Fix You Chapter 23, a twilight fanfic

Hey guys, I'm so sorry about the slow update! I was having trouble getting what I invisioned for the chapter, put down into actual words, and this is an important chapter. Now, I also have something important that I need to say, so I'm asking you to please read the following...I know it's a ridiculously long AN, but it needs to be said, so please bear with me.

I LOVE that some of you are so passionate about this story, and what's going on with the characters. It truly means so much to me. Some of you are Bella fans all around, and others, you're mostly Edward fans...there's even some Jacob fans reading this story. And with this story...obviously, all the characters are going through ups and downs, and we all feel for them [maybe not Jacob in all cases, but you guys know what I mean]. But even if your loyalties lie solely with Edward, and you're an Edward fan all around, and maybe even you're reading this story purely for him...there's something some of you need to understand. This story is NOT about picking apart situations, where you feel the other character should have treated the other better. This story isn't about...things being perfect, and fluffy. I've tried really hard to keep things as realistic as possible in everyone's reactions, both physically and emotionally. The truth is...rape, and its aftermath is painful, and difficult, and messy, and horrific, and...the pain doesn't just last during the actual rape, or for however long the physical bruises/scars are there. There's so much to consider with how it also affects someone emotionally, and how it affects those that love them. We all know that Edward loves Bella, entirely and completely...but you need to remember that, Bella feels the same way about Edward. Right now, she's scared, broken, and lost, and is feeling VERY low about herself, and thinks she's nothing - that she's gross and dirty, and doesn't deserve Edward. We know she wants to be with Edward, and she wants things to be how they were...to hug him, kiss him, or just...be held by him, but she's basically battling an internal war. She wants those things, but her body and mind are warring against her. She wants his touch, but it also terrifies her, because all she can think of is Jacob, and what he did. Her emotions are all over the place, which is normal...and Edward understands that. She's not treating him unfairly, or as though he's a puppet, or disposable. She's distraught, and confused, and she's constantly fighting against herself, and also dealing with major self-worth issues. Edward understands that, and some of you need to as well. Just like there's also a few of you that need to understand that many rapists also think/feel/claim they didn't do anything wrong...but that doesn't mean that the rape victim is suddenly lying, either. And it's thoughts like that, that also cause a lot of women [and men] to not report a rape, in fear of no one believing them. I know this story is a work of fiction, but like I said...I'm trying to keep everything - every emotion, reaction, physical reactions and pains, and even thoughts - as realistic as possible. This is a real subject, and a real issue. It's not about Edward or Bella being right or wrong with their words/actions...it's about them learning how to deal with what happened, and get through it, both individually and together. I'm sorry if this whole speech seems preachy in any way, guys, but this is an important subject, and it's unsettling to see some of you being so harsh towards Bella in Edward's defense, because there's no "right" reaction to something like this...it's a leaning proccess for both of them. Bella can't control what triggers her flashbacks, and during/after a flashback...you don't have much control of yourself. It's all automatic reactions, it's not about thoughts or control. So just stick with me, guys, and remember that there's so many different factors to consider when you're trying to understand all of these characters reactions/responses to things, okay? Please know that this is in no way an attack, either, and that I'm just trying to help you to better understand the situation, and understand other character's reactions and thoughts. And if you read through all of that...thank you for sticking with me, and now please continue reading, where you'll finally get to see Jake's side of things.

Feenrai beta'd this super quick for me [and you], so a huge thank you to her.

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight.

Previously:

Jacob showed up at the Swan residence, where he found Bella alone. This is his side of things now.

Chapter 23

Jacob's POV

"Finally..." I breathed out in relief.

For the first time, none of the Cullens were with her. She was finally alone. I could finally see her.

I groaned. God, it had been a while since I had got to see her...got to see her beautiful face and smile, and just got to be near her. I've missed her. The memory of us making love still brings a smile to my face, even weeks later. She was so gorgeous - so perfect, even though she was acting a bit weird when I took her home. But that's exactly why I haven't been able to see her since then.

Them. Always getting in the way. I knew they wouldn't let me near her once he found out. And obviously, he found out, since he (or Charlie) got my butt dragged into the police station on some ridiculous claims.

So when I finally saw her come home, alone, I waited, and watched for a couple of minutes. I wanted to be sure none of the blood suckers would come after her, after all.

When the coast was still clear, I made my way across the street from within the woods. I knocked quickly, wanting to get inside before anyone spotted me. When there was still no answer, I knocked again, in case she hadn't heard me. I was becoming more fidgety, but then the door finally swung open as she started grumbling.

I didn't hear what she said, though. I was too distracted looking at her. She looked different. Definitely upset, but...thinner and tired, as well. And it was when I was noticing these things about her, and flashed her a huge smile in relief at finally getting to see her again...that I noticed that she looked scared.

Was she worried they would catch me here?

Her gaze flickered around nervously, until she let out a sob. My smile fell. Was she really this nervous about us being caught together? Or was she scared of what they might do to her if they found out? My mind swirled with all the reasons for why she would be acting like this, but I was coming up blank.

"Geez, Bells. What's with you? You look like you're scared as hell right now," I muttered, starting to worry about what was wrong with her.

As soon as I asked the question, she started to shake. I couldn't figure out what would cause her to act like this. She really, truly looked scared, so I quickly stepped inside, and shut door behind me. I went to take a step towards her, to hug her, or comfort her...anything to get that scared look off her face. But as soon as I took a step towards her, she took a big step away from me.

I looked at her, trying to figure out what her problem was. Why was she backing away? So with my eyes on her, I took another two steps towards her, only to get the same reaction from her.

"What the hell, Bella?" I asked, completely frustrated now.

"Wh-what are you do-doing here, Jacob?" Even her voice was off.

I rolled my eyes, because it was an obvious answer. Why else would I be here? "I'm here to see you."

I was hoping my answer would have calmed her down, or at least softened her up with this whole backing away from me thing, but as soon as I took another step towards her, she backed away again.

This was just getting frustrating. She wasn't being herself, and she just seemed so scared. Her fear only seemed to increase when her back hit the wall. I was happy she at least couldn't keep trying to back up, but she looked terrified as hell for some reason. Her eyes were shifting all over the place, and she was still shaking. I wanted to find out what was going on, and comfort her, so I tried to get a bit closer to her.

Again, however, as soon as she saw me move, her voice stopped me in my tracks.

"Please don't," she whispered, causing me to look at her, at her face, and try to figure out what was going on. She sounded scared. Desperate. Frantic. Obviously about to cry.

She was seriously acting like she was scared of me...but she knows I wouldn't hurt her. She knows I love her, so why was she acting like this? I didn't know what was going on, but I wanted answers. Now.

"What the hell has gotten into you, Bella? You really think I would hurt you?" I asked her, totally dumbfounded. "You're being just as weird as Charlie, and I think he's even gotten to my dad lately." I shook my head, completely irritated at this point. "As if I would ever hurt you," I muttered absent-mindedly.

"Jake, son...what happened between you and Bella the other night? Did things get out of hand? Did you...rape her?" Dad asked. He looked genuinely worried now.

He had asked me similar questions for days now, ever since I got called into the station for questioning. Every time, I told him the same thing: I would never do that to Bella, and that I didn't know why the hell I was even accused of that.

He had always been on my side, defending me, and knowing I would never do that. I've heard him talking - or should I say, fighting - with Charlie a few times now, and it's always ended with yelling. But the last few days, he seemed to be questioning me - doubting me - like he actually thought I was capable of something like this!

"I told you, Dad," I bit out. "Bella and I slept together, but I did NOT rape her. We made love. I had just told her I love her," I ground out. I was past being embarrassed about informing him that Bella and I had made love. I had to repeat it so many times, to the point that now it doesn't bother me.

"I want you to think about it for a minute, Jake. Just...take a minute, and think about it. Was Bella happy with what was going on between you two? Was she happy about being with you like that?"

"You already did." Bella's dead, monotone and quiet voice brought me back to the present. She sounded completely sure of what she was saying, leaving no room to doubt her.

But I couldn't help but question it. I could feel my face contort in confusion, trying to figure out what she could be talking about. How could she think I hurt her? After a minute, I shook my head, still not able to come up with anything.

I just wanted to make her feel better, to get rid of that horribly sad, scared look on her face. It upset me to even think that she thought I had hurt her. I reached for her, wanting to hold her hand - wanting any contact with her, even if it was minimal. The second my finger so much as even touched her, though, she whipped back into the wall, hitting her arm and head.

I winced, knowing by the loud sound of it that it had to have hurt.

"Don't touch me..." she spoke so quietly, I might not have heard her if I wasn't already focused on her. This wasn't my Bella. None of this behavior was my Bella. She was shaking, barely breathing, and seemed scared of even talking to me. This was such a contrast to the girl I knew, who wouldn't even hesitate to hurl insults at me, but now seemed scared to even have me around. It didn't make sense, unless...

"Wha-" I cut myself off, trying to gather my thoughts, "did one of those leeches mess with your head or something, Bella?" I asked harshly, finally realizing they must have done something. "You're not making any sense. How did I hurt you? You're acting all scare- wait, did that blood sucker do something to hurt you? Are you hurt?" I asked frantically, trying to scan her for any visible signs of injury, and seeing none. Treaty or not, I would go after those monsters if they had harmed her in the slightest.

Bella let out a little whimper, and I looked her over again. "God, you're shaking," I mumbled, seeing her tiny body quake with fear. They must have done something to her - look at how she's acting after I asked her if they hurt her! I didn't know what they did, but whatever it was, I would make them pay for hurting her.

I couldn't stand to see the pain and fear on her face, and wanted to sooth it, to sooth her. I wanted to hug her, to hold her, but as soon as I so much as even moved a muscle to even try -

"Don't touch me!" she screamed as loud as she could.

I looked at her face, covered in tears, with her bottom lip trembling. Her eyes - they looked frighteningly empty, aside from the flash of fear burning heavily within them.

I staggered back, shocked and a little hurt that she would react that way. Honestly, she was starting to freak me out with how she was acting. There was something seriously wrong here...

"You're really starting to scare me here, Bells." I spoke quietly, softly. I was hoping I could calm her down, if I stayed calm and made my voice quiet and soothing. "Did Cullen do something to you? Or one of the others?" A little bit of anger leaked into my tone, unable to stop the hate from exposing itself at the thought of what they might have done to her.

I don't know if my plan to calm her was working, but it was obvious that what I said had some kind of affect on her.

She squared her shoulders a bit, and even though she still wouldn't look my in the eye, I saw her chin jut out defiantly, the same way it always did when she was about to fight me on something.

"They did not hurt me. They would never do anything to hurt me," she emphasized this, before saying the words that twisted the knife in my heart: "unlike you." She said the words with such disgust, and possibly even hate.

But that couldn't be true. There's no way, and she knows that! I mauled over her words for a minute, trying to figure out her irrational logic, but I couldn't. There was no way she could mean that. I haven't even been around her, due to them!

I could feel myself getting a little defensive, and my eyes narrowed in on her, wanting answers.

"You think I hurt you, Bells? I've barely seen you in weeks! Not since we made love..." I trailed off, possibly realizing what she could be mad at me about. "Oh crap, is that how I hurt you? Because I haven't called or been around since then?" I asked gently. "The reason I didn't come by was because one of them has always been around, and I wanted to get to talk to you - alone. I knew they would be mad that you and I had been together," I explained gently, hoping she would understand my side, and that she would stop looking so sad.

It was true...I knew they would be pissed, and at first, I knew if I went anywhere near her, and the mind reader was around, that if he didn't already know, my thoughts would definitely give it away. But then after getting called into the station, I knew they knew...but I also knew he'd try to rip me from limb to limb, and to be honest...after getting hauled to the station under those false charges, probably due to him, I didn't think I'd be able to keep myself from ripping him to pieces, either. It was best, and less stressful for Bella, if I waited until I could see her while she was alone. I just hoped she would understand that.

Apparently, she didn't. Her mouth popped open in surprise. Her next words made my mouth want to hang open in surprise.

"You - you staying away...that didn't hurt me," she spat, "that was a blessing! You want to know how you hurt me?" she laughed harshly, clearly not amused.

She stayed silent a moment, while I tried to ignore the twinge of hurt in my chest from her words. Within seconds, her face contorted into a look of pure rage, and her voice screeched out.

"YOU RAPED ME!"

Everything stood still. I simply stared at her, not blinking, not even breathing for a second. I knew I was staring at her, but I couldn't seem to see her, aside from recognizing that she now seemed completely panicked, and entirely silent. For the first time, my mind finally absorbed the fact that she really did seem to be afraid...of me.

I wanted to speak, but the words wouldn't come out, even though I could feel my mouth moving. I took another breath, and finally forced out some sound.

"Ho- wha- I..." Okay, there was sound, but nothing that actually made sense. I was getting frustrated - so frustrated - at my lack of words, and at the fact that she truly believed that. We had made love, and it was passionate, and loving, and at times tender.

I kissed her. I finally did it. I kissed her perfect, full lips. Now that I had, I couldn't hold back. I was trying to put every bit of my emotion into that one kiss, hoping she would finally understand my feelings for her.

I gripped the back of her neck, wanting to pull her lips, and her body closer to me. I wanted to feel her against me. I couldn't seem to get her close enough.

At first, she fought against the kiss, trying to push me away, probably conflicted because of her blood sucker...but then she stopped, and her lips were soft and pliant against mine. I quickly allowed my tongue to slide along hers. I could feel myself desperately needing a breath, but I tried to ignore the urge. Her lips on mine, her body against mine...was so much better than oxygen.

She stood still for a while, aside from her lips working against mine, but soon I could feel her hands on me. On my arms, my chest...anywhere she could reach. She finally seemed to be getting fully into the kiss, and feeling that same passion that I was feeling.

She even started to call out my name when I started to lay kisses on her neck, clearly enjoying what my lips and tongue were doing to her. I think I even heard her yell out "don't stop," while her hands kept roaming my body. She didn't have to worry about me stopping, though. I was enjoying her and this new nearness between us too much to stop, now that she was also enjoying herself. The only way I would stop is if she told me to, but based on her words and actions, she definitely didn't want me to.

And as amazing as her mouth and neck were, I wanted to explore more of her, to feel more of her. I still just couldn't seem to get her close enough, as I hugged her to my chest tightly, while my other hand began to massage her denim clad thigh. She really seemed to like that, judging by all the little noises she was making - gasping and panting.

Bella had wanted to be with me. She only fought against the kiss for a minute, and then she was fine. Then she was enjoying it, enjoying me.

"What?" I asked harshly, thinking I must not have heard her right. That night was so beautiful, so special, and she had wanted it - wanted me - there's no way I heard her right.

But as soon as the word left my mouth, she jumped, and seemed to try to disappear into the wall. I had scared her, again, somehow, and I hated myself for it. I could feel my shoulders slump forward, as the sadness of her words and the situation set in. She honestly believed that I did that. She thought that the night I've felt was so precious, was something so horrible. She sincerely believed that I was capable of hurting her like that, and she obviously doesn't understand how much I love her.

"You...you think I...raped you?" I could barely get those vile words out of my mouth. They hurt me to even say it, let alone think aobut the fact that she thought it.

Instead of an answer, I was met with a heavy silence. I could hear her harsh breathing, and my own. The silence was killing me. In a way, that silence gave me more of an answer than her words could. She believed it, without a single doubt. That alone made my chest hurt.

"You - you believe all that crap?" I asked her, needing to hear the words now. "I know the cops questioned me, when I saw you that day, outside the station..." I mumbled. "But you know the truth, Bella. I thought - I thought Cullen, that he pushed you to make those claims because he found out we slept together, and he was angry, or that maybe - maybe Charlie found out somehow and filed the report because he misunderstood what really happened, and was just trying to be...protective," I rambled, and explained, hoping to get through to her.

I stared at her, waiting for some kind of answer. She didn't say anything at first, but I could see that same determined and defiant tilt of her chin, before she finally spoke.

"You raped me," she said slowly, carefully. And as those words left her mouth, this time very deliberately...I could see something in her expression break. Something very real.

I thought back to that night again, and my fathers words also came back to me.

"Was Bella happy with what was going on between you two? Was she happy about being with you like that?"

But she was. She did. She enjoyed it. She only fought against it for a minute, just for a minute, when I first kissed her, and then...then she stopped...

I wouldn't have done that. I couldn't have done that. Could I?

"No..." I whispered, as I stepped away from her slightly. I shook my head, not believing it - not wanting to believe it.

But she believed it, and what she did next only further proved it.

"Stop! Stop it! Stop lying!" she screamed shakily, before a large sob erupted from her little body. She had tears streaking down her cheeks, as she again seemed to try and disappear into the wall, and her breathing got louder.

I looked at her, really looked at her, seeing every little detail. How pale she was, even more so than usual. How sad she looked, and how scared. How scared of me she was. The dark circles under her eyes. Even her body seemed even smaller, thinner.

Could I...could I have done that to her? Could she be right?

Was Bella happy with what was going on between you two? Was she happy about being with you like that?

I could feel my memory trying to conjure up every minute, and every detail of that night. I was desperately hoping that all of this was some kind of misunderstanding, or mistake.

But something at the back of my mind was nagging me, making me look at what happened again and again. I could feel that something was off. Something just wasn't quite...right.

And then it hit me, hard and fast, the memories unrelenting.

"Don't stop," she had begged in passion. I could hear the words reverberating in my mind. "Please."

Please.

Her hands were on me, touching me, caressing me, loving me.

Don't stop.

I could hear her moaning, and gasping in pleasure as my lips explored her neck.

Jake.

She was calling out my name, almost as a plea. I could feel her body shaking with need beneath me.

No. Don't stop.

I didn't want to stop, with how responsive she was to my every touch, every kiss.

Please.

Desperate. the word sounded desperate, and I could feel the nagging feeling again, pushing and fighting to remind me of something, even as I remembered her hands exploring my face, and touching my lips.

Please, don't! Jake!

Her hands were back on my chest, feeling and...shoving me? Was she pushing me? She had been saying don't stop...she had been saying - why were her words different then?

Jake! Stop! No!

My name falling from her lips in ecstacy suddenly started to sound desperate and terrified. Her beautiful face was suddenly covered in tears, and contorted in fear. And her small little hands that were exploring my body, were suddenly pushing me away. Her cries of pleasure, the same cries I had heard in my mind over and over in that night...suddenly weren't cries of pleasure at all. They were filled with terrified desperation, and anguish.

I felt faint, and couldn't seem to stay upright. My legs shook, and I felt myself reeling backwards, the same way I could feel myself reeling at the realization of what had happened.

She had said no. She said no.

I only blinked when my back thunked into something solid behind me, before I found myself sitting on the floor all of a sudden.

I couldn't think. I felt like I couldn't even breathe properly. I let my head fall into my hands, hoping the physical support of my hands would help get my mind to stop reeling, and my thoughts to stop spinning.

"How?" I wasn't sure if I was speaking out loud, or in my head. "How...how could I... I couldn't have - could I? I love her. I love her, I couldn't have done that. I wouldn't have done that. Not to her. Not to anyone."

But she had said no, she had said stop. And I didn't stop. I had...touched her, and kissed her, and everything else. Against her will.

"I don't...I don't understand...how..."

A sound in the room focused my thoughts for a second, and it took me a minute to realize why it was familiar. The sound had been a heart broken sob coming from Bella, the same kind of sob that I now remember coming from her that night. She was crying, and she was scared...of me.

"I didn't - I just...no. Not possible. It's not possible," I let out a shuddering breath, and could feel myself shaking my head, in both confusion and denial. I let my hands drop, needing to see her, to hear her answer when I spoke. I needed to know what she believed. I needed to know if there was any hope - any chance, that this was all some sick joke, or mistake, or...something, anything. "Bella," I spoke softly, seeing that she was scared and refusing to look at me. I think she was also shaking. "I...I didn't. I couldn't... Do you - is that really how you think of what happened?" I could barely get the words out, as they came out so quietly. I was afraid to say them. As much as I desperately needed to hear her answer, I was also terrified of it.

"It is what happened," her broken voice whispered.

As soon as the words left her mouth, I could feel the tears building in my eyes. I clung to my legs, pulling them tight against me, while hoping that hanging onto something would keep me sane.

This couldn't be happening. I couldn't have done this. I couldn't have done that to her. How could this be true?

I had wanted her so badly, and wanted her to see, and feel, and finally understand how much I cared about her - how much I loved her. I had thought it was this beautiful, special night between us. I thought she had wanted me, wanted this, and us...but she didn't, and I...I didn't see that, somehow. I was so caught up in her, in my love for her, and the hope that she would want me, too, finally.

I was vaguely aware that I was making noise. I was crying, loudly. On any other day, or any other moment, I might have been embarrassed about crying like this, but right now, all I could think about was Bella. What I had done to her.

I had been so stupid, and so caught up in that...that fantasy, that I was oblivious to anything else. So oblivious to reality that I...I raped her. I raped her.

Oh my God, what have I done?

"I didn't...I didn't...oh, God. Bella..."

I had to see her. I had to see her, even though every tiny glimpse caused me intense physical pain. With new eyes, I took in her weight loss. Her tired eyes. Her uncharacteristicaly straight hair. Her fear. I was the cause of all of that. I couldn't look at her for more than a second or two at a time, the pain and shame were too unbearable.

I could feel the urge to vomit growing more intense, the more I remembered and thought about what I had done. The more I heard the same sobbing coming from her, the same way she had that night. Her pained and scared face was haunting my every single thought.

I spoke the only words I could think to say, despite how inadequate I knew they were.

"I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry..." I knew the words wouldn't change anything, or wouldn't erase what I did, but it was the truth, and I couldn't seem to stop myself from saying it, over and over again. It was the only thing I was clinging to, that single phrase. It was the only thing keeping me sane.

Shortly after, that sanity was threatened by an unpleasant scent: vampire.

I should have known it was only a matter of time before they showed up. As it was, I wasn't even sure how long I had already been in the house. I knew it wouldn't end well if I was still here when he, or even they, showed up. I had to get out of there, because in the brief moment of panic at the realization of their close proximity, I also had a moment of clarity.

I took one more quick look at Bella, who was still pressed against the wall, before I jumped up. I should have thought that out a bit better, despite only having a few seconds to spare (from what I could tell), because Bella screamed again as soon as I moved. I hadn't mean to scare her...again...

"I'm sorry..." I told her softly, hoping I wouldn't scare her even more, and also hoping that those words could somehow magically fix things.

Knowing that they couldn't, and smelling the putrid vampire scent getting stronger, I ran for the door, letting it slam behind me.

I knew what I needed to do.

x-x-x

After I ran home, I stood in front of the door to the house, unmoving and trying to catch my breath. I ran the entire way, because I couldn't stand the thought of the others possibly getting a glimpse of what was going on inside my head. I couldn't bear to have them physically see what I had done to Bella.

I had avoided phasing ever since that night between Bella and I. Originally, it was because I couldn't get her, and what I once thought was an amazing night, out of my mind. It just kept replaying over and over in my mind. The idea of phasing, and all of the guys, especially the more rowdy and crude guys, being able to see Bella that way, and to see what had happened between us...I just couldn't bring myself to expose her and our moment like that.

They hadn't needed me for anything, anyway, so it wasn't really necessary. I just knew that almost every thought was consumed by Bella, and that night, and...ironically, I had been trying to be somewhat of a gentleman. I was trying to do right by Bella, by waiting until I could control myself, and my thoughts a bit better, before exposing every single thought to the pack. The less they knew and saw of that night with Bella, the better. It was too private, and too personal. I hadn't wanted them to know.

A while back, they had asked me if I had done it - if I had raped her, and I told them no. At the time, I believed that to be true. I was pissed that they would even ask me, or that they would even think I could do that to her - they knew my thoughts, they knew how much I loved her.

Now I realize the only person who was wrong, and who I was pissed off with...was me. For doing that to Bella. For not even realizing that I had done that to Bella. There were so many things I should have noticed, and so many things that I should have done differently. All of that was too late now, though. There was only one thing left that I could possibly do.

I looked back at the door, the paint slightly chipped and needing some fresh paint. I just hoped that Billy would be able to find someone to do that for him.

I knew I needed to talk to him, and I would. But at this very second, I couldn't face him just yet. I just needed another minute. Without much thought, I turned and went to the garage.

Stepping inside, I was overwhelmed by all the memories. Bella and I working on homework. Bella talking to me while I worked on the bikes. Bella learning to help fix the bikes. Our arguments about age.

I could see it all. Every sweet, or special memory...now tarnished by what I had done. I had taken what was sweet, and innocent about our relationship, and unknowingly turned it into something vile and horrid.

At that moment, I wished I could shed my skin. I felt disgusting, and hated every single part of myself. Knowing the truth about that night was making my skin crawl.

Was I really that narrow minded and stupid that I couldn't notice all the signs, and see that she had been saying no? Was I really that blinded by my own wants and needs, that I was oblivious to her's?

Her voice pleading "no," and "stop," kept playing on repeat in my mind. Every single time I heard it in my mind, everything in me would ache, and shudder.

I deserved it, though. I know I did. So I allowed myself to keep listening to the memory of her saying those words, and making me remember every single torturous second of what I had done to her, until I felt the bile rise up my throat.

I ran just outside the garage, just in time to spill the contents of my stomach. I could feel myself heaving afterward, even though my stomach was empty. And with every painful, heaved breath, all I could think was: I deserve this.

After my body finally settled somewhat, I knew it was time to do what I had come here to do.

I went to the house, and easily let myself inside the door. I didn't see him anywhere, but that didn't necessarily mean he wasn't home. I just prayed that he would be home, because I needed to do this, now.

"Dad?" I called out.

I heard movement from down the hall, before I saw him wheeling himself into the living room.

"Hey, Ja-" he had a big smile on his face, until he saw me. "What's wrong, son?" His tone was now serious, and so was his expression.

I took a deep breath. It was now or never.

"I came to say goodbye," I explained, my tone mostly even. Truth be told, it was shaking a bit, even though I was sure of this, and knew that I had to do it.

"What?" he sounded alarmed, as he wheeled himself closer to where I stood. "What are you talking about?" he demanded.

"I'm going to be...gone for a while. You deserved to get a proper goodbye first, though." I stood there awkwardly, even though it was rare for me to feel uncomfortable in my dad's presence.

He shook his head, and his expression hardened. "What's this about, Jacob?"

"I did it," I forced out, hating what I was about to say.

Only confusion was visible on his face. He opened his mouth to speak, but I continued before he could.

"I raped her." I said it as a statement. A horrific fact.

So many people had questioned me, and asked me if I had done it. Over and over, I had told them no. I was adamant. I was positive. Now...now I've finally seen the truth, and even though I was positive then that I hadn't raped her...I was now positive that I had. My tone left no room for question.

He opened and closed his mouth a few times, and just stared at me for a minute.

"You...you raped her?" his voice was unsure, as he wheeled himself even closer, so he was right in front of me now.

I just nodded. I couldn't bear to say the words again. Telling him once already filled me with such immense shame. He had asked me about what happened, again and again, and every time, I would look him in the eye, and say no, I didn't do it. And despite his questioning, every time I told him I didn't do it, he would take my word, until his next fight with Charlie, where he would ask again, to be sure. Only for me to tell him now that I had been wrong all along, and that I really had done that to her.

"How- but you -" he took a breath before continuing, "you kept saying you hadn't raped her," he pointed out, gazing at me intently.

I sighed, trying to figure out a way to explain my mess of thoughts. "At the time...I didn't think I had. I believed I hadn't. I thought," I stopped, and looked for the right words. "I thought that it was consensual," I explained. Keeping my wording more...clinical seemed to make getting the words out a little easier. He didn't say anything, he just raised an eyebrow at me, silently telling me to continue. "I went to see Bella today, and-"

"What?" he nearly yelled.

"I know," I started, but again, he cut me off.

"Have you lost your marbles, kid? There are rape charges filed against you, and then you go over there to see her? What if she called the cops, and you ended up getting arrested? You might not have been able to walk out of there that time!" his loud voice ranted in one long breath, before he drew his eyebrows together.

He had a point. I knew that. As it was, when I got hauled into the police station a while ago, after the rape charges were first filed, I ended up being let go due to lack of evidence. Since I was adamant that I had not raped her, and the fact that there was no physical evidence, like DNA. It was ultimately dependant on her word against mine, aside from some bruising, I had been told, so until there was more evidence, they had no choice but to let me go.

Now that he mentioned it, I'm sure it wouldn't have looked good that I somewhat snuck in there to see her, and while she was alone. Though even if the cops had shown up, it wouldn't have mattered now, anyways.

"I wanted to talk to her. I...I missed her, and like I said...I thought it was consensual, but she made me see that...that it wasn't. She made me remember things differently than before..." I explained weakly. That's all I felt at the moment. Weak. Tired. Entirely shameful and disgusted with myself.

"And you, uh..." he cleared his throat, "you really did rape her?" he asked. His voice was quiet, but his tone said everything that his words didn't. He was disappointed in me.

"Yes," I confirmed quietly, as Bella's pleas for me to stop ran through my mind, and made my stomach lurch. I went on to try and further explain how I had deluded myself into thinking she had wanted it as much as I did, and I tried to find words to explain my side of things to him. He stayed silent through it all, just staring at me as he let me speak.

After I was done, I felt like my head was swimming, and I desperately needed to sit down. I went to the living room and plunked down onto the couch. Dad was right behind me, and had positioned himself right in front of me.

"And what's this with you saying you'll be going away?" he asked sharply. "You aren't planning to run away, are you?" Now he was starting to sound angry. Angry that I could be coward enough to try and run.

"No," I shook my head. "I'm..." I took a deep breath, hoping it would settle the nausea that was assaulting my stomach. "I'm turning myself in." I shut my eyes, and took another big breath.

Knowing what I did to Bella, that was the least I could do. I had done that to her. I had hurt her...I raped her. She had tried to stop me, she had tried so hard, but I was a damn idiot, and I didn't realize... I deserved to be in jail, and pay for what I had done. And Bella deserved to know that I was locked away, and wouldn't be able to hurt her.

Billy inhaled sharply, and levelled me with his gaze. "Are you sure about this, son?"

"Yes." I was sure. I had to do this. This was the only way to even begin to make it up to Bella, and for her to get any form of justice for what I did. As for me...if I was that much of a monster to do that to her...I belonged in jail.

He suddenly reached for me, nearly pulling me off the couch as he wrapped his arms around me in a fierce hug.

He had always been a caring father, but not much of a hugger, so this took me by surprise.

"I'm proud of you," he murmured. I went to pull back, to ask him if he was crazy, because how could he ever be proud of me after what I had done, but he grabbed me tighter, and spoke before I could. "For turning yourself in," he clarified. "Not everyone would, Jake. But you're a good kid. A good man, and I believe that you didn't mean to hurt Bella."

"I'm not good," I told him firmly, "but I'm going to try and do everything I can to fix this, or make it better...or at least make it easier for Bella."

He let me go, and I saw him inconspicuously wipe at his eye. "That," he pointed at me, "is why I'm proud of you. For trying to make it right, and doing the right thing now that you realize what really happened."

I still didn't believe him, or think he was right, but I didn't want to keep disputing it with him, so I just nodded, hoping he would stop. Him trying to tell me he's proud of me made me feel even more sick about what I had done. No one in their right mind could be proud of me after what I had done, whether I turned myself in or not.

"I should...go," I nearly whispered. I was dreading it, only because I didn't know what to expect, but I was completely sure in my decision. I had to do this.

"Do you want me to go with you?" he asked me quietly.

"No. I need to do this on my own," I told him gently. He shouldn't have to see his son getting hauled off to a jail cell. He had already lost my mom, he didn't need to be there to feel like he was losing me, too. Especially since I didn't know how long I would be locked away for.

He nodded solemnly. "Go do what you need to do, son."

I looked at his face, trying to remember it, or maybe even draw strength from it. I knew I wouldn't be seeing him for quite a while...not properly, anyway, not unless he came to visit me. So this time it was me who reached out, and hugged him one more time, before I made my way to the door.

"Jake," he called, right when my hand was on the knob. "I love you, and I'll see you soon."

"I love you, too, Dad." That was all I stayed inside for, before quickly closing the door behind me and blinking away the wetness in my eyes his words had caused.

Once I made it to the police station (with the hopes that Charlie would take pity on my dad, and get the rabbit back home), I wasted no time in walking inside. I was past hesitating. This is where I should be. This is what I deserved, and this is what's best for Bella.

I walked up to the main desk, and waited for the guy working to finish what he was doing, and look up at me.

"What can I do for you?"

"My name is Jacob Black," I started, before a loud voice and angry figure came marching up to the main desk, obviously having heard me.

"What the hell are you doing here, boy?" Charlie asked me angrily, as he crossed his arms over his chest.

I looked at the guy working the main desk again for a minute, before I locked eyes with Charlie, and spoke the words that would seal my fate.

"I'm here to turn myself in for the rape of Isabella Swan."

Next chapter: Finally find out why Edward isn't returning Bella's embrace. What will happen between them after Bella's reaction to his 'I love you', now that they may get the chance to talk, and will they be able to get past it? And how will Bella's interaction with Jacob affect her?

Okay, guys...you finally got to get inside Jake's head, and see what he's been thinking and feeling about everything that's going on. Is it what you expected? Now that you've seen his side, what are your feelings towards him?

I'm very anxious about this chapter, since it's a very important one, so...please review, and give me your thoughts on it, even if you just want to answer one of the above questions I asked, since I'd love to hear your opinions on that, too. So either way, leave a review, and let me know you're still interested!