AN: And now distracted trying to get my cosplay all worked out for Sakura Con. Also, why is it Spring Break, yet still so freaking cold here?

Fate/Far Side: Synchronized Body

Chapter 3

Here Without

I had a silly dream once, one that I always look back at with mixed feelings. Where Kiritsugu could have lived to meet Illya, where they could have reconciled all of the issues between them. Where, after the war, she could have stayed with us and, regardless to her shortening life, had a father once again.

Saber could be there, could see and know the Kiritsugu I knew. She could see why he had fought, why he made the choices he had, and how it had earned him nothing—all a parallel, I guess, to what I always thought she'd endured. And maybe, through his example, she could find a measure of peace, knowing that while reality might have been different, what they fought for was still worthwhile to pursue.

Likewise, in this dream, Shinji got over his, well, I guess you'd call it an inferiority complex, now that I had more of the full picture. And instead of treating Sakura so terribly, they got along, and the both of them could instead come to my place, away from the gloom and terror of the world their house represented. Without the influence of their family sire, they could get along with a normal life and not have to worry about things neither of them fully comprehended or wanted a part of.

Tohsaka, of course, could be there too, reconnecting with her sister in the way that she always wanted, in neutral territory that had nothing to do with the Tohsaka or Matou lineages. There's a lot they had to get out into the open air, and obviously a public place like school just wasn't an option.

Speaking of school, Fuji-nee of course would want in on all of this once she had some idea of what was going on. While I don't think she'd have the most…tactful way of helping things along, she always admired Kiritsugu, adored Sakura, and had bonded in the strangest way with Saber. She even seemed to get along with Illya. I had no doubt that somehow, probably including meals at my expense and various broken items of furniture, Fuji-nee would somehow make everything alright between us all. Maybe.

Still…

It was a mere idle thought, a passing idea. I thought my mind was trying to find some way to grieve over things since I was so otherwise desensitized to everything. It's hard to even be emotional over something when struck repeatedly in the face with death and sadness. Or maybe I was just too abnormal.

"I'm sorry," Tohsaka had said, when I had confided the thought to her. It probably wasn't the best time to say such a thing, amidst discarded clothes and bedcovers, but I think it was probably that feeling of nakedness that prompted me to say anything. Tohsaka had told me many things about the situation that led up to the war from her side—all of the dire things tied to her history and the relationship she had with the Matou family. It seemed only fair that I try and let her know she wasn't the only one that longed for a different outcome.

It wasn't long after that when I decided I had to try and get away, get some space. Part of it, too, was that it became more and more clear that Tohsaka and I were clinging to each other too much and that we could probably do for time on our own.

Just…someday, I wanted to be able to say things about what we lost and not…not look like I'd just physically harmed her when I do so.

"It's nothing," I said to Kohaku, waving off her hand. She looked ready to drag me to the doctor if I didn't clear my head now, real fast. "Just remembering things." I took a deep breath and spun the handle of the umbrella in my hand. "You've kept this thing in nice shape for so many years."

The worried gaze of amber eyes was not receding at all. "I'm not usually in the habit of being rough with people's presents, you know," Kohaku said.

"Yeah." I didn't know what else to say. How do you explain to a person, don't worry, your dreams are not something to laugh at, not when I'd prefer those dreams to reality? I'm just a boy that can't let go of those kind of dreams anyway.

It's strange to think that I got that even as a kid. When Kiritsugu brought me to this city before, he hadn't yet told me about his dream. I was certainly still trying to mimic him, probably still trying to convince him to teach me magecraft. But I definitely didn't have the goal "ally of justice" in my head at the time. I guess, then, all it was boiled down to an intuitive understanding of what Kiritsugu wanted.

Kohaku frowned at me and my silence. "Okay, so, you won't laugh, but you clearly find something wrong about this."

"No. Nothing wrong." I leaned back in the chair, tried to look as calm as I could. "More like…too right." I managed a weak smile. "You make it sound like I could have been a knight, gallantly looking after a young woman before wandering off to find adventure or something."

"You don't have to make it sound so silly," she said. "Obviously, you were too young to be a knight. Squire?"

"Then, what do we call you? Lady-in-waiting? Handmaiden?"

"You can still call me that." Kohaku sat back down, seemingly placated by the lighter mood we'd fallen into. "Are you still a squire?"

My thoughts were drawn back, once more, to this sad little dream, to an existence that would be forever disconnected and foreign to me. "Yeah," I sighed, though I couldn't help but smile ruefully at the concept. "I guess I am."

It was, of course, a sleepless night for me. Thinking of everything that had happened during the war, how it colored everything that I knew beforehand with a different hue, I often felt like a complete moron for not being more aware of everything. It only makes sense that if Kiritsugu tells you, "I'm a magus," it follows that there would be others that had hidden sides like that, or that supernatural events were going on everyday where I couldn't see. I knew logically that it was beyond my control, but the nagging feeling that I could have paid better attention stayed with me. It was a double-failure in that way: I'd already kicked myself enough for not being more proactive in Sakura and Shinji's situation, but everything about the magical side of things…

Well, I wasn't a horrible magus for nothing.

So I just rolled around restlessly for hours and even tried breathing exercises to get my mind calm enough to rest. But by the dead of night, it was clear nothing was going to get me to go out. Every once in a while, I considered the thought that it might have been Saber's influence on me, keeping me infused with energy to be extra vigilant like she must have been in unfamiliar territory.

I threw on the clothes I'd set aside for the next day and wandered back out into the main wing of the house. Though it would be hours before breakfast, the thought did occur that if I just staked out the kitchen, I could preempt Kohaku and get some cooking in.

Kohaku, however, was still up. When I made my way past the foyer into the living space, I could see the lights still on and Kohaku's voice talking to nobody—on the phone, perhaps? Regardless, my plans were foiled. I should have paid more attention in elementary school when everyone was playing capture-the-flag. Maybe I would have learned a thing or two.

"I should go. Yes, thank you," Kohaku was saying when I peeked into the kitchen. She waved me in as she finished her conversation, setting the phone down on the receiver as I sat up on one of the nearby chairs. "Shirou-san, what are you still doing up?"

"Couldn't sleep." I was a little perplexed at Kohaku's wakefulness as well; the way she had responded to our little movie seemed like the kind of situation where one would be drained afterward. At least, that's always how Fuji-nee responded. Maybe not the best of examples to compare to. "How about you?"

"Akiha-sama has been feeling a little under the weather, and preoccupied with finishing school. I've been trying to keep her arrangements as simple as possible. That was one of the branch families—fussing over her, so to speak."

"If…" I grimaced at my own suspicions. All the thinking earlier probably has me too much on edge. "If it isn't a bother to say, what exactly is the family business? I mean, if there's a branch family, it seems like Tohno-san is part of quite the dynasty." I'm not even sure if Tohsaka had such a thing in her lineage, and at least, once upon a time, her ancestors seemed to have been fairly 'big.'

"Well, you know, organized crime, drug trade, arms sales…"

I gave her my best ha ha you can't fool me look. "Just like home, then." Not that Fuji-nee or Raiga for that matter had their thumbs directly in that sort of thing, but, well, they were the heirs to a yakuza group. Actually, I think Raiga's people had more to do with money laundering and loan sharking than anything. Once again, in hindsight, it seems rather fitting that Kiritsugu would turn to such people, if concealment of funds was something of an issue.

Kohaku pouted. "You learn too fast, grasshopper."

"Seriously, though, what kind of situation? I mean, you've said that Tohno-san's parents are gone, and that she's the head of the house, but obviously a teenage girl is not going to be literally running a company…"

"Well, she is and she isn't." Kohaku spread her arms helplessly. "She's technical owner of a couple of businesses, including things run by branches of the family—the Touzaki, for instance, are traditional swordsmiths. She even has financial investments in the very school she attends, since the Tohno family has strong ties to a few other wealthy lineages."

Huh. Yeah, that also cemented the fact that if I couldn't bring Fuji-nee here, else let her feel spoiled, I most definitely couldn't bring Tohsaka here. She'd run this place dry in no time.

"But she doesn't exactly oversee day-to-day operations of any of it. For the school, she just happens to cast a vote in a committee. Things like that." Kohaku made to move the phone she'd been using from the kitchen counter back to the table it had been resting on originally. It was an antique rotary phone that, well, I guess fit the décor for the rest of the house. I could't help but stare at it, since it looked like it might have been made when it was still possible to become a Heroic Spirit.

"Then who would you be talking to in the middle of the night? This branch family?"

"Well, multiple branch family members in a row, actually." Still, strange to be communicating with sunrise still hours away. I frowned, and Kohaku gave me a fox-like grin. "You sure turned this around on me," the maid said. "I was the one trying to sneak information out of you."

"And I said I'm still not some covert chef attempting to steal you away."

Kohaku's eyes narrowed. "Yes, you did. Why bring that up? Unless…no, you can't be so devious as to state your stance once more as a ruse to make me think that it is now indeed false. Yet if it were, you would be smart enough to know that I would know that you did so on purpose—"

Now she was doing it on purpose. "Just so you know, I'm also immune to iocane powder." All our talk about damsels and knights, as well as movies, and of course we'd end up on The Princess Bride. Even I've seen that one—probably for the same damsel and knight reason.

"Can't fool you," Kohaku said. "You are still not getting into this kitchen."

"Can't fool you either." I sighed.

Kohaku gave me a sympathetic look, the ends of her eyebrows curling down. "Do you want something to sleep better? We have quite a variety of different tea flavors and the like."

I waved the offer away. "Things like that don't really work on me."

"Should I hit you over the head with a mallet, then?"

"If you want to ruin a perfectly good mallet."

I think even Saber would laugh at that one, and it did earn a smile from Kohaku. "Well, then, there's always late-night comedy sketches, anime, or infomercials if you want something that will lull you to sleep." She leaned forward, hands on her hips. "So long as you do not take advantage of being alone with a girl in her bedroom."

The grin that crept up on my face probably resembled Kirei Kotomine a little too much. "I most certainly would not."

"Nor does that mean you can try and wait for me to fall asleep, then sneak back in here while I am helpless to stop you."

Damn.

True to my word, I refrained from any inappropriateness when Kohaku took me back to her room and set the television onto a random station. Every once in a while, I would glance in an obviously suspicious way toward the maid, who would meet my look with her own—like I was a parent checking on a kid attempting to steal snacks before dinner.

Or maybe I was the kid, and she was the parent.

Either way, the game continued like that for an hour, according to the clock on the screen, until Kohaku did in fact fall asleep. Manzai comedy routines did get a little old after a while, and apparently even laughter could not keep the maid from succumbing to sleep. It really didn't help me, however. Still just too much on my mind.

Even so, after another twenty minutes of waiting around doing nothing, I switched the device off. In the faint light still coming in from the hallway, I tucked Kohaku in, careful to keep from waking her. "I'll keep true to my word, like a knight, or squire, or whatever would," I said, "and I won't preempt your breakfast this morning."

I glanced over at the umbrella she'd kept all this time and shook my head. Not like I'd be the kind of knight you'd want, anyway.

Synchronized Body, Here Without, End