Don't cry child, you've got so much more to live for

Don't cry child, you've got something I would die for

And if it comes to the rain, just be glad you'll smile again

Cause so many don't, and so many go unnamed

"Failure"

-Laura Marling

Chapter 17:

I'm completely and utterly insane

Seth woke me again at midnight to trade off. I couldn't feel Jacob when I awoke, so I figured he was probably with Bella. I felt a sneer forming on my face. Jacob was being a whole lot nicer in this situation than he had to be. That poor fool would do anything for Bella. I know the vampires knew that.

Of course, I did have a reason to be thankful to the leeches. Because of them, Jacob had a reason to break away from the pack. And that gave me a reason to leave, too. In a way, I was kind of grateful to them.

I finished a few laps before I wandered back to the house. Of course I had to be nosy and see what Jake was up to. I stuck my nose up to the window. Jacob was on the couch, cradling Bella. I thought I'd heard Seth say something earlier about her running a fever again. No wonder she was freezing. Her vampire husband was sitting at her feet. I noticed how he was taking careful measures not to touch her directly. I did hate the vampire, but I felt kind of sorry for him. It must suck to not be able to touch the person you love.

I saw Alice flitter around the living room. She suggested that Rosalie make something to eat for Jacob. Ha! Now they were waiting on werewolves. That must be making Rosalie see red.

Alice smirked as her sister disappeared into the kitchen. I had to admit, the little gal had some spunk. She was entertaining. I bet before she had been turned into a vampire, she was a riot to hang out with. She reminded me of a tiny woman who had a larger than life attitude. I bet before she was turned, she was one of those bar-hopping badasses who could drink a 300 lb man under the table.

Rosalie banged around some dishes in the kitchen. She had looked pissed when she ran off. Nothing new there. A few minutes later she came back in carrying something that looked like she had crafted into a dog bowl. She practically threw the dish at Jake. He looked amused.

"Thanks, Blondie." He ate a giant chunk out of the steak. "Hey, what do they call a blonde with a brain?"

Oh, come on, Jacob, you can do better than that. That's grade school material. I shook my head.

"A Golden Retriever." Jacob beamed, proud of himself.

Even though I had heard the joke a million times before, the look on Rosalie's face had me rolling on the ground in laughter. I watched Jacob inhale the food. I would be concerned with Rosalie trying to poison me if she were my cook. Jake didn't seem to have that worry.

I did see his mood shift when they started talking about the little monster again. I could see the pain shoot across his face when she talked so lovingly about it. I could see how badly he wanted to pull away, but he couldn't. I knew that feeling. It really blows. I watched him flinch when Bella ran her fingers across his arm. How could he do this to himself? It was like torture.

"You're not happy here." Well duh. At least she hadn't gotten any dumber. "But you came anyway."

"You wanted me here," Jacob shrugged. I realized at that moment how selfless that Jacob had become. Why else would he be putting himself through such misery?

Bella explained to Jacob how much he meant to her. How complete she felt when he was around. The invisible knife in Jacob's gut was being wrenched in every which way possible now.

Jacob finally lost his temper with her. "At least be honest with me. "Jacob, I get a kick out of your pain" is exactly what you're probably thinking."

"You…like that better?"

At least it was the truth. I shrugged. I knew that Jacob just wanted an explanation. And that did seem like the most logical one to me.

Bella started babbling incoherently. Bitch did that a lot. She finally drifted off to sleep. Edward and Jacob started a conversation of their own. Charlie was the main topic of concern. Apparently Bella had told him she was better. Better! Yeah, because people who are better drink blood, bruise from the inside out, and struggle to breathe. I could hear the quiet rage in Jacob's voice as he told the leech what a bad idea it was to lead Charlie on. Losing Bella was going to be hard enough for him. Anytime a parent loses a child, it's devastating. And for Bella to make Charlie think that there was a glimmer of hope was one of the most…no…the most selfish thing I had ever witnessed anyone do.

I drifted off into my angered thoughts as Edward and Jacob discussed some creatures in South America. Rosalie piped in with some kind of story about demons giving birth or something. It was all about kids with that crazy psycho. If she needed a hobby, maybe she should just adopt a puppy. I quickly changed my mind when I realized that Seth, Jake, and I were just inches away from being the vampire's pets.

My attention averted back to Jacob. He had a mysterious look in his eyes as he and Edward both shared a glare of hatred at Rosalie. Jake picked up his dog dish and threw it into the back of the blonde's head.

My jaw dropped and laughter started seething out. I couldn't believe he had stood up to the blonde vampire without being torn to shreds.

"Dumb blonde," Jake muttered.

Rosalie was livid. "You. Got. Food. In. My. Hair."

I lost it to my laughter at the same time Jacob and Edward did. It was too funny not to howl at. Jacob added fuel to the fire when he snapped a few more blonde jokes at Rosalie. But I noticed that things got serious again quickly. The thing probably broke another one of Bella's ribs.

I didn't feel like standing around and watching everyone doting over the moron who was choosing to put herself in harm's way. I'd been here goofing off long enough. I needed to get back to patrolling. It was hard for me to leave Jacob in the company of so many vampires. But, if he wasn't worried, then I guess I didn't have any reason to be concerned either.

Seth joined me again after his quick powernap and we ran together until half past sunrise. That's when Jacob rejoined our ranks.

Alright, everyone be on high alert. The Cullens need to hunt, so we're making sure their trail is clear.

Oh goody, more errands for the vampires. I huffed out a laugh.

Ah, good. You're up. How long has Seth been out? Jacob questioned.

I knew that Seth had to be exhausted. He really hadn't been getting as much sleep as he should. He had taken a few naps here and there, but he had yet to really get any solid rest.

Seth was lagging. I'm not out just yet. There was still a perkiness to his tired voice. Need something?

Think you have an hour left in you?

Seth shook himself awake and was quick to say that he was up for it. He launched into the trees.

We need to make sure this run is deep, Jacob explained. He told Seth to take the perimeter.

I really had a problem with helping vampires feed.

They need to eat too, Leah, Jacob scolded me. Do you have a problem with this?

Yes. A million times yes. It was a stupid errand. Fortunately I was able to suppress those thoughts. Not at all. I just love to coddle the leeches.

Jacob made it a challenge for me when he mentioned something about seeing how fast we could run. He could definitely get me riled up. I had to admit, the mutt knew me. I stayed close to Jacob for a majority of the run, and almost passed him a few times. He was too close to losing, so he said something about me not being thorough enough.

That was sissy talk. I could do reconnaissance and break a new speed record doing it and I would still be faster than him. He didn't argue with me.

As we ran through the mountains and circled back to the Cullen's place, I heard Jacob wondering to himself about what Sam was up to now. I wanted to know that myself. More then likely, Sam would kill any vampire they came across, whether it was on their land or not.

I stayed with Jacob at his slower speed as we tracked the old scents through the forests and mountains. I couldn't help but notice how far we were running. Jacob explained why we were getting this far out.

We need to be extra cautious. If Sam is hunting for strays, we would have crossed his scent by now. I just want to make sure there's no one in hiding.

I didn't think any of the wolves would be out here. If anything, Sam was running them hard in La Push. That would be his number one priority. As much as he wanted to attack the vampires, the town's protection would always come first. Jacob agreed with me. I still didn't like protecting the parasites.

I get it. You love the vampires now. Wouldn't want anything to happen to your stupid leeches. Heaven forbid our precious parasites take any unnecessary chances, I said with an attitude. Jacob ignored me. Look who's getting all mature on me. You have changed so much, Jacob. Talk about one-eighties.

Like you're the same Leah I've always known and loooved? He added emphasis to that last part to let me know exactly how much he didn't love me.

But I'm still less annoying than Paul?

Yes.

Yes, sweet success. Now if I could just somehow manage to keep Paul at number one on Jacob's hate-list.

As we continued the run in silence, I thought about how nice it would be to have just a pack with me and Jacob. Both of us were pretty independent. Once all this mess was over, Seth would have to go back to La Push. To school. And mom. He had a lot of obligations back in town. I didn't have anything. I had no life.

I followed Jacob as we circled back. He mentioned something about hunting.

Oh, joy. Uncooked meat crawling with parasites. Can't wait, I muttered sarcastically.

Jacob then went on this whole spiel about how it was natural and the way that wolves lived. I had heard it all before. Still didn't make it suck any less.

Forget the pep talk. I'll hunt. I don't have to like it. I really hated to hunt. It was so…undomesticated.

He shut up, which kind of surprised me. If I had still been in La Push under Sam's command, I'm sure I wouldn't have gotten my way. Sam would have probably tried to tell me that my way of thinking was wrong. Negative. Hell, it's who I was. I tried changing once. It was a bad experience. I hated being someone else. I was just me. It was the only thing I knew how to be good at. I gave Jacob an appreciative look.

Thank you.

For what?

For letting me be me. For not trying to change who I am to better suit who you are. And for letting me stay here with you. I know you hate me. And you've been so much more tolerant, and a lot nicer than I had any right to expect.

No problem. Eh, you're not so bad. I actually kind of like having you around. You've been far less of a nuisance than I expected.

Thanks for the glowing commendation. No wonder you didn't do well on your term papers in English. I paused. Seriously though, thanks.

Yeah, yeah. Don't let your ego take over. Keep it from getting to your head.

I struggled with what I was about to say next. I didn't usually dole out compliments. This was one difficult for me because it was an odd situation.

I think you're a good Alpha. Completely different from Sam. Which was a good thing. You're worth following, Jacob.

I could hear the confusion in his thoughts. He was overwhelmed and shocked at the same time. It took him a moment to recover.

Thanks. Where exactly did that come from?

Here was the tricky part. My thoughts drifted to my future, which was pretty empty at the moment. But I didn't want it to be that way. I wanted to change. But the only way to do that was to be able to stay away from Sam, to stay part of Jake's pack after all of this nonsense had resolved. I didn't say anything. I just let Jacob read my thoughts.

Finally, I admitted aloud, I want to stay with you.

He screeched to a halt. How would he react? This was definitely a pretty big bombshell. I skidded past him and then backed up to where he was standing, frozen in place.

You…wanna say that one more time? I think maybe I heard you wrong? he questioned.

I shook my head. He was probably worried that I would drive him insane. But that's not what this was about. I just couldn't go back to Sam. I stuttered over my words as I tried to map a plan out for him.

You can go where you want and I'll go where I want. I'll just stay connected with you for my mind's sake, I suggested. He didn't say anything. I was starting to get nervous. I dug my claws into the ground and started to swish my tail back and forth in anticipation. You won't have to put up with me for much longer. I'm thinking about giving it all up pretty soon. I'm happier now than I ever have been.

I could see Jacob's thoughts flickering. Interesting.

Seth piped in, I wanna stay, too! He was having a very hard time staying awake. We all really liked this pack, but Jacob stayed adamant about it not being a pack. He pretty much ordered Seth to go home when everything was over. But he didn't say anything to me. I could tell that he was mulling it over.

But I don't want to go home, Seth pouted.

Jacob is right. Mom needs you.

Jacob was stunned that I had agreed with him on something. He glanced at me in silence.

What? I didn't understand what he was glaring at.

I'm just trying to figure out what parallel universe I've been dropped into.

It's not so crazy, is it? I was technically on my way out of La Push anyway. I thought maybe I could go back to college, take a few classes. Maybe even get a job like a regular person.

Make sure it has nothing to do with customer service, Jacob recommended. I could see you ripping some crazed Christmas shopper in half for trying to steal some ungodly blue sweater. He shook his head. I could tell his thoughts were overwhelmed.

I quickly backed off to let him think. He appreciated it.

Just give me some time to think it over. It's a bit much to deal with at the moment.

No problem. I told him to take his time. I wanted to do everything in my power to prove to him that I could be connected with him and not be a pain in the ass. I managed to stay quiet as we ran into a herd of deer. I grumbled to myself as I took down the biggest one that I could find. Seth and Jacob both bagged a deer of their own.

I hated this. It was so gross. And I actually kind of felt bad taking the life of such a helpless creature. I laughed quietly to myself. I had no trouble killing vampires, but I couldn't stand to take the life of an overpopulated species of deer? Sometimes I didn't even make sense to me.

As I stood over my dead deer, I saw the eyes of what was probably his family staring at me from behind some shrubs. It made me feel awful. I felt like I had slayed Bambi's dad or something. I wondered how Jacob could do this without feeling all this disgust. I attuned myself to his thoughts. He had let the wolf within take over. I watched from his perspective as he was able to eat…for survival. That's what this was for. It's not like I was out here torturing animals for fun. I had to do this to live.

It made it easier for me to tear into my kill. I did my best to not think about what I was doing. I was just acting, the way nature had intended it to be. Predators did not hunt just for the hell of it. They had to do it if they wanted to survive. As I did my best to keep my brain completely quiet, I was able to fill my stomach full of nutrients. Even this is something I could get used to. Which, if Jacob would have me, might be something that my future held.