Hi guys! Sorry the update took a while, I've been sick for a few days. Anyways, just wanted to take a moment to thank everyone who has added this to their favorites or story alerts. It really means a lot to know people are actually reading this :)
Oh and also special thanks to Arlenne0794 because you keep commenting. And to resolve your confusion really quick, no they did not have sex before chapter 6. They way I see it Brittany was merely suggesting they would have sex in the future when they were talking in the locker rooms the first time. But I'm sorry if that was unclear :)
Sorry, I've bored you long enough now, please read :)
"Wow."
"Yeah."
Santtana is on her back, panting, with Brittany next to her. She's staring up in the ceiling while trying to catch her breath.
"That was..." she starts.
What the hell was it? Freaking great? Hell yes! It was way better than with Puck or any of the other guys. Fucking weird? Definitley. I just had sex with my best friend for christ sake! Gay? Yes? No? Maybe, I don't know!
"It was hot, Santana. Way hot."
Brittany's voice snaps her back to reality. She just has to focus for now on how great it felt. The sensation of Brittany's lips on hers. On her neck. Her stomach. Her fingers. All over her body. That's all she has to focus on. Don't think about the other stuff! Santana orders herself. Not now. Not here. She can't break down right now.
"Yeah. Yeah it was."
Brittany shifts to her side facing Santana and beams down at her.
"Man you're hot, Santana."
Santana doesn't know why, maybe because she's so tense right now she feels like she's gonna break at the lightest touch, but this comment makes her laugh. A lot. She rolls around in the bed still laughing like crazy, hands on her stomach, trying to calm down. When she finally stops she sees Brittany frowning at her a little.
"That wasn't a joke, you know."
"I know", Santana says, suddenly serious and props herself up on her elbow, facing Brittany. She still feels like her entire body is vibrating. She hadn't been that tense during. She had been quite relaxed when they'd actually started to get warmed up. Even though she had no idea what she was doing. It's just now, after, when she's starting to tense up. Even worse than before.
"You're shaking", Brittany says quitley her eyes on Santana's elbow that's sending shakes through the madress. Santana sees the concern in Brittany's eyes. Damn why does she have to be so perceptive?
"I'm fine", she says harshly, bringing the walls up quickly. "Anyways, I have to go now. My mom will be mad at me if I'm not home soon", she says coldly.
It's a bad lie. Santana knows it. Brittany knows it. But Brittany doesn't question it, she just looks at her friends with that same concern. This only make Santana more mad. She doesn't need any damn pity! No one pities her!
"Stop looking at me like that!" she snaps and jumps out of bed. Brittany stays quiet. Santana picks up her clothes from the floor, where they're scattered and quickly dresses, her back to Brittany.
"I don't need your fucking pity just because you seduced me or whatever!" she almost screams, turning around.
Brittany flinches at that. She's still lying on the bed, propped up on her elbow. She opens her mouth to say something, but Santana doesn't let her.
"I just have to go okay? I'll see you in school", she says quitely.
Santana rushes out of the room before she can say something more to hurt Brittany. Deep down she knows it's not Brittany's fault and that she can't be mad at her. But she can't help attacking her. Instead of herself. She rushes down the stairs and gets into her car, driving away as fast as she can.
...
Santana has just managed to hold back her tears on the way home but the second she barges into her room she breaks down crying. Thank god her parents aren't home. Thank god no one can see her like this. She throws herself on the bed, her whole body shaking with sobs. It had been absolutley amazing. One of the best experiences of her life. But it shouldn't have been, should it?
Brittany, who seems to have read her mind over distance or something, chooses this exact moment to text her. Santana picks up her cellphone and stares at the display wiping at the tears in her eyes.
Just sex, Santana. It's not that different than being with a boy. Except for the boobs.
Ps. You're hot
Santana almost smiles a little, in the midst of her panic. Brittany's trying to calm her down. It works for a second, then she feels the next wave of panic hit her and engulfe her again. I shouldn't have done that! God, I shouldn't have done that! Shit! Santana slams her fist into the headboard of her bed.
"Fuck!"
Santana sighs loudly and throws her face down into her pillow. She takes a deep breath and tries to take control again. Fine, she made a mistake. She can move on. Nobody will know. She'll make sure Brittany doesn't tell anyone. It'll be fine. It'll be fine. Santana yawns. It's been a long day and all this crying has made her exhausted. She glances at the clock next to her bed. 11 pm. She closes her eyes but it's a long time before she finally drifts off to sleep.
...
Santana's strongly considering not going to school today. She could hardly stand being around Brittany before, how the hell is she supposed to be around her now, when they had sex last night? Santana shudders at the thought of last night. And it's not an unpleasant shudder. A picture of Brittany in her red lacy underwear flashes before her waking eyes for a second. Damn! What the fuck am I gonna do?
Once again it's as if Brittany has read Santana's mind as her phone starts buzzing at this exact moment. This time she's calling. Santana sighs and takes a deep calming breath before answering.
"What?" she growls into the phone.
"Hi Santana!"
Brittany is her usual peppy self, even in the mornings. Santana has to bite back an insult. She can't yell at Brittany, this isn't her fault.
"Are you picking me up today?"
Santana hesitates.
"San?"
The tears are bubbling up in her just hearing Brittany's voice. Fuck! Santana quickly hangs up, than swear at herself for doing something that'll hurt Brittany again. Why does it have to be so fucking hard? She's practically vice queen of the school, she should have it easy! Instead the last week has been a complete fucking mess! Yeah, she's definitley not going to school today. Santana turns around in her bed, drifting off to sleep again, tears still running down her cheeks. She doesn't even try to stop it this time.
...
A faint tapping wakes her up. She can't have been asleep for long as it's still light in her room.
"Hi Santana", she hears Brittany's voice, followed by the thump as Brittany jumps down from her windowsill, landing on the floor. Oh no!
"Go away, Britt", Santana sobs into her pillow. She doesn't trust herself to look at Brittany right now but buries her face deeper in it. She seems to be spending a lot of her time in the pillow these days. Gotta stop doing that!
"But you don't want me too", Brittany says like it's the most obvious thing ever. Her calm demeanor only pisses Santana off more.
"Ofcourse I want you to go away, why do you think I'm yelling at you to go away!" she shouts into her pillow.
"No, you don't. You want to want me to go away, but you don't really want me to go away", Brittany says in the same sure and yet dim-witted tone. Santana has to think about what her friend has said for a second before she gets it. And Brittany's right. Of course she's right. Santana doesn't want Brittany to go away. She wants her to crawl into bed with her and kiss her up and down her entire body. But she doesn't want to want this.
"Please, Britt", Santana pleads. She's so tired of being mad at Brittany, but she can't do this. Instead of hearing Brittany leaving though, she feels the bed dip and Brittany sliding in next to her. She lays down on her stomach next to Santana and puts one arm on her tan back.
"It's okay, San."
Santana flips around facing her friend, meaning to shout something along the lines of 'It's not okay!' but Brittany's lips are on hers before she can get the words out. She kisses the latina calmly for a few seconds before pulling back, but leaving her hand on Santana's stomach.
"I told you, Santana. And you told me too. It's just sex. It is okay."
Santana stares into the deep blue eyes of her best friends. Her voice is steady, and her gaze sure. Brittany stares back, waiting. Everything Santana decided she would do before she went to sleep, tell Brittany it was a one-time thing, never speak of it again, bury it, falters as she stares into those blue eyes. And she knows she has to. No matter how complicated it might be, no matter how much pain it might cause her, she has to have Brittany. She knows it can never be more than this secret thing, an occasional hook-up perhaps, but she knows she has to have at least that.
She doesn't know how to say it though, so instead she just leans up to Brittany and kisses her.
...
There are still some nights when she just has to get out afterwards, when everything gets too real. But for the most time she's managed to convince herself that it's okay now. That it's just sex, not a big deal. Sex with a girl, sex with a boy, what's the difference? And this works for her. They're friends. Who have sex. It's okay, Santana really believes it's okay. Little does she know, this will all change sometime in the not so distant future.
The End