Vampires roasting on an open fire

The nasty scent fills up your nose

Giant flames created by a pyre

Gathering around your burning foes

Everybody knows vampires reap what they really sow

Help me make this holiday bright

Slaying vampires, with their red eyes all aglow

Will help me sleep so good tonight

They know that wolves are on their way

They're loaded with lots of ammo for the vamps to pay

And every werewolf is gonna spy

To make sure the leeches really are going to die

-"The Christmas Song Parody"

-Me!

Chapter 54:

Merry Fucking Christmas

The next couple of days I tried to figure out a way to get out of going to Charlie's for Christmas. When the morning did finally arrive, I still didn't have a plan. I tried the whole "locking myself in my room" approach. My mom wasn't going to let me get away with that.

"Come on, Leah, let's get moving!" My mother pounded on my door.

I grumbled. I didn't want to spend Christmas Day with a bunch of people I couldn't stand. This was not going to be fun for me.

"Uh, I don't feel well." I lied.

"You've spent three days trying to come up with an excuse and you couldn't do any better than that?" She opened my bedroom door. "You're a werewolf, dear. Werewolves don't get the sniffles."

I glanced at her. It would be harder to lie to her face.

"Werewolves can get sick…" I shrugged.

"Let's go." She grabbed me and pulled me out of my room. She shook her head and sighed, "Have you no Christmas spirit?"

"Christmas spirit?" I muttered something to her about me having Christmas spirit bleeding out the wazoo. I shrugged as I walked out the front door. Seth was on the front porch talking to Embry and Quil. They were riding out with us to Charlie's. The more, the freaking merrier. Although, it would be nice to have Embry by my side.

Seth, Embry, Quil, and I crammed into my mother's car. I spent the entire ride out to Charlie's sitting in silence.

Charlie greeted us excitedly, "Merry Christmas!"

He was a little over-excited. He was always so happy when he knew that Bella was coming for a visit. I couldn't understand why. If it were me, I would be happy when Bella didn't visit.

"Merry Christmas to you, too." My mom kissed Charlie. "Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a spread to prepare."

"Oh, Emily and Sam are already here. Emily's cleaning up the kitchen." He looked at his feet, as if he were ashamed. "She scolded me for having so many expired foods."

My mom laughed. She disappeared into the kitchen. She and Emily were going to be in charge of lunch. Mom had originally tried to make me her little kitchen buddy, but I told her I didn't want the job. She didn't seem too disappointed. I guess she kind of wanted Emily's help anyway. At first, it made me feel crappy. Emily was the girl that Sam had always dreamed of, and now she was the daughter that my mother didn't have. But I got over it.

I tried not to laugh when I entered the house. I was unsuccessful.

"Oh my God. It looks like Christmas threw up in here." I looked at Charlie's badly decorated tree. It looked like a two-year-old had tried to trim the tree.

"Yeah, it's not so much fun without Bella around anymore," Charlie admitted. Well, the guy knew how to make me feel bad for him.

My mom peeked her head around the corner.

"Why don't you help him finish decorating the tree, Leah?"

I didn't feel that bad for him.

"No. I was just kidding. I think it looks fine." Lie. Lie like you've never lied before! My thoughts screamed at me.

I saw Sam walk out of the kitchen with a smile on his face. "I'll put a few more ornaments on it." He volunteered.

I glared at him. Oh, sure, make me look like a bitch.

"Hey, you guys wanna see what Edward, Bella, and Nessie got me?" Charlie's eyes lit up.

I'd rather jab myself with a barbeque fork. But instead of continuing to be a complete ass, I figured I would let Charlie have a nice holiday.

"Sure."

We followed Charlie into his living room. He explained that Jacob, Bella, Edward, and Nessie should be here any minute. His gift had arrived last night.

"Wow, that's so cool!" Seth exclaimed as Charlie proudly displayed his new sonar fishing system.

"Yeah, it uses sound waves to detect the fish under the water. I can't wait to try this bad boy out."

"Billy is going to be so jealous." Quil chuckled.

It really was the perfect present for him. It's too bad that I had treated the Cullens like crap. They were loaded with money. I bet birthdays and holidays with them were always nice. Even so, I don't think I would feel right accepting gifts from vampires.

I heard a car pull into the driveway up front. So they hadn't come on foot? That was interesting. I composed myself as I got ready to be stuck in a room with two and a half vampires…and their pet dog.

The pet dog was the first one through the door. Jacob looked oddly happy to be here.

"Ho, ho, ho, everyone!"

"Starting on the eggnog a little early, aren't we?" I teased him. The smile faded from my face when Edward and Bella entered the room behind him. Bella had Nessie cradled in her arms, as always.

"Dad…" Bella smiled at her father. She looked troubled. If she didn't want her father asking questions, she was going to have to get a little better at her acting. If her dad hadn't been standing right there, I would have offered a suggestion, Pretend like there's nothing on your mind. That should be easy for an empty-headed person such as yourself.

Jacob walked over and started to chat with Sam. I guess they had a few things to discuss. I kept my eyes on the vampires in the room. I saw Embry and Quil tense up. Seth looked completely at ease. He was such a little freak.

Edward smiled politely at Bella's dad.

"Is the gift okay?" He glanced at the fishing equipment. What a stupid question. He was asking a fisherman if he liked something that was going to help him get better at his hobby. Besides, he could probably tell from Charlie's thoughts how ecstatic he was about the damn thing.

"Bells sure knows me." He nodded at Bella approvingly. Bella looked around the room nervously. I laughed. I guessed that Bella hadn't picked the gift out. She'd probably forgotten about him, like she always did. Edward glanced at me.

Chill out, Turdward. Coming up with clever nicknames for Edward had become sort of a fun hobby of mine. I'm not going to say anything. I paused. Consider it my Christmas gift to you. Edward rolled his eyes and turned his attention back to Charlie.

"Let me see my Grandbaby." Charlie held his arms out for Bella to give him Nessie.

Nessie grabbed Charlie's arm with her tiny hands and cooed. She was a natural at acting like a normal kid when she was around him. Sometimes she had me fooled. There were times that I forgot she was a demon spawn.

I looked closely and saw that there was a handmade bracelet around Nessie's tiny little wrist. It was definitely from Jacob. Wow, how had he gotten away with giving her that without her mom and dad ripping him to shreds?

"I swear you've doubled in size since I saw you last week." Charlie shook his head. "What are you feeding this kid, anyway?"

Blood. I shrugged in thought. I saw Edward's lip twitch in annoyance. I just ignored his frustration and started singing my own take of "Grandma got run over by a reindeer" in thought,

A reindeer got run over here by Nessie…walking home across the Cullen's laaaand…how was that deer to know that she would eat him, when after all, babies her age can't even staaand.

"She's getting so big." Charlie looked at Bella and Edward.

"She grows every day." Edward smiled at his daughter.

You like Christmas songs, Edward? Because I've got a lot of Christmas songs memorized. I grinned. All I want for Christmas is to kill some vamps. Smack them over the head with a Christmas lamp. Gee, if I could only kill a damn bloodsucker, then I could wish you Merry Christmas. I laughed as I walked over to where Sam and Jacob were chatting. Embry, Seth, and Quil followed.

"Why didn't Billy come?" Sam questioned.

I had been wondering that myself. I was too chicken to ask my mother. She and Billy went from being friends one day to squabbling infants the next. He hadn't been around much lately.

"He's not feeling well." I knew Jacob was lying. I had just tried to use that excuse an hour ago.

"Seriously?" I glowered at him.

"Something about allergies, and how being around vampires gives him hives…" Jacob admitted.

"But it's Christmas." Seth was surprised that Billy wouldn't want to be with his son on Christmas Day.

"We did the whole 'Christmas' thing last night. Rebecca called and then my dad, Rachel, and I did our little gift exchanges and everything." He suddenly grinned. "My favorite gift is the one that I got Paul."

"You got Paul a gift?" Embry asked, surprised.

"Four punches to the gut, three broken fingers, and two flattened toes." Jacob smirked.

I couldn't help but add, "And partridge in a pear tree." After all, I was in a caroling mood.

"Did you break his nose again?" Quil questioned.

"Nah. My dad told us to knock it off before I got that far." Jacob frowned. "And Rachel threatened to kill me if I messed up his beautiful face…" He rolled his eyes. "When your older sister threatens you, you listen."

"No kidding." Seth glanced at me.

"It's good that you have a fear of me. It's healthy." I laughed.

"Yeah, right," Seth mumbled.

"So, Sam, the new kids are doing okay?" Jacob questioned.

"Yeah, actually they're starting to get geared up for it." Sam nodded. "How's everything going with the Cullens? Bella mastered her gift yet?"

Psh. Gift. I rolled my eyes. More like "useless ability given to the world's dumbest vampire."

"I don't know what everyone's so worried about," Embry said quietly. I think he was mindfully trying not to say anything too loud so Charlie or my mother wouldn't overhear. "We've done it before. Remember the newborns?"

"You know it's different than that," Quil said. "Though we'll still get to kick some ass."

Seth surprised me with his eagerness.

"Yeah, and this time I'll actually be where the action is instead of watching Edward and Bella make out."

"Nice. Thanks for that image, Seth." I frowned.

I saw Sam drift off in thought for a moment. "It's going to be tough. But I think we're gonna pull it off."

"Hell yeah we are," Jacob agreed.

It was weird to see Jacob and Sam getting along.

"Lunch is ready." Emily walked into the living room and waved us all to come into the kitchen.

Everyone in the room raced towards the kitchen. Well, everyone but Edward and Bella. Why should they rush to eat something that wasn't red and oozing out of the neck of some animal?

The boys inhaled the food that my mother prepared. I don't think they even chewed.

"Did you even taste that?" I asked my brother.

He just grinned at me and ate another piece of ham.

After I finished eating, I glared across the table at Edward. He was looking lovingly at Bella while chatting with Charlie. He glanced at me and I broke into another song.

Vamps are coming, are you listenin? In the sun, their skin is glistenin. A horrible sight, we're doin some killin tonight. Running in a bloody wonderland…

I saw Edward flinch, but he didn't say anything. So I continued with more torture.

Dashing through the snow with a kid strapped to her back...watching Bella hunt makes me want to yak…

"So, Charlie, how are things going at work?" He tried to create small talk so he could drown me out. I smirked at him. It was no use. I was going to do this all day.

"It's been fairly slow recently. I guess the cold weather is keeping all the criminals indoors." Charlie smiled.

Deck the halls with blood for Nessie, fa la la la la la la la. Killing deer is awful messy. Fa la la la la la la la la. I spent the rest of my lunch singing the most obnoxious Christmas songs I could think of in my head to bug the hell out of Edward. I swear I saw his topaz eyes twitching in irritation.

After lunch, it was time to exchange gifts. I sat around uncomfortably as I watched everyone "ohh and ahh" over their gifts. My mom got Seth and I both a small MP3 player for us to put music on to. Great, she'd finally saved up enough money to get us something useful, and I might not be around to use it after next week. I still wasn't convinced that Alice had seen a fight. But the Volturi were coming, so something was bound to happen.

Seth and I had found some time to pose and get an updated portrait of us, so my mother could have a recent photograph without one of us making goofy faces or hitting each other in the head. She looked at it, especially the home-crafted frame that I had Emily help me make. We had also gotten her some new pots and pans for her kitchen. The old ones were getting pretty worn down.

Charlie had bought Edward and Bella three plane tickets to Florida so Bella could go and visit her mother to take Nessie to meet her. I think he had borrowed the idea from something Edward's family had done once for Bella's birthday. I laughed my ass off. Two vampires and their love child going to one of the sunniest states in the US. That was just incredibly hilarious to me.

"Thanks, dad." Bella faked a smile. She looked at Edward like, Help me!

Edward immediately rescued his stupid damsel in distress.

"This is very kind of you, Charlie." He paused and glanced at the tickets. "Oh, it says here they have to be used before March 10th. I believe that might interfere with Bella's plan to visit colleges starting at the beginning of next year."

The entire house went silent. I knew Edward was lying through his teeth, but I was impressed that he would come up with something that good.

"You're looking at colleges again, Bella?" Charlie smiled at his daughter.

I saw Bella glare at Edward. Her face said it all. I said help me, not make things worse.

"It's a possibility." Bella lied perfectly. I guess she'd had a lot of practice lying to her father through the years. "I'm sure we can work something out. Maybe we can call the airline and explain the situation. I'm sure they'll give you a full refund." She babbled nervously. She immediately tried to change the subject. "Hey, I wonder if there's anything Christmasy on." She grabbed the TV remote and started flipping through the channels. "I'm sure Nessie is getting bored of all this 'adult' talk."

As they tried to find something to watch, I took a moment to annoy my new best friend.

Nessie, the red-faced mutant had a very douchey dad. And if you ever saw him, he would really make you sad…

I think I heard Edward growl at me, which only made me laugh.

"What do you think, Ness? Charlie Brown or Rudolph?" Charlie questioned. He didn't seem overly concerned with the tickets right now.

"There's supposed to be this really awesome movie on the Science-Fiction channel," Seth piped in.

"Oh, does it have singing snowmen and a reindeer whose nose glows?" Charlie asked as he played with Nessie.

"No, but it has an alien Santa who eats people and an evil elf that looks like a gremlin." Seth grinned.

I smiled. Well, that sounded festive. And it sounded like something right up the little demon-child's alley.

Bella settled on the first Christmas show she could find. After a few minutes, Nessie was staring stupidly at the TV like any infant without a brain.

"Aw…" Charlie watched his Granddaughter staring at the snowman with the funny hat, "...I used to watch this with you every year, Bells." He sniffled a little.

I couldn't help but notice the tears in his eyes.

"Are you…crying?"

Charlie cleared his throat and shook his head.

"Of course not. I've just…got something in my eye…both of them, and my nose is…running because of allergies."

Charlie put his arm lovingly around Bella's shoulder. It was at that point that I started to wish we had been watching the movie about the evil Santa.

"I'm with Seth. Let's watch evil elves set fire to the community."

It wasn't long after Frosty ended that Bella announced that they needed to be going. It was a good thing, too. It was starting to get too tense in the house. Charlie was the only one sad to see the vampires go. The rest of us had to keep from doing a happy little jig right there in Charlie's living room.

"Thanks for the lunch, Sue. It was awesome." Jacob waved as they walked out the door.

"You're welcome," my mom said with a smile. "And hey, don't be such a stranger to La Push." I guess she felt compelled to get Billy's son to come back home.

"You're hospitality, as always, is greatly appreciated, Charlie." Edward smiled at Charlie. He glanced to my mother. "And thank you so much for preparing the meal, Sue."

My mom just gave him an odd look. She knew vampires didn't eat human food. If I were her, I would have told him that I was sorry that the food wasn't rare enough for them.

"Later." I waved as they were leaving. Edward glared at me. I had really pushed him over the edge with my songs today. As he was leaving, I couldn't help but sing one more Christmas song just for him.

Up on the housetop, click, click, click. Edward fell down and broke his dick. Cracked his nuts on a two-by-four, that's why Eddie can't cum no more. He couldn't get out the front door fast enough.

A few minutes later, they were gone, and the rest of us relaxed. Quil, Sam, and Emily left not long after them. Quil was going with Sam and Emily to see Claire and her mother. He was so excited about the new little tea-set that he bought her. I teased him and called him Princess Quillo-pad. We waved goodbye to them and the house gained a bit more room to actually move around in.

Seth and Charlie were talking about the new fishing thing that Edward had picked out for him. Even if Bella hadn't had that nervous glint in her eyes when Charlie assumed she'd picked it out, I still would have had a hard time believing that anyone other than Edward got this gift for Charlie. It was definitely a gift to a guy from a guy. Girls usually got guys things like neckties and socks. Because we don't know what the hell else to buy them!

"I'm going outside for a few minutes." Embry stood up. "I could use some fresh air. Would anyone else like to come?" I think the question was directed mainly at me. Seth opened his mouth like he was going to respond, but he shut it pretty quickly after I glared at him.

I stood up silently and followed Embry out. He smiled at me and took my hand.

"Having a good holiday?" he asked.

"Now that the leeches are gone." I smiled. "How about you?"

"Can't complain." He made me laugh. He never complained. "So your mom got you an MP3 player. That's cool." He smiled. "Mine got me socks and underwear." He frowned a little. "She gets the same thing for me every year. I guess she's afraid that I'm going to run around without my pants one day and she wants to make sure I'll at least be wearing something." I thought about how hilarious that was. Being werewolves, we were constantly running around without clothes.

"Hey, it's better than getting a bra from your dad when you're thirteen." I chuckled.

"That would have been weird. I don't wear bras. They're too constricting." He joked. "Plus, I don't really have a dad."

"You've got a dad, Embry." I frowned at him. He sighed. I didn't like to see him take this so hard. It never used to bother me before we started dating. In fact, I had been quite ugly to him about it when we were a part of Sam's pack. He forgave me, of course, but it still made me feel crappy.

"Yeah, well, unless I feel like paying a visit to Jerry Springer, I'll probably never know who it is," he sighed. I had always had my suspicions about who Embry's father was. I know he probably knew somewhere in his heart who had knocked his mom up, but he never said anything about it.

"That would be quite a show." I grinned. "I could beat up Bella and call her a trailer-trash, home-wrecking whore." Of course, I didn't have to go on Jerry Springer for that.

Embry laughed. "You're so good at that."

"At what?"

"Making horribly inappropriate comments to make me laugh." He reached into his pocket and fished around for something. "I got you a little something for the holidays…" He pulled out a small box that was wrapped in snowmen wrapping paper.

"Oh, that reminds me, I left your present at my place." I glanced at the small delicately wrapped box. "I only had enough to get you a few CD's. I've overheard you singing Bette Midler a few times. I haven't had a chance to tease you properly about that, by the way." I chuckled as Embry just shrugged. "So I got her greatest hits. And I also got you Sammy Davis Jr and Ella Fitzgerald." Embry's taste in music had always surprised me. He listened to a lot of soft, jazzy things. Maybe that was the reason that he had such a cool, happy attitude.

"That's awesome." Embry nodded. He glanced down at the box in my hands. I could tell he wanted me to open it.

I ripped the paper off with one motion and flipped the lid of the box. I took a moment to peer at the small woven piece of jewelry sitting inside. As I looked closer at it, I realized that it looked exactly like the bracelet that Nessie had been wearing. But this was so much smaller. It was probably the size of a penny.

"It's the world's tiniest bracelet." I picked it up and admired it. "It's so cute!"

"Actually, it's a ring. I went with something a little bit less traditional than the Quileute bracelet. Because I figured, hey…we're pretty nontraditional."

"You're giving me jewelry?" I laughed. "What about my temper? You know it will be shredded the first time I lose my cool when I'm wearing it."

"So don't wear it until you stop phasing." Embry put his arm around me. "I know you don't want to phase forever. So, when you do finally get the wolf within under control, you'll have it. And you can wear it then…if you want."

I observed the ring and then looked at him and smiled. "This is sweet, Embry. Thanks."

"See if it fits," Embry suggested.

I mindlessly slid the ring around my ring finger. It was actually a perfect fit. Wow, had he measured my finger when I was sleeping or something? I was so preoccupied with my impression that I didn't realize that I had put it on my left ring finger. I had to wonder, had I done that subconsciously? I slid the ring off and put it back in its box, where it would be nice and safe.

"Hey, you're not asking me to marry you because we're going into a battle in a few days, are you?" I had to know. I wasn't a big fan of marriage. And I was even less of a fan of "we're going to die, so let's elope."

Embry let out a soft smile.

"I know that's not your style." He paused. "Trust me…when I do propose, it won't be that crappy romance stuff that you see in the movies. I know you hate that."

When he did propose? Had he been thinking about this? Had I missed it when we were wolves? That was a pretty big assumption on Embry's part. Though, I guess I shouldn't be surprised. Considering he had imprinted on me, of course he'd want to spend the rest of his life with me. I just wish I could figure out why I hadn't imprinted on him. If we were meant to be together, then how come I hadn't staked a wolfy claim on him? Sometimes that concerned me. I didn't want to be his Sam. I didn't want to be in love with him one day, only to stupidly imprint on someone else and break Embry's heart. I knew how much that hurt. I would not put him through that.

Embry noticed that I was lost in thought.

"Don't freak out or anything, Leah," he said calmly. "It doesn't have to mean anything that you don't want it to mean."

I nodded and gave a little bit of thought to my answer.

"Just promise me one thing…" I looked into his eyes. "I don't want to do the whole "ceremony" crap. If we do ever get married," And that was a BIG if, "let's just get hitched in Vegas."

Embry smiled at me. "I'll even hire an Elvis impersonator to perform the ceremony."

I laughed. I felt good that Embry was able to put up with my attitude most of the time. Although, it was a bit odd that I was sitting here on Christmas Day talking about marriage to my seventeen-year-old boyfriend.

But our conversation was going to have to wait until another time. My mom interrupted us to tell us that it was time to go.

The ride home was going smoothly until mom asked us what we had talked to Sam about. Embry, Seth, and I all looked at one another uncomfortably. Neither of the boys responded, so I just made up some bullshit about Sam and Emily's wedding. It wasn't my favorite topic, but it was better than saying, "Oh…we just chatted about the hundreds of vampires coming to kill our entire pack. No biggie…"

And just like that, my mind was right back to the looming fight. The fight, that according to Jacob, was supposed to be happening in the next couple of days. I leaned into Embry and let out a sigh. And although he didn't say anything out loud, he knew what was on my mind. It was on his mind, too.