Bend It Like Becker

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Chapter 31 - REGRETS & RISKS

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Becker was having a restless evening. It was the first time he'd been home in days - and the first time he'd been home ALONE in a week - but he couldn't seem to settle down and relax, as his conversation with Abby kept running over and over through his mind.

The moment she'd gotten him alone in the car, she'd skipped any preamble and gotten straight to the point. "So when are you going to come clean with Jess?"

This instantly got Becker's back up. "Listen, Abigail, my affairs are none of your business."

"That might be true if 'your affairs' weren't interfering with anything else. But when your lovesick demeanor is getting in the way of your work, it becomes my business."

"Lovesick?" Becker scoffed.

Abby shrugged. "Let me put it to you this way. I'm guessing that you think about Jess all the time. That you enjoy every moment you're together and miss her when you're apart. That you're constantly worried about her well-being. That the mere sight of her smile can brighten your gloomiest mood. That you long to be near her, to touch her - hell, Becker, you spent practically the entire day at the Pet Show holding her hand! If that's not lovesick, I don't know what is."

Becker sat and glared out the windscreen, refusing to look at his mate. He wanted to defend himself, to point out that friends worry about each other and enjoy spending time together, that everyone liked Jess's sunny disposition, and that it was Jess who'd held HIS hand and not the other way around. But it was obvious Abby had his number; she could tell his feelings ran deeper than that, even if he didn't want to admit them to himself. If he'd been a character in a courtroom drama, he might've declared, "We concede the phrase 'lovesick'," but Becker wasn't about to give Abby the satisfaction. Instead, he merely grumbled, "It's...complicated."

This made Abby laugh. "Becker, relationships are complicated. Connor and I didn't get where we are overnight; it was a long and, as you say, complicated process. But some things are worth a little extra effort. Don't you think Jess might be one of them?"

What was Becker to say? Of course Jess was worth the effort. From the moment he'd met her, he'd been willing to go out of his way to make sure she was okay. Hell, he'd even been willing to sacrifice his own life for hers. But that didn't mean anything - it was his duty, he was trained to defend and protect those he worked alongside.

Of course, he knew that's not what Abby was talking about. And it now occurred to him that while he would happily face down bombs and all manner of deadly predators on Jess's behalf, the thought of simply looking deep into her big blue eyes and telling her how much he cared for her made his blood run cold. And he knew the reason why. Because to be with Jess would be pure selfishness on his part, since he'd only wind up hurting her in the end.

"I don't want to hurt her, Abby," Becker said aloud. "And I would."

"Why? Because you've made mistakes in the past? We all have. But if I've learnt one thing from this job, it's that you can't live in the past, because who knows what tomorrow will bring. We have dangerous jobs, Becker. Any one of us could be killed any day. And how would you feel if you died before telling her how much you care for her?" She paused for a moment before adding, "How would you feel if SHE died not knowing?"

Becker felt a chill run up his spine, knowing she almost had. He could still remember the beetle incident with perfect clarity, cradling Jess in his arms, willing her to live. He'd felt that same sense of heart-stopping dread when he'd gotten her text about being trapped with the future predators - he'd never been so happy to see her bloodsmeared face, since he'd been certain that they'd arrive too late. Yet in both those instances, as soon as the danger was over, he'd immediately returned to business as usual, treating Jess as nothing more than a friend. And if that overwhelming sense of relief hadn't been enough to motivate him to tell her how he really felt, it was clear he'd never have the courage to do to so.

"Abby, I just...I can't."

Silence filled the car for several minutes before Abby spoke again.

"Becker, there will always be an excuse, a reason why you shouldn't go after what you want. She's too young, she'd be a distraction, she's not compatible, she's WAY out of your league." Becker turned to glare at Abby at this last, and she smiled smugly. "Just making sure you're actually paying attention, because this is important." She heaved a heavy sigh before continuing, "Listen, as the one who dragged my feet in Connor's and my relationship, believe me, I know what you're going through. It's hard, it means allowing yourself to be vulnerable and to risk getting hurt. But do you know what my one regret is?" As she pulled the car to a stop at a traffic light, she turned and looked meaningfully at Becker. "I regret that I waited so long to tell him, that I wasted precious time that we could've spent together because I was too scared to let him know how I felt. And I don't want to see you make the same mistake."

The light changed, and Abby turned her gaze back to the road in front of them.

"Just think of me as your own private Cretaceous," she continued. "Trust me, I would've much preferred a friendly nudge from a mate than a yearful of raptors forcing me to face up to my feelings." She flashed him a bittersweet smile, and Becker could sense her lecture was over.

Only it wasn't, because he'd spent the entire evening dwelling on her words. Abby wasn't just acting as matchmaker or busybody - she clearly wanted to protect him from the same pain and regret she'd gone through. And if Becker understood anything, it was regret. He'd watched so many friends and colleagues be killed, oftentimes on his watch, that he felt his regret quota was nearly topped up already. But Abby was right - if Jess were killed before he got around to telling her how he really felt, he didn't think he'd be able to stand it.

So perhaps he should go ahead and pursue a relationship with Jess, despite his reservations. It was obvious that when he messed up, as he felt certain he would, Abby would be there to kick him back into line.

But better her than a raptor!

...

The ride to Emily's flat was entirely too short, so Jess waited in the car whilst her friend ran up to tell Matt she wouldn't be joining him for dinner. Upon her return, Jess asked, "So what kind of food are you in the mood for? Chinese? Indian? Italian? Or there's this amazing new French-"

"Actually, if you don't mind, I've just been craving a simple stew."

Jess nodded - after growing up in Victorian times and then spending three years foraging for survival, today's menus must seem a bit exotic to Emily. "A stew. Hmm...Oh, there's a pub nearby. That would probably have something simple. How does that sound?"

Emily agreed, and Jess turned down the street towards the Dog and Pony. After ordering (and yes, they had Irish stew on the menu), they sat down in a quiet corner booth. Jess leant across the table, about to continue the conversation where she'd left off, when she suddenly found herself being shifted over by someone sliding into the booth next to her.

"Why, if it isn't the two loveliest ladies from the ARC," Scott said, flashing them both a cheesy smile. "So what are you two doing out by yourselves? If you're lonely, you know, my mates and I would be happy to join you."

"How very pleasant to see you here this evening, Mr. Scott," Emily said serenely. "I'm sorry to disappoint you and your no-doubt charming friends, but Jess and I were just about to partake of a private supper. However, we wish you a lovely evening and shall look forward to seeing you tomorrow at work."

Jess was amazed - she'd never heard anyone be, at once, so polite yet so dismissive. Even Scott, who could be intentionally oblivious when it came to amiable rejections, instantly recognised he'd been flattened. He sheepishly slid back out of the booth, apologising, "Sorry to interrupt. I'll, uh, see you two later," before slinking off to the bar.

Emily then turned back to Jess as if nothing had happened. "You were about to say?"

Jess opened her mouth to speak, but the sight of Scott in her peripheral vision made her hesitate. She couldn't help but worry that Scott might overhear something, and he was the last person she'd ever want to know her private feelings. So instead she started regaling Emily with silly tales of her weekend, being careful to leave out the more intimate details regarding the hand-holding, the key, and obviously her awkward late-night ramblings. Her eyes kept flitting over to the bar, hoping that Scott would leave so she'd be free to talk about Becker, but he seemed to be here for the long haul. Finally, after explaining to Emily about the joys of telecommuting and the dangers of mixing whiskey with pain meds, she casually steered the conversation away towards more general topics.

The remainder of their meal was enjoyable, but Jess couldn't help but regret not having the chance to truly discuss the Becker situation with her friend. However, Emily seemed able to read between the lines, for the moment they got back in the car, she began, "I believe I've identified your problem with Captain Becker."

"You have?" Jess asked, eager to hear what nuggets of wisdom her friend had been able to glean from their brief talk.

Emily nodded. "I'm aware of your disappointment in being unable to discuss the situation with me at supper, and I believe that in itself is the source of your difficulties."

"Huh?" Jess was confused. "I don't follow."

"I've found that there are two paths to a happy life. One path is to simply accept your current situation and gather whatever pleasure from it you can; the other is to actively pursue your own desires, but that path requires taking risks. Take this evening, for example - although we shared a lovely meal together, you weren't able to enjoy it because it wasn't what you'd been hoping for, yet you weren't willing to talk about Becker anyway, simply accepting the risk that Scott might overhear. I'm guessing it's the same when you're with Becker. You two have a wonderfully close friendship, yet you aren't willing to accept it for what it is nor take the risk to tell him how you truly feel. Am I correct?"

Jess felt as if she'd been kicked in the stomach. She'd known Emily would be honest, but she hadn't expected the truth to be quite so brutal. And Emily was right - Jess tended to see the bright side in most situations, but when it came to Becker, she was constantly wanting more but unwilling to just come out and say so.

Emily must've noticed Jess's frown for she went on, "I am sorry if I upset you. I thought you wanted my opinion."

"Oh, I did," Jess said. "I mean, I do. It's just...I guess I..."

"You were hoping I'd say it was all Becker's fault and then give you a simple solution to fix him."

Jess laughed - although she hadn't realised it, that's exactly what she'd been hoping for. "Since when did you become such a mindreader?"

Emily shrugged. "It's easy to recognise in others what one doesn't want to see in oneself."

Hmmm. Intriguing, Jess thought, wondering what exactly her friend meant by her statement but afraid to ask.

The rest of the brief drive was made in silence, each caught up in their own thoughts. But as Jess pulled up to Matt's building for the second time that evening, she blurted out, "I really do appreciate your advice. And I'm sorry if I ruined your dinner."

Emily shook her head. "You didn't ruin mine - I quite enjoyed our evening together. I am just sorry that you weren't able to."

Jess nodded, chagrinned. "Next time, I promise." As Emily stepped out of the car, Jess leant over the seat to add, "And perhaps then we can focus on dissecting your private life."

Emily smiled and shut the door with a simple, "Goodnight," before Jess headed towards home, with Emily's words still echoing through her head.

...

to be continued