Blaine,
I'm so confused right now. All I want to do is hold you tight, but then I keep thinking about you being 'with' someone else, and it takes all I have not to break down. In fact, sometimes that's not enough, and I do and it's the worst pain imaginable. It's like losing my mom all over again.
But one feeling I'm sure of is that I am such a coward for not sending the email I wrote last night. Well…this morning, actually. But that's not the point. I'm not sure I can even send this one to you, mainly because I'm scared of what you'll think of me. However, depending on how this turns out, I might sum up the courage to hit send this time. COURAGE. That's what you'd say to me right now. And if everything weren't so screwed up, you'd be telling me in person, not just the Blaine in my head. Oh yes, Kurt, that's right, just admit to your boyfriend – ex-boyfriend – that you have a version of him in your head. Oh Gaga, I'm turning into Bella Swan! To which you'd chuckle, say, "Silly Kurt," and kiss me quickly, and then, if we were alone, we'd kiss again, but not so quickly, and I'd just melt and feel all fizzy and fuzzy and perfect.
Damn. Now I'm crying again. I am definitely not sending this one either. But it's nice to pretend like I'm talking to you. I suppose I could treat this like a diary sort of thing, and tell you everything that's happening in my life, just like when you were at Dalton. Except there'd be no meeting up for coffee in the Lima Bean or standing up to bullies in the *ahem* charming hallways of McKinley. I'd do anything to go back to those days. Well, the days when I was at Dalton too, and I got to spend every moment with you. And the Warblers – I never thought I'd miss them so much! But there has to be something said for impromptu, emblazered performances. Is 'emblazered' even a word? I don't know, but if it was, its definition would be 'The Dalton Academy Warblers.' You'd laugh at that too, and start making a little dictionary of the words we make up or that have a special meaning to us and only us. Like 'layers', for example ;)
This is actually quite cathartic – even when you're not here, you're still incredible for me. Maybe this will be the way for me to sort myself out; writing down all the weird, complicated thoughts and feelings swirling through me helps me make a bit more sense of them. So I'll get there. Eventually. And it will be as if we never said goodbye, because, like I said, I'm never saying goodbye to you. Which I sort of did, but I didn't really mean it. Well, I did, but I was hurt and mad and confused – it wasn't that I ever stopped loving you. And I apologize for all the sappy quoting – does it not prove that each moment we spent together is deeply engraved in my memory? Or is it more that I overthink and obsess about us? But either way, I hope it proves that I care so, so much about you, Blaine.
And I think that will conclude my little rant for tonight. I need to mentally prepare myself to take Rachel shopping tomorrow – she might have had a long overdue makeover, but it doesn't mean it's easy to tear her away from those God-awful animal sweaters!
All my love,
Kurt xxx
Message deleted at 22:22 on 10/8/12