There's nothing we can say or do

The damage is in front of you

I'm sorry, but sometimes things fall apart

Take some to understand

The situation's out of hand

But you didn't see it from the start

"Freeze and Explode"

-Cassettes Won't Listen

Chapter 18:

Hmm, how can I screw this up?

I finished at around the same time as Jacob had. I trotted over to a patch of tall wet grass that was being moistened by the soft rain and used the water to clean myself. I had to kill to eat, but I didn't have to walk around covered in blood like I was an animal.

Thanks. I was grateful that Jacob had let me share his thoughts. It made eating a hell of a lot easier. And it really wasn't so terrible thinking from his perspective. It actually made a lot of sense.

I felt Seth quickly fade into unconsciousness. Good thing, too. He needed some rest. I glanced to where my brother had collapsed and fallen asleep. Jacob looked over at him as well.

He's a pretty good kid. Jacob nodded. I nodded in agreement. He really loves the Cullens, you know. Of course, I knew that. Why else would he have broken away from Sam? Seth just couldn't stand to see anyone hurt. That included our enemies. Jacob started to walk away. I knew he was headed back to the Cullen's. To Bella. I knew how difficult it was for him to be there. And at the same time, it was nearly impossible for him to stay away. It was like Bella owned a piece of his heart. I could relate all too well.

I know how it feels, Jake, I sighed.

He just nodded sadly and changed the topic.

You know, Leah, you might want to think this through. My head isn't the most pleasant place to be right now.

Right, because I'm such a joy to be around, I scoffed.

You'll feel my pain, too. You'll share EVERYTHING. He warned.

I shrugged. Misery loves company. Of course I knew that he would be hurting. He was already hurting. But at least I could deal with his pain. It was easier than having to face mine. Wow, that sounds really terrible. I realized how awful it must appear to him that I would rather deal with his heartache than mine.

Fair enough. He seemed to understand. He let out another sigh. Does this get any easier?

It was weird that he was asking me for advice. Ever since he'd saved me from those stupid newborn leeches last year, he'd been so sure of himself. I wasn't going to lie to him. I owed him that much.

It's going to be really bad, Jacob. It hurts like…I don't even have the words to describe it. But time makes things easier. You can get used to about anything. I saw an image of Bella appear in his head. I tried my best not to growl. I'm sorry, I'm trying to be better about that. I can't help it that I don't like her. But I know how much you love her. I get it. She's everything that Sam was to me. Everything you want, but can't have.

I couldn't help but compare the similarities in our love lives. He knew what it meant to love someone and lose them. But I think he probably had it worse than I did. Because Bella was in pain, and that killed him to see. As much as I hated Sam for breaking my heart in half, at least he was happy. Emily made him happy. I thought back to the conversation that I'd had with my mother about how love and happiness tied together. God, that seemed like it was an eternity ago. I felt like a completely different person now.

I could feel the pain rising in Jacob's chest. He was starting to resent my honesty. I sighed. I only wanted to help him.

I don't think I want to talk about this anymore. Did you have to be so blunt? he whimpered.

Yes, I did. Because lying to him would only make things worse. Because when the shit really hit the fan, it was going to be a lot harder to deal with things if he didn't know what to expect.

I'm not saying all this to be mean. I wasn't always a hateful bitch. I used to be kinda nice before I turned into this compassion-less shrew.

He scoffed, I'm having trouble recalling that.

We were silent for a few minutes as we separated in our run. I took the images in his head and started to analyze them. Maybe if I really read into them, I would be able to see why he cared so much for such a moron. If I saw things from his prospective, I could better understand why he was now protecting vampires.

I tried to see Bella the way he saw her. Still looked like an idiot to me. I watched the adoration that Edward had for her. And the agonizing pain he was in as he watched her suffer. I had never doubted that the vampire cared about her. But now I could see just how deep that ran. It was hard for me to feel compassion for the leeches. But with Jacob's softening relationship with them, I really had no choice but to feel that way.

I picked apart the memories in his brain. Alice had apparently become attached to him. How weird. I would have thought she'd find it incredibly annoying to not be able to see his future.

Flashes of Esme and Carlisle. They seemed like any other husband and wife. And they loved their little vampire children. Even the bitchy blonde one. I couldn't understand why she was so hateful. All the others seemed to adore Bella, but Rosalie didn't feel the same way. Alice already considered Bella a sister. The other two boys in the family were ready and willing to accept her as well. Carlisle and Esme cared about her too. But not Rosalie.

I thought about how Rosalie fit into the family. And what made her so unwilling to accept Bella when the others had already accepted her as a part of the family. Then, it was like a light bulb went off in my head. The baby. By the way that she lingered around Bella waiting for her to pop, I could tell that Rosalie wanted a kid of her own. That was obvious. But she'd had that opportunity taken away from her when her life was stolen away. And she felt cheated. Scorned. She never had the choice. Bella did.

And suddenly, I got the relationship between Bella and Rosalie. Rosalie wasn't helping Bella to die just so she could steal the baby. Not that she didn't want to. But that wasn't her first priority. Her first priority was helping Bella to live the life she wanted to live. She was keeping Bella from having her free-will taken away. I knew how badly it hurt to have your free-will taken away. Damn it, if I was going to relate to any of the leeches, why did it have to be her? I hated seeing both Rosalie's and Bella's point of view. I still didn't like either one of them, but now I could sympathize with them.

I tried to change my focus and lighten my mood by thinking about Jacob's antagonistic relationship with Rosalie.

You've gotta work on your blonde jokes by the way.

Got any suggestions?

Why is it impossible for blondes to kill themselves with a gun?

Got me.

Because they have no brains to blow out.

Nice, what else have you got?

How do you confuse a blonde? He waited for my response. Give her a bag of M&M's and tell her to separate the "M's" and "W's."

Any more?

How do blonde's brain cells die? I paused. Alone.

That's it! That's the one! He knew that one would irk Rosalie the most.

I thought about the blonde ripping Jacob to shreds after he poked her with one too many childish jokes. I grumbled. Now that I saw where she was coming from, it made it harder for me to hate her.

You wanna know something crazy?

Leah, we're the definition of crazy. We're a bunch a renegade werewolves protecting a family of vampires.

I suddenly wished I had kept my mouth shut. I don't think he was in any mood to hear me defend Rosalie.

What's on your mind? he questioned. What a stupid question. He could read my mind.

It's just…I get that blonde vampire's perspective. I could feel the rage heating up his body. I was such an idiot sometimes. At that moment, I knew I'd stuck my foot in my mouth. I could see an image of him lunging for my throat in his head. I pleaded with him to let me explain. He didn't want to listen to me. He was getting ready to phase. I felt it. Crap, I couldn't let him phase back without him understanding what I meant.

Come on, don't freak out or overreact. Let me explain! You don't even know what I'm talking about.

You've already dug your own grave, he growled.

I explained anyway, I'm a genetic dead end, Jacob, I snarled. He wasn't expecting that. And of course, he wouldn't understand it. He seemed surprised at my response. Good, at least I had his attention.

Maybe this will help you see things a little more clearly. I flashed a few images in my brain. One being a box of tampons. He automatically cringed at that thought. Why were boys such pussies when it came to that kind of thing?

I continued with my thoughts. I thought about when I had first become a werewolf. And how freaked out I was when I skipped a period. Another cringe from Jacob. I knew that there was no way I was pregnant…unless I was the new Virgin Mary. Then I skipped another period. Cringe. And another. Cringe. I tried my best to see the positive; not having a menstrual cycle wasn't all bad. At least I didn't have to deal with cramps anymore.

I started to wonder if I had become a werewolf because there was something wrong with me. Maybe I wasn't destined to be a typical female, all happy and popping out kids like some frumpy housewife. Just because I didn't like kids doesn't mean I didn't want the option offered.

I continued, adding to my explanation, No one has ever imprinted on me, despite my solid pedigree.

Yeah, cuz you have such a great personality, Jacob thought harshly.

Ouch.

Sam thinks we imprint to choose the person who has the greatest chance of carrying on the heritage. And he was never drawn to me in that sense. I felt the floodgates opening. This pained me to think about, much less talk about. I felt him cower at my pain. Jake, Sam didn't want me because there's something wrong with me. I had to hold back my tears. I'm just a freak with four legs. I can't mate and have little wolf babies. I'm twenty-years-old and stuck in the body of a sixty-year-old menopausal woman.

That explains the mood swings. Jacob tried to lighten the mood. He became serious again after a moment. You don't know any of that for sure. Who knows what will happen after you quit the pack? I bet everything will start to 'flow' again. I felt his hesitation at the word flow. Boys would never understand what girls go through.

I knew that couldn't be true. Because if it was, then why had Sam not imprinted on me? I couldn't carry on the gene.

Come on, you can't seriously want to imprint, or be imprinted on? Not after what happened with Sam? I mean, who says we can't fall in love the normal way? There's nothing wrong with falling in love without imprinting. You, of all people, should understand that the inability to control imprinting is just another way to have your choices taken away from you.

Which is exactly what Bella was trying to avoid. Losing her free-will. I couldn't say that to him though. Not just yet.

I don't know. Sam loves Emily more than anything. More than he loved me. It pained me to say it. And the other boys don't seem to mind, either.

That's because they don't have any brains. They're all idiots.

So you don't want to imprint?

Hell, no! Oh, it wasn't just a "no." It was a "hell, no." I didn't know he felt that strongly about imprinting. Guess that explains why he had never staked a claim on Bella. He loved that crazy bitch with all of his heart. But there was nothing stronger than the love that an imprinter has for their imprintee.

All this pain could go away, Jacob. All you have to do is imprint. You wouldn't hurt over her anymore.

He scoffed at me, Yeah, like you want to forget the way you felt about Sam? How much you love him?

I paused to think that over in my head. And the answer that I came up with surprised even me. I did want to forget everything about Sam. Because if I could forget how much I loved him, then I could forget how hard it was when he admitted that he didn't love me. It was harder to still be friends with him. There was a time in my life that I would have taken his friendship over no relationship with him at all. But after experiencing the heartache of not being able to have him more intimately, I quickly changed my view.

I wanted to forget how it felt the first time I fell in love. Because I wanted that feeling of falling head over heels for someone again. I just wanted to know that I was capable of loving someone more than I loved Sam. But as long as my love for him existed, I knew that the possibility of that happening was not possible. You never get over your first love. Because they will always have your heart.

Jacob interrupted my thoughts, If this is about Sam…if you're worried that I'm going to make you go back to him…don't. I can't promise that you can stay with me forever. But I can promise that I won't make you go back to him.

Thanks. I smiled weakly. I think it might break me if I let him back in my life.

Okay, I had faced enough pain for the moment. I turned my focus back to the psycho blonde. Originally, I had intended to explain to Jacob why I could see where she was coming from. I don't know how the conversation had steered so painfully off-course.

Back to what I was saying, I understand why Rosalie is the way she is. She's so hateful because her life was stolen from her. The options that Bella has were never offered to her. She is giving Bella the chance that SHE never had. I get that, I sighed.

I felt all of Jacob's sympathy for me fade and his anger took over again.

So, you're on the same page as a murderer now? Because that's what Blondie is. She's helping Bella die. You agree with that?

It's not like that, Jacob. You wouldn't understand. You haven't had something like that taken away from you. And I can't explain why I feel this way. Maybe if I knew there was a chance that I could one day have a normal life with a family, and kids…I wouldn't be thinking like this.

You didn't answer me. You agree with murder?

I hesitated. He wasn't going to like my answer.

Call it a girl thing. If Bella asked for my help, even though I can't stand her whiny ass, I would help her. I'd like to think she would do the same for me.

You know, of all people, I wouldn't have expected you to side with the vampires…

I'm not siding with anyone. I…

He cut me off, Just save it. You're just as bad as they are.

Wanting something you can't have makes you stupidly desperate. I tried to explain my moronic view on this subject.

That was the thing that pushed him over the edge. He was moments away from phasing. And I couldn't stop him this time.

Fine, run off. Whatever. I'm used to people bailing on me, I grumbled. Sam, my friends, my dad. It had become a familiar routine. Everyone I cared about had either left me or died.

A few minutes later, he was gone. As he ran away from my thoughts angrily, I sighed. Well, I had screwed that one up royally.

Good job, Leah, I snarled at myself. I had probably just killed any chance I had of running with Jacob after this was through.

I was angry. And sad. I don't know what I was hoping for. I knew that conversation wasn't going to end well. I pushed away all of my emotions and ran all-wolf, just like I had been seeing Jacob do for so long. It definitely helped. It improved my run. I was getting better at this…thanks to Jacob. I hated that our conversation had ended that way.

I had to let out a sarcastic laugh. Just like me to screw up a situation that I had actually been learning from.

For once, I did not enjoy the silence in my head.