Once so very long ago

Was when I loved you so

If I had only known

That I was blinded by my fate

I traded love for hate

Now I just sit and wait

Goodbye, don't say goodbye

I'd rather die than say goodbye

"Goodbye"

-The Coral

Chapter 47:

Read my lips: Leave me ALONE!

By the time I got home, I had cooled off. I was still angry at Jacob, but I was no longer fantasizing about ripping his face off.

I noticed Charlie's car was out front. I don't know if my mom knew it yet, but I think he'd pretty much moved in. I guess it wasn't such a bad thing. He and my mom cared about each other a lot. Plus, Charlie would be safe here surrounded by werewolves to protect him from the loads of vampires staying at the Cullen's. As I had been leaving, I picked up on another trail. Four this time. What was with them? The damn things multiplied like bunnies.

I slammed the door behind me. Charlie and Seth were sitting on the sofa laughing at some stupid comedy on TV. I guess Seth was giving up on the "life sucks" thing. I looked closer and saw that Seth had a giant piece of chocolate cake sitting on a plate in his lap. Ah, so mom had coaxed him out of his room with food. I grinned. My mom was so smart.

Before I had even taken two steps, I noticed that something was off. There was a sweet smell filling the air. The scent was unmistakable. It was a scent that I had once loved. But now any time I smelled it I became nauseated.

Sam was here. I tried not to breathe through my nose as I listened closely to the noise in the kitchen. It sounded like Sam and my mother were talking. I swallowed a knot in my throat. If he told her about the Volturi, I was going to kill him.

Seth had picked up on my uneasiness.

"Sam brought some cake by." He held up his plate to show me his half-eaten cake. "Samples for the wedding. There's like thirty different pastries in the kitchen…" Seth must be floating on cloud nine right now. The kid loved his sweets.

I wasn't fooled. Sam hadn't come by just to shove chocolatey goodness down our throats. He had an ulterior motive. Jacob must have called him.

"Would you like to join us, Leah?" Charlie offered for me to come and hang with him and Seth to watch the goofy guy stuff on TV.

So my options were to sit here awkwardly with Charlie and my brother or talk to Sam? Well, those options sucked. God, prisoners on death row had an easier choice to make. Electricity or injection?

"No, thanks." I knew I needed to talk to Sam anyway. He probably figured that by coming to my house, I wouldn't become as violent as I had this morning. Shows how much he knew me. I didn't care if the entire town watched as I kicked the ever-living crap out of him.

I started to drag my feet as I walked towards the kitchen.

My mom smiled at me from the kitchen table. I could see the panicked look on her face as I entered the room.

"Look who dropped by!" She motioned nervously to Sam, who was sitting across from her.

She must still be concerned with what I had shared with her earlier today. In her eyes, I was still incredibly pissed at Sam. I was. But right now Jacob was at the top of my shit list. Saying what he said was completely wrong.

"I hear we're testing cakes…" I smiled through my teeth. I looked around, expecting to see Emily. She wasn't around.

Sam spoke softly, "Emily asked me to bring the samples by." He smiled at my mother. "I think it's the one decision she trusts me with…"

"Oh, I'm sure that's not true." My mom smiled back. "Sweetie, men never get to make the decisions in a marriage…" She joked.

"It's true." I heard Charlie walking up behind me. He placed a plate in the sink to be washed. "Let me tell you the only two phrases you need to be familiar with when you tie the knot." He walked up beside Sam. "'You're right, dear.' and, 'I'll get right on that.'" I saw him wink at my mother. She chuckled. It was good to see her happy again.

I looked at Sam. He was looking back at me with eager eyes. Of course he wanted to talk. It was a nice ploy though...trying to butter my family and me up with sugar. Why else would he be sitting at my kitchen table with three dozen different cakes strewn about mumbling something about them picking a cake for the wedding? It wasn't that big of a decision. Just pick a damn dessert.

He could see that I obviously wasn't going to volunteer to talk to him, so he was the first to suggest it, "Leah, would you like to finish the conversation from earlier?"

No way, asshole, I thought. I sighed, You can do this, I told myself. Just think happy thoughts. I paused. Great, now I sounded like Peter freaking Pan. Wonder how long it would be before I flew away.

I shook my head to try and clear it. I needed to focus. Something that made me happy. Embry. Okay, that was a good start. Well, there really wasn't much else. So, I was going to have to hope that my boyfriend would be enough to keep me from losing my temper and wailing on Sam.

"Let's take a walk." Clearly we couldn't have this conversation here.

"Absolutely." Sam stood up from the kitchen table.

Damn, he didn't have to be so enthusiastic about it.

"Hey, thanks for the cake, Sam." Charlie nodded. "Though I don't know how much help I'll be at helping you decide for the big day. I like them all." He glanced around the kitchen at the samples laying about. He looked like a kid in a candy store.

Sam and I walked towards the back door. I waved to my mom. She gave me a look. A look that clearly stated, Don't hit him again. Just keep punching holes in your wall.

Sam and I walked a few miles away from my house in the most awkward uncomfortable silence ever. But I didn't know exactly what to say, so I was just waiting on him.

Finally, he turned to me.

"First things first, I have a couple of 'I'm sorrys' to get out..."

Was it fifteen years worth? Because that could take a while.

"I didn't mean to frighten you this morning."

I scoffed, "I wasn't frightened." I rolled my eyes. "I was pissed."

"Right. Well, I'm sorry about the bruises on your arm."

"Shit happens." I knew this better than anyone.

"The second apology isn't directly from me." Sam looked down. "I spoke to Jake not too long ago…"

I put my hand up to stop him. I didn't want to hear anymore. Jacob did not get to use him at some crappy attempt at an apology,

"Jacob can go suck Edward's dick for all I care."

Sam continued with the apology anyway, "He didn't tell me what was said, but he did say he was very sorry. He sounds remorseful."

"If he was really sorry, he would be apologizing to me himself instead of sending someone I hate more than him to do it," I snapped. "I can't figure out who's worse. Jacob is an irrational selfish jackass. But on the other hand, he's never physically assaulted me before."

"I deserve that," Sam sighed. "The way I acted this morning was inexcusable. I just lost what I was trying to say and freaked out. I didn't want you to take off without knowing about what Jacob and I had discussed."

"You never thought to just spit out that Jacob was abandoning us instead of beating around the bush and stuttering like an idiot?" I questioned.

"It was something I thought that needed to be handled delicately."

"Unlike my arm?" The bruises might have healed, but I wasn't about to let Sam forget that he had hurt me…yet again.

I saw Sam wince a bit. I felt a little guilty about throwing that in his face. Sam had a tough past when it came to losing his temper around women. He still felt terrible about what happened with Emily.

He got over it relatively quickly and looked back up at me.

"Unlike my jaw," he added, trying to fake a smile. "Who taught you to punch like that?"

"I'm an angry person, Sam. It comes naturally." I shrugged.

"Well it is comforting to know that you can defend yourself…with the battle coming up and all."

I was suddenly reminded of the new kids he was training. How were they coping with everything?

"I hear there are a couple of new kids in your pack." I wasn't going to flat out ask for information. I'm not sure Sam would be willing to share. I was just hoping he'd spill his guts when I asked.

Sam sighed, "They're…very young." He pressed his lips firmly together. "They're confused. And scared."

Dealing with a bunch of neurotic prepubescent wolves. That sounded like hell.

"And with Jared spending such a great deal of time with them, and me splitting my responsibilities, we need all the help we can get trying to stay structured and coordinated." Sam looked at me hopefully.

I answered honestly, "I'm not coming back, so you can stop dropping all the subtle hints."

"I know it would be an adjustment…"

An adjustment? More like alternative freaking universe! I interrupted him, "I already told Jacob...who I am assuming told you…because he has the biggest damn mouth in the world...that I have other plans. And so do the rest of the wolves who have been forgotten about." I referred to the rest of my pack.

"Be logical. How can that work?" Sam questioned.

"Simple. We keep doing what we've been doing for the last three months!" I exclaimed. "We'll just keep patrolling like we've been doing."

"What about communication?" he asked.

He was just determined to see the negative side of things tonight.

"You and Jacob talk to each other all the time. I know how you two love to gossip like teenage schoolgirls." I shrugged. "All we have to do is stay linked to Jake and he can talk to you."

Sam sighed as he started to say something. It looked like he was hesitating, "Didn't…didn't Jake command you to come back?"

"Unlike you, he's let us keep our free-will," I explained.

"I will agree that we do things differently." Sam nodded.

"Yeah, well…I don't care how different things are, none of us want to go back to being under your command." This small business talk stuff was starting to get on my nerves. "Look, we'll do daily check-ins, and run patrols parallel to the border, and we'll work together. But aside from that, I'm not promising anything else."

Sam seemed to take this into consideration as he thought about it for a moment. It's too bad I wasn't going back to his pack, because I would have killed to know what was running through his mind right now.

After a period of silence, Sam seemed willing to give in to my way of thinking.

"I bet Jacob's pretty unhappy with you." He smiled a small smile.

I shrugged. "Well, the feeling is mutual."

"Don't be too hard on him," Sam said softly. "He does have a lot on his mind. It's difficult for him to see anything but Nessie's safety."

"She's got two dozen vampires and two packs of werewolves looking out for her. Trust me, the kid is going to be fine." I was confident that if anyone was going to survive the Volturi coming to town, it was Nessie. Her overprotective parents would make sure that nothing would happen to her.

I had to admit that I hated the mutant spawn for existing, but over the past couple of months, I had grown to tolerate…and possibly even like her. She really was one of a kind. Seeing her through Jake's thoughts was always interesting. At first, I hated feeling the love that Jake had for her, but over time, I had come to find out that she really wasn't so bad. She was kind of a badass in a way. When her overbearing parents tried to protect her from something, she basically ignored what they were telling her to be afraid of and formed her own opinion about things. The little half-breed had no fear. I wondered if she would keep that independent inquisitive personality as she got older…if she got older.

Sam noticed the silence between us. He hadn't come out to my house to sit here in silence.

"Leah, I have to ask you to do something for me…" he said, almost breathlessly. He looked nervous as hell.

"Look, save it. I don't care what you offer me, I've made up my mind about the whole "pack" thing."

"No, it's not about that." Sam shook his head. "I respect the decision you made," he sighed. "I actually hadn't intended to come out here to talk to you about what happened with Jacob today. I was already on my way over when he asked me if I wouldn't mind speaking with you on his behalf."

He hadn't come out here just to try and convince me to rejoin his pack? Then why the hell did he come? After I hit him this morning and told him I would kill him if he tried to follow me, I figured he would have kept his distance from me. I rolled my eyes. He just didn't know how to take "leave me the hell alone" for an answer.

"What do you want, Sam?" I found my impatience growing with him. I did my best to not get irritated. I thought of Embry and I on the beach earlier. It made me smile. Good, I just needed to keep that in my head and maybe I could get through this conversation without killing Sam.

"I came out here because I didn't get a chance to ask you this when you were at the house this morning."

"Just spit it out already."

"When you admitted that you couldn't let me go, I realized that I was holding on to you as well." He looked uncomfortable admitting this. "I love Emily with all of my heart." I tried not to look hurt. It would probably always be painful for me to know that he loved my cousin so much more than he'd loved me. "She's everything to me. I couldn't imagine my life without her."

If I wanted to be childish, I could have said, "If you love her so much, then why don't you marry her?" Then I realized that was stupid because he was marrying her.

"Get on with it…" I gritted my teeth. I kept thinking of all the funny things that had happened today. Mouthing off to Jacob without him knowing, annoying Edward, Embry at the beach, Claire having Quil completely whipped, Seth punching holes in the wall…just like his big sister. Thinking about those things helped me relax.

"I came out here tonight because I'm having a hard time moving on with my life, too. There's something I need you to do in order for both of us to move forward." He took a deep breath. "I'm…asking you to forgive me, Leah."

He had done so many horrible things to me that I wasn't clear as to what he was asking forgiveness for.

"Could you be more specific? You do have a lot of jackass tendencies."

"I need you to forgive me for loving Emily more."

That was like a dagger in my chest. I knew it was true. I had even said it earlier today. But hearing him utter the words caused a severe stabbing jolt to my body. At first, I couldn't respond. I just choked back the tears of sorrow and fury. I would not cry over him anymore.

He wanted me to forgive him for the most unforgivable act he'd ever done? I could taste the bitterness in my mouth. I closed my eyes and controlled my breathing.

"Leah?" Sam asked quietly.

I shook my head and hissed at him to let him know he might want to take a step back in case I exploded into fur.

I tried to understand where he was coming from, to see his point of view. It wasn't working. I bit my bottom lip until I could taste the blood in my mouth and then opened my eyes to look at him.

I managed not to scream at him, though I'm still not sure how.

"I…don't think I can do that, Sam." I didn't sound angry at all. My voice was actually quite dull. There was a heavy tone to it.

Sam silently took in my answer.

"I know it's not easy…" He trailed off, not sure where he was going with his words. "But…I would like your forgiveness."

I managed to continue to keep my cool.

"I can forgive you for a lot of things…but not that. Never that."

"Please?" I couldn't believe he would resort to begging.

"You broke me once, Sam. Please don't do it again." I let him know that he was asking the impossible from me. He opened his mouth to say something else, but I interrupted him, "I think you better leave now."

"But…"

"Just go." Now I was the one begging. I didn't want to see him staring sadly at me anymore. I just wanted him to leave me alone. Why didn't he understand that?

"Alright." Sam turned to leave. "But if there comes a time in your life when you are ready to forgive me, let me know."

Wasn't going to happen, but I nodded my head to acknowledge that I'd heard what he'd just said. I stood completely still as I watched him walk down the road and disappear over a hill.

Once he was out of my sight, I started to tremble. I felt my hands heating up and vibrating furiously. I was enraged. How dare he ask me to make him feel better about himself? Selfish Bastard.

"Shit," I grumbled out as I realized that I was letting my anger win. I heard my clothes shred beneath me. Well, there goes another outfit. I looked at the pieces of my clothes that were left.

I noticed pretty quickly that I was alone. It was nice to be able to bitch to myself once in a while. I decided to run my steam off. I did the best I could to push this evening as far out of my memory as possible. I just tried to push anything related to Sam away.

Unfortunately, I was unsuccessful. I knew that I wasn't going to be able to push Sam out of my life that easily. We still had a lot to do.

After all, there was a battle on the horizon.