When everything is going wrong, and things are just a little strange

It's been so long now, you've forgotten how to smile

And overhead, the skies are blue, but it still seems to rain on you

And your only friends all have better things to do

"I'll be Okay"

-Mcfly

Chapter 5:

Let's get together and bitch about who has it worse

The next few days were a blur. I tried to avoid phasing as much as possible. Every time I did, I was just taken right back into Jacob's pain. A pain that I still knew, and was not very friendly with. A pain that, if it had an ass, I would totally kick it. My mom stared at Seth and I when we just lounged around the house.

"Don't you two have something better to do then watch TV all the time? I thought you normally ran perimeters and guarded our ignorant little town."

Seth just stuffed some chips in his mouth and shrugged. He said something that neither of us could understand because his mouth was full.

"It's been pretty quiet lately." It wasn't a lie. Ever since the wedding had been over, all the vampires had disappeared back to their own little coffins in Transylvania…or wherever the hell they were from.

"Charlie coming over tonight?" Seth questioned.

Since Bella had left, Charlie was getting lonely. So my mother had been inviting him over a lot lately. He seemed to enjoy her company as much as her cooking. They laughed and chatted about anything and everything. Seth thought their little crush was cute. I couldn't get past the fact that Charlie's eyebrows looked like two caterpillars spazzing out on his head when he moved them.

"He is. I invited Billy and Jacob, too. I figured they could use some good home cooking." That explained why there was fresh lasagna baking in the oven. "And I know Jacob could use the company. Billy says he's been acting more depressed than usual."

Seth and I shared a quick look that my mother didn't catch. Neither of us knew what to say to Jacob. He was still upset about Bella running off to have her not-so-happily ever after with her dead husband.

Jacob had not taken off again after the night of the wedding, which surprised me. Now that Bella was gone, he really didn't have any reason to stay in La Push. But he stuck around.

"What's bugging him, anyway?" My mom questioned.

"It's probably just because Paul imprinted on Rachel." Seth frowned. I had to admit, the kid thought well on his feet. I sure as hell wouldn't have come up with that.

"Yeah, Billy told me about that," she nodded "But I don't think that's it. He said Jacob hasn't been right since he got home from the wedding."

Seth and I both kept our mouths shut. Mom knew something had happened at the wedding, but she didn't know what it was. Much like Billy knew something had happened to Jacob, but Jacob refused to talk to him about it.

It would be weird to talk to our parents about the situation at hand. Not that they weren't used to the unordinary. They had been around the paranormal long enough now that they were used to it.

But none of us wanted to explain to our parents that Bella, Charlie Swan's only daughter, was going to become a vampire…if she lived through her honeymoon, that is. I'd already lost one parent to a heart attack. I wasn't about to give my mother one too.

I paused to count the days in my head. How long had it been since that Godawful wedding? Six? I tried to figure out how long a honeymoon usually lasted. Ten days? Maybe two weeks? That sounded about right. If we hadn't heard anything after two weeks, chances would be that Bella was still alive.

My mother stared at us out of the corner of her eyes as we sat in silence, watching some rigged game show on TV.

I was too busy thinking about everything that was going on to hear what the question was. I do know that the smug, greasy guy didn't answer correctly. I laughed. The know-it-all bastard got it wrong!

It amazed me how many people in this world were so overly-confident and thought they knew everything. Bella struck me as that kind of person. How on Earth did she think that a vampire was going to be able to make love to her and not kill her? He'd have to wear like a hundred and fifty condoms so his venom didn't boil her from the inside out. And even then, they'd probably just melt away.

If a vampire bite filled with venom can kill someone, how on earth can their juices not? Who came up with that logic? She was probably telling herself that her precious vampire would never hurt her. That he would find some way to give her what she wanted without killing her. If she croaked mid-orgasm, I wouldn't be able to contain my laughter at her funeral.

My mom saw me chuckling to myself.

"What's so funny?"

"Oh, just…the last answer that guy gave." I tried to think on the spot like Seth.

"The holocaust is funny?"

Crap, that was just my luck. I shook my head and scolded myself in thought. Good job, Leah; you've officially made a jackass of yourself.

"I meant the one before that." I tried to recover.

"I don't find assassination very humorous either," Seth said.

Note to self: Kill Seth later. He saw me glaring at him and quickly realized he had done something wrong. He mouthed "I'm sorry" before shrugging and turning his eyes back to the TV.

Even when she wasn't here, Bella was pissing me off. Maybe she would never come back. And though that would be painful for Jacob, I really hoped that was how it played out.

Charlie didn't seem panicked about anything, so I'm sure that nothing had happened yet. I thought of Charlie and what Bella was going to put him through, and I started to get angry. I bit down on my tongue to try and suppress the rage. I couldn't afford any more holes in my wall. I was running out of things to plaster over them with.

Apparently my teeth cut through, because I tasted the blood in my mouth. Disgusting. How could vampires eat this crap on a daily basis?

I glued myself to the television again before I realized how boring this show actually was. I gladly welcomed the interruption when a knock came from the front door.

"Come on in!" my mother exclaimed.

The front door opened and Billy wheeled himself in, followed by Charlie, and then Jacob. He looked horrible. His eyes were red, and I could tell he hadn't slept. I suddenly felt overly protective and motherly towards him. Ugh, what the hell was the matter with me? I just couldn't seem to keep my emotions in check lately.

I hoped for his sake that the vampire whore didn't return. I couldn't stand to see him go through this again. I knew how hard it was to lose someone you loved on a daily basis. Some days I wished that Sam would just disappear. At least then the giant hole in my heart wouldn't be reopened so frequently. If Bella didn't come back, then Jacob might be able to move on with his life. If she stayed gone, he would be very fortunate that he only lost her this once.

Charlie smiled warmly at my mother and raised his brows. And there were the fuzzy caterpillars. I shivered. Watching old people flirt was so gross.

"Hey Jake," Seth smiled.

Jacob barely looked up as he responded, "S'up?"

Seth looked at me, concerned. I could tell he was worried about his friend. He didn't like to see Jacob so depressed. He wanted to make him feel better, but we all knew that there was no way to do that.

"So Sue, I hear you're making us quite the meal tonight," Charlie beamed.

"Lasagna," she nodded.

"Oh, Shake and Bake is making Lasagna now?" Billy teased my mom.

"I hope you boys brought your appetites." Mom wandered into the kitchen to check on dinner.

The truth was, ever since my dad had died, she hadn't really used the kitchen all that often. Seth and I made our own food half the time. But I think she enjoyed making meals for someone again.

She came back into the living room just in time to see Charlie patting his grumbling stomach. Billy did the same. Jacob didn't really respond. His eyes were fixated on the floor.

My mother noticed his inattention. "How about you Jacob? You like lasagna?"

His sad gaze slowly drifted upward until he met my mother's eyes, "I'm actually not very hungry," he admitted. "If it's all the same, I think I'm just going to take a walk."

My mom nodded understandingly. If she knew what Jacob was going through, she would probably start baking him cookies or something. She had that natural instinct to try and make others feel better. Trouble was, she didn't always know how to comfort people, so she would just nervously bake things.

Jacob shuffled towards the door. Everyone in the room watched him.

"I'm sure Jake could use some company," Billy smiled at Seth and I. The invitation was probably more for Seth than it was for me. Jacob hated me. Hell, I hated me.

"Sure, sure," Jacob smiled weakly at his dad, "Come on, Seth. Leah."

Wait, what? I was shocked. Had he really actually just invited me to go with him somewhere? Wow, he must really feel like crap to want to endure my company.

Seth quickly bounded after Jacob. I swear that kid would follow him anywhere. I glanced at the TV, considering my options.

"Hey Sue, did Charlie tell you about the fish he caught the other day?" Billy questioned.

"No."

"It was huge!" Billy grinned at Charlie. It looked like they were using some secret guy code.

"It really wasn't that big." Charlie shrugged sheepishly.

"Oh, it was something alright." Billy continued babbling. "I'm telling you, you could have eaten for like a month off of this monster."

Charlie smiled at my mom, "It's in my freezer. I figured you might like it for dinner one night."

Hmmm…hang out with Jacob and Seth, or watch Charlie try and seduce my mother?

"Hey guys, wait up!" I jogged after Seth and Jacob.

They hadn't gotten very far. We reached the edge of the woods surrounding my house.

"So, I'm gonna run a little. Who's with me?" Jacob questioned.

"Awesome," Seth smiled. Seth enjoyed anything and everything. He was just a happy guy. That's why he annoyed me so much. Unhappy people being around happy people gets very irritating very fast.

"Why not?" I kicked my shoes off. It was still better than enduring Charlie and my mom acting like two clueless high school teenagers in love.

When we phased, I realized that it was just the three of us. Of course Quil, Paul, Jared, and Sam were with Claire, Rachel, Kim, and Emily. I couldn't begin to guess where everyone else was. They were probably all doing the same thing Seth and I had been trying to do: avoiding Jacob's pain. That's a lot easier to do when you're not a wolf.

As we ran, Jacob's mind seemed oddly at ease. I didn't feel an excruciating amount of pain from him. It was actually kind of peaceful. As we ran circles around my house, I started to feel better about life in general.

An hour passed, but I hardly realized what time it was. Seth was quick to point out that we had been at it for a while. His stomach started rumbling.

I'm starving. I think I'm going to head back. Seth sniffed the air.

Tell my dad I won't be too much longer. Jacob obviously was not sharing the hunger pains.

Kay, Seth nodded. Are you coming, Leah?

Just keep a plate in the microwave for me, I shrugged. I wasn't hungry now, but I knew after running around on all fours, I would be starving by the time I got home.

He raced home. A few minutes later, I felt him phase. It was just Jacob and I now. I sat in silence. I figured he probably didn't feel like talking much.

That's nice of you. Jacob noticed that I was trying to stay quiet. He paused. Why can't you be like that all of the time?

It's just not in my blood. I think it might kill me. I thought about how true that statement was. The only thing that kindness had brought me in my life so far was heartache. Any time I opened my heart to someone, I would usually get it back mangled and broken. So I decided that it was easier to put a wall around my heart, close off my feelings, and stop trusting people altogether.

It made me come off as callous, hateful, and cold. But it was better than the alternative. I had been burned too many times in my life.

I had become so immersed in my own little world that I didn't realize how quiet it had gotten between Jacob and I.

I tried to pick the conversation up again. Well, it totally blows that you're sad. I didn't know what else to say.

Jacob let out a caustic laugh, I'm not sad, Leah. He paused. I'm pissed beyond belief.

This surprised me. He hadn't been acting very hostile. Certainly nowhere near as bad as me. From observing his behavior, I would have guessed depressed, not angry.

Then why are you being so mopey?

Because my anger is the thing that drove Bella away from me.

So he was back to blaming himself again.

He tried to explain, Sam's right. I wear my emotions too close to my sleeve.

We all do that. It's a wolf thing. I didn't see what the big deal was. The other day, my mom bought me the wrong brand of apples, and I almost had a meltdown. I broke the kitchen table in half.

That's exactly what I'm trying to avoid. I lost my temper the other night, and I screwed things up pretty badly with Bella, and I almost killed her…husband. I could see it pained him a little to call Edward that. It was pretty stupid of me, he admitted.

No it wasn't. He's a vampire. And he's going to murder your best friend.

You don't understand. There's more to it than that. It was wrong of me to react the way I did. I hurt Bella. I could have killed the leech. It would have really messed up the treaty.

If you phased and it had turned into something, I would have fought with you, Jacob.

Leah, stop it…

I don't get it. All she does is cause you heartache.

It's hard to explain. She's just, she's always so happy to see me. She gets all glowy and…warm. And it makes me feel warm, too.

You're a glutton for punishment, Jake.

I guess, he nodded. She does things to me. Makes me feel things that I wish I didn't.

I could completely understand and relate to that. I don't know how many countless times I had wished that I didn't still love Sam.

If I could go back to a week ago at the wedding, I… he thought. Ah, who the hell am I kidding? I probably wouldn't change a thing. He barked a laugh. You know, if Bella hadn't been there, I would have ripped that moron limb from limb. I saw him sigh. But it would have hurt her. I may not show it as much as the leech, but I don't want to see her hurting either.

Great. It wasn't enough that Bella had an overprotective dick for a husband. Now she had Jacob defending her honor like she was the god damn pope. Why was I listening to this crap?

Jacob noticed my increasing hostility. You didn't have to come, you know.

You invited me. I pointed out.

I was just being polite.

See what being nice gets you? I asked sarcastically.

It fell silent between us again. He let out a huff of air and softened his voice. Well, whatever your reason is for not treating me like crap like you normally do, thank you, he said sincerely.

Consider it your free pass. I was reminded that Embry had done the same thing for me a few days ago at the wedding.

He shook his head. God Leah, you're so confusing. You and Paul really run a tight race. I tilted my head curiously. He saw my perplexed look and laughed as he explained, I can't figure out who annoys me more. Usually, you come out ahead. But lately, Paul has really been getting on my nerves. Your spontaneous kindness tonight has really put him on the front for an ass kicking.

Apparently I was Jacob's therapist for the night. Why he was sharing this with me, I had no idea. But it's not like I had anything better to do. I may not have had any advice for him regarding Bella, but I certainly had an idea for what he should do about Paul.

You have no problems telling me how you feel about me. Maybe you should just tell Paul he's annoying you.

Jacob considered this for a moment and then shook his head. I think I'll just hit him.

Good. Break his nose, I suggested.

Jacob laughed. I knew this truce between us wouldn't last long. It never did. There had been times before where we were able to tolerate each other, but those moments were short lived. We were just too alike, so we usually ended up butting heads.

But, for the moment, it was nice to have someone to empathize with. Both of us understood what it meant to have a broken heart. That night, my sad heart didn't hurt so badly. The pain went away for a few minutes. And I liked to think that it was the same for Jacob.