Me: Well, we're back! With 314 reviews!
Ichigo: 315 woulda been better.
Me: (Throws fork at him) SHUT UP!
Ichigo: MY ARM!
Rukia: (Rolls eyes) Well, i guess we should stop the bleeding.
Me: Yeah, we should. Well, anyways, before we do that, i would like to thank you ALL for your cake contributions! I've got so many, i don't know what to do with them! ...Oh, wait, yeah i do. Eat them. AWESOMESAUCE!
Rukia: Enjoy, and keep the reviews coming! They make us laugh. A lot!
"This is gonna be EPIC," Ichigo snickered as they continued switching the ballots.
Peyton nodded, grinning evilly. "Either an epic win, or epic fail. Either way, it's epic."
"AND epically stupid."
"Of course it is! Why else would we be doing it?"
"Point."
They slid the last of the ballots into the heart-covered box before exchanging a high-five and barrel-rolling away from the scene of the crime.
"Whaddaya think they'll do when they announce it?"
"Shit twice and die."
"Sounds fun!"
FIVE MINUTES LATER...
"AAAAND NOW, for your HOURLY UPDATE, we have our winners for Karakura High's Cutest Couple," one of the senior girls announced via intercom.
Ichigo and Peyton tried to look as innocent as possible, but were practically bouncing in their seats.
"It looks like it's...Rangiku Matsumoto and Toshiro Hitsugaya! Coming up next hour, the winners for Most Likely To Cheat On Each Other!"
The two winners both froze, turning rather pale, eyes threatening to bulge out of their sockets while their jaws dropped to the floor.
"I SO saw that coming," Renji announced proudly. Rukia smacked him upside the head, to which he whimpered and rubbed the back of aforementioned head.
The bell rung, and as soon as they got into the hallway for their next period, Ichigo and Peyton jumped up to high-five each other.
"WE. ARE. EPIC!"
Toshiro and Matsumoto looked at each other, still frozen mid-step in their homeroom. "...How the hell could WE have won? Everyone's crazy-obsessed with Ichigo and Peyton's YouTube-famed relationship!"
Toshiro glared off into the distance. "There's only TWO PEOPLE who could be so gutsy, so STUPID, to switch the ballots."
They both clenched their fists and seethed, "Ichigo and Peyton."
AN HOUR LATER...
"AAAAND we're back for another update! The ballots have been casted, and the winners of Most Likely To Cheat On Each Other aaaare..."
They heard her unfold the card, then gasp. "Oh, NO WAY! It looks like you voted...Ichigo Kurosaki and Peyton Cullen! But that can't be right...Well, either way, next up are the winners for Most Likely To Have A One-Night Stand!"
Everyone gasped, and the two started laughing anxiously. "...Yeah...Like that'd happen..."
TEN MINUTES LATER...
"I KNEW you were checking her out!"
"Oh yeah? What about Jake!"
"What ABOUT Jake?"
"You've ALWAYS been checking him out!"
"I've NEVER checked him out!"
They soon started shouting on top of each other before yelling at the same time, "WHY DON'T YOU TRUST ME?"
The fellow roof-dwellers watched tensely as they glared at each other for the longest time before they both crossed their arms and huffed. "Guess that's it then."
"Guess it is."
And with that, they stomped off in different directions. Everyone was kind of stunned into silence, and Toshiro was the most stunned of all.
Matsumoto looked at him in disbelief. "...Did YOU switch those ballots?"
He waved her off anxiously. "N-No, of course not! That would be childish, Matsumoto."
THREE MINUTES LATER...
"You think they bought it?"
"I know they bought it, did you see their faces? Toshiro's gonna crack by Valentine's Day, I bet you."
"Fifty bucks says it takes a little longer," Peyton declared.
They were currently crouched behind the short wall on the very, VERY far side of the school so no one could see them.
Ichigo grinned and they slapped hands. "You're so on."
She grinned back before poking her head up above the wall to make sure the coast was clear before starting to shift her aura.
"You ready to totally ignore me and be pissy for a couple days?" She asked.
He shrugged. "How hard could it be?"
THE NEXT DAY...
As soon as Peyton stepped inside, she was suddenly swarmed by Orihime, Matsumoto, Rukia, and girls she didn't even know.
"Are you ALRIGHT?" Three of them asked in perfect unison.
"Do you need anything?"
"You can have some of my lunch!" Orihime offered.
Peyton sweatdropped; they looked three times more upset than she did. Which was quite a bit, since she figured that's how she was supposed to look.
This wasn't her first breakup, but it WAS her first fake one.
"Uhhhh...I think being left alone sounds really nice at this time," she said quietly. The other girls left, while Matsumoto looked like she was gonna cry.
"Oh dammit...She's talking all normal! This is so ba-a-aaad!" She started bawling dramatically on Orihime's shoulder, making all three of them sweatdrop.
Orihime patted the Soul Reaper's shoulder awkwardly. "...Are you alright, Matsumoto?"
"DO I LOOK ALRIGHT?"
"You look like an idiot," Rukia replied dully, but Matsumoto just bawled even louder, her sobbing making her boobs threaten to pop right out of her school blouse.
"Even her Southern accent sounds saaaaad! Her and Ichigo are perfect for each otheeerrr, why, why, WHYYYY? CURSE YOU, KARAKURA HIGH'S BALLOT-CASTING SYSTEM, CURSE YOOOOUUU!" She wailed, shaking her fist at the ceiling before returning to sobbing uncontrollably.
Jeez, she's gonna make ME wanna bawl..
Rukia noticed Peyton's expression and sighed before planting a hand on her shoulder and leading her away from Matsumoto. "C'mon, let's go...Before she cries us a river."
"DUDE," Was all Keigo said when Ichigo walked in, dodging Matsumoto and Orihime, who were in tears in the doorway.
"The hell's going on around here?" He wondered, more than a little creeped out.
"You're an idiot, that's what's going on around here," Renji replied.
Ichigo huffed. "If this is about Peyton, it was mutual!"
"Mutual my ass!" Renji pointed to Peyton, who was currently being hugged by Rukia and was all sniffly and such.
...Oh, she's good. She's REAL good.
He crossed his arms defiantly. "I'm not doing a THING until she apologizes."
The two Soul Reapers sweatdropped. "...Apologizes."
"Yep."
Chad was the first to speak. "You dumbass."
EIGHT HOURS LATER...
"...So THIS TIME, if we go around the back and slip through his window, we can use a pillow as a silencer and no one'll know!" Seth concluded as Peyton walked in.
As usual, she kicked off her shoes and let the puppy have at it. "Yeah, but who else would kill Ichigo?" Lindsay replied.
"Do you want me to list that chronologically or alphabetically?" Seth deadpanned.
Peyton sweatdropped and crept further into the den to see what the hell they were doing. Dad, Seth, and Lindsay were currently standing around a table with blueprints and weapons on it, looking very evil, to be honest.
"What...The HELL...Is y'all's problem?" She shouted, making them all jump. They hid their weapons behind their backs innocently, and Peyton sighed heavily before taking them out and dropping them on the floor one by one.
"Old Winona." THUD.
"A scythe." THUD.
"A medieval mace and noose." THUD.
She planted her hands on her hips, tapping her foot impatiently. Right on cue, they started bawling. "WE'RE SO-O-RRRYYYYY!"
Lindsay and Seth hugged her. "HE DESERVES A SLOW AND PAINFUL DEATH! NO ONE DUMPS OUR SISTER ON HER ASS LIKE THAAAAAT!"
She wriggled out of their grip angrily. "He didn't DUMP ME ON MY ASS, we broke up with each other! It was a mutual decision."
"Does that mean the Hunk Muffin's single?"
"SHUT UP NANAW!" They all shouted, making her jump and pout as she flipped through channels some more.
"...Just a question."
Peyton sighed and shook her head, and Lindsay hugged her again. "We're here for you, alright?"
Her temple throbbed. "We broke up, it's not like anyone died."
"Well..Yeah, but..."
"You said the L Word," Seth stage-whispered dramatically. "You've NEVER said the L Word before!"
Peyton watched with a sweatdrop slowly forming as Seth and Dad proceeded to sink to the ground and blubber.
"HE WAS THE FIRST TO PASS OUR GAME SHOW, DAAAAD! I THOUGHT THIS WOULD END BETTER!"
"I WAS JUST STARTING TO LIKE THE GUUUUUUY!"
Lindsay's temple throbbed, and she threw a plastic cup at them. "You GUYS, cut it out! Jeez, you'd think Y'ALL got dumped by Ichigo!"
"I did NOT get DUMPED!" Peyton shouted.
Seth paused in his blubbering to scoff and wave her off. "Oh, what EVER. It's all over school."
Her temple throbbed as she kicked him in the shin before stomping upstairs. "I DID NOT GET DUMPED, YOU JERKFACES!"
MEANWHILE...
Ichigo got home to hear lots of bawling and sobbing. Thinking someone died, he ran in like a madman screaming "WHO DIED?".
Only to be greeted by a sea of tissue boxes, in the middle of which were Yuzu and his dad. Karin was watching with actual sympathy, shaking her head slowly.
Then they saw him in the doorway and turned all demonic. "YOU."
Yuzu teared up all over again. "HOW COULD YOU?"
"HOW COULD I WHAT?"
Dad was quite literally crying a river over by the couch. "You dumped her. YOU DUMPED MY NEW DAUGHTER? YOU MONSTER!"
"I'M YOUR SON, FOR CHRIST'S SAKES! Your REAL flesh and blood!"
"SHE WAS GONNA GIVE ME GRANDCHILDREN, BUT THAT WAS JUST TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE, WASN'T IT? YOU HAD TO RUIN IT! HOW COULD YOOOOUUUU?"
He returned to sobbing uncontrollably on Yuzu, who was also blubbering like an idiot. Karin folded her arms over her chest. "Ya know, I have to admit, I thought you guys would last..."
"FOREVERRRR!" Yuzu and Dad exclaimed between sobs.
Karin and Ichigo sweatdropped. "...Well..Yeah, I guess what they said."
He gestured for Karin to come closer, and he whispered the explanation in her ear. She nodded slowly, eyes wide. "Ohhhhh! That makes sense. Damn, I hope it works. Those two sure are taking long enough."
"I know. Tell Yuzu, before she kills herself," he said with a sweatdrop as she started coughing on her own tears.
"What about Dad?"
They exchanged a look, then waved each other off and went, "Naaaah!"
"Let him sweat a little."
"Yeah, that way he'll be so grateful when she comes back."
"Exactly!"
TWO HOURS LATER...
"Hey Peyton!"
She nearly fell off her bed, she jumped so hard. "Oh, hey Rukia."
"Listen, you're coming with me to Orihime's for a sleepover."
Peyton took the earphones out of her ears. "But it's a school night!"
They just looked at each other before laughing as if she had just told the world's funniest joke. "I'll have to ask my dad."
Rukia waved her off. "No need, I've GOT THIS."
They went downstairs, and Rukia played up her Innocent Schoolgirl act. "Hiya there, Mr. Cullen. Did you get a haircut? It looks GREAT!"
He waved her off all bashful-like. "Bahhh, Rukia! Call me Mark!"
"Okay, Mark! Say...Do you think it'll be alright if Peyton spends the night with me, Orihime, Tatsuki, and Matsumoto?"
Dad scratched his head thoughtfully. "Well...It IS a school night, Rukia."
Miya smacked his thigh halfheartedly. "C'mon, sweetie, they're 16."
Cue Rukia's tear-brimmed, wide violet eyes trick. "See..We just figured we should get her mind off of...You-Know-Who. Like good friends should, you know," she said, stage-whispering Ichigo's new title dramatically.
Dad's lower lip trembled. "That...Is the nicest thing I've ever heard! Please, take her!" Miya sweatdropped and patted his arm comfortingly, turning to wink at the girls as they left.
"Nice job," she mouthed. The two teens gave her thumbs-up before dashing out the door.
Once they got outside, Peyton laughed. "Nice one, Rukia! That bit about getting my mind off Ichigo was priceless!"
"Well, I wasn't lying," she said matter-of-factly.
Peyton gave her a weird look. "Whaddaya mean?"
"We have...Well, Matsumoto called it The Breakup Heaven. We're gonna cheer you up!"
"...WHAT?"
Rukia sighed and tugged her along towards Orihime's. "Aw, c'mon. We know you must be torn up inside about it. Or AT LEAST pissed off. We have the solutions!"
"But Rukiaaaa..."
"We have ice cream."
Peyton eyed her suspiciously. "What KIND of ice cream?"
"Your favorite, of course. Half Baked, from Ben & Jerry's."
"...R-Really?"
"I said it, didn't I?"
Peyton nodded quickly and dragged her to Orihime's. "I THINK I CAN STAY A WHILE!"
FIFTY MINUTES LATER...
"And he ALWAYS has to be right! Not just HAS TO BE, he always flipping IS. How ANNOYING is that?" Peyton ranted, steadily shoveling in her favorite ice cream like a crazy starved person.
Tatsuki nodded. "Oh, I know! He's always been like that. Dumbass suddenly turns the tables and gets smart on you, at the WORST possible time."
"EXACTLY!" Rukia exclaimed.
Peyton held her spoon mid-way to her mouth thoughtfully. "Ya know...I just discovered a shocking revelation..."
"WHAT?" Everyone asked in an excited whisper.
She squeezed her eyes shut in horror. "His hair looks like mac-and-cheese."
"...WHAT?" Everyone repeated, only this time it was in disbelief.
Orihime made a thinking noise. "Mac-and-cheese."
Peyton's lower lip trembled. "Yes. Mac-and-cheese! The really, REALLY cheesy kind! And it happens to be my favorite food, so now...every time I have mac-and-cheese..." She trailed off, bawling against the arm of the chair.
Everyone sweatdropped, and Orihime put an arm around her shoulders. "It'll be okay."
"OKAY? HE'S STOLEN THE JOY OF EATING MY FAVORITE FOOD! HE'S STOLEN MY INNOCENCE AND PURITY! HOW IS THIS OKAY?" She wailed.
She was actually starting to think as if they had broken up for real.
"Jeez, you'd think he had been her first time or something the way she's talking," Matsumoto whispered in disbelief.
"NOT YET, BUT I WAS WORKING ON IIIIITTTT!" She wailed, bawling even more. "NOW I'LL NEVER EVER EVER GET TO SAY I TAPPED THAT!"
Rukia's temple throbbed as she shoved the spoon into her mouth. "FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS CHAPPY, EAT YOUR DAMN ICE CREAM BEFORE IT MELTS SO WE CAN HAVE ONE PERSON NOT BAWL LIKE A MORON TODAY!"
There was a silence as Rukia panted angrily from her outburst, and Tatsuki sweatdropped. "...Damn, Rukia."
"It's true! I have yet to see one person NOT bawl today over your breakup." She paused to shudder, and Peyton's shoveling of the ice cream slowed a little.
"You should've seen Isshin and Yuzu Kurosaki. They looked about to die or something."
That got her lower lip going all over again, and she had the guiltiest look on her face. "...W-WHAAAT? ARE THEY OKAAAY?"
Tatsuki threw a DVD at Rukia's head, but sadly she stood up at the last second to hop onto Peyton's chair and comfort her. "Nice GOING, Rukia!"
"I KILLED THE KUROSAKIS! OHMIGOD, I'M SUCH A HORRIBLE PERSON! THIS IS ALL ICHIGO'S FAAAULT!" She wailed, sobbing uncontrollably.
Matsumoto stood up, hands on her hips, and whistled as loudly as possible. "YOU GUYS!"
Everyone shut up, and the room was so quiet you could hear a pin drop.
..Unless it dropped when Peyton hiccuped real loudly.
"This is NOT how this is supposed to go! First, we get the ice cream. Then we watch romantic movies. Then we gain about ten pounds from all the chocolates and popcorn that're waiting in Orihime's kitchen. All the while bashing Ichigo and how STUPID he must be to pass up someone as incredible, beautiful, funny, caring, downright sexy, and amazing as Peyton Alicia Cullen!" She declared.
Peyton sniffled. "...That's gotta be the nicest thing I've ever heard in my life!"
Matsumoto made a whiny noise. "Please don't start crying again."
She laughed and hiccuped again. "I won't, I promise."
"I know you like horror movies, but do you think we could watch something romantic first?" Orihime asked timidly.
Everyone looked at her, and she shrugged. "It puts people in good moods!"
Matsumoto held up a case cheerfully. "The Notebook?"
They all looked at Peyton, who smiled hesitantly. "The Notebook."
She was bombarded with a hug by Matsumoto as Tatsuki put it in the DVD player. "Yay!"
They all piled up into Peyton's chair, and miraculously fit. "I've never seen this before."
"NEVER, TATSUKI?" Orihime and Matsumoto exclaimed.
"Neither have I," Peyton replied with interest as Rukia pressed play. The short Soul Reaper scoffed. "Jeez, even I've seen THE NOTEBOOK."
"Is it sad?"
The other girls looked at each other before waving off Tatsuki and Peyton. "Nooo, of course not!"
MEANWHILE...
Ichigo heard a huge bang against his window, followed by fizzing. "The hell? Kon, was that you?" He shouted, heading for his window.
Then he remembered Kon had gone with Rukia and rolled his eyes at the thought of what they could be doing to poor Peyton right now.
He opened his window to see Renji, Chad, Toshiro, and...Byakuya? The hell's going on?
"...Why're you throwing stuff at my window?" Ichigo asked them.
Toshiro and Renji used their brute strength (here meaning using their Flash-Steps and totally cheating) to pop up on the roof by his window.
Chad climbed up with ease, while Byakuya stayed down below. "Have you seen my sister?" He shouted up to Ichigo, who pointed towards Orihime's house.
"She's up with the other girls at Orihime Inoue's house."
"...Ah. Thank you."
Ichigo was about to say something, but then Renji held up a hand. "Just wait for it."
Byakuya got about halfway down the street when he suddenly turned around. "Er...Where would I find Orihime's house?"
Ichigo sweatdropped before replying, "Go all the way down, take a right, take two lefts, then go straight 'till you reach the next to last house. Should be filled with either girls crying, or lots of junkfood on the floor."
"Right, right. Thank you."
They waited until he was out of sight before snickering. "Soul Reapers should really invest in some GPS," Ichigo commented.
Renji tossed something at him, and he caught it spastically. "You could use a beer, my friend."
Ichigo shrugged and popped the top. "I thought this whole Post-Breakup comforting thing was for chicks."
"It is. We're here to harass you about your stupidity," was Toshiro's lovely and heartfelt reply.
Ichigo's temple throbbed. "How many damn times do I have to say it? It..was..MUTUAL!"
Renji rolled his eyes and took a swig of his own beer at the same time Ichigo drank some of his. "We heard you the first time you tried to sell us that crap. Why'd you guys break up, anyways?"
He hesitated before eventually sighing tiredly. "I don't even know. We just did."
Chad shook his head. "...Well, THAT'S a bad reason."
"Was the sex bad or something?" Renji asked.
Ichigo nearly fell off the roof. "WHAT?"
"Oh, c'mon. I've heard you two have been caught in the act, like, five times already. So what, were you bad in bed?"
Why does everyone assume I'M the one who would be bad in bed? ...Wait, stupid question. "We haven't done it! Do you not remember the other day, when I informed you I missed out TWICE?"
Toshiro's lower lip trembled at the very thought. "Never speak of that day again.."
They all clinked their beer cans together on that one. "Agreed!"
MEANWHILE...
"...You guys lied right through your teeth!" Peyton declared, wiping at her eyes. Tatsuki blew her nose, looking very sad and defeated. "This was the first time I cried during a movie, EVER," she informed everyone.
Peyton laughed. "You wanna know what's worse than that?"
"What?"
"The only other time I've cried during a movie was during Evita."
"A musical?" Everyone asked.
She huffed defensively. "So what? It was still a sad ending!"
Matsumoto rolled her eyes, and Rukia rifled through her bag. "We need chocolate. I could've sworn I brought some more over here with me...THE HELL!" She screeched suddenly.
Everyone stared with sweatdrops as she pulled out Kon, his mouth smeared with chocolate. At least, everyone HOPED it was chocolate.
He ran on his stubby little legs mid-air before zooming for Peyton, hugging her tightly and burying his face against her.
"PEYTON, I'M SO SORRY! I NEVER SAW THIS COMING! ICHIGO'S SUCH A MORON!" He wailed into her chest, making everyone crack up.
"Kon, I appreciate your concern, but please get off my chest."
He plopped into her lap as if he belonged there, making her temple throb and everyone giggle even more. "Right, my bad! So, what're we watching next?"
"Dunno," Tatsuki replied, totally unconcerned with the talking stuffed animal as she walked into Orihime's kitchen. "I'll get the junk food."
Matsumoto sighed thoughtfully. "Why can't all guys be like Noah?"
"What, the guy in the movie?"
"No, Peyton, the half-naked centaur in Tatsuki's backyard. YES THE GUY IN THE MOVIE!" Rukia replied, making the other two laugh.
"If all guys were like Noah, you wouldn't have anyone to make fun of anymore," Kon pointed out, currently drumming Peyton's thighs like bongos.
"That's true. And Ichigo Kurosaki has always been such an easy target," Tatsuki replied from in the kitchen amidst lots of banging.
Peyton smirked. "True that. Hey, did he ever tell you guys about the one time he went to camp when he was little?"
Everyone crowded around eagerly, and Tatsuki poked her head out of the kitchen with interest. "NO!"
Peyton laughed maniacally before beginning. "Okay, so this one night, he was nearly scared to death because there were lots of wild animals around, right?"
She paused to eat some more ice cream.
"Well, he heard this thumping right next to his bunk bed, so he hid under the covers. Y'know, the international solution to things scaring the crap outta you in the middle of the night."
"Uh-huh!"
"Okay, so it TURNS OUT that it was a ghost, and it slid through the covers to talk to him! Scared him so bad that he-"
"Wet himself?"
"Threw up?"
"HAD A STROKE!" Kon declared, to which everyone sweatdropped. "Nooo. He farted really loud for a good five minutes, waking up not only his cabin but the cabins next door. He never went to camp again," she concluded mysteriously.
Everyone promptly erupted into laughter, and Peyton grinned before eating some more ice cream.
I finally got payback for that tampon thing! Because that spider just wasn't enough...Maybe fake breakups aren't so bad after all.
"FINALLY, I found you, Rukia." Byakuya declared as he simply swung open the door like it was no big thing.
Everyone sweatdropped as Matsumoto cleared her throat and simply said, "Byakuya...No offense, but you're not part of the Post-Breakup Process. The last thing Peyton needs is YOU here!"