The story's in the past

With nothing to recall

I've got my life to live

And I don't need you at all

The rollercoaster ride we took is nearly at an end

I bought my ticket with my tears

That's all I'm gonna spend

"Red Rubber Ball"

-Cyrkle

Chapter 42:

Breaking my heart once wasn't enough?

The first thing that I noticed when I walked into the house is how quiet it was.

"Where's Emily?" I questioned.

"Out with Claire and her mother."

So if I killed him now there would be no witnesses. Excellent. Sam saw that I had a questionable look on my face and took a step back. I stood completely still. After a minute, both of us relaxed. We were still quiet.

Leave it to me to break the uncomfortable silence.

"So…big fight coming up…"

"Yeah." Sam nodded.

"I'm just curious…do the Elders know what's going on? With the Volturi?"

"Billy knows…" Of course Billy knew. I had totally called that one. "Well, he and Old Quil know…certain things. They don't know the logistics of it. But they're aware that more wolves are going to be joining the pack, so they aren't completely clueless that something is going on…"

"But you haven't talked to them about the battle?" I questioned.

"No. Not yet."

"Good. Do me a favor and keep my mom out of it…" I frowned.

"She's on the council, Leah. There are certain things she needs to know…"

"And the fact that Seth and I will be fighting a losing battle is not one of them. So please just keep your mouth shut…"I begged.

"Alright." Sam's willingness to agree to my plea surprised me a little.

The silence took over again for a few minutes.

Sam cleared his throat. "Would you like something to drink?"

Not unless he had several bottles of alcohol laying around somewhere.

"No, thanks."

He walked into the kitchen anyway and motioned for me to follow him. I begrudgingly shuffled after him.

"I'm glad to see that you're up and about. That leech really did a number on you the other day." Sam motioned for me to sit down.

I grunted a little as I walked into the kitchen. Every time I came here, I was reminded of what he and I could have had. I shook my head and opted to stay standing instead.

"Yeah, well…you know, it's going to take more than a few broken bones to stop me." I shrugged.

"Still…I kind of wish you had called me when you got home. I was worried." Sam frowned.

He had lost the right to worry about me the moment that he imprinted on Emily. I didn't have to tell him anything anymore.

"You're not my boyfriend anymore, Sam," I grumbled. "I was with Embry. He took care of me." Something you never did. I refrained from saying the last part.

Sam frowned a little at my hostility, but then nodded approvingly. "Well, I'm glad that you're okay."

Was this all he wanted to talk to me about? To make some pathetic sad faces at me while kicking himself for letting his idiot newborn wolf go off and get himself into a position where I had to save him and got hurt in the process? This wasn't something he could have done over the phone?

"Was there any other particular reason you kept telling people you wanted to talk to me?" I asked. I kind of hoped that there was. Because the longer that Sam spoke about something, the longer I could avoid talking to him about what I needed to talk to him about. How he had ruined any chances I ever had of having a normal functioning relationship...

Sam took a minute to pause and think before he answered me, "I just…had to see for myself that you were really okay."

"You could have just stalked me like every other normal person would have." That would have saved us both the trouble. I was obviously not ready to have this talk.

I was starting to get irritated that he had gone through all this trouble just to say "hi glad you didn't die…want some tea?" I knew that he had seen from Paul's mind that I was perfectly fine. So why would he go to such great lengths just to make sure my bones had healed?

"What's this really about, Sam?"

He took another deep breath before he answered. Something was obviously troubling him.

"When I saw you on the ground in pain, it was…difficult for me…"

I laughed. Difficult for him? I'm the one who'd had four broken bones. I'm the one who almost got mauled to death by that crazy-ass vampire. And yet…it was hard for him? Oh, boo hoo…poor freakin Sam…

"I should have had a closer eye on things," Sam admitted.

"Yes. You should have." Damn, I tried not to let that slip. It made me feel kind of crappy, because it wasn't his fault. It was Paul's fault for not watching Cody. It was Cody's fault for being a dumbass. It was the vampire's fault for being a vampire. And it was my fault for choosing to attack the vampire. It was everyone but Sam's fault.

"As it is, I was afraid that we wouldn't make it in time…"

"Embry made it in plenty of time." I shrugged. "I had another few minutes of fight left in me." I wondered if I would get away with that lie. It was more like a matter of seconds. If Embry hadn't knocked me out of the bloodsucker's grasp when he did, I wouldn't be here bitching at Sam today.

"When Jared and I helped disassemble the vampire, all I wanted to do was run to your side to make sure that you were still breathing," he sighed. "If you had died…I don't even…I can't even begin to imagine…"

I didn't see what the big deal would have been to him. It's not like I was a part of his pack or his life anymore. It's not like he still loved me. I looked at him. Did he?

"But I didn't die…" Not yet, anyway. I still had about a month left. "So…why all the dramatics?" I questioned.

"Because even though we're not together anymore, I still love you, Leah…" He looked me in the eyes. I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me.

"Excuse me?" I gasped. Then I shook my head angrily. "No. You can't say that kind of stuff to me anymore." I choked back a pained cry. "I'm with Embry now. And you…you're with Emily…"

"Doesn't mean I love you any less." Sam tried to make me feel better.

"No, you just love Emily more," I snapped.

"I can't fight with destiny."

"You never tried," I scoffed.

"I wouldn't want to. Because I do love Emily. She's going to be my wife shortly…" Yeah, if we lived through the Volturi. Which was very unlikely. I bit my lip when I thought about what might happen if we did survive. Well, Embry would win the bet for one thing. But…I would have to fulfill my duties for Emily and Sam's wedding. Horrible gawdy pink dress and all. Only one thought came to mind: Insert gun in mouth…pull trigger.

Sam continued, "Just because Emily and I are soul mates…" Where was that damn gun? "That doesn't mean that I don't care about you, too. You're my best friend, Leah. We've known each other for fifteen years…"

"And that was fifteen years too long," I sighed. I hadn't said that with any hint of anger in my voice. I didn't mean it to be hurtful. I just think that maybe I would have been happier if he had never loved me in the first place. Hell, he would be happier. I managed to squeak out another sigh, "How do you move on from fifteen years?"

"With time I guess." Sam didn't know the answer any more than I did. The thing is, we both wanted to move on. He had Emily. And I had Embry. We both had people who loved us. The question was…were they in love with us? Loving someone and being in love are two totally different things. And I believed with all my heart that Sam and I had been in love.

"Oh, get real, Sam." I rolled my eyes. "'Time heals all wounds' is just a bullshit phrase…"

"Your arm healed…" He pointed out.

"That's because bones heal. Hearts don't."

"You don't have to get snarky…"

Actually, I had every reason to tell him how I felt. As he so kindly pointed out, we had been friends for fifteen years. Friends fight. And he wanted to be my friend, therefore, we were going to fight whether he wanted to or not.

"I don't think my heart will ever be the same. I thought it was on the mend. Until I came here today." I shook my head. "If you keep toying with my emotions like this…I might as well just rip my heart out of my chest and give it to you to play hackey-sack with."

"Look, I get that I hurt you. I'm a dick. I'm an unbelievable selfish piece of shit. I'm…unbearable to be around. I can not change what has already happened."

"I know that," I said. "And I would never ask you to. I love my cousin, and I see the way the two of you look at each other…" I was trying to convince myself not to give in to my irrational emotional side. Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry. "I wouldn't want either one of you to be unhappy. So, I'll just…see you at the wedding then…" If those damn vampires didn't kill us, I might just have to set myself on fire or something.

"Out of curiosity, how are things going with you and Embry?" He surprised me when he asked about my relationship with Embry.

I was a lot touchier about the subject than I thought I would be.

"What are you, my psychiatrist?" I snapped. Then I took a moment to laugh because I remembered that my last psychiatrist had fired me. I was a complete and utter fuck-up and apparently no one could fix me. "Newsflash: You don't get to gossip with me about my love life."

"You're angry…" Sam stated the obvious.

"Gee, you're so perceptive."

"But I thought you were happy with Embry." There he was, asking about something he had no right asking me about again.

"Of course I'm happy." I tensed my jaw up because this next part wasn't going to be so easy. "But…he's not you, Sam." It pained me to say those words. I did care about Embry dearly. I allowed him to get closer to me than anyone else I knew. But it still didn't change the fact that I didn't love him as much as I had once loved Sam. And that just irritated me to no end. That's what I was here to try and change today.

Sam looked down at the floor nervously. I knew this was making him uncomfortable. It wasn't exactly easy for me, either.

After a moment of silence, Sam finally looked up at me again.

"What do you expect me to say to that?" His tone was harsher than it had been a second ago. That stung me.

"Nothing. You seem to be really good at saying nothing."

"Come on. You know none of this is by choice…"

"It isn't?" I gasped sarcastically. "Well, in that case, everything's all better now." I frowned. "I'm sick of the 'destiny,' 'free-will,' 'imprinting' speech."

"I never meant to hurt you," Sam said with a growl building up in his throat.

I tried my best to suppress my anger, but it just wasn't working.

"Yeah? Well…you did." I shrugged. "And because I can never stop loving you…I don't have a shot in hell at loving Embry back."

He looked stunned that I had finally admitted aloud that I was still in love with him. It was hard for me to say, but it was true. Even more stunning though was the fact that I wanted to love Embry back.

"You don't know that for sure. You're still so angry with me that you can't let go of your past to enjoy your future."

"You don't think I've been trying to say goodbye to you for the past year? You don't think I want to get over the fact that you and Emily are going to get your happy little dream wedding? I have done everything possible to try and get you out of my life!" I exclaimed. I saw how much that hurt him, but I couldn't stop my emotions from spitting out all over the place. I hated being a girl sometimes. "I left the pack. I ignored everyone around me when they would just mention your name. I can even admit that I'm falling for Embry. But I can't let you go, Sam! Why can't I let you go!" I could feel the tears burning my eyes now.

This argument was reminding me too much of the night that Sam had told me he was in love with Emily. He had told me that he still wanted me in his life. That as much as he loved Emily, he would never let go of the love he had for me because I held a special place in his heart. Bull-fucking-shit. Then he apologized about twelve-hundred times before telling me that he never wanted to hurt me.

Sam put his arm on my shoulder to try and stop me from shaking.

"Leah, I'm so s…"

"Don't say you're sorry, or I swear to God I'll jam my foot so far up your ass that Carlisle will have to remove it surgically." I shoved him away from me.

"We have to talk about this, Leah. You can't just keep hiding behind your anger," Sam said quietly.

He had me there. I had always been one to hide how much I was hurting by being an incredibly hateful bitch. It was just easier to be angry.

I shook my hands furiously.

"I can't do this. I thought I could, but I can't. I can't pretend that what we had didn't mean something. I can't just be your friend, Sam. After everything we've been through, I can't watch from the sidelines not understanding what I did wrong…"

"What…you…did wrong?" Sam was trying to decipher what I meant by that.

I nodded. "I wasn't enough for you, Sam? Was that it? I didn't do everything a perfect girlfriend should do? I didn't play house and bake cookies and clean the kitchen, and make little babies like I should have? Is that why you didn't choose me?"

"Is that what you think?" Sam asked softly.

"Tell me what I'm supposed to think."

"Leah, it had nothing to do with you. There's nothing wrong with you," he assured me. I sighed. I'd heard this speech a million times before. And the fact that I had heard it so much lately just further proved my theory that there was something wrong with me. He shook his head in frustration and then let out an aggravated grunt. "Maybe if things were different. If…the vampires weren't here and we didn't have to exist as werewolves…who's to say we wouldn't have ended up together? But we don't live in the real world anymore. Things get set into motion for a reason…"

"Yeah, a stupid reason," I grumbled. This really was all the leeches' fault for being here and existing. What kind of wonderful world would we be living in if the Cullens weren't here? Maybe Sam and I could have been happy together. Hell, maybe Bella and I would have gotten along. I grumbled and shook my head. Nah, we were polar opposites. We would hate each other until our dying day.

"We're supposed to be in each other's lives. I know that. And we've had a rocky road. We just got lost somewhere along the way." Sam frowned. "Leah…what happened to us?"

Was he freaking kidding me?

"Do you really want me to answer that?" I growled.

His response was filled with sarcasm, "No, I'm just talking to myself here."

That just pissed me off more. "You…are just an incredible…dickhead!" I was so angered that I couldn't think of anything else to call him at the moment. "You want to know what I really think? I think that you're just trying to get the fact that I almost died off of your conscience. Is that what this is about? The fact that your stupid-ass pack almost got me killed?" Well...fine. "If that's all you need, you're off the hook. I forgive Paul for not paying close enough attention…"

"There's the anger again. I know you're just venting, but you're starting to piss me off…" Sam muttered under his breath.

"Oh, I'm sooo sorry for hurting your delicate little girly feelings, Sam." If he was allowed to hurt me with sarcasm, I could do the same to him.

"I'm sorry that you hate me so much…" Sam shook his head. "I don't feel so strongly towards you."

This whole "I still love you" junk was really getting under my skin.

"You only love me when it's convenient for you. Where was the love when we were sharing thoughts as wolves? Or when you decided to use your Alpha command on me the second I didn't agree with you?"

"I only did that because you were being unruly…"

"Because I had a different opinion than you? That's crap and you know it!" I turned towards the door. I was finished here. I was too angry to think straight, and Sam was just trying to make himself feel better. "God, you are such a tool."

As I reached for the door, Sam stopped me. His hand came down firmly on the frame and the door slammed in front of me.

"You don't understand. We can't leave things like this…" I reached for the handle again, but Sam jerked my arm away.

He was shaking. I couldn't tell if he was angry or if he was just trying not to give in to his despair. I felt his fingers tense up around my arm. The pressure started to hurt. I managed to stay calm.

I kept my tone as even as I could, "Sam…you're hurting me. Let me go…"

How had it gotten to this point? Since when had Sam been the one to lose his cool while I kept mine?

Sam still had his hand tightly around my arm trying to keep me from walking out the door. When he spoke, his voice was calmer than his demeanor.

"There is something else you need to know…"

I glanced down to where he was restraining me and shook my head.

"You have about two seconds to let go of my arm…" I threatened him.

"We aren't finished here yet…" Sam's voice still had no hint of anger.

His two seconds were up.

"Yes…we damn well are." I drew my free hand back and threw it forward into his chin. He let go of my arm and went stumbling backwards.

At first the only thing I felt was my adrenaline. Holy shit. I had punched him. I had punched Sam Uley. I had been fantasizing about doing that since he broke my heart. I had to admit, it did feel good. Until I realized that my hand was throbbing.Ow, damn it, damn it, damn it… His freaking jaw was tough. I could feel a bruise forming on my knuckles. Sam rubbed his hand over his chin as he tried to crack his jaw.

"Why did you hit me?" He seemed taken aback.

"Because you deserved it." I realized that was a childish answer, so I added, "I told you to let me go…"

"I wasn't going to hurt you…" He wiped away some blood from the inside of his lip.

"Did the words 'you're hurting me' not get through that thick skull of yours?" I snapped. "What could be so important that you would bruise my arm to say it?" I threw my arm up to show him the red marks where his fingers had been.

"I'm sorry," he said sincerely. "But I couldn't let you walk out without knowing…"

"Knowing what? That you're a fucking masochistic cocksucker?" Well, so much for having control of my anger.

"You probably don't realize it yet, but…we're going to be spending a lot of time together in the near future…" He had to be referring to the wedding. But since I was probably going to be dead, I wasn't that worried about bailing on the ceremony.

"Over my dead body!" Literally. If the Volturi didn't kill me, I was going to have to find another way to get out of the wedding.

I threw open the front door and stormed out. Sam followed me. I spun around and drew my fist back again.

He threw his hands up and backed away a few steps. Damn right you mother-fucking asshole…or, well…in his case, cousin-fucking asshole.

"Wait. You don't understand…" Sam frowned. "Just give me a few more minutes of your time and I'll explain…"

"I'm done listening to your excuses. I've wasted enough of my life on you." I frowned. "Matter of fact, how about you give me back the last fifteen years of my life?" I snarled. It was a really generic thing to say, and I knew that, but it's not like I could come up with anything better.

I heard a howl in the distance. Jacob was calling a meeting. Thank God. I finally had a logical excuse to get out of here.

"Don't bother following me," I growled. "In fact, if you come near me again…I will break every bone in your body and leave you as a snack for the vampires." I frowned. "I hope that one day someone comes along and hurts you the way you've hurt me. The day that happens look me up. I'm sure I could use a good laugh at your expense," I said bitterly.

I broke forward in a run as I started to shed my clothes.

"Leah…wait!" Sam exclaimed.

But I was already gone.

As I raced towards meeting my pack, I left Sam behind in the dust. The last I looked, he hadn't phased to follow me.

I had expected the conversation with Sam to go over a little something like that. I mean, I didn't go in planning to punch him. That was just an added bonus. Considering how many emotions had been flooding my mind in that house, he was lucky I didn't kill him.

I sighed a little. I didn't get anything I needed from that conversation. Sam was right. We weren't through yet.

Eventually, Sam and I would have to finish that conversation. But for now…I just threw my snout in the air and ran towards my pack…to the only freedom I had ever known.