Me: BACK AGAIN!
Ichigo and Carmen: (Mock enthusiasm) Yaaaayyyy.
Me: OH! Right! I would like to credit my inspiration for randomly adding Carmen SanDiego (minus playing the game and all that when i was younger) to TheSaeSeries. She's on deviant art, look her up if you know what Fatal Frame and Rule of Rose are, her comics are HILARIOUS on the subject.
Ichigo: MOVING ON.
Rukia: Why would you WANT to move on, considering how in this chapp you-
Everyone: SPOILER ALERT, FOR FUCK'S SAKE, RUKIA!
Rukia: (Cue Poor Innocent Kicked Puppy look) ...Sorry.
Carmen: Aww, it's okay! ^_^
Me and Ichigo: DON'T fall for THAT! ...It's a facade.
Ichigo: FALLACY, I SAY!
Rukia: Do you even know what that means?
Ichigo: I'm not ENTIRELY sure, but it makes me think of hens for whatever reason...And Virginia...
Everyone: (Massive sweatdrop)
Me: JUST WHEEL OUT THE CAKES! KOOOON!
Carmen: He's still recuperating.
Me: ...Oookay, YOU go get the cakes! NOOOOWW!
Carmen: On it. (Hollers over shoulder) WHEEL 'EM IN!
George W. Bush: (Comes running in spastically with tray with Cake Number One. It's from Sierra, and it's a cake shaped like a flip flop with a giant-ass ant on it with the words: The Dreaded Karakura Fire Ants, while also depicting Peyton kicking Ichigo's currently NOT hot orange ass)
Me: (Laughs at Ichigo's fury) It's a PURE MASTERPIECE!
Rukia: (Peers at Former Prez) ...Who the hell are YOU?
George: ...ME? Whyyy, I am George Dubyah Bush! Former President of these United States!
Everyone: (Sweatdrop) ...This fic takes place in Karakura, Japan.
George: ...Oh...My, uh...NO ONE INFORMED MEEEHHH!
Me: (Sighs and shakes head) Whatever. CAKE NUMBER TWO, NOWWW!
George: YES MA'AM! (Wheels out Cake Number Two, from Josie-Chan. It's a 3 yards by 3 yards 6-layer chocolate cake with Reece's on top. The top of the cake says "ALL HAIL THE GREAT AWSOMESAUCE, FUNNY, AND PERVY AUTHOR". She also sent poor Kon a first-aid kit and a small cake that says "STOP BEING AN IDIOT AND MAYBE U WONT GET HURT U DUMBASS!")
Me: (Sniffles dramatically) S...So BEAUTIFUL!
Carmen: (Looking at reflection) ...Yes. Yes, I know.
Ichigo: (Sweatdrop) ...Dubyah, please just roll out the next cake. NOW!
George: INDEED! (Wheels out Cake Number Three, from...Ooops, lied again. It's no CAKE, it's from Mer, and it's a... a giant HD TV ! But it isn't a regular TV. It's completely made of starbursts, yet it works like a regular TV! Playing on its screen is when Hiyori gives Peyton her sandal. Peyton(the Yankee of Justice!, as Mer referred to her) then attacks Ichigo with the sandal of death("you are one amazing sandal", the subtitles say with a Anime Smilie Face).
Me: NAAOOO! (Falls to knees) MER, I SHALL CATCH YOU NEXT TIME ON THAT REQUEST FOR THE CAKE-WHEELING! I am sure we can...work it out... (Looking at George with my "evil plan" face)
Ichigo: (Pats his shoulder) Nice knowin' ya, bud.
George: (Gulps) Uhhh, I'll...go...GET NUMBER THREE! OR FOUR! WHATEVER YOU PREFER, MISTRESS MANDY!
Carmen: (Sweatdrops) Mistress Mandy? He's been hanging around Bill Clinton too long...
Everyone: OHHHH DANG!
George: (Wheels in Cake Number Four, from austmadman. It's a double-layer Boston mud cake covered in custard)
Me: I'd ALSO like to say thank you to austmadman for his review, he's a new reviewer and his review made me laugh XD. Actually, all your reviews do, but STILL. Also, thank you to ShatterTheHeavens, who i don't THINK has reviewed before, and AnimeAddict127, who provided our last cake! ALSO, I'd like to correct an error from before. Hollownature...is a dude. MY BAD!
Ichigo: FAIL.
Me: Shut your ASS!
Carmen: Isn't it shut your FACE?
Me: Exactly. ON TO THE LAST TWO CAKES! NAAAAAOOOOWWW!
George: YES INDEEDY, MISTRESS MANDY!
Me: (Temple throb) This Mistress Mandy thing, ain't gonna fly. Sorry.
George: (Anime tears) But...But...All your OTHER cake-wheeler-outers get to call you Mistress Mandy! THAT'S NOT FA-A-A-AAAIIR!
Me: (Temple throb times two) ...Just. Get. The. DAMN CAKE!
George: (Wheels it out hurriedly) SORRY!
(Cakes/Treats Numbers Five, Six, and Seven are from hollownature. There's maple sugar fudge for me, dark chocolate fudge to Ichigo (also to help Peyton get over her "gift" faster) and rocky road fudge (with marshmallows)in the shape of Chappy the Beloved Rabbit to Rukia.)
Me: Thanks again! I TOLD you I'd check my PMs to make sure I remembered those! ^_^
Ichigo: You want an effing prize?
Me: (Sweatdrops and points to millions of cakes) ...What the hell do you call THESE?
Ichigo: Well...Uh...
Carmen: (Eyeing goodies greedily) LAST CAKE, HURRY IT UP!
Georgie Porgie: YES MISS SANDIEGO! (Wheels out Cake Number Eight, from AnimeAddict127. It's a 5-layer German chocolate cheesecake. On the first layer is Peyton singing "Not MYYY problem!" while covered in condiments. On the second layer is Ichigo freaking out. And at the top a solid chocolate flip flop sprinkled with Awesomesauce!)
Me: YAAAY!
Ichigo: (Huffs) Stupid condiments. That was the weirdest night of my LIFE. Sleeping in my bed was the weirdest! I mean-
Carmen: (Waves him off) Yeah yeah, no one cares. ENJOY!
Rukia: (Narrows eyes) Ms. SanDiego, I believe you just stole my line.
Carmen: Looks like i DID!
Ichigo, Me, and George: (Eat popcorn and watch catfight that ensues) Carmen SanDiego Versus Rukia Kuchiki. Battle OF THE AGES! ENJOOOOY!
Carmen and Rukia: HEY, THAT'S MY LINE!
Rukia: Bitch, I don't care WHO you are, i will CUUUUT YOUUUU!
"Peeeeytooon?"
"Hmmm?"
"I'm gonna kiiiilllll yooouuu," Ichigo replied in an innocent tone. She simply smirked, eyes still closed. "I got ketchup and mustard everywhere, didn't I?"
"Oh HELL YES you did."
She sighed and slipped her hand further underneath the pillow, burying her face as well, and tried to fall back asleep. "Can you kill me in the morning?"
"Morning's already passed, according to Rukia. She came in here, took one look at my bed, and said Yuzu was gonna kill me for missing breakfast AND making her have to wash my sheets again so soon."
"Why don't you wash them?" That stupid question was almost instantly followed by a "Nevermind," as she remembered that one time he tried to kiss major ass by loading the washer to give her less chores.
Let's just say she almost drowned in bubbles that day.
Peyton nearly jumped out of her skin when she heard a strange WHOOOOOSH noise. "ICHIGO, WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?"
"...Reddi-Whip," he replied as if it were obvious, his mouth full.
Peyton sweatdropped. "...Charming."
"Heeey, guess what?"
"Do I have to guess?"
"No."
"Okay. What?"
"I was thinking..."
"Should I be afraid?"
"Probably."
She shrugged, grasping the air for the whipped cream can after hearing her stomach grumble for it. "Fiiinne."
"Weeelll, Lisa talking about condiments the other night-"
"Got you hungry?"
"Noooo."
Peyton huffed. He sounded WAY too sure of himself. His hand wrapped around her wrist, leaving her palm up in mid-air.
"Awww, WHAT?" She asked, turning onto her back to see what the hell he was doing.
Ichigo simply smirked at her, brushing the hair off the left side of her neck, and she jumped yet again when he sprayed some Reddi-Whip across the hollow of her neck.
Peyton eyed him suspiciously. "Are you doing what I think you're doing?"
"Probably."
She sighed heavily as he bent down to her neck. "Ichigooo."
"Whaaat?"
"I have to pee."
He sweatdropped. "...Are you kidding me? You seriously have to pee? SERIOUSLY? RIGHT NOW?"
"I said it, didn't I? You KNOW I always have to pee when I wake up!"
"Can't you hold it for just a little while?" He whined, practically bouncing in place. Peyton sweatdropped, and he took her lack of movement as a response.
Times like these, I really wonder if my bladder is just out to TOTALLY fuck me over, She thought moodily as he worked his magic. Her resolve weakened even more as he nibbled the now-whipped-cream-less hollow of her neck, and it was all she could do to not moan.
If she moaned, they'd both be done for, and so would her bladder after a few minutes.
His mouth was trailing down even further while his hand made a trail down her whole side, pausing to knead the skin where her lower stomach and hip met. She groaned and sat up miserably, making him strike the Ultimate Depressed Pose.
"Ichigooo, I can't help it, I gotta PEEEE! As in NOW!"
"Oh come ON! That's so not fair!"
"OH, LIKE I THOUGHT IT WAS!" She snapped as she practically ran to the bathroom.
Peyton shut the bathroom door and locked it behind her. "Stupid Ichigo, trying to trick me into making my bladder suffer. No way. Whipped cream can wait, urine can NOT."
She wasn't even done peeing yet before Ichigo knocked on the bathroom door. She sighed. "Ichigo, you can wait a few minutes!"
"No, not that! I have to pee now!"
Peyton paused, a slow and deliberate grin spreading onto her face. "...Oh, REALLY? YOU have to pee this time? How ironic!"
"Yeah, bitter irony at its best, now come on and open the door already!"
"Oops, can't, I'm on the toilet right now. SORRY!"
He knocked again as she flushed the toilet, and she took as much time as possible to wash her hands. Peyton then knocked on the door right back at him, and he groaned. "Come ON, lemme in! This is hazardous to my health!"
"...Hmm...Ya know...I think I'll just take a shower while I'm in here. Might as well, right?" She said cheerfully.
"NOOOO!"
"Oh, I'm sorry, WHAT? I CAN'T HEAR YOU, THE WATER'S RUNNING!" Peyton called out in an almost musical tone as she turned the shower on full-blast.
"PEYTON ALICIA CULLEN, LEMME IN OR I'LL NEVER KISS YOU AGAIN!"
She snorted a laugh. "Chyeah right, LIKE THAT'LL HAPPEN!"
"...Okay, caught me, but PLEEE-E-E-EASE LEMME IN! IF YOU LOVED ME, YOU'D LET ME IN THE BATHROOM!"
Peyton simply continued to wriggle out of her dress. "Oh, I love you, just...hmm...think of this as...MENTAL STRENGTHENING!"
She could practically see the sweatdrop sliding down his face. "...Mental strengthening. How about DESTROYING MY BLADDER?"
"Well, that's not MY problem."
"Is too! I'll never have kids, and sex will SUCK!"
"Weeelll, there are always alternatives to solve THAT problem. ...Alternatives for ME, anyway."
"...Wait...WAIT...WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?"
Peyton just started humming extremely loud as she hopped into the shower, and she heard a resonating groan from behind the door, making her grin.
FORTY MINUTES LATER...
"Oh my God...Oh my God...OH MY GOD, WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLY BE DOING IN THERE?" He shouted at the door, banging on it.
No answer.
Ichigo sighed heavily and continued pacing outside the bathroom. Everyone else had gone grocery shopping, even Nel, so at least there were no WITNESSES to his misery.
Then again, they could come back any second. That thought made him pound on the door some more. "C'mon, Peytoooon," He whined, banging his head against the wood miserably.
He was NEVER making fun of her bladder again. Ever. For now on, as soon as she said anything REMOTELY close to "I have to pee," he was clearing a path for her and letting her make a break for it.
...But at least that whipped cream tasted really good. Ichigo sighed for the millionth time and pounded so hard on the door that it almost flew open.
"DAMMIT, LITTLE KIDS IN AFRICA WOULD REEEALLY ENJOY ALL THAT WATER YOU'RE WASTING!"
After she didn't answer him, AGAIN, Ichigo decided it was time to break the lock. He ran into his room, grabbed one of Peyton's many bobby pins lying all in his bed from last night (he knew they were there because nearly every time he rolled over one was stabbing him in the back or some other impossible area he couldn't pluck them out of), and ran back to the door.
He crouched in front of it, and after about eight tries, he threw the bobby pin down with a grunt. "Bahhh, SCREW IT."
BANG.
BANG.
BANG.
BAN- "SUCCESS!" THUD.
Ichigo stared down at the fallen door, which he had his foot planted on triumphantly. "I can fix you later," He informed the object before stepping over it with authority.
He flipped up the seat of the toilet and sighed with relief as he...well, relieved himself. He had just finished washing his hands when he got a "brilliant" idea, a slow mischievous grin spreading onto his face.
He sidestepped Peyton's dress and whatnot and slid back the curtain before hopping in. "And here you thought letting me in would be a bad- ...WHAT THE FUCK?"
Ichigo fell out of the shower, mumbling incoherently, while the curtain was slid back again. "...Oh. Hey there, Kurosaki!" Shinji greeted cheerily while wrapping a towel around himself.
Ichigo sat there fuming, and Shinji just grinned even bigger. "If that was your way of trying to stop me from considering Peyton my beloved for the time being, you failed. Miserably."
"P...P...PEEYTOOOON, YOU BRAAAAT!" He bellowed.
DOWNSTAIRS...
Peyton grinned, bouncing excitedly as she made her way around the Kurosaki kitchen once she heard the THUD of a door falling to the floor.
That could only mean one thing: Her evil plan was WORKING! FOR ONCE! It's only a matter of time before he starts shouting, She thought happily.
Peyton brightened even further as her eyes landed on a box of Fruit Loops, and she gasped (a lot like Isshin, which made her laugh) as she grabbed it like a crazy person.
She Happy Danced her way over to where the bowls were located before shrugging and eating it out of the box. "Screw it, I'm not sick or anything."
She had barely eaten ANY of her handful when she heard Ichigo bellow her name, followed by "YOU BRAAAAT!".
Peyton jumped and took the cereal box with her as she bounded up the stairs, laughing maniacally until she was within his earshot.
She tried not to laugh at his expression. He was sprawled out on the floor of his bathroom, near the kicked-down door, his face paler than her obese Aunt Rosie's legs (which was REALLY saying something).
Shinji waved at her casually. "Hello, my love!" Ichigo's scowl deepened, and Peyton just smiled. "Hi, Shinji. I take it you were successful?"
"Indeed I was! The look on his face was PRICELESS, I wish I had a waterproof camera-..." He trailed off, a mockingly innocent expression on his face as he smiled sweetly at Ichigo.
"Oh WAIT. I do have a waterproof camera!" The Vizard tossed Peyton a camera, and she tucked it in her pocket.
She'd save THAT little pick-me-up for later. For now, she was worried Ichigo would strangle her. Or Shinji.
Probably both, one with each hand.
His head swiveled to look at her. "...How? How the HELL?" He asked in disbelief. Peyton made a clicking noise with her tongue. "Welll...You see, what HAD HAPPENED waaaas..."
FLASHBACK...
Peyton hummed some more, totally savoring the sweet sounds of Ichigo groaning, whining, and all-around bitching about his "poor bladder, IT'S STARTING TO GET DISTENDED, PEYTON!".
She had just finished shaving and was rinsing out her hair one more time when she got soap in her eye. "Ouch! DAAAAMMMIT," Peyton whined as she rinsed out her eye after hurriedly changing the water to cold.
It was around the time her eye started stinging in protest to the WATER that she realized she forgot to grab a towel.
"DOUBLE daaaammmit," She hissed, looking through one eye to stretch towards the closet (which, thankfully, was nearby).
Peyton had just grabbed one and exclaimed "Ah-HA!" when Shinji promptly fell inside the bathroom through the window.
She quickly wrapped herself up, practically diving out of the shower to keep the towel from getting all soggy and annoying. "What the HELL, man?" She hissed, wiping her eye with a random washrag.
Shinji brushed himself off before noticing her and turning just slightly red, but mostly grinning. "...Oh, why HELLO, Peyton! ...Sorry, I thought this was his room."
"Liar."
"Well, I thought it was A room, I heard him whining around this area, so I just kinda climbed through."
She sweatdropped. "...Naturally."
Ichigo banged on the door again. "PEYTON, DID YOU DROWN OR SOMETHING?" Shinji was about to shout some smart-ass comment back, and Peyton nearly threw herself at him.
She covered his mouth with her hand and shook her head quickly. "SHE'S GOTTA LOVE LIKE WOE! GIRL'S GOTTA LOVE LIKE WOE! BA-DA-DA! ...OB-LA-DI, OB-LA-DA, LIFE GOES ONNNN, LA! LALA HOW THE LIFE GO-ES ONNN!" She belted out, not knowing anything better to do. How The Ready Set reminded her of The Beatles was beyond even her comprehension.
Ichigo whined some more, and she sighed in relief before uncovering Shinji's mouth, grinning evilly at him. "I have an idea..." Peyton rifled through the cluttered closet shelves before finding what she wanted.
"AWESOMESAUCE! I knew he hadn't realized this was still in here!" She declared proudly as she handed him a waterproof camera.
Peyton looked at him, then the shower pointedly, and he grinned. "Ohhh, I think I get it. ABSOLUTELY."
END FLASHBACK...
"So you SEE, it was mere tomfoolery!" Peyton concluded brightly, smiling an innocent and dazzling smile.
Ichigo sweatdropped even more. "...Tomfoolery?"
Her temple throbbed. "AFTER THAT WHOLE EXPLANATION, THAT'S ALL YOU UNDERSTOOD?"
He rolled his eyes, then looked at Shinji, eyes narrowing. "You have exactly fifteen seconds to get out."
"Now THAT'S not kind hospitality!" Shinji protested.
"OUT, DUMBASS!"
"FINE, but ONLY because I FEEL like leaving," The Vizard muttered, moving to remove his towel.
Ichigo and Peyton both jumped back, throwing up their hands to cover their eyes spastically. "KEEP IT, KEEP IT, KEEP IT!"
Shinji smirked. "Fine! Damn, no need to shriek like little VIRGINS."
"...Oh HA HA HA!" They replied sarcastically as he went down the stairs, and he waved in acknowledgement before sliding down the banister. Ichigo and Peyton sweatdropped. "...I...am NEVER sliding down that again."
"Hell, I'm never TOUCHING that again!"