Me: We're back!
Ichigo: Enh.
Rukia: (rolls eyes) Oh, how we missed your enthusiasm.
Ichigo: (Points to multiple casts and slings before shoving half a cake into his mouth, making crumbs fly everywhere as he yells) WHAT DO I HAVE TO BE ENTHUSIASTIC ABOUT?
Me: The fact that we're gonna be posting the 69th chapp in ONE HOUR OR SO! YAY!
Rukia: I can't wait to see how it turns out (laughs maniacally)
Ichigo: (Moping) Better be pretty damn good, considering you used it against me so i couldn't get away with pulling violent-yet-hilarious shit on you!
Me: It's called blackmail. And i LOVE blackmail. Oh, and thanks everybody for cake contributions, we are utterly LOVING them! Also, i'd like to thank first-time reviewers, because it's always cool to know you take all that time to catch up with my fic!
Ichigo: ..You are one sappy bitch, you know that?
Me: (Throws gauntlet) YOU TAKE THAT BACK, OR I'LL PERSONALLY SEE TO IT THAT YOU NEVER HAVE HOT HOT SEX! EVEEERRRRR! AND YOU'LL GET MORE CAKES FROM "IM A KITTY THAT LUVZ SWEETS" THAT SAY HOW SORRY THEY ARE YOU MISSED OUT! SO NEH!
Ichigo: ...You...You MONSTER!
Rukia: (Eye-twitch as we start shouting and throwing objects) ...Enjoy.
Rukia's temple throbbed menacingly. "Captain Kuchiki, WHAT are you doing here?"
He sniffed importantly. "I was checking on your whereabouts. My...sources mentioned a scandalous relationship between you and Lieutenant Abarai a while back, and I like to keep my information...fresh."
Everyone but Rukia looked downright confused. Peyton scratched her head thoughtfully. "...Sources? Who're they?"
"A very credible writing source," was all he said. Rukia looked like she wanted to either strangle him, jump off a bridge, or both.
"...Well, as you can see, my intentions are very clear as of right now, Byakuya. I'm helping Peyton through her breakup."
His eyebrows shot up at that. "Breakup?"
Matsumoto started tearing up again. "Her and Ichigo broke up! Isn't it awful?"
He scoffed. "There is absolutely NO WAY that's true."
"Believe it," Peyton replied dully. "Have you not recently checked your SOURCE? I'm sure there's something about it on there," Rukia added in a very menacing tone.
"So...It IS true, then. You and Kurosaki are no longer?"
"Nope. No longer," Peyton replied, even adding a little sniffle.
Everyone's jaws dropped as his lower lip tembled, and he quickly covered his mouth with a fake cough. "...I must take my leave."
And with that he power-walked out of Orihime's house, leaving many, many sweatdrops behind. Peyton was the first to speak.
"...Alright, I think it's time to watch a movie with lots of blood, gore, and good old fashioned violence."
There were noises of agreement as they rifled through Tatsuki's horror collection she brought with her.
THE NEXT DAY...
All five girls came in the next morning looking very tired and dissheveled, yet ultimately in pretty good moods.
"It must SUCK to be single...on Valentine's Day," Orihime mused, making Peyton's temple throb.
"Thanks Orihime. For that."
Chizuru came up to her out of nowhere and hugged her tightly. "Awww, you poor thing! I just found out today, I'm so sorry I skipped school yesterday! Ichigo doesn't deserve you!"
Tatsuki's temple throbbed as she started stroking Peyton's hair. "Men are overrated, Peyton! This is probably the best thing that could've happened to you!"
Tatsuki and Rukia both pried Peyton out of Chizuru's grip, making her pout at them. "I was just trying to help a friend out."
"Switching teams is the LAST thing she wants to do right now!" Tatsuki replied, shooing Chizuru away.
They watched with sweatdrops as Chizuru handed Peyton a slip of paper. "Well, if you need someone to talk to...I stay up extra late. I'm also very flexible. ...And I'm sure my schedule is, too," she purred before strolling away.
Peyton sweatdropped some more as she adjusted her school blouse, which had MYSTERIOUSLY been hitched up her hip on one side.
"...She should really come out of the closet soon, I'm sure it's crushing her inside to hide such a secret."
HOURS LATER...
"So...You're saying Uryu and the Handicrafts Club went to some unknown destination during 4th period, and never came back?" Peyton clarified.
"That would explain where Orihime went off to," Seth said thoughtfully.
"Wait, how'd YOU figure that out?" Rukia asked Lindsay, to which she laughed anxiously. "I was, uh...I was gonna ask Uryu to help me with some alterations for my bridesmaids dress."
"What kind of alterations?"
"Oh, you know...Just make it a little longer."
Peyton sweatdropped. "It's too small for your boobs, isn't it."
"Yep!"
Rukia's temple throbbed as she glanced down at her own chest, which was...let's be honest, not as well-indowed. Peyton patted her shoulder and nodded sadly. "I feel your pain."
Rukia's temple throbbed again. "Not hardly, at least you HAVE some."
"I didn't always! They'll grow, Rukia, I promise."
Seth sweatdropped. "If y'all are done with your sentimental chick moment, I'd REALLY like to find out what Uryu's up to."
Peyton smirked. "What, you think he's gonna steal your woman?"
He held up a finger to argue, but then huffed and stomped off. "Just because YOU got dumped on your ass, doesn't mean you have to make everyone else's relationships suck!"
"I DIDN'T GET DUMPED, YOU JERK!"
"IT WAS MUTUAL!" Ichigo added, scaring the crap out of Peyton and Lindsay. "WHEN THE HELL DID YOU GET HERE?"
Rukia sweatdropped. "Jeez Peyton, you'd think by now you'd be able to sense his reiatsu."
Lindsay gave them confused looks. "Reiatsu? What's that?"
Peyton huffed moodily, feeling very stupid by now. "...I'm just used to it always lingering around nearby, I don't usually notice it. Now, IF YOU'RE ALL READY, I'm kinda curious as to what the hell Ishihackaloogie's been up to!"
With that, she stomped off, and Lindsay still looked kind of confused. She gave Ichigo and Rukia strange looks. "...Is it a body spray?"
Ichigo's temple throbbed, and he just shook his head before following Peyton and her brother. Lindsay folded her arms over her middle and pouted. "Just a question."
THREE HOURS LATER...
"Hey Peyton."
"Hmm?"
"I've thought of a word that rhymes with orange," Ichigo stated smugly.
She eyed him suspiciously, careful to dodge the potholes on Karakura's oldest street. "You mean BESIDES Schmorange?"
"Yep."
Rukia cocked an eyebrow and whispered to Lindsay and Renji, "This isn't quite the Post-Breakup behavior I expected..."
Renji shrugged. "They ARE practically best friends...Who like to torture each other for fun."
Lindsay nodded. "I think that without Ichigo, Peyton wouldn't have her rage fix for the day. And then...we would all be royally SCREWED, my friends."
Matsumoto sighed heavily, shaking her head sadly. "Whoever switched those ballots caused the world's most dynamic duo to split apart, and for that, they should suffer a horrible death."
Toshiro scratched his neck anxiously, which went unnoticed by everyone but Lindsay. She watched in amusement as he reacted to the other statements.
"Perhaps a beating, followed by exile?" Rukia suggested. Cue a nervous cough from Toshiro.
Renji waved her off. "Nahhh, they made Ichigo all depressed. So THEREFORE, since us dudes had to make him UN-depressed, whoever it was should be stoned to death."
"An execution sounds even better," Matsumoto replied. Cue a gulp from Toshiro.
"Like what?" Lindsay asked, eyeing the white-haired underclassman suspiciously.
"Hmmm..." The other three muttered, stroking their chins in thought.
Renji held up a finger. "Ah-HA! We should reassemble the Sokyoku!" Toshiro was turning paler and paler by the second, and Lindsay cocked an eyebrow.
"The Sokyoku?"
Ichigo and Peyton paused their argument over whether or not "Door hinge" rhymed with "Orange" to wait for the others.
"Yeah, what's that?" Peyton chimed. Ichigo gulped. "Nothing you wanna know about." Toshiro nodded grimly, and she huffed. "If I didn't wanna know about it, I wouldn't have asked, would I?"
"Because I couldn't POSSIBLY know what I'm talking about," Ichigo replied moodily.
"I think I know MYSELF better than YOU."
"Oh really? Ask me anything, I bet I know it."
"Alright. Hmmm...What...was the worst injury I've ever gotten BEFORE I met you?"
"Either the time when you busted your head open sledding down the stairs, trying to recreate one of your favorite scenes from Home Alone...OR the time your grandma ran over your foot and broke it in three places."
Lindsay laughed to herself. "Ha! I remember that...I still can't believe you didn't listen to her."
"JUST because she SAID she would run me over if I didn't hurry up and get in the car, DOESN'T mean she would actually have the guts to do it! I mean, how was I supposed to know?"
Ichigo smirked. "She's related to you, isn't she? You'd run me over on my foot in a heartbeat if I didn't heed your warning."
BAM!
"DAMMIT, PEYTON, THE SEWER COVER'S SUPPOSED TO STAY ON TOP OF THE HOLE!"
"NO ONE WAS WALKING THERE, I CAN PUT IT BACK!"
Renji laughed rather childishly, pointing at the sewer cover. "Hey! Now every time I pass this street, I can point out to everyone Ichigo's blood!"
Ichigo simply huffed, while Peyton giggled, making Matsumoto's eyebrows shoot up.
"So what's a Sokyoku?"
Everyone looked at Rukia for whatever reason, and her expression got all absent-looking.
"It's a form of execution usually reserved for those with extremely strong spiritual powers, namely Soul Reaper captains. A giant halberd that utterly destroys a soul on contact."
Toshiro was walking even slower now, and Peyton slowed down to walk beside him. Quite frankly, she was worried.
He DID devour a ton of cafeteria food today. If that wasn't enough to make one sick, she didn't know what was.
Rukia sighed before continuing. "When released, Sokyoku takes on the form of a phoenix, its true form. It's called the Kikoo. The Kikoo has the destructive power of one million zanpakuto, and that power is multiplied by a factor of 10 at the moment it pierces through the one unfortunate enough to face it."
Peyton started turning pale herself, shuddering at the thought of one million of Ichigo's blades stabbing through someone with ten times more of Matsumoto's, Toshiro's, Rukia's, and Renji's.
No wonder everyone was so grim.
Well, minus Matsumoto as she nodded brightly. "Well, that sounds a bit appropriate."
Renji squeezed Rukia's shoulder, snapping her out of her sudden serious mood. She sucked in a breath before looking between Peyton and Ichigo thoughtfully.
"Actually...I think they should reintroduce the Spirit-Sealing Pit for this."
Toshiro then keeled over, making everyone sweatdrop.
Peyton and Matsumoto crouched on both sides of him, fanning him, while Ichigo started flat-out laughing uncontrollably.
"What's the Spirit-Sealing Pit?" Lindsay asked slowly, trying to understand what the hell they were talking about and how the hell Peyton more-or-less understood it.
"An ancient form of execution in which criminals are thrown into a pit walled with sekki sekki rock."
Rukia noticed Lindsay wasn't the only one wondering what the hell kind of rock that was, and sighed impatiently at the same time they revived Toshiro and he slowly sat up, Matsumoto patting his back worriedly.
"A type of stone that absorbs spiritual power, preventing those nearby from using their powers. Hollows are then thrown into the pit with the criminals as the means of execution."
A collective shudder passed throughout the group, and Toshiro fainted again, making Peyton's temple throb.
Lindsay sighed and shook her head. "I don't understand what Hollows, or Soul Reapers, or even what a HALBERD is!"
"Let's say Hollows are like ferocious wild animals, Soul Reapers are the police from our old town, and as for a halberd...It's a two-handed weapon consisting of an axe-like blade topped with a spike mounted on a long shaft."
Poor Lindsay looked even more confused with her description of a halberd, to which Ichigo tapped her shoulder. "In normal-people terms, it's an upside-down battle axe that's extremely creepy and painful."
"Ohhh! Why didn't you just say THAT, Rukia?"
Rukia's temple throbbed, and she stomped off. "I can't help it that I have a much vaster intellect. Where the hell's Uryu Ishida?"
"AND my girlfriend," Seth added moodily, making Peyton chuckle to herself like the good little sister she was.
They soon got their answer as they turned the corner (Peyton supporting Toshiro on one side, much to her amusement) and Seth ran right into...
"HOLY SHIT, IT'S EDWARD!" Lindsay and Matsumoto squealed.
Toshiro huffed in disgust at his Lieutenant's excitement and quite obvious drooling over the Twilight-Character-Look-A-Like.
He looked at them all before asking slowly, "Uhhh...Are you guys here for the convention?"
"Convention?" Everyone asked as if HE were the odd one.
Edward-Wannabe jerked his thumb behind him to the massive building, which they could now hear pulsating in time with some song.
"Yeah. Karakura Town's first annual Twilight Convention?"
Peyton and Ichigo exchanged looks that clearly read "HOLY CRAP, WE SHOULD'VE KNOWN!".
"And...WHO orchestrated such an amazing event in Karakura history?" Peyton asked suspiciously.
"Oh. The Handicrafts Club from the high school. That one guy's pretty epic with his needle."
Ichigo and Renji exchanged smirks. "Oh, so you've seen his needle, eh?"
Edward-Wannabe's face lighted up a little. "Oh, yeah! It's pretty long compared to your average needle."
"Is it...pointy, too?" Peyton asked, obviously not trying to roll on the ground with laughter like Renji and Ichigo and Seth were currently doing.
"Extremely. Pretty sharp. He says he has to be careful not to move his fingers against it too quickly, or else it could penetrate in the wrong area at the wrong time."
"Hahaha! Yeah, uh...I'm sure he has to be quick about it, before his dad comes in to see why he's been in there for so long," Seth replied from the ground.
That got Peyton down on the ground laughing, and Renji added, "Yeah! And why his dad's favorite magazine's gone!"
Edward-Wannabe just stared at them with a sweatdrop, Lindsay and Matsumoto's temples throbbing menacingly as they rolled around with laughter some more.
Rukia sighed and shook her head. "You'll have to excuse them. They're Karakura's most perverted citizens."
Edward-Wannabe just shrugged and headed a little ways off to take his smoking break, while the laughing idiots slowly recovered.
Matsumoto and Lindsay kicking them until they stopped sure helped speed up the process.
SEVEN MINUTES LATER...
"My hand hurts, let's hurry up and get this over with," Peyton whined as she and Ichigo attempted to find Toshiro amidst the crowd of convention-goers.
Which was not-so-surprisingly huge.
She had been giving autographs to people all night who either: a) recognized them from the YouTube video, b) wanted to try and convince people she was the newest addition to the Cullen Clan, or c) both.
Ichigo yawned. "I'm just ready to get this over with so I can sleep."
"I hear that. The Post-Breakup Heaven Orihime and Matsumoto set up for me last night did NOT have sleeping involved."
"Didn't Kon crash that?"
"Nope, he just ate all the chocolate in Rukia's bag."
"Did Byakuya ever get there?"
"You knew about that?"
"I gave him directions," he announced with a laugh, and she laughed too at the thought of Byakuya needing directions.
"Yeah, he showed up. Mentioned something about hearing from his 'credible writing sources' about Rukia and Renji a while back, and ever since, he likes to 'keep his information fresh'."
Ichigo started laughing for a good three minutes straight, but then he spotted Toshiro and exchanged a sneaky grin with Peyton.
They crept up behind him, ready to grab the short Captain and run. "But HOW can a vampire not EVER attack his lover during her menstrual cycle, as my friend Peyton has pointed out many times?" Toshiro was asking a girl dressed up as Bella, who sweatdropped as he was then grabbed by Peyton and Ichigo.
She grabbed his arms, he grabbed his legs, and they zoomed over to interrogate him behind the stage curtains, which they guessed was set up for some kind of godawful reenactment.
FOUR MINUTES LATER...
"We're not happy, Toshiro."
They currently had him tied to a wooden chair, pacing around him. "NOT happy," Peyton repeated, hands folded behind her back ominously.
"What the hell's WRONG with you two?" Toshiro hissed, struggling against the ropes.
Ichigo stroked his fake Italian moustache thoughtfully. "Someone switched the ballots, causing us to break up. We don't like being broken up, DO WE Peyton?"
"No, Ichigo, we don't."
"See? See? I told you. We don't like it. So we thought for a minute on who could have POSSIBLY been so gutsy, so STUPID, to switch the ballots. And then we thought of the ones voted for Karakura High's cutest couple. YOU and your lovely Lieutenant."
"Lovely."
"We know she didn't do it, judging by how torn up she was when she found out we broke up."
"Torn up, she was."
"Then we realized that as a Captain, you might as well be a politician."
"Politician."
"You know WHY we thought of this, Toshiro?"
"Yeah, WHY, Toshiro?"
He sweatdropped at the stupidity of it all before sighing and replying through gritted teeth, "NO, I don't. How am I like a politician?"
"BECAUSE, you know how to cheat to get revenge."
"Cheat to get revenge, Toshiro."
"And we were not pleased."
"We weren't."
"So we want to get payback, Toshiro."
"Payback."
"How?" Toshiro asked worriedly.
They both abruptly stopped pacing to grin evilly at him. "We want you to admit your true feelings for your Lieutenant, Rangiku Matsumoto."
Toshiro didn't even notice Peyton barrel-rolling out of sight as he started ranting. "I DO NOT HAVE ROMANTIC INTEREST IN MY LIEUTENANT! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU TWO? JUST BECAUSE I TALKED YOU INTO COMING TO YOUR SENSES, DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN DO THE SAME, YOU ORANGE-HAIRED BASTARD!"
"Oh REALLY?"
"REALLY!"
"Say it."
"No."
"Say it."
"No."
"Say it."
"No!"
"Say it."
"NO!"
"SAY IT," Ichigo growled, holding up a hot iron poker ominously and making Peyton sweatdrop from behind Toshiro. Where the hell did he find that?
Toshiro started wriggling, glaring at him. "You wouldn't DARE."
"Oh, I think you both know I would," he replied smugly as he advanced towards him.
Toshiro started kicking out his legs, and Peyton clicked on the machine excitedly. "ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT! FINE! I WILL ADMIT...THAT I CARE FOR HER ON A LEVEL HIGHER THAN CAPTAIN-TO-LIEUTENANT! I CARE, I CARE, I CARE, I FUCKING CARE! NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES SHE REFUSES TO DO THE DAMN PAPERWORK, OR ANNOYS THE HELL OUT OF ME, OR EVEN WHEN SHE MAKES ME TRY HER AND/OR ORIHIME'S COOKING, I STILL...FRICKING...CARE ABOUT HER!"
"...And...WHO is that you're talking about? State her full name, if you please."
"Ran-...RANGIKU MATSUMOTO, YOU IMBECILE!"
He then panted angrily before his eyes grew wide. "Wait...Why is my voice echoing?"
Peyton waved the microphone to and fro innocently, and the curtains opened a tiny bit to reveal Matsumoto's wide blue eyes.
From what Peyton could see, on the stage was Bella getting ready to do that scene where she asks Jessica about the Cullens as they entered the lunchroom.
She must've forgotten her lines for the time being after hearing Toshiro's outburst.
"Captain...You mean that?"
"Unfortunately," he muttered, looking at his shoes.
There was a long silence before Matsumoto ran up and hugged him, nearly squeezing the life out of him. "Toshiro, that has to be the nicest thing you've ever said to me! Or to anybody! You switched the ballots for me? WHEN DID YOU GET SO TOLERABLE?"
Peyton and Ichigo exchanged a smug grin, and he wrapped an arm around her shoulders as they totally savored this one moment where Toshiro would let Matsumoto strangle him and NOT kill her later.
"I believe our work here is done."
"I believe so."
"ENOUGH WITH THE FAKE ITALIAN ACCENTS!" Toshiro shouted.
Matsumoto paused in her Captain's strangulation to eye them weirdly. "You guys got back together?"
"We never split up," Ichigo replied smugly. "We just wanted to get back at Captain Panties-In-A-Wad for fucking with the ballots."
Peyton nodded. "Pulling dumbass pranks is OUR department, and we don't need Toshiro trying to break our Stupidity Streak!"
Not that they were expecting their friends to understand, but Ichigo and Peyton certainly didn't expect to be chased through Karakura town by Matsumoto, Rukia, and Toshiro hopping as he was still tied to the chair, until the police were called to "apprehend the rabid teenagers".