Up all night long

And there's something very wrong

And I know it must be late

Been gone since yesterday

I'm not like you guys

I'm not like you

"Aliens Exist"

-Blink 182

Chapter 51:

Excuse me while I laugh my ass off

When Seth and I got home mom and Charlie were anxiously awaiting our return. They wanted to know that the boys were okay. We assured them everything was fine and that no one had been hurt. Well, almost no one. I had completely forgotten about the little scrape on my arm. My mom noticed it. Fortunately, it didn't look gruesome, so she just told me to be more careful. It's a good thing I didn't tell her I'd gotten it while protecting the vampires. She might have died from shock.

Billy was at the house, too. He had been with Sam when Nicolas and Seth explained what was going on. As soon as Sam left Billy made his way to our place to wait and worry with my mom and Charlie.

Of course, he asked me how I'd ended up with the scar on my arm.

"Where'd you get that cut?"

I had to be a smartass.

"From something sharp."

Charlie spent the rest of the night planning a fishing trip with Seth and Billy that they went on the very next morning. The boys were planning on spending most of the day out. My mom decided to go on some kind of cleaning binge, so I spent most of my day with Embry. That is, until his mom kicked me out of the house when she caught us kissing on her couch.

"Four months," Embry sighed as we walked out to his front porch. He shook his head. "Then I'll be eighteen and I won't have to take crap from her anymore."

"I don't know," I chuckled. "Something tells me that you two will be living together for quite some time. She doesn't seem like she'll ever let you go."

"I love her. She's my mom. But believe me, as soon as she's old enough I'm going to sign her up at the first nursing home I can find."

"She'll probably just get kicked out." I warned him. I laughed. I could picture his mother throwing mashed potatoes at another resident and screaming at the orderlies that the other bitch stole her fruitcup.

"Yeah. You're probably right," Embry nodded. The one thing that our mother's shared in common was the fact that they were both very independent women with fiery tempers.

"She's just looking out for you." I assured him that his mother wasn't acting so crazy just to punish him.

"I know. But it's still annoying."

"It was about time for me to go anyway."

"You going to help your mom clean?" Embry looked surprised.

I let out a laugh and shook my head.

"God, no. I'd rather cut off my own head than smell bleach for three hours."

The smell of bleach had always bothered me. I needed to come up with something else to do to avoid getting sucked into my mother's cleaning frenzy.

"I'm going to run out to the Cullen's place to make sure the vampires haven't killed Jacob."

I hadn't seen Jacob since the night I'd gone out to tell him about the fact that his pack was rebelling against him. He still called my place pretty often to get me to talk to him. I usually told him to shove some kind of object into his ass and hung up on him. Sam still spoke with him from time to time, but I wanted to see for myself that he was still alive. Plus, we needed to talk. He needed to know what was going on here, and I wanted to know what was going on there.

"Be careful," Embry nodded. "And don't have too much fun without me." He looked around. "If I can sneak out I'll join you later," he said quietly.

"Look who's becoming all rebellious now," I laughed. "I truly am a bad influence on you."

Embry gave me a quick kiss goodbye and then slipped back into his house. I could see that he was already plotting an escape. He could be such a little devil. It was actually kind of hot in a way. Me and that damn bad boy attraction.

Once I was far enough out of the watchful eye of Embry's mother, who I know was staring at me through the window, I phased and headed out to see what Jake was up to. I was still kind of pissed at him, but I knew we would eventually make up.

When I got to the mansion I noticed Bella and Edward outside. They were talking about teaching Bella how to fight. It looks like I had come at the best possible time. Watching Bella getting her ass kicked was going to be fun. I guess violence wasn't always a bad thing.

Come on. Beat the hell out of each other. I plopped down, ready to be entertained.

"Great. We have an audience," Edward mumbled under his breath.

"Good. Maybe it will encourage me to fight better." Bella was enthusiastic.

If that's the case, I'll leave. I don't want to interfere with you getting a beating. I knew Bella couldn't hear me, but I still got satisfaction in saying these kinds of things to her.

"I'm not sure about this," Edward said hesitantly.

Hey, a little domestic violence never hurt anyone, I chuckled.

"Come on, Edward, you promised," Bella pouted.

Aw, come on Dead-head Ed, put your woman in her place. I snorted at the possibility that Edward could ever tell Bella what to do.

"Are you sure you're ready?" Edward questioned.

"Bring it on," Bella smirked smugly.

"We'll start with offense…" Edward raced around, trying to find a vulnerability in which to attack his wife.

Sheesh, this was just too weird.

I watched as Bella ran after Edward, trying to catch him. But Edward did a 180 and threw her into a corner. Round one went to the mindfreak.

Edward immediately leaped up. Devastation flew across his face. Bella looked at him with the same perplexed look that I had. He was worried about hurting her? Did he even know that she was virtually indestructible now?

Pansy. I rolled my eyes.

"Edward, what is it? What's wrong?" Bella whined.

"I'm so sorry, Bella." He wrapped his arms around her tenderly.

This was how he was going to teach her how to fight against the Volturi? Yeah, that would be so helpful. "Smack. Die you stupid vampire asshole…oh wait, I'm so sorry. Let's cuddle…" REALLY?

Bella assured Edward that she was okay. He didn't seem convinced. Well, if he wanted I didn't mind giving Bella a few fighting lessons.

Edward snorted a growl in my direction. I just ignored him. He turned back to Bella.

"I can't…"

Of course he couldn't. Edward Cullen was bred to be a pussy from the day he was born. Apparently, girls found this doting overprotective behavior attractive. In my opinion, a girl should know how to defend herself. The least her lover could do was teach her how to throw a punch.

Edward did his whole "mopey" stare at the ground thing while Bella begged him to teach her. She crouched down and leaped forward, and he made no effort to defend himself against her attack. She playfully bit his neck. I stuck my tongue out in disgust. Great, now I was watching Bella give her husband a hickey. Now, instead of learning how to attack the Volturi she was learning how to suck face with them.

"I win," Bella said, satisfied.

Only because he had let her win. Seriously? This is the kind of guy that women found attractive? Why? What's so hot about a whiny loving little wimp?

"Edward, what's wrong?" Bella questioned.

Well, for one thing he was a complete and utter douche trapped in a marriage to a whiny moron.

Edward mumbled on about the fact that he wasn't the only vampire that knew how to fight. He suggested that Bella ask someone else for help. He moaned and groaned about how he couldn't bear to hurt her. Psh, I could. Please, oh please, let me hurt her!

"It makes it all too real for me," Edward sighed.

Um, hello? It was real. The Volturi were coming. We were going to have to fight. And he wouldn't even throw a few measly punches at Bella? Not even if it would save her life?

I watched with a yawn as Bella threw a fit.

Ha. Immature. I rolled my eyes.

Edward just stared at her and told her to find another teacher. I had already offered. I was more than willing to fight with his stupid wife.

I got bored of seeing the same argument after a while, so I ran a few laps around the perimeter, hoping that maybe Jacob would phase so I could tell him that I forgave his sorry ass. He never did, but by the time I had lapped the area four times I caught his scent. He had Nessie with him.

When I got back to the mansion I noticed that it was no longer just Edward and Bella outside. Jacob had joined them. Nessie was safely in his arms. And there was a big group of vampires crowding around Bella, who was getting fighting lessons from Emmett. Finally, Bella was going to get the crap kicked out of her by someone who wasn't afraid to damage her fragile vampire body.

I laughed when I heard Emmett taunting Bella. Oh, this could be fun. I found a nice little spot where I could see the action.

"Don't hold anything back," Bella warned Emmett.

The grin on his face said it better than the actual words themselves. "Oh, I won't."

I watched as Bella tried to sneak up on Emmett. He quickly threw a kick into her gut. I snickered to myself. Bella reacted by throwing her arms out and trying to grab him. Emmett grabbed both of her hands and twirled around behind her, locking her in his grasp. Bella let out an irritated hiss.

I had decided that Emmett was my favorite Cullen now. Anyone who kicked Bella's butt couldn't be that bad.

"And that is how you win a battle." Emmett threw Bella on to the ground. He looked like he was going to do a touchdown dance or something.

"The only thing I learned from that was that you're still pissed that I can kick your ass at arm-wrestling," Bella spit at Emmett as she stood up.

Emmett just shrugged, "Aw, don't be sad. Not all vampires know how to fight. Some are just clumsy no matter what…"

"Emmett…" Edward rumbled under his breath.

"Hey, she's the one who asked for my help." Emmett still had a grin on his face. "Maybe if you two got a little creative in the bedroom she would know a few moves."

I wasn't the only one shocked.

Oh! Wow!

Emmett was by far the coolest vampire I had ever met. I laughed hysterically while Bella and Edward just grumbled hateful phrases at him.

"Dude, I don't see what the big deal is. She wants you to teach her how to fight," Emmett frowned. "So, she's a girl, so what? Throw a little creativity at her," he shrugged. "It's what Rose and I do…"

"Emmett, enough…" Rosalie snapped at her husband.

"Sorry, babe. You wanna take over from here?" he questioned curiously.

To my surprise, Rosalie actually wanted to help Bella learn how to fight. Well, either that, or she was going to get out some of her unresolved hostility towards the girl. They hadn't always gotten along.

"Okay, Bella. I'm going to attack you…" Well, that was no fun. Now that Bella knew what to expect, I wouldn't be able to watch the blonde kick her ass, "Just defend yourself, okay?"

Rosalie raced forward with speed that would have been invisible to the human eye. How fortunate for me that I wasn't human.

As Rosalie reached where Bella was standing, Bella lunged forward instinctively to protect herself. When she did Rosalie side-stepped her attack and grabbed her by the throat. Her teeth were at Bella's neck in an instant.

I heard Edward growl disapprovingly, while Emmett took the more guy approach.

"Dude, my wife can kill your wife," he chuckled. He frowned when Edward didn't respond. "Oh, come on. At least take comfort in the fact that this is totally hot…" Emmett admitted that watching Rosalie and Bella fight was making him…happy in one way or another.

"Grow up, Emmett," Edward frowned.

Rosalie released Bella and then looked at her.

"Now, what was your first mistake?"

To my surprise Rosalie actually asked a follow-up question. I guess she really did want Bella to learn.

"Um, letting you get to my throat?" Bella guessed.

Rosalie nodded, "Always protect your weakest area. If someone can get to your throat, it's all over. Focus more on keeping yourself safe, then worry about what your next move should be." She backed away. "Ready to try again?"

"Absolutely." Bella seemed enthralled.

Rosalie raced towards Bella again. I frowned. I had always envisioned that Blondie would one day beat the crap out Bella, but now that it was happening…for the wrong reasons, I was little disappointed.

Bella spun away from Rosalie and was able to avoid her attack. Even more surprising is the fact that she was able to gain the upper-hand as she crouched forward on the unsuspecting Rosalie.

I saw Edward grin smugly at Emmett. He didn't say anything. Of course, he didn't have to. His face just screamed, "Whose wife is winning now?"

"Very good." Rosalie was impressed. "But how do you think you would do with multiple people attacking?" She waved for Tanya to join them.

Oh, yay! More people to beat on Bella! I'm glad I had come out here tonight. I watched as Tanya and Rosalie tag-teamed Bella. Bella did surprisingly well, to my dismay. Even Eleazar took a turn at teaching her. So, he wasn't exactly like Edward. At least he wasn't afraid to get down and dirty.

Then one of the vampire's I hadn't seen before taught Bella a few interesting techniques. He seemed very curious for a vampire. Garrett was like a child in the fact that he was eager and not afraid of anything. It seemed as if his attitude were "bring it on." He looked like he liked to challenge himself. He was very patient when training with Bella.

Bella seemed more confident after her lessons. "Emmett, I'd like to try my hand at fighting you again."

"It's your funeral," Emmett laughed.

I watched as Bella and Emmett tussled again. To my surprise, they were fairly matched, but in the end Emmett still won. I think he might have thrown a tantrum if he had lost…especially to a girl.

I saw Jacob flinch when a vampire named Zafrina stepped forward and offered to help. She spoke in a deeper voice than the rest of the vampires. And she looked like she had just crawled out of a bad 80's rock video with the crazy clothes she was wearing. She was eccentric to say the least. I took an automatic step back. She made me a little nervous to be here.

"I don't want to frighten you…" Zafrina told Bella.

Too late, I laughed callously.

Bella's face displayed a fear that would have been readable to anyone within a mile of here. I watched as Zafrina did some freaky mind mojo, making Bella apparently see things that weren't there. So, she was like a giant hallucinogen? I bet every drug dealer in the world would kill to have the kind of power she had. Me, I shuddered at the thought. There had been one time I hadn't sleep for weeks and I started to see things that weren't there. I vividly remember a green talking skeleton head coming towards me as I laid in my bed. The funny thing is, I wasn't afraid of it. I just covered my eyes with my blanket to make it go away because it wouldn't stop yammering on about some movie I'd never seen. It was really annoying.

Turns out it was Seth. He'd been having trouble sleeping too, and decided to keep me company. Insomnia and sibling bonding just don't mix.

Nessie watched Zafrina curiously from Jacob's arms. At one point, she asked to be put down so she could go see what Zafrina was showing her mother. It amazed me that Nessie had no fear. How could a kid like her be related to two such moronic vampires?

It was about the time that Bella's training had finished that Jacob looked over and noticed that I was watching from the trees. He looked genuinely surprised to see me. I guess he was so preoccupied by being surrounded by so many vampires that he hadn't sensed me.

Some werewolf you are.

Everyone else had sensed me here. But not my genius of a leader…

Jacob handed Nessie to Zafrina and walked towards me.

I wish I could have read the expression on his face to know what he was thinking. Well, I was about to find out if he was angry at my behavior.

I had spent most of this evening wanting to fight Bella. But I might just have to settle for fighting with Jacob.