Note: I just updated Lithium so I thought I'd go on with updating fics I hadn't touched for... years. I can't believe I left this behind since July 2010. I re-read everything from the beginning and took this occasion to correct a few typos and bad phrasing in the previous chapters.
This one's going to be finished in the next days, because I promised this to Mello_aka_Heavencat for her birthday on may 4th :)
I'm not completely happy with this chapter, it's a bit boring but it was difficult to make it less boring since it's not a very bouncy situation. I guess it will be better in the next chapter since the madness begins :)
Anyway, thank you if you're still around to read after all this time, sorry for the wait, and welcome new readers, if any!
Oh, and since this fic was the gift for the ones that had won the Death Nuts contest (another fic that you can find on my profile), I think I've put everything you've asked for in this now ^^
Matt shifted from one foot to another, feeling very uncomfortable and too scared to approach Mello's bed. The blond was still looking at him with a dark look and it was obvious that he wasn't happy with the situation at all.
Damn doctors, Matt thought, they probably filled Mello's brain with stupid ideas but he would explain and everything would be fine.
Carefully, he took a few steps and sat on the chair he had occupied these last days, beside Mello's bed.
"What is it Mello? I'm so happy that you woke up! How do you feel?" He babbled, trying to change the subject, but Mello had his mind set and wouldn't falter.
"Matt, what have you done? No, let me rephrase. I know what you've done, tell me why you did it."
The upper part of the bed was positioned so Mello could stay seated without too much effort, but trying to speak coherently and keeping his eyes focused on Matt drained the few energy he had in him.
Despite that, he was fighting to stick to his decision, although Matt's eyes were making his brain scream to stop this.
"Mello, listen... I don't know what the doctors told you but..."
"Stop. Matt, shut up. There was valium and an anaesthetic in my blood. That's just the facts Matt, the doctors just gave me fucking facts! How do you explain that there was enough to kill a horse in my blood damnit?"
Mello closed his eyes. He was already so tired...
Matt didn't know what to do. He wanted to explain but Mello wanted him to shut up, and it was contradictory enough to confuse him, so he just gaped at Mello, tears filling his eyes.
No, not the tears, Mello thought, as he opened his eyes again, not hearing anything from Matt. He would never be able to finish with this if he felt guilty...
"Matt, I don't know how to say it another way, so I'm going to be straightforward. I'm supposed to leave in four days.
During that lapse of time, I don't want to see you..."
"But Mello I..." Matt's tears were now rolling on his cheeks. Not seeing Mello for four days?
"Shut up! I don't want you to stay around, I don't want you to visit me or call me. Nothing. I have some serious thinking to do and I can't do it if you're there. I need a break."
"I'm sorry Mello, please! I won't disturb you!"
"No Matt, let me finish... I..." Mello gulped hardly. This was so hard to do! "I need to think about us, about what you have done. This is bad Matt, you went too far, and I don't know how we can get over this. I lost trust in you, you drugged me Matt! Don't you understand how wrong this is?"
"I promise I won't do it again Mello!" Matt was devastated. He felt like if the ground was opening under his feet. If Mello thought about this, then he could come to the conclusion that... No! That couldn't happen!
"Matt. Calm down." Mello could feel the lump in his throat thicken. Matt was looking at him with so much pain in his eyes that for a moment, all Mello wanted to do was put everything behind, forget that he almost got killed by Matt's crazy actions, and take him in his arms to soothe him. But he couldn't do that. Matt needed help. Mello didn't know if he had mental issues or if he simply suffered from a childhood trauma, but either way, he needed help. And the first help he could get was for Mello to put a stop to this, temporarily or not. Matt needed an electroshock to understand he went too far, because right now, the blond wasn't even sure he understood the extend of his actions.
Matt sniffled but the tears kept on falling.
"So you want me to stay home during four days... ok Mello, everything you want." the redhead decided that it was best not to upset his boyfriend further. Maybe if he complied with all of Mello's requests, he would feel more inclined to understand that Matt did all of this because he loves him. It wasn't that bad, just a little misunderstanding and Mello was obviously not in the mood to listen right now. It would be better in four days, when he would come back in their new lovely apartment, and it would even give Matt time to put everything away and decorate, so Mello wouldn't have anything to do.
"Matt, it's not only that. When I'll be out of here in four days, I..." Mello's voice broke. He was hurting himself just as much as he was about to hurt Matt at that precise moment. Better pull on the band aid in one go...
"Matt, if I'm not home in four days, then it will mean that I'm not coming back."
"But why? Where would you go?" Matt was in total denial. His mind just couldn't process such an information.
"Matt, I mean that if I'm not coming back in four days, our relationship is over." Mello was fighting back the tears, seeing Matt's face lose all of its colour. The redhead was so shocked that he couldn't even cry anymore.
"Matt..." Mello took his hand, he couldn't just stay there and do nothing. As hard as the situation was, he loved Matt, he knew that he was the love of his life and couldn't even imagine living without him. But he was scared. The Matt sat next to him wasn't in his right state of mind, there was something wrong, and he needed to at least try to fix him.
"I love you Matt. I really do love you, but you..." How do you say kindly to someone that they're batshit crazy? "You do weird things, I mean, you do things that you don't have the right to do. You drugged me, and you don't seem to understand why I'm upset about it."
"Of course I understand, but you didn't let me explain!" Matt protested, seeing his chance to explain at last, "If you'd let me explain, you'd see that I did this for you! I never meant to kill you! If I had given you more, you would never have woken and gone to the bathroom alone, and you wouldn't have drowned!"
Mello retrieved his hand. Matt didn't understand. Worse than that, Mello was now persuaded that the redhead would never stop drugging him. And even if he did stop, Mello wouldn't trust him. He couldn't live fearing his boyfriend!
"Matt, go home. We'll be set in four days."
"But if you don't come back, what will I do Mello?" Matt's voice was a bare whisper. The information had sunk in the redhead, and it was like life had left him.
"Go home." Mello repeated. Matt really needed to go now, because his own tears were threatening to fall and he knew that he would give in if it lasted any longer.
Matt stood up, grabbed his jacket, and left silently. Each step away from Mello felt like a knife stabbing him.
Once in the parking lot, he sat on the driver's seat of his car and stared at the steering wheel for long minutes.
Was it really so bad, what he had done? Well, ok, he had taken decisions without telling Mello, and drugged him so he could carry on with his plans faster, and in a safer way for Mello, but it was all out of love, so it couldn't be unforgivable.
As soon as Matt had left, Mello broke down in tears. He hated himself for doing that to Matt. He wasn't sure that it was the best option. If Matt really had some mental issues, then who knew what he could do now?
But more than that, how could he live without Matt if, in the end, the only option was to leave him? It was terrible for Matt, but it was as painful for himself...
It was way past visiting and discharge hours. Matt drove back to the apartment, washed the grim of days at Mello's side at the hospital, and went to bed, setting his phone on alarm at 6am.
He hardly found sleep, tossing and turning, nightmares filling the few moments he managed to doze off a bit.
His phone woke him up in the middle of a horrible dream and he almost screamed, lost between sleep and reality.
Getting out of bed, tired and with a growing headache, he took a few seconds to register that he was in a new apartment. He hadn't had time to accustom to the place but after rearranging, it would be much better.
He quickly swallowed a coffee and some cereals, although his stomach was still knotted by his conversation with Mello the day before, but he pushed the memory aside and began to put some order in the various cardboard boxes.
Matt kept on glancing at the clock he had freshly hung to the wall of the living room, as he walked past it with the content of the boxes, trying to put away books and various belongings. When it ticked 8am, he left and drove to the hospital. He wouldn't go against Mello's will, so it was out of the question that he entered the building, but he parked at a place where he had a full view of the entrance. There, he would see if Mello tried to go.
Of course, it was unlikely that the blond passed this door before the next Monday, but Matt wouldn't take the risk. He wanted to make sure he could follow him if he left the hospital and didn't come back home.
Matt repeated the same pattern every day. He would simply take some sleep, food, bath, regulating his schedule on the hospital's discharge hours, trying to make the apartment clean, in order, and to Mello's tastes.
Deliveries arrived to the rhythm of his online shopping and soon, the home looked cosy and well furnished, like if it had been inhabited for months. Nothing was missing: the huge HD flat screen TV, the various gaming systems, a blue ray player, several laptops, shelves full of books...
Matt smiled, when he was about to live. It was Monday, and he was completely satisfied with how the apartment turned out. Mello would love it. He had even bought some magazines that the blond may like, and spread them neatly on the coffee table. The apartment almost looked like a picture in a decoration magazine.
Ok, he had to talk Mello into coming back, if his boyfriend decided he wouldn't, because it wasn't serious, Mello wouldn't really leave and would be easily convinced. Matt would apologize, promise anything Mello wanted him to promise, do everything he wanted him to, whatever it took to have him back, and Mello would kiss him and it would be forgotten.
Grabbing his keys, he locked the door and called the elevator.
Mello was waiting, sat in his bed. He had recovered his strength and the doctors didn't oppose him leaving today. To tell the truth, he had hoped that he could stay longer here. He hadn't made a decision concerning Matt. Or, to tell the truth, he knew that the right decision was to end their relationship before Matt killed him for good, but he knew that his feet would walk him straight back to him. But his bed was needed, he couldn't occupy it any longer, and even trying to convince the doctors that he didn't feel good enough to leave didn't work.
So he was just waiting for the doctor to come for the last check up before he could sign the discharge and leave.
He had tortured his mind, his heart, he had been unable to sleep properly, seeing Matt's devastated expression each time he closed his eyes. God, how much he loved the redhead... but how could he accept to go on like this?
Maybe, if he talked to him today, Matt would show him that he had understood, and they could just go back to normal. But if Matt hadn't realised the bad he had done by the time, then Mello knew perfectly well that facing his boyfriend, seeing him, he would still stay with the psycho he was, knowing it could cost him his life.
The worst in all this was that he didn't even fear to die, he just couldn't imagine leaving the redhead on his own without anyone to take care of him.
But if he left him for good, never coming back today, then it would be all the same...
In the end, as the doctor finally came in his room, Mello didn't have a single clue as to what he would do.