PRISON, tard. We aren't 'in for' anything. This is just a place that they put broken kids whose problems they can't figure out how to fix."

Mercedes ignored Tina's rant and softly asked Quinn, "What are you in for?"

Quinn said, "Protection. My mom was worried that something was going to happen to me."

Tina froze and stared at her, "Like.. what?" she wondered.

Quinn shook her head, "Nothing. She's just a killjoy."

Tina and Mercedes spoke at the same time: "I call bullshit."

But, it was weeks before she was able to tell them the truth. "When I was thirteen, my father started sexually abusing me. My sister and I were always victims and my mother pretended that she didn't know anything. After that, I started sleeping with a lot of boys, at school and stuff. Mothers kept calling my mom with stories about finding me with their sons. Teachers called my dad to tell him that they had caught me in the bathroom or locker room. Social services were starting to snoop around and my mom panicked and put me in here."

Puck said, with a chuckle, "They call her Lucy Caboosey at school."

Tina glared at him and told him, "Abuse is nothing to make jokes about!"

"I'm not making jokes about the abuse. I'm talking about what the guys call her at school, because she's easy."

Mercedes defended, "Well, did you ever stop to think that maybe she isn't easy at all? That maybe she just doesn't know how to act around guys because she didn't have a good example. Some people don't know how to kiss or when they're supposed to kiss or hold hands, or anything about affection and sexuality, because they never had exposure to it or any talks about it… some people have had exposure to it, but not proper education…" She reached for Quinn's hand and squeezed it. "And none of us have the right to judge anybody with any of those problems."

Mercedes looked placed a hand on Tina's shoulder and one on Quinn's and said, "Puck is trying to weigh me down with this Sam thing. He wants me to give Sam up and wonders why you and Sam are keeping secrets. Tina, tell me that this isn't like what happened with Quinn. Because I don't know how I could take my two best girlfriends in the history of life doing the same thing to me!" Mercedes collapsed in a flurry of tears and Quinn held her.

"No, Cedes… it's not that, at all," she said. She looked at Sam and he was coming over.

Tina, Quinn and Mercedes were all crying. They had decided to run away from the institution after Emma was forced out. She had been there protection and their hope. The girls were only sixteen, scared to death and had no place to go, but vowed that wherever they went, whatever happened, they would look out for each other, just like Emma told them..

"This is hurting her, Sam. You have to do the right thing," Tina said. Sam nodded and collected Mercedes from Quinn. Quinn let him, which shocked him. When he was walking away with her, he noticed Quinn and Tina latch hands and both of them looked pretty torn up. The extent of love between these people still amazed him and he had a feeling, or at least he hoped that his secret was not going to completely turn Mercedes away from him.

"Mercedes, I thought that I had changed. I mean, I have changed, but some parts of me are still wrong and don't fit into my new life. I thank you SO much for helping me accomplish living it. I've done something and Tina helped me out with it, because she was the best choice."

"Sam, did you kill Jesse St. James?" She asked.

"Tina told you?" he asked.

"Puck did. He's friends with Mrs. St. James. She said that Jesse was certain that you killed her husband," Mercedes said. "I said that there was no way, because you've changed and you wouldn't do something like that, now. I refused to believe that you have that in you to do, after all of the grace that has been given to you. After all of the people who could have come after you and killed you or at least, tried to… after everything I did and all the flack that I've gotten to help you… I thought, surely you love yourself enough by now not to do that."

"Jesse St. James was a rapist…"
"So were you!" she argued.

"He was one when I killed him," he said. "He hadn't changed, he'd only perfected his method. He kept his attacks exclusive to his wife. I did that woman a favor. I did black women in general a favor."

"Well, thank you, God. What would we do without our shining white knight?" She asked.

"I didn't mean…" He started crying, "I just wanted to be a better man, for you, Mercedes. Every thing that I do now revolves around how I feel about you and how I want you to feel about me. I don't know how to do things the right way. If I did, I never would have had this problem. But I need you to not hate me for killing a rapist who was never going to see any justice. I can't ask you to forgive, me… but please, please, don't hate me."

"I don't hate you, Sam. I'm disappointed. Taking a life is serious. You will never be able to make amends for that."

"I know. I know. It has been eating away at me, but I kept thinking about how I reopened a wound that was never even gonna truly heal for Aphasia and I watched Giselle and how afraid she was that I was upsetting Jesse and I made a choice. I believed it to be the right thing.. even if it kills me," he said. "You think that I wanted to do something like this after all that I've done to turn my life around? Do you think it pleases me that these hands have literally killed a man?" He wiped his face and shook his head, "I feel like I have failed you."

"No, Sam. You've failed yourself. I… want you to take up some personal time with Emma," Mercedes said. "I'm just too attached to this and to you to see clear on it and I need some type of perspective that isn't like any of my friends."

"You can't tell them," Sam said, "They'll turn me over."

"Sam… I'm always the last to know everything with this group… they already know. The fact that they haven't turned you over says something."

"That they're waiting for me to get caught, in due time, because they have no proof?" He asked.

"That they accept you," she said, a little bit bothered by the thought that the thing that would win him over, after all of his kindness and politeness and trying to be better, was for him to kill somebody that they thought didn't deserve to live.

Sam and Mercedes went into her apartment, when they got back. That unspoken rule of him not going up there when she was alone was all but lost, and she told him that she didn't want to be alone, tonight. She washed up, sad and drained about the secret and even more upset about finding it out. Sam washed up, as well, after she did. He didn't have any clothes up there, but she couldn't see him, so he didn't need any. Sam climbed into the bed with Mercedes and wrapped his arms around her. "I'm sorry that I failed," he whispered to her.

She turned around to face him and just laid her head against his chest, rubbing her hands up and down his tattoos. She began to cry and he held her tighter. "Sam, I got over the fact that you participated in killing the innocent. I can get over this too. I'm just scared. What if you get caught? What if you do this again?"

"I hope that I never get caught, but I promise you, I will never do this again. You mean too much to me for me to let you down again," he said. Mercedes snuggled closer to him and wrapped an arm around him. The exhaust of the day eventually kicked in and she went to sleep. Sam hoped not to wake her, but he wanted to be sure that he had on clean clothes when he got up, instead of trying to beat the ladies coming in to work. When he came back, Mercy was still asleep. He watched her for a while, then laid his head on her chest to listen to her heartbeat… that's where he went to sleep.