Me: Wow. You know what i loved the most about the reviews for the last chapp, Ichigo?
Ichigo: (obviously not giving a shit, as per usual) Nope. What?
Me: The fact that only one person actually sided with you about being kidnapped before you could kiss Peyton.
Ichigo: I don't care what anyone says, that sucked ASS!
Me: (shrugs) Personally, i think it was karma.
Ichigo: Yeah, well personally, i think you should go fix me some cake.
Me: (narrows eyes) For that, i shall share with the readers...TODAY'S EPIC FAIL, COMMITTED BY ICHIGO KUROSAKI! (points to scene below):
Urahara: You put it on like this! Put it on your forehead like so... and yell from the top of the lungs... "TAKE THIS! THE POWER OF JUSTICE! JUSTICE ARMOR! JUSTICE HACHIMAKI! ATTACK!"
Ichigo: O... okay I get it. Put it on the forehead like this... LIKE HELL I'LL DO THAT! [Dodges an attack] AAACK!
Urahara: See? Now isn't the time to be embarrassed, right?
Ichigo: DON'T ACT LIKE THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU! Damn it, guess I have no choice... TAKE THIS! THE POWER OF JUSTICE! JUSTICE ARMOR! JUSTICE HACHIMAKI! ATTACK!
Urahara: Wow...! You actually did it...!
Ichigo: You BASTARD!
Ichigo: ...Bitch.
Me: Why you little-
Rukia: (holding us both back as we attempt to scratch each other's eyes out) ENJOY!
THE NEXT MORNING...
"WAKE UP, WAKE UP, WAKE UP, WAKE UUUUUUUPPPP!" Lindsay screeched happily, jumping on Peyton's bed.
She slowly turned her head to look at Lindsay; she was NOT happy. "...Is the house on fire?"
"Nooo."
"Is anyone in mortal danger?"
"Well, no, but-"
"Oh. That's good. Goodnight, Lindsay," she said groggily with a yawn before letting her face drop back into the pillow.
A few seconds of total silence passed, and Peyton dozed off. The next thing she knew, a fog horn was being blasted near her head. "RISE AND SHINE!" Lindsay and Seth shouted.
She jumped so hard she scrambled in mid-air before falling off the bed. "GAH! WHAT THE HELL'S YOUR PROBLEM, GUYS?"
"IT'S CHRISTMAS, IT'S CHRISTMAS, IT'S CHRIIIIISSTTMMAAASSSS!" They cheered, dragging her out of bed.
Peyton's temple throbbed. "You're gonna pay for that, Christmas Day or not."
They gulped, then cracked their knuckles. "You're on!" Seth replied with a cocky grin.
LATER...
"Would you look at their bright, shining faces," dad stated, he and Miya sweatdropping.
Lindsay's hair was sticking out everywhere (that almost NEVER happened), Seth had a black eye, and Peyton had a few bruises and crazy hair as well.
They were all beaming innocently. "GOOD MORNING, WONDERFUL FATHER OF MINE!" Peyton declared, hugging him happily.
Dad's temple throbbed. "Ichigo was here last night, wasn't he?"
"If I tell the truth, will you lighten up on him?"
"Sure."
"Yeah, he was here."
"Oh. Good." He rubbed his hands together, going into Complex Plotting Mode. "If he came last night, he'll be here for SURE today! Which means I'll have him right where I want him..."
Peyton pointed at him in disbelief. "B-But you said you'd lighten up!"
He stopped his maniacal pacing to blink at her. "Oh, but I am. The shotgun will only be used for visual effect!"
Everyone sweatdropped, and Peyton did the Spastic Wet Noodle Dance. "EHHHH?"
"Sis, I promise to take the bullets out, just in case," Seth said from the floor. Peyton plopped onto the floor with a huff. "Much appreciated."
Dad waved them off. "Some big brother you are. You're no fun at all."
Miya sweatdropped. "And my mother thinks I don't know what I'm getting into with this marriage..."
Seth threw a box at Peyton, which hit her square in the gut. "OW, DAMMIT!"
"MERRY CHRISTMAS, DARLING LITTLE SISTER!"
She glared at him before unwrapping it in under fifteen seconds.
Miya sweatdropped, and dad patted her knee. "That's probably the longest it's ever taken her."
She pulled out the necklace Seth had given her as an early birthday present. Everyone sweatdropped all over again, and he just grinned. "You can stop wearing that other one now."
Peyton sighed and shook her head before slipping the necklace around her neck. The two necklaces clinked together ominously, and she could already imagine the idiotic argument Ichigo would make out of it.
Seth pouted. "The whole point was to get you to stop wearing the other one, not wear both!"
"I'm not taking the other one off, and that's that!"
"What, did III-chigo get you that?" He teased.
"Actually, yeah, he did."
Seth and dad jumped up in protest. "WHAT?"
"HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE? WHO WOULD DO THAT FOR YOU BESIDES ME? YOU'RE SO NOT WORTH GOLD, SIS, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?"
"WHERE DID HE GET THE MONEY? DID HE STEAL SOME FROM YOU?"
Miya put a hand on her fiancee's shoulder, sweatdropping. "Honey, you know good and well Peyton's never had more than thirty bucks on her at a time. That necklace cost an easy hundred. Now sit down before you blow the roof off the house."
Seth peered down at the necklace. "How much was it?"
"Renji said two hundred. Ichigo was too embarrassed to tell us how much it was exactly. Matsumoto says she saw one just like it that cost a lot more, and the day he got it, it was gone, but she never did mention the actual price..."
Everyone let out a low whistle, and Peyton sweatdropped. "Can we just open the rest of the presents now so I can go take care of my morning pee, maybe take a shower, all that good stuff?"
They all immediately sat down. "ABSOLUTELY!" Dad and Seth yelled enthusiastically, no doubt trying to kiss ass for the torture they had in store for Ichigo.
AN HOUR LATER...
Several tow-trucks' worth of clothes, fifteen gift cards, three books, two handfuls of jewelry, and four CDs later, everyone was sprawled out on the floor and panting heavily.
"...Dad?"
"Yes, Lindsay?"
"They spoiled us this year.."
"Yeah...I know...I would never give you...little farts...so many presents! Well, Miya, sure, but not you guys!" He said cheerfully, laughing as their temples throbbed menacingly.
Peyton then hopped up randomly. "I have to pee majorly!"
Dad held up a finger. "Oh, Miya...I believe there's another box behind the couch that you missed. I'd open it quickly; those holes won't give it air forever."
Peyton stopped in her tracks. "...Holes? Air?"
Please don't be a spider, PLEASE don't be a spider...!
Miya dove behind the couch (She was officially converted, as long as she got to celebrate Christmas every year. Her words exactly.), and they saw wrapping paper fly every which way. Then there was a distinct squeal; almost as high as Yuzu's.
"IT'S A PUPPY!"
Peyton took that opportunity to run to the bathroom, before Seth made a crack about her not being house-trained.
HALF AN HOUR LATER...
Peyton ran into the den, wet hair flipping out everywhere, looking around spastically. "Okay, okay, I'm here. Now where's this puppy?"
She was greeted by a rather interesting sight. Lindsay and Yuzu were playing with the puppy in the hallway, Miya was in the kitchen making more cookies while Isshin explained in more depth his Baby-Making Chart (painstakingly more depth..), and as for Seth and dad...
Peyton did the Spazzy Wet Noodle Dance. It was becoming increasingly common in Karakura lately.
"WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON HERE?"
In the middle of the den was positioned a rickety wooden chair. In the butt part of the chair, rope and a yo-yo had been placed. Speaking of random things being placed in randomer spots, an interrogation light had been installed in the ceiling, and was swinging rather ominously right above the chair. It was turned off for now.
On the couch, Seth and dad had Ichigo seated between them, and he looked stressed out. Seth looked up at her. "Oh, hi! We're just asking him some questions."
They had index cards, and on the back the words "Qualification Round" were stamped. "Next question," Seth announced in his Game Show Host Voice.
Ichigo gulped.
"Have you ever, at any time, made my sister pay for anything?"
"Uhhh...Not that I can remember."
"I'm sorry, this is a yes or no question!" He replied, still using his Game Show Host Voice.
"Oh. Then no."
"CORRECT! Back to you, Mark." He even winked at a camera. Wait, wait, wait. Camera? CAMERA? THEY'RE RECORDING THIS?
Dad was also using a Game Show Host Voice. "Thanks, Seth. Final question. If you answer correctly, you're off the hook. If not...Well, we get to use...The Chair!" He announced, his Game Show Host Voice turning dark and ominous.
Peyton almost expected lightning to crackle behind him for dramatic effect, and sweatdropped when Seth quietly crept behind dad and went, "Bum-Bum-BUUUUMMM!"
"So, I ask you, Ichigo Kurosaki...Are you READY?"
"Um...Yes?"
"ANSWER WITH CERTAINTY! GOOD GOD, MAN!" Seth barked. "Sorry, sorry! Jeez! Yes. I'm ready. Happy?"
Peyton smirked. Now THAT's the Ichigo I know.
Mark flicked his index card importantly before reading. "In the event that a robber steals Peyton's purse, what would you do?"
Ichigo nearly hopped off the couch ith excitement as he pointed at him. "Ha! That's a trick question! The only bag Peyton ever carries is luggage or her schoolbag! She only owns three purses and never uses them, that's what Lindsay always complains about!"
Dad made a "Hmm" noise. "Impressive. Give us some privacy while we deliberate."
Him and Seth made some weird huddle and started whispering excitedly. Peyton sweatdropped, and Ichigo gave her a wave. "Hi. Merry Christmas."
She couldn't help but smile. "Looks like your Christmas is off to a great start."
"What gave it away?"
"Your look of pure terror."
"Hey, I'm not TERRIFIED! I'm just...ill-prepared?" He offered.
Peyton was about to reply, but dad and Seth suddenly sprang out of their huddle and grabbed both of Ichigo's arms.
"Sorry kid, but you're getting...The Chair!"
"Bum-Bum-BUUUUMMM!"
"WHAT? BUT WHY? I WAS RIGHT!"
"Yeah, you won and all that, but...Well, we really wanna try this thing out. And by this thing, I mean of course...The Chair!"
"Bum-Bum-BUUUUMMM!"
"Seth, shut the hell up!"
"I'm trying to make dramatic effects here, Peyton! You're distracting me!"
"Seth, help me position him correctly in...The Chair!"
"Bum-Bum-BUUUUMMM! I mean, uh, sure thing dad!"
Peyton watched on with several new sweatdrops as they proceeded to tie him up with the rope and dad leaned all in his face. "Now, kid, we can do this the easy way...or the HARD WAY!"
Ichigo sweatdropped as Seth clicked the light on for emphasis, making it swing a little faster. "...Um...What?"
"PICK A WAY!"
"The easy way, always the easy way!"
"Oh, so my daughter's dating a slacker. I see."
"Uh, I mean, THE HARD WAY! IT'S THE HARD WAY OR NO WAY!"
"Hey, mind your manners!"
Ichigo's temple throbbed.
"See, this is where you're supposed to realize you can't win his favor by any means," Seth stage-whispered.
"Not true! There ARE ways...They have yet to be discovered, but they exist," Dad said importantly.
"Please stop using your Yoda Voice!" Miya called out from the kitchen.
"Sorry, sweetie!" Dad shouted back innocently before clearing his throat and switching back to his Cop Voice.
"Now, lemme just have my assistant get our cards..." He looked to Seth, who handed him some more index cards importantly, eyes on Ichigo the whole time.
Ichigo and Peyton both gulped as they read the stamp: "Sudden Death Round".
"Now, first question. What...are the first three digits of Pi?" Seth asked ominously.
"...3.14?"
"CORRECT! Your turn, Mark."
"Thanks, Seth. Second question. What...is Peyton's full name?"
"Peyton Alicia Cullen," He replied without hesitation.
"CORRECT! Take it away, Seth."
"Why thank you, Mark. Third question. HAVE YOU...gone higher than second base with my sister?"
"W-WHAT? NO!"
Seth narrowed his eyes. "You spazzed."
"What does that have to do with anything?" Peyton snapped.
"Liars spazz."
"So do SPAZZES."
"And so do LIARS!"
Dad and Seth nodded. "Seth?" "Yes?" "I believe he answered...incorrectly," dad said ominously.
"NO HE DIDN'T! Honestly, I'm OFFENDED!" Peyton shrieked.
"Fine, don't get all in a tizzy. We'll let that one slide," Dad said carelessly, obviously unconcerned on whether he was telling the truth or not.
"Well, in that case, back to you, Mark."
"Thanks, Seth. Fourth question. HAVE YOU EVER...played the Fatal Frame series."
"...What?"
"HAVE YOU EVER...played the Fatal Frame series."
"No, I heard what you said, sir, but...What?"
"It's a video game," Peyton prompted before mouthing "LIE LIE LIE! LIE YOUR HOT ORANGE ASS OFF!" behind her dad and Seth's backs.
"Ohhhh, THAT series! Yeah, totally!"
"Good, very good. It's scary as hell; if you can handle that game, you can handle my daughter's anger. You might survive. Back to you, Seth."
"Thanks, Mark. It appears we have reached the Sudden Death Within The Sudden Death Round! If you fail to answer this question, you shall have to suffer the consequences!" Seth announced ominously.
"...Okaaayy..."
"Are you READY FOR THIS?"
"BORN READY!"
"HERE IT COMES!"
"GO AHEAD!"
"WHAT'S MY FAVORITE KIND OF PIE? YOU HAVE THREE TRIES, NOW GO!"
Peyton and Ichigo sweatdropped. "How the hell should I know?"
"I'm sorry, that's not a pie type that I know of! Try again!"
"Ummm..." He looked at Peyton, who shrugged. "...Cherry?"
"NO!"
"Key lime?"
"NO!"
"Blueberry?"
"YES!" He let out a sigh of relief, and Seth held up a finger. "BUT...You guessed it on your fourth try, and you only had three. THEREFORE, you must PAY!"
"WHAT? I ONLY TRIED THREE TIMES!"
"Nooo, you didn't! First you guessed 'How the hell should I know', then 'cherry', then 'key lime', and THEN 'blueberry'!"
"NO WAY! 'How the hell should I know' doesn't count!"
"It does in my book!"
"Well, your book is wrong!"
"Let's consult the judge! He knows all!"
"Fine, where is he?"
Seth looked to dad, who whipped out a bobble head of Chuck Norris. "O' Wise Chuck Norris Bobble, please, tell us. Did Ichigo Kurosaki's guess of 'How the hell should I know' count as a guess, therefore meaning he is WRONG, and must sit there in his WRONGNESS and be WRONG while enduring the punishment brought on by his moment of WRONGNESS?" Seth asked importantly.
Dad "secretively" flicked the head, and it bobbed up and down at rapid speed. "Ah-HA! CHUCK NORRIS HAS SPOKEN!" Seth bellowed.
Dad handed over the yo-yo, and Seth flicked it by the string, hitting Ichigo between the eyes expertly. "Ow!"
"Okay, now that that's over, good luck surviving my sister. Merry Christmas and see ya around!" Seth said brightly before untying Ichigo.
"WHAAAAAT?" Ichigo and Peyton shouted in disbelief. Peyton's temple throbbed. "ALL THAT FOR NOTHING? WHAT THE HELL!"
"I never gave my opinion," dad pointed out ominously.
They both gulped while Seth wandered off to the kitchen. "So, Miya, how many cookies are left?"
It was then they noticed Isshin, who was watching on with a grin. "How long have you been standing there?" Ichigo asked with a sweatdrop.
"About seven minutes."
"AND YOU NEVER THOUGHT TO YOURSELF 'HEY, I SHOULD HELP MY SON'?" Ichigo screeched, doing the Offended Wet Noodle Dance.
Isshin just stated, "Yep. Hey, Mark, your fiancee makes splendid cookies!"
"Not better than mine, right Papa?"
"No way, Yuzu!"
Dad chuckled. "Thanks, Isshin. Your son makes splendid entertainment."
"So does your daughter! Matter of fact, she makes my son infinitely less homicidal towards me! Not to mention easier to beat in the morning."
"So...Does that mean we're off the hook?" Peyton asked carefully. Dad just looked at them both with a smirk. "Perhaps."
And with that, he went into the kitchen.
She sweatdropped. "Well. That was...traumatizing."
Ichigo shrugged. "I've had worse. Although, that yo-yo hurt like hell..." He muttered as he rubbed the spot between his eyes.
He grinned. "So what'd you get me for Christmas?"
Peyton smiled innocently. "You know, I think I'm gonna watch the rest of the show first." His jaw dropped as she plopped down onto the couch.
"WHAT? JUST LIKE THAT, YOU'RE IGNORING ME?"
She threw her fist up enthusiastically. "Go Bones!"
"Fine. YOU CAN'T IGNORE MY HOT ORANGE ASS FOREVER!"
"Oh yeah? WATCH ME!"