Me: BACK! Thanks for the comments on Adam, I know Erin (Ishihackaloogie) appreciates it. :)
Ichigo: (Sighs impatiently) Just get on with it, I DON'T WANNA BE DOING A STUPID AUTHOR'S NOTE WITH YA'LL ALL DAY!
Me and Rukia: (Big smirks) Ichigo Kurosaki, did you just say YA'LL?
Ichigo: (Pales) 0_0 No. NO. NAAAAO! THE SOUTHERNNESS IS SPREADING! GAAAAAHHH!
Me: (Eye-twitch) What's wrong with being from the South?
Ichigo: (Gulps) N-Nothing!
Me: Yeah, yeah, that's what i THOUGHT!
Carmen: (Filing nails in the corner) Can we PLEASE just keep going?
Me and Ichigo: (Temple throbs) Fine then. WHEEL IN THE CAKES!
Carmen: WHEEL 'EM IN!
Everyone: (Sweatdrop as we hear rather girly and studio-made vocalizing)
Ichigo: What...the HELL...kind of creature is that?
Rukia: (Points at person wheeling in cakes) The voice...of an ANGEL.
Me and Ichigo: (Sweatdrops of epic proportions) ...
Carmen and Rukia: (Squeals of fangasmic delight) GAH! JUSTIN BIEBER!
Me: (Sniffle) I officially miss Kon now. All hell has been released if the day has come where JB is in my story.
Ichigo: (Pats shoulder) Hell was realeased the instant you were born, Mandy, don't feel too bad.
Me: (Nods) True.
Justin: Ta-DAAA! (Cake Number One is from xXSweetestXAngelXNightmareXx. It's a nice big cake with a picture of a glittered-up Toshiro on it.
Justin: Hey, there's a note.
Me: (Sweatdrop) Well then read it. You can read, can't you?
Justin: (Glares) YES. (Reads note) It saaaaaays: "Take a picture for blackmail before you eat it. Peace, Love, Happiness, Z"
Ichigo and Me: (Clap mockingly) WHOOO, GO JUSTIN! WE'RE SO PROUD OF YOU, LITTLE BUDDY!
Justin: (Sighs patiently) I'll just go wheel in the next cake.
Carmen: (Stars in eyes) Don't take too long!
Rukia: Yeah...What she said (Practically drooling)
Ichigo and Me: (Epic sweatdrops)
Ichigo: DAMN, do i wish she was just drooling over the cake...
Justin: HERE YA GO! (Cake Number Two is from Mer and Homicide. It's not really a cake, it's 3 swords [for Ichigo, Rukia, and Master Mandy] made of fruit roll ups)
Me and Rukia: (Eye swords dreamily) Fruuuit roolllll upppps! I HAVEN'T HAD THOSE IN FOREVER!
Carmen: What're fruit roll ups?
Everyone: (Dramatic Isshin gasps) WHAAAT?
Justin: NEVER HAD A FRUIT ROLL UP? THE HECK'S WRONG WITH YOU, CARMEN!
Carmen: (Sobs) I dunno, Justin, I'M SO SO-O-O-RYYYY!
Everyone: (Sweatdrops)
Justin: (Sighs heavily) Yeah, I'm used to that. Anyway. CAKE NUMBER THREE!
Me: (Nudges Ichigo) The Canadian's catching on to our ways.
Ichigo: (Eye-roll)
Justin: (Wheels in Cake Number Three, from Squee. It's a 94-story Awesomesauce Cake covered in edible glitter)
Justin Again: (Waves me off) Pftt, I've only read your chapps about eighty times before I applied as Carmen SanDiego's Cake-Wheeling Servant!
Me: (Stars in eyes) REEEEALLY?
JB: Well, yeah. It's AWESOMESAUCE!
Me: Wow, he used my word!
JB: I subscribed. See? (Points to Subscriber list. Among the 125 faves and 82 alerts, "JB" is listed as a name on both)
Rukia: (Isshin Gasp) GAH! I MUST MAKE MYSELF PRESENTABLE FOR AUTHOR'S NOTES FROM NOW ON!
Ichigo: Could you start by shutting up more often?
Rukia: (Throws gauntlet) SHUT THE HELL UP!
Me: (Offended noise) Hey, that's MY JOB!
Justin Beiber: Well, ANYWAY...
Me: ENJOY! AND REVIEW! AND ENJOY SOME MORE!
Rukia: Hey, that's MY JOB!
Me: Now we're even.
Rukia: (Droops) I suppose you're right.
Me: Aren't I always? (Grins, then looks at everyone threateningly) DON'T answer that!
Everyone sweatdropped, and Ichigo crouched down to try and revive his girlfriend. "The hell gave you THAT idea, Rukia?"
Tatsuki folded her arms across her chest moodily. "Unfortunately, Ray of Sunshine's right." Rukia nodded happily. "Yeah! The administrators figured it'd be easier on the Sexual Education teachers if the students had a well-known character talking about it instead of some random teacher!"
"So they chose CHAPPY? What, are we in the 4th grade now?" Ichigo asked with another sweatdrop. Rukia rolled her eyes. "EVERYONE loves Chappy!"
"OBVIOUSLY," Ichigo replied, looking at Peyton pointedly. Speaking of which, she blinked and looked around groggily. "Huh? What happened?"
"You passed out."
Peyton looked up at him excitedly. "Really? I did? I've never done that before! Did my eyes roll back? Did they? HOW HARD DID I FALL?"
Everyone sweatdropped again, and Ichigo just sighed. "Yes to all of that, how about that?"
She sighed heavily. "Weeelll, I guessthat works...Wait...What happened to make me faint? DID SOMEONE DIEEEE?"
"Not yet they didn't, but we'll see. Chappy's gonna teach you about sex."
Everyone waited for her to react, and her lower lip trembled, but with a sniffle and deep breath, she nodded. "Alright. I can do this...I can do this..."
Tatsuki pointed at her casually. "Hey, Peyton, your-"
"I SAID I CAN DO THIS, TATSUKI, DON'T QUESTION IT!"
She sweatdropped. "Uhh...Actually, I was gonna say your shoe's untied." Peyton glanced down and tied her shoe with a nervous laugh. "Oh. My bad."
FIVE HOURS LATER...
Ichigo shook his head as Peyton continued to tremble; she was practically in his lap and had a death grip on his shoulder. "'I can do this' my ass."
She glared at him. "I CAN do this! I haven't fainted again yet, have I?" He was about to reply when the door slammed ominously, and in strode some teacher they'd never seen before.
She had wild, curly dark hair going everywhere, with dark eyes to match. She wasn't exactly the youngest teacher at Karakura, she looked to be in her late forties or early fifties.
She assessed the room with a glare, and Rukia nudged Ichigo from her seat behind him. "Hey, look! She has a permanent scowl, just like you!"
Peyton and Ichigo exchanged a look and shuddered at the thought of him being ANYTHING like that woman.
"I'm Ms. Zavaglia, and I'll be teaching you EVERYONE'S favorite lesson," She recited glumly, with slight anger behind her words.
Obviously the very sight of them pissed her off. Keigo raised his hand, and her temple throbbed. "...Yes?"
"Are you German?"
She sweatdropped. "Italian." He nodded. "Ahh, the language of love. It all makes sense now!" There were a few snickers, but Ichigo and Renji just shook their heads. Peyton was too busy looking at the window of the classroom door for any sign of Chappy to pay attention to Keigo's idiocy.
Zavaglia glanced at the door, then at Peyton. "...You need to be somewhere, kid?" After she didn't reply, Ichigo elbowed her, and she jumped. "OW! ...Huh? I'm sorry, ma'am, what'd ya say?"
Her eyebrows shot up at her usage of "ma'am". "You must not be from around here." "She's a Southerner," Everyone replied, a few "Yankee Kid"'s scattered about the room as well.
Peyton sweatdropped. "Uhh, yeah, what they said. But what did YOU say, ma'am?" Ms. Zavaglia didn't answer.
Peyton looked to Ichigo, who just shook his head, and she shrugged.
Of course, right at that moment Chappy burst through the door, scaring the crap out of not just Peyton but everybody.
"CHAPPY!" Everyone cheered, while Peyton hid most of her face on Ichigo's shoulder. BUT OF COURSE Chappy homed in on her, she and Ichigo being the only two who didn't seem to worship the ground he walked on.
Well, other than Renji and Toshiro. They had very limited ideas on who the hell Chappy was in the first place, so they didn't count.
He bounded over to Peyton. "Now what do we have here? Is someone shy?" "Someone's gonna give you an early and permanent retirement if you don't back up," Ichigo replied dangerously.
Chappy laughed nervously and did as Ichigo suggested. "Allllrighty, guess someone's just not in the Chappy Spirit today! MOVING ON!"
Ichigo sighed and shook his head, and Peyton muttered "Thanks" before kissing his shoulder and continuing to hide behind it.
This is gonna be a long-ass day...
Chappy stood at the front of the room, looking absolutely honored and downright giddy to be there. "Helloooo, ladies and gentleman! I'm here to talk to you about one of the most interesting and fascinating things you'll ever learn in this school: Sexual Education."
There were a few groans, but Rukia took care of that quickly enough. "SSHHHH! CHAPPY'S SPEAKING, NOT YOU GUYS, SHOW SOME RESPECT!" Rukia then switched off her demonic aura to beam innocently at Chappy.
Zavaglia was currently watching everyone closely for any signs of perverted stupidity longing to burst forth, and once she was satisfied, she plopped into her desk chair and crossed her arms.
Chappy cleared is throat. "Why, thank you little lady! Ahem. Usually, we break you into two different groups: boys and girls in separate rooms. But we figure that you're all young adults and can control yourselves."
"Mistake number one," Peyton and Ichigo muttered in unison, and she lifted her head up to grin at him. "SOOOO, LET'S BEGIN!" Chappy boomed, making her head duck right back down.
He pulled down a random chart of some unknown woman's body, like you usually see in textbooks. Chappy whipped out a pointer and rapped it against the poster, making everyone jump.
"Can any of you BOYS tell me what this is?"
"Holy crap, it's like fifth grade all over again," Peyton muttered. Keigo sweatdropped. "You learned all this in fifth grade?"
Peyton was about to answer him, but scratched her head thoughtfully instead. "Actually, I think I learned this in sixth grade. We had some kind of soap opera about periods in fifth grade..." She shuddered at the thought, and Ichigo just sweatdropped and shook his head, trying not to laugh.
"YOU, OVER THERE!" Chappy demanded, pointing enthusiastically to one of the upperclassmen that got held back last year and was forced to take their class.
"Ummm, isn't it called a coo-"
"FORMAL NAME!" Chappy and Zavaglia said almost immediately. Chappy laughed nervously while Ms. Zavaglia stood and started pacing the room to watch everyone more carefully.
"Oh. Isn't it the, uh...uhhhh...VIRGINIA! Yeah, that's it." Everyone sweatdropped massively. Minus Keigo, who was nodding.
The girls gaped at him, and Keigo shrugged. "What?" "That...is NOT what it's called." Ichigo snickered. "It is now!"
"If you even THINK of calling it that, you won't be visiting Virginia for at least a month, Ichigo Kurosaki!" He scoffed, smirking down at her. "Like YOU could even last that long, Peyton Alicia Cullen!"
Peyton opened her mouth to retaliate, closed it, opened it again, and finally huffed. "...I'll try my bestest, and in the meantime it'll be hell on earth. Like my period, only FIVE TIMES WORSE."
Ichigo shuddered at the thought and nodded quickly. "No 'Virginia' it is, absolutely not." She grinned triumphantly. "That's what I thought."
Zavaglia quirked an eyebrow at them, and they snapped their mouths shut comically. "Er, Chappy, I think THIS young man knows the answer!"
Peyton looked around cautiously, having forgotten Chappy the Stupid Effing Rabbit had been there, and screamed bloody murder when he suddenly shouted from right behind her, "GO RIGHT AHEAD, SONNY!".
"HOLY SHITTING CRAP!" She shrieked, flipping out of her chair, which she had scooted next to Ichigo's desk.
Everyone sweatdropped, and Ichigo moved to help her up when there was a loud CRRRACKcaused by Ms. Zavaglia's ruler whipping against his desk.
"Answer the question, Mr. Kurosaki, you're wasting time. Ms. Cullen, watch your language, it's very unladylike to cuss like that." Peyton stood and brushed herself off before slowly sitting her chair back upright and plopping into it.
As Ichigo tried to waste as much time as possible answering (turning about eighty shades of red all the while), Peyton tried to scoot her chair back up next to his as quietly as possible.
It didn't work out quite like she planned.
"W-Well, uhhh-" CRRK. CRRK. SQUEEEAAAK-CRRRRRRKK.
"Ahemuhwellit'scalledavaginaahemhumhum." CRRRRRRK, SQUEAKIE-SQUEAKIE!
Everyone sweatdropped again, and Chappy cupped a hand to his ear. "Don't be shy, Son!" Ichigo's temple throbbed. "I'm not your son, calling me that is just plain creepy ya damn pervert in a bulky suit from some low-budget costume store."
"Prick," Chappy muttered under his breath before beaming cheerfully. "Fine! Don't be shy, Boy I've Never Met! Would you like me to point it out for you on the diagram again?"
"No thanks, I've seen enough of it to know what it is," He replied calmly, making Peyton turn so red that her hair looked dark brown in comparison.
Renji and Toshiro were just about dying from nonstop laughter in the back row, and Zavaglia gave them a stern glare, making them shut up almost instantly.
"Well then, TELL US, Boy I've Never Met!"
"Hummahemumvaginaahemhum-"
"SPIT IT OUT, KUROSAKI!" Zavaglia demanded, rapping the ruler against his desk again and making Peyton jump so bad she nearly flipped out of her chair AGAIN.
"Dammit," She muttered under her breath, scooting her chair back up. Ichigo, wanting to just get it over with, ended up shouting as loud as possible to make sure they could hear them over Peyton's scooting.
"VAGINAAAA!"
...So of course she was done scooting a good three seconds before he shouted.
Ichigo looked at Peyton as everyone started laughing, and she just flashed the best innocently-apologetic smile she could muster while trying not to giggle herself.
That urge to giggle was gone once Chappy's rabbit hand clapped onto her shoulder. "And what about YOU? Do you know what that part's FOR?"
She turned deathly pale, and Ichigo pried Chappy's hand off her shoulder with a glare that could kill. "Get any closer to her than three feet ONE MORE TIME, and you'll be leaving this classroom in three Ziploc bags."
Chappy gulped and laughed nervously, hopping to the other side of the room. "U-Uhhh, why don't we just continue the lesson? I talk, you all listen."
Peyton grinned up at Ichigo once Chappy's back was turned. "You're so badass sometimes." Ichigo's eyebrows shot up. "SOMETIMES?"
She rolled her eyes. "Don't try your luck, Kurosaki." "Oh, I see how it is!" She giggled, catching Ms. Zavaglia's attention.
"Now, the whole point of this lesson is to not only...well, EDUCATE you, but to promote abstaining from sex until marriage," Chappy continued without missing a beat.
Zavaglia quirked a warning eyebrow at the two teens before nodding in agreement. "Yes. We like to promote the idea of being PURE for your husband or wife."
Shinji looked at Peyton and Ichigo, snickering. "Too late for some of us, ehhh?" "SHUT UP, SHINJI!" They hissed.
Ms. Zavaglia sighed impatiently and strode over to their desk. "Kurosaki, Cullen, will you PLEASE find SOME WAY to control yourselves?"
They pointed at Shinji. "He STARTED it!" They protested in slightly-whiny tones. She held up a hand. "All I heard were your voices, so I'm holding you two respo-..." She trailed off, eyeing something behind Ichigo before reaching over him.
"Kurosaki, what's this sticking out of your-"
"DON'T READ THAT!" He exclaimed, grabbing at the rolled-up posterboard she had grabbed. Peyton looked at him questioningly, until the teacher read the title out loud.
"...'The Bow-Chika-Wow-Wow Meter'?"
"DON'T READ THAT, MA'AAAAAAMMM!" Peyton wailed, looking at Ichigo for an explanation. He was turning redder and redder. "Karin and Yuzu tried to sneak it out for their project this morning...I didn't trust them enough to put it back in the house!" He hissed.
"Well, WAY TO GO! Now all OUR classmates get to know about its existence!" She hissed back. They both sank lower and lower into their chairs as the teacher's expressions changed from sappy, to appaled, to pissed.
"EXPLAIN YOURSELVES! IS ALL THIS TRUE?" She demanded, slapping the posterboard onto their shared desk.
Scared to look at what Isshin could have possibly been writing, Peyton and Ichigo looked up at her blankly.
Shinji leaned over curiously. "Huh...December 10th, so THAT'S when you guys started dating! ...Hmm...Ah, INTERESTING. Ichigo said the L-Word less than two months later, eh? Didn't waste any time there, didya? And, uhhhh-oh, WOW, Peyton! Look at this bar graph!"
Shinji held up the poster for them to see the various charts and list. There was one that listed, and we quote, "The Traits I Can Only Pray My Wonderful Daughter Passes On To My Grandchildren That Cancel Out Ichigo's Sucky Ones".
It was a moderately-lengthy list, too. There was also one that was EPICALLY perverted, and monitored how many times they were "heard" per day. It was organized like calendars, and almost every square on there was filled.
Minus a long number of days that had lines drawn through them, above which was either "Peyton Still Missing" or "Ichigo & Others Out Fetching Peyton".
Along with a tally of how many sounds were heard, a name of someone living in the Kurosaki household was put beside them in parentheses to show who heard which sounds however frequently.
Kon's name showed up a lot, which was quite disturbing.
Ms. Zavaglia was turning lots of exotic colors, and she pointed a shaky finger at them. "You two...Have already..."
"Shagged the hankypanky?" Shinji offered innocently, earning him two very threatening death glares.
She nodded angrily. "Let's go with that less-offending term. Chappy, THESE TWO HAVE ENGAGED IN ACTIVITIES THEY SHOULD HAVE SAVED FOR MARRIAGE!"
Chappy gasped dramatically, while everyone burst into laughter at how mortified the couple-in-question was. "Why, SHAME on you two! Goin' and doing something ridiculous like that! How irresponsible!"
"Did you not think of the consequences? What about SAVING IT FOR SOMEONE YOU'LL LOVE FOREVER, SOMEONE YOU'RE BOUND TO BY LAW AND THE SANCTITY OF MARRIAGE?" Ms. Zavaglia fumed.
At this point, Peyton just had her palm against her forehead and was shaking her head slowly in embarrassment/disbelief/tiredness.
Ichigo glared at the Italian woman. "Okay, FIRST OFF, you don't even KNOW us. We're not doing it because we're ridiculous, we're doing it 'cause we both want to and thought carefully about it, THANKS VERY MUCH. And I happen to be in love with this American right here, we've been through things you wouldn't even BELIEVE. As far as I'm concerned, I won't be marrying anyone else if it's not her. And FOR ANOTHER THING, do you mean to tell me YOU'RE a fifty-year-old virgin? Because you've obviously never been married."
Everyone fell silent after that, both in awe and with curiosity. Ms. Zavaglia hesitated. "...Uh...Well...DO AS I SAY, NOT AS I DO! IT WAS THE SIXTIES, IT WAS LIKE A REQUIREMENT TO SLEEP AROUND AND SMOKE UNTIL YOU COULDN'T PUFF NO MORE!" She wailed, starting to sob.
Peyton's head fell against the desk, numerous times, at how stupid this whole thing seemed. "Aww, young lady, no need to beat yourself up about this!" Chappy cooed from right behind her.
"GAAAHH!" WHOOOSH, THUD.
"Awww, not again, that's SO gonna bruise!"