A/N: Well, after last chapter, hopefully things won't get any worse for Howard and Vince. I haven't planned out the next few chapters in any detail, so I don't know what will happen yet. But I know what's happening in this one, and that's what counts for now. Hope you like it :)

Disclaimer: ...What d'you think?

Vince's POV

Images formed and dissolved behind my eyelids. I couldn't understand them. I felt strange. It was all wrong. Water. There was water. I was swimming in it. But not swimming. Drowning. I was drowning. I panicked. I struggled. I fought. And it began to give way. I felt myself surfacing. Slowly. Fighting my way up. I could feel again. But it was all pain. I kept struggling though. Maybe this was the way to go. My eyes flickered. They opened. I didn't know where I was. Everything was white. The light burnt my eyes. It was sterile. Cold. I searched through my memories for something that fitted the image. It took a while, but eventually I realised. Hospital. I was in a hospital bed. I could hear a monitor bleeping, and I could hear two people talking; a man and a woman.

"Howard?" I said. Or tried to. It came out as a sort of croak. They heard me anyway. I heard them rush over, and one of them changed the position of my bed so I was propped up. They tested my vision and asked me questions, and then left the room. I wondered where they were going, but soon lost interest. I noticed there was a drip in my arm, and shuddered. They must have used a needle for that. I hated needles. They made me feel sick. There was a click, and I looked up as the door opened slowly. My eyes widened as Howard walked in. Suddenly, everything clicked into place as I remembered what I had done, and why. Howard came over and sat next to the bed.

"Howard?" I whispered.

"It's alright, Vince." he said. "I'm here."

"It didn't work then."

"It nearly did. You nearly killed yourself."

"I don't remember."

"No, I didn't think you would. The doctor told me there was a high level of drugs in your blood; what little of it was left."

"What do you mean?"

"You needed three blood transfusions."

"Oh. What did I do, exactly?"

"You cut your wrists."

"Oh."

"Vince, I need you to promise this is never going to happen again. You have a life to live. You're the happiest person in the world; you can't give that up."

"Howard, I'm not... I can't carry on how I have been. That's not a life. That's torture. Finley, and the drugs, and all the hurt. That's not worth living for. That's why I did it."

"There was something else, wasn't there?" I hesitated.

"Yeah."

"I was the trigger. I told you I didn't love you like that, and you felt even worse than you already did."

"Howard, no." I looked him right in the eyes. "Don't you ever blame yourself. I might have written that in a note, but you aren't to blame. You're... I wouldn't... Howard, just don't. Don't think about it. I don't want to think about it. And I'm sorry."

"So am I." He took my hand in his and squeezed it. "Don't ever do that to me again."

"No. I won't."

"We need to get out of the squat, don't we?"

"I think so."

"You said in your note that we should take Alena with us and report them to the police."

"I know. I've been thinking that for a very long time, I remember it. I think we should. There's a lot of cash left over from selling the paintings. I reckon we'd have enough to put in a deposit for a flat somewhere."

"Maybe. Getting out'll be best for both of us."

"And we still need to find Naboo. He can help, I hope."

"Yeah." He didn't look at me for a minute. Then he said: "Are you glad it didn't work?"

"What?"

"You tried to kill yourself, Vince, and you're sitting here acting like it never happened." I looked at him, a little scared of what I needed to say.

"I don't know. I'm glad you're still here. I'm glad I have someone to help me. I'm not glad I still have a hundred and one problems and no way to solve them. I thought I'd taken the easy way out."

"Vince, I'm always here. I told you that, and it's still true."

"I know. I forgot that. But I think I felt like, since you didn't love me, you didn't want anything to do with me."

"No, Vince, that's not true at all!"

"I know that now. I wasn't thinking right. I know it doesn't matter how either of us feel. You're always my best friend, right?"

"Always." He squeezed my hand again, and I squeezed it back. "I want to hug you but I don't dare. I might break something." he said.

"Wait till they let me out of the bed, yeah?" I replied.

"Yeah. They said they have to get someone else to check you over, but then we can go."

"And then we'll go and get our stuff and leave, right?"

"Yeah. If we're that pushed, we'll spend some time in the van. It'll be uncomfortable, but anything's better than the squat."

"It is."

"And we can go back to how we used to be."

"Mm. Howard?"

"Yeah?"

"I need you to know: I still love you. And I don't think I can change that."

"I know. And I love you. But differently, that's all."

"I know. It'll be alright now, though."

"We aren't out of the woods yet. But we'll find a way."

"Good."

Another doctor came to check me over after a while. He made Howard leave, then poked and prodded for all he was worth. He disconnected my drip carefully and put a plaster over the wound it left, frowning all the while. But he seemed to be satisfied, as in the end he smiled and said:

"Well, I think you're in good working order. I'm going to prescribe you anti-depressants and make you an appointment with a psychiatrist. Hopefully we can sort this mess out."

"Can you set the appointment back a bit?" I asked. "Only, me and Howard have got a lot to sort out before I can get anywhere."

"Of course. I'll give you a couple of weeks, how's that?"

"Great. Thank you."

"You're welcome. Now, your clothes are in the cupboard next to the bed. You can get dressed."

"Alright. Can you help me up?"

"Certainly." He took my arm gently and helped me haul myself out of the bed. "Will you be alright now?" he asked. "I can send in a nurse to help you?"

"No, I'm fine, thanks." He nodded and left the room. I got dressed slowly and carefully, trying not to touch my arms. I knew my body was full of painkillers at the moment, and that when they wore off, I would be in a bad way. I finally managed to slip my boots on and went out to where Howard was waiting. Neither of us said anything. He held out his arms and I hugged him as tightly as I could manage.

"It's alright, Vince." he whispered into my hair. "It's gonna be okay."

"Howard, if anyone can make it alright, it's you."

"We'll both make it alright." He let go of me and looked me in the eye. "You're alive, Vince. That's all that I care." I couldn't look back at him.

"Come on, we need to go to the nurse's desk. They've got some stuff for me." We made our way to the desk opposite the lift and waited. A couple of minutes later, a male nurse came through with a paper bag and a small card.

"Vince Noir?" He asked.

"Yeah."

"These are your painkillers, your anti-depressants, and this is your appointment card for the psychiatrist." He handed me the items and I took them reluctantly.

"Thanks. Bye."

"Bye." He waved us off as we headed for the lift. I tucked the card into my pocket and held the paper bag loosely in my hand. Howard held my other hand as we walked into the lift. We descended in silence, before walking out to where the van sat in the car park. Howard helped me in, then went round to the driver's side.

"They put you on anti-depressants?" He said.

"Yeah. They did."

"Do you think you really need them?"

"Yes. I think anything that helps me out of this is useful. I think I'll go to the psychiatrist as well. I think they might be able to bring me out of this a bit. But I need to get out of the squat first."

"We both do. We need to go there now, get our stuff, and go."

"We need to take Alena. She's a good person, Howard, like you. She was trying to help me, but she never managed."

"I know. I never really trusted her, but I should have done."

"It's alright. Come on, let's go. I don't ever want to see a hospital again."

"Me neither." He started the engine and reversed us out of the car park. As we got onto the road properly, I said:

"Howard?"

"What's up, little man?"

"I need to know this now. Before I get my hopes up. I said I loved you, and you didn't love me back, not like that. But will you, ever? One day?" He was silent for a while, staring at the road.

"One day." He said, so quietly I wasn't sure I'd heard him. "One day, maybe, everything'll line up. Give it time. It doesn't matter what we are, Vince, as long as I've got you and you've got me."

"Yeah, I know. I just wanted to know. Thank you." I yawned.

"Go to sleep, if you're tired. We've another half an hour or so until we're back." I was tired. So I nodded and closed my eyes, letting the purr of the engine put my weary mind to rest.

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Much love x