Later that night, I decided to go talk to Carlisle. I found him in at his desk in the study, reading an article in some medical journal, by his reading light.

… the management of emergency bleeding complications in patients with stents requires a multidisciplinary approach to balance bleeding versus ...

"Carlisle?" He looked up and smiled at the sight of me. "Can I talk to you?"

"Of course. Sit down."

I sunk down into the chair opposite him and gathered my thoughts. I didn't even really know what I wanted to talk about – just that I wanted to talk to him. Somehow, talking to Carlisle felt like the only way to make things make more sense.

"Something weird happened today."

"And what was that?"

"Well, you know how I kinda yelled at Alice after the ball and all that? Well, since then, she's basically stayed out of my sight, but today … She talked to me like it was all water under the bridge. I mean, don't get me wrong; I'm happier than anyone to not have her wrath directed at me, but isn't that weird? I mean, Alice is the most grudging person I know. Did you tell her to be nice to me? 'Cause you know I hate it when you guys tip-toe around –"

"I didn't tell her to be nice. Maybe Alice's grown more mature than you've realized, Bella. You haven't really spent that much time with either of your family members lately, you know. Apart from Jasper, of course."

I cleared my throat and shifted my gaze.

"Yeah ..."

"I heard you spent the afternoon with your brothers."

"Yeah. I did. It was … fun."

… finally, may be a turn for the better …

"That makes me very happy. Maybe you should start spending some more time with –"

"I don't get why everybody's making such a big deal out of this. It's not like I've sworn upon my mother's grave to never smile – I am still capable of having fun, you know."

"Right, of course. It's just … seeing you smile has become pretty rare these days."

I sighed and sunk deeper into the chair, rubbing my temples. This conversation … I've had it so many times by now. No matter how many times I tried to explain, it always kept coming back up, and I was getting so sick of it.

For a while, I said nothing, but couldn't help but listen to Carlisle's thoughts.

… such an intelligent girl … though I guess intelligent people are more prone to depression's … not proven by science, of course … wonder what really happened, when it all … can't even remember when you changed into … love you with all my might, Isabella, but it breaks my heart to see you this way … I know Esme prays for you at night … prays that you'll find peace … happiness … haven't got the heart to tell her that it's all up to you … must find happiness for yourself … no one else can do it for you …

"Don't you think I know that?" I said quietly. "That's what makes it so freaking hard. I wouldn't even know where to start. You can't just go out and find happiness, hidden in the back of a convenient store. Happiness …"

"Happiness is created."

"Yeah. It is. Through love and beauty and peace."

"And do you not feel loved?"

"I feel … alone."

Carlisle looked so sad all of a sudden; his sympathetic eyes glassy and pale. Sliding his fingers through his hair, he sighed dejectedly.

"Then we have failed you."

"What? No. No, it's not your fault. Carlisle, you can't blame yourself for the fact that I'm fucked up beyond measure. I was fucked up long before I even met you."

"All I ever wanted for any of you kids," he said slowly, "is that you lead a happy and free life. That's it. We could do without the money – heck, we could probably even do without the house, as long as we have each other. But I guess your needs are greater than that … If only I knew what you are missing, Bella, I would give it to you in a heartbeat."

I felt my eyeballs starting to burn, and a lump growing in my throat.

"When you say things like that, I feel like such an ungrateful brat. I love you guys … more than anything. But it's just –"

"It's not enough."

"But fuck, I wish it was, Carlisle. No one wants that more than I do."