It's the first school day back from vacation.
I don't even think I slept last night.
I've been just been drifting in and out of sleep.
I really wanna pick up the phone and call Spencer just to hear her voice but I want her to get her sleep.
God, this is torture.
Spending that week with Spencer was amazing but as soon as I landed back here it was like a weight was back on my shoulders.
I just really wanna be with my girlfriend right now.
That's all I want.
I glance at my phone and see that it's only 4:30 AM.
I hug my pillow tighter and will myself to go to sleep.
And not to cry.
–
6:00 AM.
..
..
6:01 AM.
I've just been staring at my clock.
Jesus, I'm a mess.
At least I got a couple of hours of sleep in.
Maybe taking a shower will help.
I sluggishly get up from my bed and head to the bathroom.
Hopefully when I'm done my mood will be a little bit better.
–
The shower didn't help.
I'm all dressed up laying back in my bed.
First I thought I should go over my school work but then I realized that we really didn't have shit due during the vacation.
So now I'm laying in the bed staring up at the ceiling.
I don't even know what time it is but I hear my family getting ready for their days.
Maybe coffee will help my mood...
"Morning Ash. I'm shocked to see you're awake so early." My mom greets me once she saw me walking into the kitchen.
I gave her a tight lip smile which probably looks sad as shit as I make my self a cup of coffee.
"Are you excited to go back to school?" She asks sipping her own cup of coffee.
Did she really ask me that?
Like is she serious right now?
From the scale of one to child abuse how bad would I get my ass kicked if I cursed my mom out right now for asking me such a dumb ass question?
But instead I glared at my coffee and ignored her question.
"It'll be okay Ashley." My mom rubs my back as she passes by me and kisses me on my forehead.
I physically deflate after I exhale, while still staring at my coffee.
I wipe a stray tear that fell from my eyes and took a deep breath.
I lift my arm and take a sip of coffee which somehow became just a heavy task to do.
My phone vibrating in front of me startles me and almost makes me drop my coffee.
Spencer?!
I pick my phone and see it's a text from Emily.
Sigh.
'Thanks for texting us when you landed. Liar. You want a ride or...'
I really don't wanna deal with this.
'I'll meet you at school.' I text back.
'Lame. I'll see you at school then loser.' Emily replies not even a second after.
Today is gonna be great...
–
I arrive at school as late as possible to avoid Emily and Katie.
I took opposite routes to I don't have to see them.
I'm surprised I stayed awake during my classes.
I literally feel like a walking zombie right now.
Emily caught up with me right before lunch at my locker.
"I know you're not avoiding us." She says leaning on the locker next to mine.
Sigh.
"I'm not." I respond, closing my locker softly.
"Jeez, you look like death." Emily says once I turn around and face her.
"I'll talk to you later okay.." I already made up my mind that I'm gonna go home during lunch and just be a depressed mess in my own home.
"Ash wait. Come on, let's just skip the rest of the day." She pleads.
"Okay Fine.." I don't even have the strength to argue right now.
–
After picking up something to eat at Subway we drove in our separate cars back to Emily's house.
We ate in silence with the TV as background noise.
I can tell from the corner of my eye Emily keeps looking at me like she wants to say something but at the same time she doesn't know what to say.
I wanna apologize for my mood.
I really do but... the version of me in my head shrugs.
All I wanted to do was to go home and lay in the bed.
I didn't ask to be dragged out.
I'm not in the mod for company.
"So...um..." She starts off. "I know this is gonna be weird but I really am sorry for coming on strong and almost.. um... you know.. almost kissing you, knowing you're with Spen..."
She thinks that's why I'm acting like this?
"Hey, listen it's fine." I shake my head to clear my thoughts. That's not what I wanted to say. "I mean it's not fine but..." I say laughing lightly. "...I mean, I was totally flirting back so I probably gave you mixed signals or whatever."
"Oh you so were!" She interjects.
I roll my eyes at my friend for interrupting me. "As I was saying, I don't want things to be weird between us. You're my friend. Shit, you and Katie are my only friends here and I don't wanna mess it up. I told Spencer about it.."
"You what?!" She interrupts me again with a shocked look on her face.
"I mean I blurted it out but I would never keep something like that from her. I love her but anyways um what was I saying? Yeah... I don't want things to get weird so... just stop hitting on me okay."
"Oh fuck you!" She says throwing a balled up napkin at me.. "You said yourself that you were flirting back."
"I don't know what you're referring to." I say laughing and taking a bite out of my sandwich.
"Riiight. So how's the Mrs.?" She asks, taking a bite out of her sandwich.
"She's great." I reply and for the first time since I woke up I have a smile on my face. "We really needed that time, you know?"
Oh Spencer.
I love that bitch.
"Oh look at you.. Musta had alotta sex to make up for, huh?" My friend asks complete with a double eyebrow raise like a true perv.
"You can say that." I took the last bite of my sandwich and I ball up the wrapper. "I fucking miss her.' I say already back in my depressed mood.
Oh hello my name is Ashley and I'm a bipolar bitch today.
"I can see that. You'll see each other again soon Ash don't worry about it too much." She says reassuring me.
"Yeah I know it's just... ugh!" I say huffing and puffing. Yeah I ran out of words. "Let's talk about something else..." I say to my friend who's looking at me like I'm crazy.
"Okay..." Emily says dragging out the word. "Thanksgiving break sucked. My whole damn family was here asking me when I'm gonna bring a boyfriend around. I'm like yo listen I like pussy okay! Chill the entire fuck out. I will never bring a guy to this shit!" She says acting it out with hand gestures and all.
"Oh I'm sure that's a direct quote too, huh?"
"Yup, word for word." She says with a straight face. "But Katie though..."
"I know you whores aren't talking about me behind my back! I know that's not what you bitches are fucking doing right now? Not only did I find out you ditched my ass at lunch but now you're talking shit?" Katie says bursting in to the living room in true Katie fashion. "Hey ash." She says giving me a one arm hug. "Missed you hoe." She sits next to Emily snatching her other half of the sandwich.
"It's great to be back, huh?" Emily says laughing.
"How dare you hoes skip and not invite me." She says taking a seat on the chair across from us taking a bite from the sandwich she just swiped from Emily.
"Sorry." I say and fake a smile.
"Right." She rolls her eyes at me. "If you wanna Emily all to yourself today that's-"
"Nope." Emily cuts her off shaking her head. "Don't start that shit Katie." Emily says sternly to our friend.
Katie shrugs and takes another bite from her sandwich as someone phone starts ringing.
"Not me." Emily says, picking up phone up from the table.
"Not mine." I say looking at my phone.
"Ugh." Katie groans and grabs her phone from her bag off the table. "Hello." She answers in an annoyed tone. What's up with her right now. "No Jodi, I can't right now." Uh-oh, trouble in paradise...
"They've been fighting like crazy." Emily leans over and tells me.
"Cause I'm busy. Look I'll call you back when I'm done here." Katie says in a crude tone and hangs up the phone. I could hear someone still yelling when she took the phone from her ear so I know Jodi wasn't done talking.
"You were so in love when I left." I say to Katie once she puts her phone back on the table.
"Yeah." She shrugs and takes another bite her sandwich. "Bitch got needy." She adds.
–
"Ashley if I have to tell you to get up again and do your chores..." My mom says peeking her head into my room.
"Ugh!" I groan out but don't get up. This has been the theme all week. I come home from school and come straight to my room. I talk to Spencer for a little while then she gets busy with you know...life...and I just lay here listening to sad music to drown my sorrows.
"Ashley Davies if you don't-"
"I'm coming mom!" I snap and immediately regret it. But to my surprise my mother doesn't beat the shit out of me.
"Ashley." She says, coming in my room sitting down on the bed. "I know that you're missing Spencer, and I know that this move has been the hardest on you, but being angry and depressed all the time isn't going to change anything."
"Why can't I just go back and live there by myself?" I ask, looking up at her.
"Because you're sixteen years old." She says and sighs.
"But-"
"No Ashley what you're asking is out of the question. And quite selfish of you to ask. How do you think that would make your father and I feel if we were to just let you up and move to Los Angeles and Ashton...what about him? He adores you and looks up to you Ashley.
"I'm not happy here." I say sitting up. "I will never be happy here."
"I thought that you'd made new friends and the distance was becoming bearable?" She asks and I shake my head.
"Emily and Katie are great, they're good friends to me mom. But neither of them are Spencer. I love her and I need to be with her, not a million miles away from her."
"I understand what you're saying, but I won't condone my only daughter moving across the country, away from her fam-"
"Spencer is my family mom." I say, a little louder than intended. I can tell that it kind of hurt her feelings. "I love you, dad and Ashton mom you know that, but I will never ever be happy here. Not without her." I say finally and she gets up from my bed with a look I can't read and wordlessly walks out of my room.
I know that I just hurt my mom's feelings but she needed to hear the truth. I will never be happy this far away from Spencer.