Ichigo: That last chapter was THE randomest thing I've ever read.
Me: (shrugs) Ehhh, I've written randomer.
Rukia: (excited) Yeah, but it was one hell of a good night!
Ichigo: What, did Renji score or something?
Rukia: GO TO HELL!
Me and Ichigo: (sneaky perverted grins) THAT'S a yes.
Rukia: NO IT ISN'T! GO AWAY!
Me: Sorry, no can do. I'm eating cake.
Rukia: Your point being?
Me: Tch, like I know. Anyway, enjoy!
FIVE HOURS LATER...
"Now, as to what I wanted to speak about..." Byakuya began, AGAIN. Peyton and Ururu glanced up from the mess they were sweeping up as the noble paused.
She couldn't blame him; every time he tried to say something along those lines, something random happened and everyone got distracted.
Since Peyton wasn't a Soul Reaper and therefore not any of his meeting's concern, she was currently cleaning up Urahara and the other Captains' messes. Ururu was helping her after randomly showing up to drag the intoxicated shopkeeper home, and until they were done, he was passed out on the floor and snoring rather loudly.
Byakuya smirked smugly when no one interrupted him (finally), and continued. "I need you to be on high alert. One of our noble houses, Miyamoto, has been threatened several times in the past few weeks."
"Miyamoto?" Matsumoto repeated groggily, still slightly disoriented from all her "happiness in many different-colored bottles".
"How come that name sounds familiar, yet doesn't ring a bell at the same time?"
"Your rank isn't high enough for the name to ring a bell, Lieutenant," was Byakuya's cold reply.
Peyton really didn't like that guy sometimes.
"So...What, you want us to protect 'em?" Ichigo asked. She could tell all he really wanted was to go to sleep; he was cranky as hell.
"Most of the Miyamoto house has already been secretly transported to a safehouse in the outskirts of Soul Society," he continued as if Ichigo hadn't said anything.
This just made him even crankier, and Peyton hoped she wouldn't end up keeping him from going all homicidal on anyone. Again.
"Only the family's head and a few of his more capable children have stayed behind, to uphold the Miyamoto House's duties and rebuke any suspicion that might give away our plan. If the Miyamoto family receives any more threats, it may be necessary for you all to escort the members left behind to an even safer safehouse."
"And if nothing happens, you took all this time, gave me this black eye, got some Soul Reapers drunk, scared some human robbers shitless, AND kept us all up later than we'd like...for nothing," Renji clarified.
"...Stay on high alert," was Byakuya's brilliant reply. And with that, he just up and left. Just like the other captains had ten minutes ago.
They all looked at each other. Ururu swept up the last of the glass. Urahara giggled in his sleep. Isshin (Urahara's OTHER drinking buddy) snored extra loudly, knocking the lampshade on his head almost completely off.
Matsumoto hopped up, and Peyton smirked tiredly as Ichigo dodged the lieutenant's boobs, which flew right for him.
"Well, I'm ready to go home. I'll help you carry the body, Ururu."
"Just remember not to bury it in the backyard. He's not dead yet," Ichigo warned.
Renji nodded. "Yeah, don't want a repeat of LAST time, do we?"
Matsumoto waved them off, causing her to stumble. She blew her strawberry-blonde locks out of her mouth, but they ended up right back in there anyway. "Yeah, Yeah. It happened ONE TIME! Jeez. Nearly bury someone alive once, and people never let it go."
Peyton sweatdropped, and Rukia just shook her head at her confused expression. "Some things you're better off not knowing, Peyton."
Karin and Yuzu had went to bed forever ago while a Soul Reaper Captain Drink-Fest raged on downstairs for another five hours. How did Byakuya let this happen, you ask?
Apparently blackmail is one of the many things Earth and Soul Society have in common.
As they watched Matsumoto and Ururu drag Urahara home (Toshiro was leading the way, "supervising") with fresh sweatdrops, Isshin started to stir.
"Ah, Masaki...That was almost as wild as our honeymoon.."
This, of course, made Ichigo do the Spazzy Wet Noodle dance. "DAD, WHAT THE HELL! TMI, TMI, TMI!"
Renji and Rukia ran for the front door. "Uhhh, Renji, maybe I should make sure you get home safely!"
"Good idea, Rukia!"
"GOOD NIGHT EVERYBODY!" They shouted before bolting out the door. Peyton tapped the door with her pointer finger, sweatdropping, and it slowly shut as she watched Ichigo and Isshin get in another perverted argument.
"Why...the HELL...would you go and say something like that, dad?"
"Son, if you had BEEN there, you would understand-"
"Thank God I wasn't born yet! Damn! Ugh, all those mental images frying my brain...Jeez!"
"Well, you know what? Years from now, the same thing will happen to you and your kids, I guarantee it, son! Hopefully, unlike your beloved mother, Peyton will still be with us and you may share a secretive wink, just like Masaki and I would have..."
"I've said it millions of times, and I'll say it again...is the baby planning REALLY necessary?"
"GUYS!" Peyton shouted, her voice much louder than she thought it would've been. Oh well, the two idiots shut up and neither sister seemed to have woken up from it, so it didn't really matter.
They blinked innocently at her, and her temple throbbed. "In case you haven't noticed, it's past three in the morning. Ichigo, you're pissy. Isshin, you're hungover. How about we all just go to separate rooms and..just..chill?" She suggested, widening her brown eyes innocently at them.
When it came to looking innocent in the Kurosaki house, Peyton was the master.
Isshin immediately agreed with her. Of course.
"Ah, Peyton, excellent idea! Quick thinking, I like that. Son, go to bed! It's past three in the morning!" He bellowed, deciding now was the time to play the role of the Responsible Parent.
Ichigo just rolled his eyes before going upstairs, and Peyton bounded up behind him.
"I'll see you both in the morning!" Isshin shouted cheerfully.
"Psh, try the afternoon," Peyton muttered as she headed for Yuzu's room. Even that familiar pallet on the floor was sounding pretty inviting. THAT'S how tired she was.
But out of nowhere Ichigo's good hand grabbed her by the wrist and pulled her in the opposite direction.
Peyton sighed in annoyance, looking longingly at Yuzu's door. "Dammit, Kurosaki, I'm fricking tired."
"Well then sleep in here," he said in a "duh" tone.
She blinked in surprise. "...Oh. Okay."
Sadly, her surprise was also in her tone, and this made him smirk. Dammit. "I threw Peyton off? Really? I feel so important now."
"Really? I feel so tired now."
"But I'm still important."
"Hardly."
"I see how it is. See if you get anything for Christmas."
"You and I both know I'm getting plenty for Christmas," she said with an eye-roll as she flopped onto his bed, and he followed suit.
Now that she thought of it, the last time she had laid here was the day she started getting paranoid in her own shower.
And now, she was still paranoid in her own shower. But still.
"You know what?"
"What?"
"I feel kind of sorry for those burglars."
"Burglars? Who the hell says 'burglars' anymore, Peyton?"
She turned on her side to look at him, eyes wide with interest. "Have you never been to McDonald's?"
"Who hasn't been to McDonald's?"
"Apparently you."
"Of course I've been to McDonald's! You were with me a couple times, moron!"
"Really? Huh. Oh, yeah, now I remember! Well then how come you don't remember the HamBURGLAR? Dude!"
"Oh, wait, WAAAIITT...yeeaaaahhh, I remember that guy! He looked like a mini-Zorro kind of thing, only on a whole creepier new level?"
"Yeah, that's it, that's the one! Jeez, NOW who's the moron..."
"But...Wait...That still doesn't answer my question."
"Which one?"
"About who says burglar anymore."
"Oh. That one?"
"Yeah."
"That's easy! Me."
Ichigo rollled his eyes. "Wow, that was the biggest waste of my time EVER."
She rolled her eyes right back and kissed him. "Glad to know I'm so appreciated, Ichigo."
"You're welcome."
"Mmhmm."
"I love you."
"And for some weird reason, I love you too."
HOURS LATER...
Peyton heard whispering. Why was she hearing whispering? This was never a good sign.
She should probably open her eyes and figure out what that noise was. But...she was soooo...comfy...!
Screw it, I'll just tune it out, she thought as she buried herself further in the pillow and hogged some more of the covers.
But then she was able to actually understand the whispering. Unfortunately.
"Yuzu, this is unbelievable! They're progressing at a much faster rate than I had calculated!"
A sigh that was undeniably Yuzu's was heard from nearby. "I know. Papa, isn't it romantic? I can't even see it and it's romantic!"
"Yes, yes, of course. I need to record this on my Chart right away!"
"Papa, wait! Don't you wanna eavesdrop? Maybe they're awake! They could be talking about baby-making RIGHT NOW, and we'd never know!"
"...Ah! You're quite right, Yuzu dear! Why don't you go grab the glasses from the kitchen cabinet?"
"Aye-aye!"
She heard the pattering of Yuzu's feet as she bounded down the stairs, and Isshin tapping his foot impatiently.
"I take it you're awake."
Peyton jumped so hard she nearly rolled off the bed, making Ichigo snicker. She rolled over to glare at him. "A bit, yeah. Did you hear all that?"
"A bit, yeah."
"Hey, that's my phrase."
"No it isn't."
"I just said it!"
"That doesn't mean it's your phrase."
"Yes it does!"
"I thought 'Yo' was your phrase."
"That one, too."
"You can only have one."
"Says who?"
"That's the rules. It's in the Phrase Handbook. Did you never read that?"
"...I never got one.."
"Huh. Must've been faulty delivery or something."
"Well, either way, 'Yo' is my WORD, not my phrase. From now on, 'A bit, yeah' is my PHRASE. So...NEH."
"Are you sure you wanna go through with this? Once you choose a phrase, there's no turning back, Peyton," he said rather seriously.
She tapped her fingers lightly on his cast in thought, bit her lower lip, then finally sighed. "Fiiinneee...I guess I'll let you have it.."
"Oh, I don't want it. I was just seeing if YOU wanted it."
"Oh. Well now I REALLY don't want it!"
"Cool beans."
"Is that your phrase?"
Before he could even roll his eyes, they heard Yuzu running towards his door, and the clinking of glasses.
"Are you ready, Papa?"
They heard Isshin giggle mischieviously. "Ready? I was BORN ready!"
"Okay!"
Ichigo flashed a sneaky grin at her. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"
She gazed up at the ceiling thoughtfully. "Probably...Is it perverted? Oh...Wait, I know!" She returned the sneaky grin. "I totally am!"
Yuzu was about to put her glass against the door, but the look on Papa's face made her pause.
She watched as his expression turned from shock, to mischievous, to excited, to delighted, and back to shock again.
"Um...Papa...What exactly are they saying?" She finally asked. He immediately sprang up, all flustered.
"Er, Yuzu, I'm quite hungry. Why don't you be a wonderful daughter and fix us all some breakfast!"
"But it's Saturday, and Ichigo usually-"
"Ichigo's busy!" He said happily, practically throwing her down the stairs. As she got the oven heated up, she stared at the ceiling where Ichigo's room was located.
"Hmmm...What could they possibly be doing?" She said thoughtfully.
As soon as he heard the familiar sounds of Yuzu busying herself in the kitchen, he sprinted back up the stairs.
"I'll just check on Karin...I won't go anywhere NEAR my son's door...It's not any of my business what they're doing..."
Isshin DID manage to check on Karin (sleeping peacefully- she looked so innocent when she wasn't criticizing him...), but curiosity and pervertedness was just overwhelming him.
He couldn't help it! "It's beyond my control!" He exclaimed while practically tripping over himself to get to Ichigo's door.
He spastically gripped the glass in his hand and pressed it against the door. Yes, no mistaking it; moaning.
Not that he needed a glass to hear it; Peyton was obviously unconcerned with how thin his son's door was.
At first, he wondered if perhaps she was sick, and decided he should check it out. His hand was actually on the knob, but then he froze.
Ichigo was moaning too.
Isshin jumped back from the door as if it had burnt him. "Could they be...Is it possible...?"
He heard heavy footsteps, and turned to see Karin groggily heading downstairs. He shrugged, then giggled pervertedly before pressing his ear back against the glass.
Karin pretended not to notice her father; God only knew what that dude did with his spare time.
Besides; Ichigo would kick his ass anyway, so it wasn't like she had any responsibility when it came to keeping her father in line.
But when she saw Yuzu staring at the ceiling worriedly, a pan carelessly gripped in her right hand, a red flag went up.
"Hey."
"...Good morning.."
"Okay, what's up? I'm used to dad acting weird, but how come you're acting weird too?"
Yuzu looked at Karin worriedly. "Ichigo and Peyton slept in the same room last night, and Papa and I were going to eavesdrop, like we usually do when they're alone and think we don't know...But before I could listen, he made me go downstairs and hogged Ichigo's door to himself...I wonder what they could be doing..?"
Karin blinked at her sister, sweatdropping. "...Yuzu...just how naïve ARE you?"
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Let's review here, sis. Okay, two hormonal lovestruck teenagers...alone in a room...with a bed...and dad won't let you listen...Jeez, whaddaya THINK they're doing?"
Yuzu stared at her blankly, but then it slowly dawned on her.
"...Ohhhhh! Ohmigoodness!"
"I KNOW!"
"We have GOT to go listen!"
"Duh."
"C'mon, Karin!" Yuzu more-or-less squealed as she grabbed her sister's wrist and dragged her up the stairs.
Before their dad could even protest, their ears were pressed against the door, eyes wide.
"Un-freaking-believable. Stupid giant left his door LOCKED last night!" Rukia grumbled to herself as she headed for the upstairs bathroom, scratching her shoulder moodily.
She was about to take her morning potty break when she noticed Isshin, Karin, and Yuzu all piled up in front of Ichigo's door, ears pressed tightly against it.
Rukia sweatdropped. "Uhh...What the hell are you guys doing?"
"SHHH!" They all immediately hissed before returning to staring in wonder at the door. Her temple throbbed as she stomped over to the door. "What the HELL could POSSIBLY be so..."
She trailed off. Was that...moaning and sighing she heard?
And it did NOT sound like normal moans and sighs.
Her face twisted into some strange expression of mixed emotions. She pointed a single tiny finger at the wooden portal of horrors. "Are...Are they.."
"Hell yeah!" Was Karin's reply. Isshin didn't even comment on her language, he was so absorbed.
"You missed the dirty talk," Yuzu said matter-of-factly.
Rukia did the Spazzy Wet Noodle dance almost better than Ichigo. "W-W-WHAT? YUZU, YOU TOO?"
It was hard to keep from laughing while they were making all these perverted noises. They had to stop the dirty talk, because they started turning red and sweating from the effort of not laughing uncontrollably.
"My dad's gonna treat us awesome for a good three months after this," he said in her ear.
That was really the only way they could talk between noises, since his door was so thin; in their ears. Not that either one minded, but still.
"Well, treat YOU awesome. He'll treat me awesome-ER," she replied matter-of-factly. Peyton then glanced at his alarm clock.
"Hey, it's almost been an hour. Should we stop now?"
"Yeah, my throat hurts like hell."
"Same. I forfeit."
"Same."
"There you go using my words again!"
They heard muttering as the eavesdroppers tried to figure out if they were done or not, and they finally heard creaking on the stairs.
She waited until all creaking ceased, then burst into laughter. Ichigo wasn't far behind, and soon they couldn't stop.
"That was...by FAR..our most perverted stunt EVER," she said between laughs.
"And one of...the...most epic!"
"Tot-hahahahaha!...Totally!"
After they finally calmed down, both fell back against their pillows. "Jeez, I'm almost as tired as I would be if we actually DID do it," Ichigo said tiredly.
She just nodded, and for a while the only sound was their heavy breathing.
"...Hey Ichigo?"
"Yeah?"
"You've asked me plenty of awkward and perverted questions since we met, right?"
"Definitely."
"So it's only fair if I get to ask one right now. Right?"
"I...guess? Where are you going with this?" He asked with a nervous laugh. Peyton didn't blame him; SHE didn't know where she was going with things half the time.
"Do you ever think about it?"
"About what?"
She sighed impatiently. "Making a PB&J sandwich. Us doing it, genius!"
"...Ohhh. Well then, yeah, a couple times."
"Oh."
"Have you?"
"Um..W-Well, I, uh.."
"THAT'S a yes," he said with that stupid smirk on his face.
Her temple throbbed. "Okay, fine, yes. No need to rub it in or anything."
"Can I ask you something?"
"No."
"Really?"
"No, go ahead."
"Right, thought so. What do you think would happen if...y'know, we DID do it?"
She flushed a little. "Well...if we DID do it...I guess Isshin might have kittens from sheer excitement.."
That weak-knee-inducing half-smile returned on Ichigo's face. "I kinda meant between you and me."
"Well, you see, when a mommy and daddy love each other very much.."
He looked at her, his half-smile growing. "Peyton, you're stalling," he said in a sing-song voice.
Her temple throbbed. "Am not."
"Are so."
"Am NOT."
"Then answer the question."
"Can you repeat the question-in-question?"
He rolled his eyes. "If you and me DID do it, how different would things be between us, do you think?"
"Oh. Well...Hm. I dunno. Pretty different, I guess. Wait, why are you asking me this?"
"I dunno. Why aren't you answering my questions?"
"I dunno."
"Oh, okay, thanks for clearing that up."
"No problem. I'm here to help!"
"You're doing a spectacularly crappy job."
"Thanks."
"Don't mention it. So, how would things be different? You never explained that one."
Peyton huffed moodily; it was obvious she wasn't getting out of this one. "Well...I guess in several ways. It'd definitely make things interesting...But then again, it'd be harder to let go of each other if we broke up or something.."
Ichigo sweatdropped. "You're so optimistic. How DO you do it?"
She rolled her eyes, and he continued to stare at her. "What makes you think we'll break up?"
"I dunno. I just know it happens."
"That doesn't mean it WILL happen."
"True, but love doesn't last."
"What about old people?"
"What ABOUT old people?"
"They're not always alone, are they? And besides, the main reason you see old people alone is because the other one died."
"See?"
"But the love's still there," he pointed out.
"Yeah, sure. But it makes it seem like love is basically chilling until the other person dies, and then you're more-or-less screwed!"
"That didn't happen to your dad."
Her eyes immediately fell to look at her hand, which was currently tracing an invisible pattern on his sheets. "Yeah, I guess it didn't, but..."
He grabbed hold of one of her fingers before tracing an invisible pattern along her wrist and forearm.
"Sorry if that came off wrong. But what I meant was...It's not half as complicated as you think it is. I love you. You love me."
She glanced up at him. "Please tell me you're not quoting Barney."
He sweatdropped. "Noooo...As I was saying?"
"Oh. Right. Sorry, I got distracted."
"I see that. Anyway. I love you and you love me. And I don't plan on breaking up with you. And hopefully you don't plan on breaking up with me."
She looked up at him again. "Nope, that's not on my to-do list. Oh, wait...were you done?"
"And you have a short attention span. And my cast is itchy. And your eyes are really distracting me. And I..Crap, I just lost my train of thought. Dammit, Peyton!"
She blinked innocently. "I can't help it that I have amazing eyes."
He rolled his eyes- which in her opinion were cooler since you could actually see HIS pupils- and kissed her temple.
"I think that's the most serious conversation we've ever had."
"I think you're right. It was quite unsettling, Kurosaki."
"Indeed. Let's agree not to have many of those ever again."
"Agreed. We should probably get up now."
"Probably."
"We're not, are we?"
"Nope."
THREE MINUTES LATER...
"Crap!" Peyton muttered as she sat up.
"What?" Ichigo asked groggily.
"I have to pee."
"Well then go pee!"
She looked at his hand pointedly, and he removed it from the tangled mess known as her hair. He watched with fresh sweatdrops as she did some weird spastic dance to the door.
She noticed his expression and shrugged. "I didn't realize it until just now. Apparently I've had to pee longer than that."
"That's truly fascinating. Go pee now."
"Fine! See if I come back!"
"You'll be back."
"Most likely."
It took her a minute to realize the door was locked, and she tried several times unsuccessfully to open it normally.
"Ichigo, your door's broken!" She informed him as she tried planting her foot on the wall and tugging on the door knob.
He sweatdropped some more. "It's locked, Smart One."
Peyton's temple throbbed as she unlocked it calmly. "Could've said that sooner, jerkface."
But then they both sweatdropped as she opened the door and Rukia, Isshin, Yuzu, Karin, Renji, and Lindsay all fell into the room.
"Uh...I'm just gonna go pee real quick," Peyton said innocently as Ichigo's temple throbbed menacingly.