"We had no one to compare her to, no one to measure her against. She was unknown territory. Unsafe. We were afraid to get too close."
-Stargirl By Jerry Spinelli
Chapter 3: The Widow or the Wood pecker
From the mind of the patient in room 97
After the whole incident on the balcony nurse Maka leads me and Crona to Dr. Marie, the head of psychology.
Dr. Marie is a excellent Doctor, she works very well with the patients but sometimes I wonder if the reason why she chose this area of medicine was because she's a little messed up herself. It's defiantly not as serious that she needs to be admitted...but she has the little quirks. Sometimes when I'm in 1 on 1 therapy with her she will get very self conscious and apologize because she thinks she's giving me awful advice. She becomes instantly depressed and then it becomes me who is trying to comfort her. I have no problem with Dr. Marie of course, she can just be a little difficult. Other then her self esteem issues she's really wonderful. None of the patients have a real problem with her, except Soul. But the again, Soul has a problem with all of the doctors.
Me, nurse Maka, and Crona sit together on a bench while we wait for Miss Marie to finish with her current patient. Maka continues to glare at me like I've done something horribly wrong. Which I have not. Or at least I don't think I have. Crona is staring at her hands and I notice she is doing almost the exact same ritual I do when I am nervous. She's counting her fingers, but she isn't counting them in the right order as I would have expected. She is counting them thumb, index, middle, ring, and then pinky. A usual left to right order. That bothers me a bit. I almost tell her to count them in the correct order but I keep my mouth shut. I don't want to scare her anymore then I may already have.
Finally the door opens and I'm surprised to see Soul walking out. He quickly notices me and looks concerned, then angry.
"Kid! Where the hell did you go? I was looking all over the place for your ass."
Before I can answer Maka butts in.
"Soul, I found your pills from the last week or so in your desk drawer, or at least what's left of them. Would you like to explain why you've been destroying your medication?"
Soul seems to be caught between lecturing me and avoiding a lecture with Maka. Maka's glare is far more powerful then his previous irritation. He grunts and walks off, ignoring Maka's accusation. Once he does, Dr. Maire peeks out and sees us. She seems happy at first, but once she sees Crona there is this look of sadness in her eyes. It quickly vanishes but I was able to catch it before she put her mask of a smile on.
"Come in you three. I'll be happy to help with whatever is the problem."
I stand up and so does nurse Maka, but Crona doesn't move. It's like she didn't hear the doctor at all.
Maka gets the same sad look in her eyes that Dr. Maire had. I don't know why, but it bothers me when they give Crona this look. It's like they're pitying her.
"Crona." I say.
Her eyes lighten up a bit at the sound of her voice but she doesn't look away from the hands that are now folded in her lap. I know now that she can hear me. All I have to do is get a real response. I crouch down to her eye level and extend my hand for her to take. At first she seems alarmed that I'm reaching out for her but she soon relaxes when I hold my arm still. I look her in the eyes and wait.
Slowly but surely her vision moves from her hands to my own hand. Her pupils move along the length of my arm and then up to my eyes. When she looks at me she doesn't have the dazed look or the sense of disappointment that she had before. She looks curious and a bit surprised, like she's never seen another person before. She looks back at my hand and then returns her stare to my eyes. It's as if she's asking permission to take my hand.
I nod and say "Come on." It isn't a command but it isn't a request either. It's an encouragement.
Her fingers twitch a bit and a strong tremor moves through her arm to her hand. It makes me wonder if her brain actually had to send a wave of energy to her arm to move it. Her hand reaches out for my own but it stops for a moment in mid air, she's rethinking her decision to trust me. I feel a certain pain in my chest when I think that she won't give me a chance. I hope that she at least tries to let me in. I don't know why Crona doesn't respond to people, but something tells me it's because she doesn't think she can trust them. I can understand that. I know what it's like to give someone your life and watch them throw it away carelessly.
I understand that.
I'm too busy remembering that I almost don't notice the warmth of skin wrapped around my hand. Her eyes are looking directly at me. They show determination and a bit of fear. Her hand is boney and her hold is weak, but she doesn't let go. I tug lightly and she stands up from the bench, still looking at me.
We walk into Dr. Marie's office and Crona and I sit down on the couch in her room. Maka shuts the door behind us and turns to face Dr. Marie.
"Crona responded for the first time today...except it was to Kid."
She says it like it's a bad thing..
"I noticed she made eye contact out in the hall." Marie says. "Has she tried to communicate?"
Maka shakes her head. "No she still won't speak. She hasn't been screaming either. However, she is beginning to acknowledge that she knows we are here. I think she may be fighting it thou-"
"Will you please stop talking about Crona and actually talk to her?" I interrupt. It's been bothering me since we entered the office. They talk about her like she's a sick pet.
"She's right here after all." I say.
The two staff get the same look of pity in their eyes from before. My heart sinks and I realize what the look means.
"She can hear us right?"
They don't answer me. That makes me anxious.
"Dr. Maire...is Crona autistic?"
Maka looks at Marie, waiting for an answer. I wonder if she's been wondering the same thing.
"N-no. Well, we thought she was at first, but apparently that isn't the case. The state Crona is in now is a combination of shock and her own personal defense mechanism. The shock will fade eventually but she may never trust us enough to bring down her defenses. We've discovered that she doesn't respond, simply because she is afraid to trust us." She looks at Crona, who is staring at a picture on the wall.
The picture, it's new, I've never seen it before. It seems to be a mixed media painting of doe, cornered by a mountain lion. The lion is showing off it's large set of jaws while the doe cowers in fear. I can't tell if the lion is growling or grinning an eerie smile. The color palette chosen is interesting though. The ground is all white to look like snow, the lion and deer have footprints which shows evidence of a previous chase. The trees in the background are black and turn grey as they move farther back to the horizon. The animals however are both red and so are the footprints. The colors consist of solely shades of black and white, and a bright red. The whole picture is very dark, nothing I would expect of Dr. Marie. I must remember to ask her about it later.
Click click
"It is almost supper. Kid would you mind taking Crona to the dinning hall? There are some things I would like to discuss with nurse Maka in private." Dr. Marie said.
I knew what that meant. They wanted to 'discuss' me. They had no problem with talking about Crona to her face but they knew I wouldn't tolerate that. Despite my aching curiousity to know what they say, I simply nod and begin to head out the door.
My fingers are just about to touch the handle when a feel a familiar warmth around my hand. I look over my shoulder to see Crona, holding my hand, eyes cast down. Maka and Dr. Marie look shocked. The three of us freeze and wait for something to happen or for her to say something. Nothing happens, no words leave her mouth. I feel a bit disappointed because of that. She just clutches onto my hand and stares into deep space. I decide to take a risk and move a bit farther torwards the door, she follows.
"Crona?" Dr. Marie says finally. "Do you want to tell Kid something?"
I think it's the first time I've heard Marie talk directly to Crona. She speaks to her like she's trying to calm down a wild animal. I can hear the fear in her voice.
The words from the previous morning come back into my thoughts.
'Potentially dangerous.'
I then feel as if I'm handcuffed to a wild animal.
Crona doesn't look up. Still gripping on to me in the same loose grip, she refuses to respond. I give Dr. Marie a worried look. She nods to the door, assuring me I'm in no danger. I can't help but feel skeptical of that.
My free hand grabs onto the handle and pushes the door open. I take slow cautious steps, Crona is always right behind me with each move. I hear the door close behind me and I know we're alone. I decide to pick up the pace to a normal walk down the long hallway, she follows me casually. I feel a bit more calm now.
I ponder reasons why Crona had took my hand in Dr. Marie's office. Maybe she just wanted to make sure she didn't get lost. Maybe she can't see and needs a sort of 'guide dog'. Maybe she's lonely.
The last one hangs in my head for a bit longer the the other two theories. Perhaps she is indeed lonely, that's why she approached me. Maybe she thought I could be her friend. I'm both concerned and flattered by the thought. Then I think: Why me of all people?
When I am able to see the entrance to the dinning hall I suddenly feel a pull from behind me and almost fall backwards. Crona had stopped dead in her tracks. She wouldn't let go of my hand though. Her eye's aren't facing the floor now, they're darting around in all directions. I can feel her hand begin to tremble and her legs look unstable. Social anxiety perhaps?
"Would you like to sit down?" Is the first thing that comes from my mouth.
She doesn't answer, which I expected, so I lead her over by the wall. She lets go of my hand and sits against the surface, hugging her knees and face ducked down.
I sit down cross legged next to her. She flinches a bit when she feels my eyes on her. I have to admit it, I'm worried about her. Her body is shaking, her pupils are dilated, and her lip is quivering. I can see she's loosing her control. I have to help her, get her mind off whatever is pushing the tears from her eyes.
"My name is Kid." I say.
Her eyes open a little wider.
I continue my introduction now that I'm sure she's listening. "I'm 17 years old. I was brought her as for inpatient 2 years, 9 months, 2 week, and 1 day ago. So...I have a pretty good idea where everything is and who everyone is. If you have any questions you can always ask me okay? I'll always be here in case you need me."
That last sentence seemed to trigger something in her head. She looks directly at me again. She sees me. I feel suddenly nervous and cornered by her dark eyes. I'm not in control anymore, she is.
It scares me.
It also intrigues me.
"Please don't lie to me."
The words come from her mouth. I hear her voice for the first time. It's no what I expected. It's...cold. Not cold as in angry, cold as in alone or sad or sick. It's soft and quiet. It has a certain melancholy sound to it.
I snap out of my analyzing of her voice and my brain registers what she said.
"I'm not lying." I assure her. "I'll help you with whatever you need. I'll be here for you, I promise."
Her hands begin to tremble.
"No no stop it! You'll leave just like all the others. Don't make promises you can't keep. Please, I can't deal with that." Her voice cracks and I can tell she's getting ready to break.
"You have to trust someone, otherwise you'll just be alone"
All of a sudden she becomes quiet again and her eyes look sad again.
"It's easier this was. I rather be a woodpecker then a widow." She whispers the last sentance. I become puzzled.
A woodpecker? What does that have to do with anything?
"What do you mean?"
She doesn't answer.
So I ask again. No response. Her eyes become hazy again, and I can tell she's blocking me out. I call her name but I know by then she won't hear me. She doesn't move until Maka comes and guides her back to her room.
I feel a strange feeling once she's gone. I get angry and depressed and confused and I even feel a bit sick. She let me hear her, but then she took her voice and her eyes away from me again. Maybe she thinks I'm a mistake. She regrets letting me in so now she shuts me out.
Why does this bother me so much?
I lie in my bed, the sheets are wrinkled and I'm on my side facing the wall. It's only 6 O'clock but I told nurse Tsubaki I was too tired to engage in the evening activities. I was hoping some sleep would get my mind off Crona. It didn't. My light is off but the sun hasn't set quite yet so my room is still dimly lit from the window.
Click click
I think about Crona again. There are so many questions that I don't know the answers to. Why did she see me? Why did she hold my hand? Why did she talk to me? Why me? I would have imagined she had opened up to a nurse like Maka or Tsubaki, not another crazy. Her last words repeat in my head in that tragic voice.
'I rather be a woodpecker then a widow.'
But why?
"You'll know her more by your questions then by her answers. Keep looking at her long enough. One day you might see someone you know.
Preview of the next chapter:
"I think I'm a broken door. I just know I can't let anyone in, no matter how hard I try. I think my hinges rusted so I won't open anymore.
You're not a broken door because broken doors can be fixed. You can't be fixed.
Then what door am I?
A locked one."