I can live with God and with suicide

The same thing holds if I close my eyes

It's a truth so pure it can kill you dead

A taste of heaven mixed with hell inside of my head

"God and Suicide"

-Blitzen Trapper

Chapter 46:

Listen to me, damn it!

I was on high alert as I ran out to the Cullen's place. I wasn't sure what kind of monsters I might be in danger of running into. It was spooky running out here all by myself. I was kind of wishing that Jacob would be on all fours when I phased so that maybe he could just see my plan from my thoughts, saving me the trip out to Vampireland.

As I got closer to the house, I picked up on a new vampire scent. God, these leeches moved fast. I concentrated as I inhaled the smell. There were three of them a few miles ahead of me. I slowed my pace so the vampires didn't think I was hunting them. I listened closely as they chattered among themselves. I thought I could pick up an accent. Irish maybe? I peered through some bushes and saw three bloodsuckers walking at a normal human pace, which was weird. They were discussing their plans. It only took me a minute to understand why they were taking their time. They seemed unsure of the Cullen's motives for bringing them out here.

One of the vampires stopped and sniffed the air. I took a few steps back. Yeah, like that would help. If they'd smelled me, there was nothing I could do about it now.

"Well, this just keeps getting stranger…" The large female leech nodded her head in interest. "Tell me, am I the only one who is picking up on an odd scent?"

The little redhead responded, "I smell it, too," she said. "Maybe the Cullens own a dog."

Psh, could a dog rip a vampire limb from limb in two point four seconds flat? I tried to contain my thoughts. With my luck, they would all be freaks who could read minds like Edward.

"This is more…domesticated. There's a human component to it…"

Crap. I hope they didn't want to eat me. I'd heard how untasty we are to their kind, but just because something tastes bad doesn't mean hungry people won't eat it.

"Never mind it. We are almost to the Cullen's place now." The larger woman started to run again. She had quickened their pace a bit. Were they afraid of me? I laughed. Cool.

"I don't know about this, Siobhan, dear." The male vampire shook his head. "Are you certain it isn't a trap?"

"Carlisle and I have known each other a long time, Liam. We go way back, my sweet," Siobhan responded. "And besides, Maggie said that Carlisle was telling the truth. Didn't ya, darling?"

"Of course." The little redhead they were with answered perkily. I'm sure that if Alice returned, she and Maggie would get along great. Maggie was a tiny little thing with bright red hair. Perhaps she just looked so tiny because she was traveling with two vampires that were much larger than her. Siobhan's body was large and round, but somehow it fit her proportions. Liam had a scowl on his chiseled jaw-line. He was a big guy, too.

"It's quite convenient to carry around the human lie detector." Siobhan laughed. She winked at Maggie.

I still continued to linger as far back from the Irish clan as possible. I didn't know anything about them except for the fact that they were vampires. For all I knew, werewolves were a delicacy in Ireland.

I arrived at the mansion a few minutes after the Irish did. I figured I'd give them some time to settle in and hear Nessie's story.

Apparently, there was no need. It seems that Siobhan and Liam trusted Little Maggie's talent to tell when others were lying to her. Edward explained the situation and Maggie convinced Liam and Siohban that it was all true.

I wanted to learn more about Maggie's power. There were so many questions that I wanted to know the answers to. And if she was around when I asked them, no one would be able to bullshit their answers.

"So...you always know when someone is lying to you?" Bella asked, impressed.

Maggie nodded with a smile on her face.

"It's convenient in relationships." I saw her grin a bit.

That would be a cool power to have. I could see some middle-aged man sitting on his big fat ass, watching football on TV with his wife nagging him in the background,

"Honey, did you take the garbage out?"

"Why of course, dear."

"Don't you lie to me you lazy bastard! Get your butt up and haul that can out to the curb right this instant!"

"*sigh* Yes, dear. *mumbles incoherently about not being able to lie to his wife*"

"This wee little one is really something…" Siobhan observed Nessie playing with her mother's hair.

Edward smiled and kissed Bella. "Just like her mother…"

Ugh, vomit. I hated seeing their stupid family that shouldn't exist in the first place. I was done being polite and letting the new guests get comfortable.

Hey, Eddie! I knew the name would get on Edward's nerves. Even if the conversation with Jacob didn't go well, at least I could gloat about the fact that I had annoyed the leech. Edwaaardooo…I need to talk to Jacob. Send him out here.

At first I thought Edward was ignoring me. But after a few minutes, Jacob came out the front door. He looked startled to see me.

"What are you doing here?" he questioned.

I just glared at him. In order for me to answer that you're going to have to phase to talk to me you dumbass.

"I already told you what the plan was. Go home."

Bite me. I wasn't leaving without talking to him.

"Come on, you might scare off some of the leeches…" He seemed worried about that?

Screw them. I sat down to let him know I wasn't going anywhere. I'm not leaving until we talk…

"Edward just got off the phone with Carlisle. We're expecting a clan from Egypt and the leader is already leery of coming here. I don't want to frighten him off."

Me? Frighten a vampire? Oh, I would never do such a thing, I said sarcastically. Phase damn it!

"What do you want from me, Leah?" he sighed.

Oh my God, how freaking dense are you? I exclaimed. I was sitting right here in front of him, as a wolf, trying to communicate with him. I would have thought the fact that I couldn't answer him would have been his first clue.

If there weren't so many vampires around, I would have phased to talk to him as human. But with this many bloodsuckers around, there was no way I was letting my guard down.

I let out an aggravated bark.

"Keep it down…" Jacob glanced in the house nervously.

No.

"I'm sorry that you don't agree with what I'm doing…"

I'm not listening to you…la, la, la… I hummed to myself. Nope, can't hear you…

"But it's really complicated." Jacob frowned. "Don't make this harder than this has to be. I'm already dealing with a lot here…"

You suck.

"I just keep telling myself that I have to do it for Nessie…"

Nessie sucks, too.

Edward snuck up behind Jacob and let out an aggravated groan, "Oh, for God's sake…she wants you to phase, mutt…"

Normally I would have told him to butt out of my mind, but this time I was glad that he'd intervened. If I had to rely on Jacob to understand what I was trying to tell him, I would apparently be out here all damn night.

Thanks, Eddo. I had to come up with more irritating nicknames for him.

He rolled his eyes at me and hissed under his breath, "You can repay the favor by not speaking of my daughter in a derogatory manner."

I saw Jacob scowl at me. Apparently he didn't take too kindly to me talking about his future little wifey either.

Okay, fine. I shrugged. Nessie doesn't suck. I paused. But her parents do.

Edward disappeared back into the house without arguing with me. Jacob continued to frown at me.

What are you waiting for? I asked Jacob. Edward had just told him what I was here for. I saw Jacob look back to the house and bite his bottom lip.

"I know what you're going to say to me, Leah…"

No, you don't. He really didn't. Because if he had known some of the things I had just said to him, he wouldn't be so calm right now.

"I don't think I should phase right now…"

Jacob Black, if you don't get your furry ass down here in ten seconds, I will tear you up! I growled.

Edward opened the door again.

"She's threatening violence…" I could see a hint of a smirk forming on his face. Something told me that he took pleasure in picturing me attacking Jacob. "She's not leaving until you talk to her." He said that like he wanted me gone.

Oh, but I so love being out here with all you lovely bloodsuckers, I said sarcastically.

Edward glared at me and then looked at Jacob.

"Please just talk to her…" So she'll leave. I knew he wanted to say it, but he didn't.

"Why don't you just translate for us?" Jacob suggested.

No! I exclaimed at the same time as Edward. I was a little surprised that he agreed with me.

I didn't care. I didn't need the leech's help. With my luck, Edward would probably completely misconstrue what I was trying to say to Jacob anyway. I could totally see him making shit up just to get back at me for all the crap I had given him over the past few months.

"I know you don't want to leave Renesmee, but she is safe. Trust me on that," Edward assured Jacob. It was still so weird to see Edward and Jacob getting along. It was like after everything they'd been through, instead of it pushing them apart, it pulled them together as friends.

LAME! I snorted. Maybe they were lovers.

Jacob nodded at Edward, responding something in thought.

"I'll see to it that no one becomes nosy," Edward said as he disappeared into the house. My best guess is that Jacob didn't feel comfortable phasing in front of the house full of visitors.

After a few minutes, Jacob came down off the porch, shook off his clothes, and phased.

About damn time, I grumbled.

You shouldn't be here… Jacob frowned.

Said the werewolf in a house full of vampires…

I wouldn't be here either if it weren't for Nessie.

Save your love speech for someone who cares. I was sick of hearing about how happy she made him. It's like he was freaking gloating about it. Geeze, I got it. The kid was his reason for living. Just shut up about it already.

Fine. What brings you out this way?

I just saw you were having a house party and I wanted to know why I wasn't invited. I chuckled. I cleared my throat and decided to just be straight with him. We're not happy about your decision to make us go back to La Push. I flashed the memory of Seth, Quil, Embry, and I grumbling about being pissed at Jacob. We want to stay close to you.

I already told you, it's too dangerous. Jacob shook his head.

Dangerous? I scoffed. In case you didn't get the memo, we're werewolves! I rolled my big eyes. Here's the deal...Embry, Seth, Quil, and I don't want to go back to Sam. But you don't want us either. So, we're just going to stay somewhere in the middle for now.

Jacob grumbled, It would be a lot easier if you just did what I told you

Since when have we done things the easy way? I laughed.

It won't be that bad. Sam and I have talked about a lot. There shouldn't be any problems if you just listen to him…

Well, YOUR pack doesn't want to listen to someone else.

I already told you, it's NOT permanent.

The thing is…it kind of is. We're going to die fighting the Volturi. And if I'm going out, I'm sure as hell not going out with Sam as my Alpha. If I'm going to die, I'd rather die with you.

We're all connected. It doesn't matter who's giving the orders because they're all the same anyway.

Now was as good a time as any. I showed Jacob the conversation that Seth, Quil, Embry, and I had just had on the beach. I watched Jake's reaction. He didn't seem angry like I thought he would. It seems as if he was expecting it.

I gotta give him credit. He knows you pretty well. Jacob nodded. Sam assumed you would do this. I just figured you'd get pissed and beat the crap out of me. I guess I owe Sam twenty bucks. I should know better than to bet on you. You're totally unpredictable.

Don't pay up just yet. Our talk isn't over yet, and who's to say I won't still beat you up?

I think I knew on some level that you would react this way. That's why Sam and I talked about your responsibilities. My responsibilities? What the hell did that mean? Jacob continued, Sam and I both agree that you've come a long way. And you have proven to be a good, loyal, and accountable wolf.

Thanks for the commendation. I'll be sure to log that away in my diary of "who the hell cares?"

I'm not the only one impressed by the changes you've made. Sam wants to make you his second in command…if you go back.

Okay, there were three plausible explanations for what I had just heard. The first was that it was actually true. That Sam wanted me by his side as we all volunteered to become food for the army of vampires on the way. The second was that Jacob was messing with me. He was pissed that I'd gone behind his back and led a rebellion. So he was getting back at me by being a creative asshole. Or, the third: I was just bat-shit crazy. My mind was making stuff up.

You got pretty quiet all of a sudden. Jacob sounded worried.

Are you making this up? Because if you are, so help me God, I will teach Nessie how to ream you out in three different languages. I threatened.

Think about it. The conversation that you had with Sam earlier he was trying to tell you something… Jacob forced me to go back to the memory. I had been so angry at the time that I hadn't wanted to listen to a word that Sam was saying. But Jacob was right. Sam didn't want me to leave without knowing what he wanted for our packs. And the whole "spending time together" thing was because if I accepted going back to the Quileutes, we would be seeing each other a lot.

Well, I don't want to be his second. I spit out.

I did take a moment to consider the disaster that it could have become. Sam Uley wanted Leah Clearwater to be his second in command? How drunk had he been when he came up with that idea? I wonder what the rest of his pack thought about that? It would be fun to see the look on the other wolves faces when they heard about it, particularly Jared's scowl when he found out he'd been demoted…

Jake heard that thought and quickly corrected me.

It's not like that. Sam and Jared are tied up with the new wolves. And Sam thinks it would be wise to let Jared handle them while he takes care of the others wolves. It makes sense. You would be running interference...helping Jared when needed. But I think it would mostly be helping Sam coordinate with the others for the attack. It works out really well considering he and I can communicate so easily.

I don't want the job, I snapped.

If it's because of Sam…

Duh! Of course it was because of Sam!

...you should give him a chance. He's changed, too.

He seemed like the same jerk I've always known when I was talking to him this morning.

That's because he's worried about you. He knows how dedicated you are to my pack. He knows that you will fight to the death, if that's what it comes to. I think in his own way he just wants to protect you.

Ha! The boy who ruined my life wanted to protect me? That's rich.

I don't need anyone's protection. I'm a big girl. I can take care of myself.

You're impossible, Leah! I'd heard that all of my life. And I wasn't going to argue that it wasn't true. Because it was.

Just because Sam has you convinced that everything is all "rainbows and butterflies" back home doesn't mean that it's true. I'm not going back to that crappy pack, not even if he asked me to be the damn Alpha!

Fine. Go back with no authority. I don't care.

You know, I was hoping to be able to talk some sense into you. I should have known that you wouldn't listen. I sighed. Once a senseless moron, always a senseless moron.

You're going to do this. I don't care if I have to drag you back kicking and screaming…

Well then, let me roll over and start throwing a tantrum. I plopped down on my side. Normally, I didn't do the whole theatrical bit, but I felt like messing with him tonight. Okay, oh, Great Leader, force me to give a rats ass about what's going on in La Push. Tell me I have to run with Sam's pack because you don't think we can handle being around a few extra thousand vampires… I really didn't know how many leeches were coming.

Jacob paused to think for a moment and then he let out a sigh, I'm not going to force you to do anything. I'm just asking you to do what I think is best. There's more to my idea than you realize…

Well, your idea is stupid.

You're pushing your luck, Leah. Go home.

I smiled. I knew he wouldn't command me. So I just sat down and stared at him.

It's your move, slick. You've got two options here. One is let us stay...on our own terms. Let me take care of the logistics, leaving you free to take care of your goblin child. Or two: Push us back to Sam and lose every friend you ever gave a damn about.

Now, that's not fair, he whimpered a bit.

Just like you said to me earlier today, "Nothing in life is ever fair. Get over it and grow up." I had a hard time not hissing the words at him. I frowned angrily. My mistake, you WON'T grow up. You're going to stay a stupid impulsive seventeen-year-old jerk for the next ten years while you're waiting on your freak girlfriend to catch up to you.

I could feel that had infuriated Jake. Good. After the way he was abandoning his friends, he deserved it.

God, if I were Sam, I would've dumped you, too, Jacob hissed under his breath.

Wow. Huge blow to my gut.

I had expected Jacob to get mad at me. I even expected him to be hateful. But I didn't expect him to use what hurt me the most against me. I was so torn that I couldn't respond. All I wanted to do right now was bang my head against a wall until I knocked myself out. Physical pain doesn't hurt nearly as bad as emotional pain. I would have preferred that he'd just bitten off one of my legs.

Jacob could see how much he'd hurt me.

Crap. I didn't mean it. I'm just pissed…

But it was too late. The words had already been spoken. Instead of attacking him like I should have, I turned around and bolted into the forest. I could feel Jacob's remorse weighing heavily against him. But even though he felt bad, it still didn't make me feel any better.

Jacob couldn't decide whether or not he wanted to follow me. I saw him look back to the house, where Nessie was.

He hesitated as he broke into a run after me.

Wait, Leah…

Fuck off. I finally found my words again. I increased my speed. There was no way he was going to catch me. He had just royally pissed me off. I used my emotions to help me run quicker.

I'm sorry. He sounded like he meant it. But I didn't care.

Why the hell was I risking my life for him? I reminded myself that he was better than Sam. And he knew that I felt that way. He was just using every possible thing he could think of to try and get me to go back to Sam. Well, it wasn't going to work. No matter what he said or did, nothing would make me go back to Sam's pack.

I pushed forward even harder. I felt Jacob letting up. Good. He was giving up and going back to the leeches. He still hadn't commanded me to do anything. So my plan was working. At least...for now.