The blue nissan sits on the street every morning.
It's owner in the front seat, her eyes on the big gated house.
She watches him leave every morning.
Mostly it's just a short glimpse of him walking briskly out the gate with the little boy running to keep up. She's come to find that he's not very good at being on time.
Sometimes he's on his own though.
Sometimes the child stands at the door with the blonde haired beauty she knows so well. She holds his little hand and they wave goodbye.
Some mornings, before he comes out, she ventures up to the black railings, her knuckles white as she grips them. Her eyes flitter to the security intercom on the side of the brick pillar, daring herself to reach out to the little button.
She never does though.
Can't.
Fear always has her safely back in her car by 7.25 am, instead waiting for his hasty departure. Waiting for that fleeting moment when she gets to see him, because for those short few seconds she's alive again and now she's started this torturous game she can't stop.
Peyton's stood over her kitchen table when he walks in through her open back door.
Her hair is tied up on top of her head and she's got a pencil behind her ear and a pen in her hand and his eyes try to take in the drawing on the sheet before her but she notices him and is quick to cover it up. She likes to keep her work private. He's learnt that much.
'What're you doing here?'
'Lunch break' He steps toward her. 'And I, I just need...' He trails off and her mouth is dry because he's not looking at her face, his eyes hungrily work their way down her body.
She knows that look.
Her eyebrows are raised and her lips are smiling and he's a little taken aback because he made her mad this morning when he dropped Jaime off at hers before school. He told her he was going to stop taking the child to see a shrink. They both had very different opinions on the matter. That much was clear. She'd flown off the handle. She didn't understand and he was being selfish but she hadn't been up all night with the kid having nightmares and he'd decided it was a little coincidental that Jamie had had a session the previous day. Peyton had argued that night terrors were something they'd been told to expect time and time again, that she thought Jaime was benefiting from seeing someone. Eventually he'd left when she'd slammed the door in his face.
He'd not spent the last few hours at work feeling bad for the words exchanged though, he'd spent his time fantasising over her because she was hot when she was mad.
'Come here' She urges suddenly.
He hurries to her, hands sliding round her little waist and then his mouth is on hers and his tongue is running over her lips and she's grappling at his forearms because his eagerness is sending her body completely off balance.
'How long do you have?' He groans between kisses.
'Enough time' She decides.
'That's good cause I was going to hold you hostage if not' He lifts her up and spins around, sitting her on the sideboard. 'I've been thinking about this all morning'
'You have?'
'Mm. You're so... hot... when... you're... an...gry' He says between kisses and then she pulls back and is scowling.
'I forgot I'm mad at you' He grins because she's cute and she knows she should be swatting him away because he's smirking but she makes no move to do so.
She's been swamped with work lately and then when they have been together Jamie's been there so they haven't managed to have as much alone time as desired. Trying to conceal their relationship from the child was becoming more and more difficult with each passing day.
His knee shifts her legs apart and his hand is at the crotch of her jeans and she whimpers.
She's never been in a relationship where she quite literally has to have someone but that's what it's like with Lucas. He looks at her and she just wants him to take her then and there and that's foreign to her.
They're in the kitchen and she's never had sex anywhere outside of the bedroom, passion has never engulfed her as it does when she's with him and she finds it thrilling because he's got this glint in his eyes that tells her they're not moving from this spot.
Her back arches as his fingers tug the buttons free on her shirt and she wants to be closer. She wants to be impossibly close. Her head drops into his shoulder and he's muttering something about how it's inconsiderate to wear jeans.
She smiles into his neck and her hands are in his hair and then she's kissing a path to his mouth and his stubbly chin scratches against her porcelain complexion.
His stare is intently on her face as his hand slips beneath her bra, anticipating his name being whimpered through her quivering lips.
'Mum!'
That's not his name.
Not even close.
His head jerks up because that's not what he was so hoping to hear come out of her sweet lips.
She pushes him away with frantic hands and he staggers to the side, head spinning in confusion. He's more than taken aback to see Anna Sawyer standing across from them, looking like a deer caught in headlights.
'I was just bringing the...the birthday cake round, but I, I can see you're busy-' Anna backtracks, clutching a white box in her hands.
'Mum!' Peyton slips of the sideboard, feet thudding on the tiled floor as she hurries after her, re-buttoning the front of her top as she goes.
Anna's in the drive and nearly at her car when Peyton catches up with her 'Mum will you stop!' She hollers.
The older woman does. Abruptly so and Peyton's startled for a moment by her mother's willingness, she's use to repeating herself up to five times over some days before Jamie seems to hear what she's saying. 'Th-thank-you' She mumbles.
Anna stares at her, really stares at her and Peyton can't work it out. She can usually tell what her mother is silently thinking but not this time.
'Mum please say something'
'I...I don't know what to say' She places the cake on the roof of her car. 'I'm, I'm a little lost for words right now'
'I've been meaning to tell you' Peyton tries to placate, wringing her hands together with apprehension.
'Darling don't look so nervous. I'm your mother' Anna admonishes. 'I just...walking in on that took me by surprise'
Peyton's cheeks flush. 'I know, I'm, I'm sorry'
Anna's flustered state has calmed significantly and she studies her daughter's features.
This is her baby girl.
She knows her by heart.
Even from a metre away she can spot the faint scar above her right eyebrow that she attained at just six when she fell out of the tree house. She'd not shed a tear that day and Anna had realised then what a tough little cookie they had on their hands. She can see the freckle that sits near her hairline and although she can't see it, she knows there's the faintest dot on the right side of her nose where she got it pierced at the age of fifteen, despite being told she wasn't allowed. It was the first time she'd rebelled against them and the last come to think of it. Anna smiles slightly as she remembers a young teenage version of the daughter before her. Back then she'd confided every little detail of what was going through her mind to her mother. Anna misses it. While they're still extremely close, she's more than aware that things her daughter has been through has caused her to keep her emotions under wraps these days.
'I thought you didn't like him?' Anna treads carefully.
'I know. You were right though, I didn't give him a chance. But I have now'
'I can see that' Anna smiles coyly. 'So... he's the reason my baby's been smiling so much lately?'
Peyton looks down at the ground and suddenly wishes the earth would split beneath her and swallow her up.
'I-we-it, it's nothing serious Mum' She mumbles.
'Oh darling, I know by that look in your eyes that it's more than serious' Anna disagrees knowingly.
'Mum' Peyton frowns.
'Sweetheart, don't run away from your feelings. It's okay to let someone in, especially if that someone makes you happy-'
'Mum' Peyton cuts off, shaking her head and Anna is wise enough not to continue.
'Right, I get it. I'm interfering' She bites her tongue. 'But...'
Peyton rolls her eyes exasperatedly. 'But what?' She groans tiresomely.
'I'm so happy darling, really I am, I've wanted this for you for so long but, do you think this is wise, what with Jamie, honey?'
'Jamie doesn't know anything'
'Doesn't know?'
'No, because we're hiding it'
'Hiding it?'
'We've just, we're taking things slow'
Anna looks concerned.
'Don't look like that Mum. Please don't worry okay? You have nothing to worry about. I'm fine. Lucas is fine and Jamie is fine. We're all fine'
Anna nods slowly. She's not too sure she agrees because she can see that this boy means something to her daughter, she can see it and what good can come of denying it?
She reaches for Peyton suddenly and pulls her into her arms and hugs her fiercely. 'I just want you to be happy baby. If you're happy, I'm happy'
'I'm happy Mum'.
'Happy Birthday dear Jamie, Happy birthday too you!'
The chorus of singing is followed by clapping and cheering and the six candles flicker in the gentle breeze but it's Jamie's big blow that extinguishes them.
Blow. Four go out. Blow. One goes out. Blow. The final flame sizzles out, a trail of smoke going up into the air.
Jamie grins up at the people surrounding him. He loves his cake.
There's a moon and stars and a space ship in the very centre that he keeps pointing out to anyone that is interested.
Lucas smiles. Jamie is excited and his happy little face is rubbing off on him. Peyton and him found the most perfect green bike with red stabilisers for the occasion and he's barely gotten off it since he ripped the wrapping paper off that morning.
'So you and Peyton...'
Well news travelled fast. Lucas meets Larry's expectant gaze.
His smile diminishes somewhat because they're about to have this conversation that he doesn't really want, not today. 'I'm sorry'
'Sorry?' Larry's brow furrows. 'What for?'
'Erm...I dunno, for having sex with your daughter?'
Larry grimaces. 'Okay son, that's something I could have done without hearing' He mutters.
'Right' Lucas nods. 'Sorry. You can like hit me or whatever protective father thing you feel like doing' He suggests.
Again Larry laughs. 'Lucas as much as I'll always think of Peyton as my little girl and I don't want to think about her doing that, I know she's actually a woman and it'd make me happier than anything to see her happy'
Lucas squirms. 'Right'
'Just don't hurt her. Then I may have a reason to hit you' Larry threatens playfully. In actuality he thinks the younger man could take him down if he really wanted too but Lucas plays along and he's thankful because this isn't joke. They're talking about his baby girl and his baby girl is everything to him.
This conversation makes Lucas feel on edge though and he's thankful when Jamie interrupts, insisting they watch him on his bike.
Their eyes avert to the happy six year old on the patio.
The girls are cutting the cake and Anna smiles in Lucas' direction.
She's been doing that a lot since she got here and he doesn't like it.
Her parent's are being so nice and he's sure that's not normal. He's sure they're meant to be secretly encouraging her to break this off, whatever this is, they should be telling her she's crazy and that she deserves better. But if anything they seem to be one hundred percent on board.
Jamie whizzes past him on his bike. He's got the hang of it pretty quickly and Lucas doesn't doubt that those stabilisers will be coming off before they know it.
He smiles up at Lucas and circles the table, proudly informing Peyton as he passes that he's like lightening McQueen to which the blonde agrees enthusiastically.
Lucas' eyes keep averting to her.
She's wearing a green dress that floats out at her waist, falling to just above her knees and he can't stop looking at those legs and he doesn't understand how they're so long because while her parents are of a reasonable height she's not exactly inherited their body shapes. And then he remembers, she's not theirs, not biologically and he thinks she's pretty fucking lucky. She is. Anna's arm is around her and they're laughing about something and then he hears the doting mother tell her daughter that she looks beautiful today and Peyton rolls her eyes and murmurs an embarrassed thank you before she swats her arm away so she can continue dishing up the birthday cake.
But it seems the small task is destined not to be finished because another guest has found their way around the back of the house and the girls are greeting the woman. He didn't know they were expecting anyone else- just her parents and Brooke, that's what she'd said and he'd sure as hell not invited anyone. He didn't know anyone else to invite. Brooke moves out of his line of vision and then he suddenly has a better look and then everything stops.
Stops.
Literally.
He freezes.
Blood rushes through his ears.
His stomach turns.
He feels dizzy.
But as quickly as he feels it, he's blinking back into focus and he's angry. Livid. Mad.
He can feel his cheeks burning hot with fury and he doesn't know when he moved this close but he's standing next to Peyton and speaking in her ear. 'A word?' He says lowly and then he's stalking toward the house.
Peyton glances at their newest guest nervously, her mouth suddenly dry. 'Er, Karen, I'll...I'll be right back, Brooke here will get you some cake' She forces a smile and looks at her best friend pointedly before turning and heading in the direction that Lucas just disappeared.
He's pacing back and forth when she finds him, his sneakers squeaking out in protest against the kitchen's tiled floor.
'What's wrong?'
'What's wrong?' He snorts, stopping abruptly before her and grabbing her. 'What the hell Peyton!'
She reels back, jumping at his loud voice.
'What?' She exclaims, yanking her arm out of his hold.
He's angry and it makes her nervous.
She's not seen him like this.
'Why the fuck is she here?' He reaches for her again but she steps back to avoid being ensnared in his death grip.
'Can you keep your voice down please' She seethes. Her feet carry her into the adjoining utility room because she's scared they're going to attract attention from outside.
He follows. 'I don't want her here. You had no fucking right' He shuts the door heavily behind him.
The washing machine is on and it's thrumming loudly in the compact space and her voice rises to travel over it.
'Lucas it would help if I knew what the hell you were talking about' She hisses. She has a good idea who he's referring to though.
'Karen' He blurts with disdain. 'She. Is. Not. Welcome. Here'
Her eyes narrow and she swallows. She's not surprised though and she knows it's now or never. She knows this is her chance to find out the truth. To understand.
'You said it had nothing to do with her but she is the reason, she's why you didn't want Jamie in the cafe that day'
He grits his teeth.
'I told you to drop it'
'I did!' She snaps. 'I did drop it. But she's asked after you Luke and the other morning I saw her parked outside the house. I know it was her. And I, I heard her and Dan arguing the other night and you... you, I know they were arguing about you and-'
'Stop' He cuts off. She's standing next to the wall and she's got no where to go and his grabby hands are quick to find her shoulders. 'Can you just leave it alone'
'No!' She exclaims. 'No I won't'
He shakes her but she's not scared. She's not scared of him. She thinks perhaps she should be because his eyes are dark and he looks ready to kill but she knows he's incapable of hurting her. She knows he's not mad at her, he's mad about what they're discussing and she just wants to understand.
'Luke tell me'
She knows it's not just about him being mad. It's deeper than that.
She reaches out and runs her fingers through his hair and then she's holding his face.
He's panting and she can feel his rage shivering through his body.
'Baby, please. Let me in' She whispers.
He licks his lips and tilts his head so his forehead is pressed to hers and then his eyes close tight and she waits.
Waits. Waits. Waits. Waits until she's sure she's not going to get an answer.
But then he's confiding. He's telling her something she thinks a part of her has known for a while now but it is in no way easy to hear and she's not prepared.
His voice is nothing but a quiet croak and it can barely be heard over the noise of the washing machine but she hears. She hears.
'She's my mother'
She's had her speculations but as his whispered confession drifts across her parted lips, all she can think is it's not possible because it's too crazy and just so unfitting because Karen is wonderful and she doesn't want to think badly of her.
But she is.
Because his nose is against hers and he's taking heavy breaths. In, out. In, out. And she feels his suffering. She feels his pain. She feels what he's feeling and she wants to make it all better and in that moment she hates Karen. She hates her and she never knew it was possible to love and hate someone all at once.
In her silence Lucas' hand creeps beneath her floaty dress and his eyes open, dark and desperate as his finger skims intentionally across her underwear.
'Luke' She shakes her head, distracted from the thoughts buzzing round her head. 'No everyone's out there' Her hands find his wrists but they do little good because he's stronger.
'I need you' He hoists her leg up around his hip and then he's pressing her against the wall so his hands can get his pants undone and she can feel that he needs her. And she wonders how he went from telling her something pretty damn big to trying to get her panty's down.
She tries to stay focused because she's aware that her parents and Brooke and Karen and most importantly Jamie are all lurking nearby and this isn't appropriate. Not at a six year old's birthday party. But she's also struggling to see sense because she's overwrought, because Peyton Sawyer does not do things like this. She does not have sex up against the wall in a utility room whilst meant to be hosting a party. 'Luke everyone-'
'I know, you'll just have to stay quiet won't you?' he gives no space for arguments and she resolves to the fact that this is happening. She loves that he needs her so desperately, so desperately that he won't take no for an answer. She likes feeling needed a whole lot and she wants so badly to help him in any way she can.
The washing machine surges on, the drum rattling loudly as water pumps round and round.
This has all happened so quickly that she's not quite prepared when he pushes into her. She bites down hard on her lip and throws her head back into the wall and she wants to scream out but she can't.
As soon as he's inside her everything's better.
He grunts out a heavy breath of relief and guides her hips.
It's quick. Too quick to remove clothing and that barrier between them makes their movements even more frenzied.
It's over quick. But she feels everything, she's overwhelmed by everything she feels. Not just physically but emotionally.
His mouth covers her frequently to drown out the noises she's making.
And with every second he draws closer to the edge and he tells her when he's so very near and she drops her head onto his shoulder as they come together, her biting down to stop the whimpers from passing through her lips.
Their ragged panting and racing hearts serenade the washing machine that has slowed to a gentle whirl, as the water drains away.
He rests his head in the crook of her neck and her hands stroke through his hair soothingly.
'I'll tell her to leave' She musters after a few silent minutes.
He lets her legs down then and her hands grapple at his shoulders to find her balance.
He looks at her. He wants to say sorry. Sorry for shouting. Sorry for fucking her against the wall because she deserves luxurious cushions and gentle caresses.
But he doesn't say any of that. She doesn't need to hear any of that because she doesn't want him to be sorry.
'Thank you' He nods instead.
She shakes her head. He shouldn't say thank you. Doesn't need to because this isn't his fault.
'I'm sorry I asked her here'
'You didn't know' he shakes his head. 'She...she's a part of your life and you, you shouldn't have to-'
'You're a part of my life and I don't, I don't want her here' She holds his hands and rolls forward onto her tippy toes, pressing a kiss to his open mouth. 'I'll go ask her to leave'
Peyton walks out of the laundry room and through the kitchen on unstable legs.
She feels all shaky for a number of a reasons.
She wants to yell at Karen. She wants to ask her question after question. She wants to understand. She wants to tell her to get out. She wants to go lock herself in the bathroom and cry. Cry for Lucas. Cry for Karen.
Her heart leaps into her throat as she rounds the corner into the hallway.
There stands the woman that has her feeling so sick.
Karen is seemingly aware of what she's about to be asked because her bag is on her shoulder and her jacket is over her arm.
'I should go right?' She asks.
Peyton swallows.
Everything she's ever felt for this woman, everything she's thought about Karen Roe, it's all under siege.
She's torn.
Lucas is at the forefront of her mind.
His frantic touch still burns her skin and she can't stop seeing the pained look in his eyes.
And she, Karen, is the reasoning behind it all.
'I, you...' She looks down because she can't stare into the older woman's kind, dark eyes. 'Yes' She nods finally. She opens her mouth to say more but words don't come.
'It's okay honey. You don't need to say anything. I'll see you soon and I'm sorry. I shouldn't have come here. Not today' Karen turns herself toward the door but pauses to look over her shoulder before departing. 'Tell him I'll wait...for as long as he needs' She murmurs softly. 'Tell him I just want to talk, that's all'
Peyton doesn't answer and Karen doesn't expect her to. For she knows that she gave up any right she had as a parent a long time ago, she gave up that right when she signed the papers to give up her child, she gave up the right to just talk to him and he has every right to not want to know her.
'You look like you could do with another drink' Brooke smiles, offering him a chilled beer straight from the fridge.
He gladly takes it. He really wants to just go outside with his cold beverage and smoke a cigarette but that would be rude. 'Thanks.'
Brooke pulls herself up onto the sideboard and sticks her finger in the icing of the remaining cake. 'So' She sucks the sweetness from her forefinger and watches him open his beer and take a swig. 'You and Peyton huh?'
Lucas sighs, his stare reluctantly trailing back to the chirpy brunette.
He's quick to decide that he's not overly keen on that smiling face.
Smiling that much is just not normal, surely.
'Not you too' He murmurs.
It's making him feel uncomfortable.
It was easy when it was just him and Peyton. It was theirs and theirs alone but now, in less than twenty four hours he's sure the whole town knows.
He's never experienced this before, he's never experienced such interest in who he's sleeping with.
He guesses it's cause he's not just sleeping with her though, it's not as simple as that. Not anymore, he supposes it's never been as simple as just that. But it hadn't bothered him because it was just them.
'She's my best friend, protecting her is what I do best' Brooke defends. 'So, are you going to make this painful? Or are you just going to give me the details'
'Details?' His eyes squint at her.
'Yeah- what's your story Lucas?'
'Er, right' He shifts his weight. 'Well, what do you want to know?'
'Where were you born?'
'Around here. Moved to Charlotte when I was little. Grew up there...' He trails off.
'That's all I'm getting?'
'I don't think I know you enough for you to get anymore' He taunts.
She pouts.
'So you and Peyton huh?' He throws back at her instead.
She smiles because he's confident and seemingly doesn't give a shit what she thinks about him and she thinks that's good for Peyton because she needs someone to bring out her self confidence.
'Yes. I'm her number one Honey, always will be. Hoes before bros always'
His nose crinkles. 'Well Honey, she doesn't scream your name when-'
'Okay buddy' Brooke puts her hands up to stop him. 'Please don't finish that sentence because she'll be screaming for a whole different reason if she hears you' She smirks.
'What're you two doing?'
Both of their heads twist to look round.
Peyton is standing behind them, hand on hip, eyes curious and expectant and the first thing he notes is that she looks uncomfortable. She looks uneasy.
'Just talking' Brooke's voice rasps gently.
Lucas nods in confirmation.
Peyton's head bobs slowly but she's crossed her arms defensively infront of her chest and she's shifting her weight and Lucas wonders why she's not happy about them talking.
'What about?
'Well, your best friend is nosey, she's been trying to get my whole life story out of me'
'Without a whole lotta success' Brooke sighs dramatically.
Lucas pats the back of the sofa and Peyton perches awkwardly there under his urging.
'Is Jamie okay?' He asks.
'Yeah, he's playing with my dad...You were talking about me' Her eyes are on her friend, narrowed and questioning and Lucas watches a silent conversation take place and then Brooke is speaking.
'Sweetie, the only thing we have in common is you, you're kind of a good topic' She stands and squeezes Peyton's hand and Lucas watches the exchange. 'Was nothing. Promise' She winks. 'I'm going to go help your Mum tidy up out there'
'You okay?' He inquires when they're alone because she's watching after Brooke and he's not sure what their conversation was just about but it seemed like it was more than he understood.
'Yeah. Just, she likes to gossip sometimes-'
'Well I got the impression she didn't have a bad word to say about you'
Peyton licks her lips and he tugs her over the back of the sofa and she gasps and squeals as she lands in his lap.
'Why do I get the feeling you're keeping secrets?' He taps her nose.
'Huh' She smiles. 'You're one to talk'
He nods, finger trailing over the lines on the palm of her hand soothingly.
'Thank you for getting rid of her Peyt. I can't. I don't want...'
'It's okay. I understand'
'I wasn't very nice to you earlier though and there's no...' He stops talking because she's sat up right and is moving off of his lap and he doesn't know what he's done wrong.
She doesn't venture far though but something's different. She's different.
'Can you get my Mum?' Her eyes are closed and she's holding onto the arm of the sofa with both hands.
'What's wrong?' His hand is on her knee as his neck cranes to see her face.
'I just...can you get...'
'Peyton?'
Her body sways and his hands spring out to stop her toppling from the seat.
'Peyton?'
His body tenses as he looks down at her.
He hopes she's fooling around, trying to distract him from the train wreck that today was.
But if that's the case it's not funny.
Not funny at all.
It quickly becomes apparent to him that she's not doing anything of the sort. Of course she's not.
But with that realisation comes fear.
Her body is heavy in his arms and he's cradling her awkwardly and her eye lids are fluttering and her body is jerking.
'Peyton' Panic arises in the back of his throat, he's trying to yell. He's trying to get someone's attention but no sound is coming out and then her body is more than just shaking, it's convulsing; her limbs stiff and thrashing uncontrollably.
He sinks to the ground with her, her legs inevitably thumping on the wooden flooring and then he's yelling.
He's not aware of the string of words that're coming from his mouth, he's shouting Anna and Larry's name over and over. He's telling them to come quickly. He's telling them to do something.
But his eyes don't leave her.
He's holding her head on his lap but he's struggling to do so and he's worried he's doing completely the wrong thing but he can't let go because he's scared she'll hurt herself on the hard floor. 'Peyton'
And then suddenly the room is full and Larry is gently urging Lucas out of the way and Anna is kneeling beside her and speaking in a calm and gentle voice and telling her it's okay. It'll be okay. And everyone is so fucking calm. Accept Lucas.
Lucas isn't calm.
Not at all.
He stumbles back against the sofa, moisture welling in his eyes, blurring the humdrum of commotion going on before him.
And all he can think is this is not okay.
This is in no way okay.
And he needs her to be okay. He needs her.