So, we're alone again

I wish it were over

We seem to never end

Only get closer

To the point where I can take no more

"Closer"

-Joshua Radin

Chapter 61:

Drag me down the aisle kicking and screaming

Three weeks went by terribly fast. I spent most of my time forcing a smile on my face, as Emily was always at our house talking to me and my mother about the upcoming event. Every time she walked through the door, I secretly wished that I had let the vampires kill me. I felt even stronger about death when I saw the dress I was going to have to wear. Every morning I woke up hoping that the world had miraculously ended. I was generally sorely disappointed.

The day the wedding arrived was no exception. Two days after I turned twenty-one, Sam and Emily were preparing to walk down the aisle.

The dress that Emily was making me wear was horrendous. I looked like a giant piece of bubblegum. If I didn't know my cousin any better, I would have said she was torturing me for unknown reasons.

"Ready to go, Leah?" my brother asked when I walked into the kitchen. He was rolling up the sleeves on his new tuxedo. He had grown so much in the past few months that the tux from Bella and Edward's wedding no longer fit him.

I didn't say anything as I walked over to the counter. I looked at my mother's knife set.

"Seth, do me a favor…" I grabbed the biggest knife in the set. "Thrust this directly into my head."

Seth rolled his eyes at my dramatics. "I'm not going to kill you, Leah," he said. "Besides, you'd probably heal before the ceremony anyway."

"Even if it's not enough to kill me, I might bleed all over this lousy excuse for a dress and then I won't have to wear it." I smiled. I would love to bleed all over this. "I mean, come on, I'm a step away from being a badly dressed gay man."

"It's not that bad."

I glared at him. "I look like I've been dressed by a ten-year-old." All we had to do was bedazzle the dress and I would look like a teenager without fashion sense going to prom. I grumbled, "Who in their right mind has a wedding ceremony outside at this time of year, anyway?"

"Actually, Sam was going to have it indoors but he changed his mind after talking to Alice."

"What the hell does Alice have to do with this?"

"The day that she had the vision about the Volturi coming here and ran off with Jasper, she and Sam talked about a lot of things."

"Sam talked to a vampire about his wedding?" I asked suspiciously.

"It's Alice. She can't keep her nose out of anything. You know that." Seth pointed out. I suddenly let out a boisterous laugh when I thought of Alice Cullen giving pointers to Sam Uley about his wedding. "Somehow, the topic of conversation turned to where the wedding would be. Sam told her that they hadn't decided yet because Emily wanted to get married on the beach, but he was skeptical about the weather. Alice told him that they were going to have a beautiful outdoor wedding." He glanced outside. "And what do you know? They are."

"How could she possibly know that they were going to have a nice wedding? She can't see us, remember?"

"Yeah, but she's more reliable than any meteorologist I've ever seen on TV." Seth glanced at the beautiful weather. So Alice had peeked ahead to see what the weather would be like around here that day. That was oddly nice of her. "Oh, don't let me forget to tell Sam and Emily that Bella and Edward send their love. I talked to Bella yesterday. They can't make it. Apparently they never got to finish their honeymoon, so they're on their way to have their second one."

"Thanks. That's just what I want to think about today: two vampires bumping uglies while their highly intelligent daughter is giving them pointers because they're doing it wrong."

Seth shook his head. "Alice, Jasper, Rosalie, and Emmett are watching Nessie for a few days." He explained that this trip was just for Edward and Bella.

"They couldn't have found better babysitters? By the time they get back, Nessie will be some Little Miss Beauty Queen contestant whose talent is burping the alphabet." I could only imagine the torture that Nessie was enduring with Alice and Rosalie dressing her up in godawful dresses while Emmett taught her some annoying new habits. At least she had Jasper to make her take away her ability to actually care.

"Give 'em a break, Leah. They've been through a lot. They deserve to be happy."

I snorted. Yeah, they got to live their happily ever after. What about the rest of us? I growled. I had a wedding to attend. Before I could complain anymore, my mother rushed us out the door.

I spent most of the ceremony trying not to shove my bouquet of roses deeply into my brain. As it is, I was gripping them so tightly that the thorns started cutting into my hands.

I chuckled in amusement when Claire toddled down the aisle mindlessly throwing petals and dancing around. When she ran out of petals half-way down the aisle she darted back to pick up some of the pieces she'd already thrown.

I was impressed that she got three-quarters of the way through the ceremony before she got bored and decided to take it out on her clothes. I held back my laughter as she pulled her dress up over her head and tossed it aside.

Apparently, her mother was prepared for this situation, as Claire was wearing a little toddler slip underneath her fluffy dress. She didn't seem to mind that the entire town was staring at her and laughing. In fact, she seemed to thrive off of it. She loved to be the center of attention.

When Emily bent down and asked her why she felt the need to strip, Claire's answer reflected what was on my mind.

"It's too fwilly and pink. I don't like the dwess, Aunt Emily. It's yucky."

Three years old and she already had a sense of fashion. I would kill to have a kid like Claire. And now, I would spend the rest of the ceremony grumbling over the fact that I wouldn't be having children of my own.

Aside from Claire's stripping incident, the rest of the wedding went smoothly. Of course, everyone cooed like idiots when Sam and Emily kissed passionately. I cringed. There was also one other person there who let out a disappointed grunt watching their embrace. It was from a tired toddler.

"Ewwww!" Claire groaned. She didn't approve of the mushy stuff.

"My sentiments exactly," I muttered quietly. I knew that no one would hear me complaining. The guests were all too busy cheering and clapping like this was some kind of sports event.

Yeah, keep cheering them on and maybe we'll get to see them round third base and score a home run. I thought harshly.

Embry came up to me after the ceremony.

"You look…" He sized up my dress, "...very pink."

I laughed at him. "And you look like a penguin." I poked him in the ribs.

He chuckled and put his arm around me.

"So, how are ya holding up?" He looked over at Sam and Emily.

"Well, I haven't killed anyone...so that's a plus."

He knew this wasn't easy for me. Even though I had him, I still hadn't forgotten what I had with Sam. How had Embry managed to stand by me while I pathetically pined after Sam? For him to continuously be so patient with me proved how much he loved me. He had to love me.

I thought about love. How we choose who we love and who loves us. Really thinking about it, I understood imprinting. Though we might get to choose who we fall in love with, we don't get to choose who falls in love with us. I had always been a firm believer that there was only one person out there for each of us. Even though I had once scoffed at the whole "soul-mates" thing, maybe there was more to it than I realized. Not that I thought it was something I would ever want to do. Besides Embry, all of the other morons who imprinted had turned into drooling jackasses or slaves for toddlers.

"I'm going to grab a drink. Do you want one?" Embry questioned, interrupting my thoughts.

"No, thanks. I'm good." I shook my head.

As Embry walked off, Billy rolled up beside me. I was too busy watching Sam and Emily to say anything to him.

"You look beautiful, Leah." Billy complimented me.

I turned to him. "I want to set this dress on fire."

He laughed. "You know, you did something like that once." I gave him a puzzled look and he chuckled again. "You were three. It was before I stopped smoking. One day when I was babysitting you, you came across my lighter. Somehow you managed to light an entire laundry basket on fire. I got it out pretty quickly, but two of your best dresses were toast."

"I bet my parents never let you babysit me again."

"Actually, your dad found it funny as hell."

Of course he would. My father always had a twisted sense of humor. My mom told me that's why she fell for him in the first place. I looked over at my mother. She and Charlie were laughing and shoving cake in each others faces. I smiled. It was only a matter of time before I had to don a hideous dress again for their wedding.

"They're pretty good together." Billy noticed that I was watching the two of them smiling at each other. I nodded silently. He shook his head. "I never thought I'd see her happy again."

That made two of us. After my dad died my mom had put on a strong front. She always faked a smile. I thought she was smart for doing that. After all, people ask less questions when you're smiling. But sometimes at night I could hear her sobbing quietly in her room. Losing someone you love is never easy. What happened to the whole soul-mate concept then? What if the one person you thought you were meant to be with forever was no longer an option in your life? Could you really love more than one person with all of your heart in your lifespan?

"Charlie loves her." I was sure. I paused and thought about what I was going to say next. "And she loves him." How was that possible?

"Love is a funny thing."

That wasn't the first time I'd heard that phrase. Embry had said that to me before. I didn't understand then, but I got it now. There was absolutely nothing in this world more confusing, more painful, and more beautiful than love.

Love existed in many forms. I would have known that sooner had I opened my eyes to the world around me. But I had been burned by love so many times that I just gave up on it completely. Maybe I should give it another shot. Just because you've failed in love once doesn't mean you're destined to live alone forever.

I looked over at Embry chatting with Jacob at the buffet. I had to laugh. Where else would the teenage werewolves gather?

It was a little nerve-wracking...all this thinking about love. There were too many "what-if's" going through my head. Could I really be happy? After everything I had done in my life, did I really deserve it? Was I just setting myself up for disappointment? Would I end up a bitter old lady screaming for my neighbors to keep their damn kids off of my lawn?

As independent as I was, I didn't want to end up alone forever. I could joke about becoming a crazy cat lady, but it wouldn't be so funny if that actually happened.

It seems like everyone around me was happy with their lives. Mom and Charlie had one another. Jacob had Nessie. Quil adored Claire. Edward and Bella, even two of the worlds most screwed up people, managed to find happiness. I glanced at Billy in his chair next to me.

"Are you happy, Billy?" I questioned.

"About what?" Billy asked.

As awkward as this question was going to sound...

"About how your life turned out?"

Billy took a moment to pause before he answered and then he chuckled a deep laugh.

"You're asking me if I'm happy that I'm confined to a wheelchair all the while knowing that my son is a werewolf in love with a vampire's child?" He pursed his lips together. I saw him look over at his son. Jacob was telling Seth, Embry, and Quil about something horribly cute Nessie had done. Billy laughed again and then looked at me. "Jake, Rachel, and Rebecca are all happy and that is all I've ever wanted for them," he sighed. But it was a happy sigh. "Watching the people I love find meaning in their lives makes me happy." He sounded like he meant it. He looked over at Sam and Emily. "If you'll excuse me, I've got to congratulate the bride and groom." He wheeled away from me.

I watched as Billy shook Sam's hand. Emily leaned down and gave him a kiss on the cheek. The happy couple leaned in to each other. They locked eyes and smiled at the exact same time. It was a bit eerie how in sync they were. I saw the way that Sam and Emily were looking at one another and I realized exactly how much they cared for each other. I had seen it in Sam's thoughts thousands of times, but I never wanted to accept it. But standing here next to my cousin today I could no longer deny the love they shared.

If Billy could be happy even with some of the shit that his life had handed him, then why couldn't I do the same? Sam and Emily really loved each other and I should be happy for them.

Emily looked over at me and waved tentatively. I smiled and waved back at her. The funny thing was, I didn't have to force the smile. It wasn't fake. I think…I was happy for them. Emily had been my best friend since we were little. She was the sister I had always wished for. Before Sam imprinted on her I went to her with my problems. We had really been through a lot together.

And Sam-he broke my heart. But try as I might, I couldn't find it in that broken heart to hate him any longer. Because I had once loved him...and I like to think that he loved me, too. But he wasn't my Sam anymore. He was Emily's. And she was his. They were married. They were meant to be. I had to stop holding on to a future that I could never have. As much as it killed me, I had to let him go. Sam had said something to me a few weeks ago, You're still so angry with me that you can't let go of your past to enjoy your future. And he was right. In order for me to have my happy future, I was going to have to wave goodbye to the past.

I waited until Emily was occupied by Claire, who wanted her aunt to play hide and go seek with her. I laughed as Claire pulled Emily along with her tiny little hand. For a three-year-old, she was exceptionally strong.

Sam leaned against a table full of hors d'oeuvres. If I wanted to be really childish, I could easily bump into him so he would stumble over the table and wind up on his back covered in Mini-quiches and Spinach Dip.

As entertaining as that would have been, I decided not to go that route. Instead, I walked up to him.

"Hey. Congrats."

He looked stunned when I gave him my well wishes. I'm sure he thought I was drunk. It had been a while since I'd said something kind to him.

He mustered up a "Thanks," and we stood in silence for a moment.

This wasn't going to be easy. "Want to take a walk with me?"

He looked uneasy as he responded. "Sure." He paused. "You're not going to kill me, are you?"

"No."

"Hit me?"

"Probably not." Though I could never make any guarantees. Sometimes my temper did get the better of me.

He shrugged as he followed me out to a path nearby. He and I used to walk this path as a couple. As we were drifting away from the reception, I saw Jacob give me a look of concern. I guess he was afraid that I was going to kill Sam, too. I waved to him and gave a slight nod of the head to let him know that I wasn't in a killing mood.

Sam was the first to speak when we were alone.

"I know this day can't be easy for you. Emily and I both appreciate the fact that you came."

"Of course I came." I nodded. "You two are my best friends."

I thought he was going to die from shock.

"What?"

I let out a sigh, "I've decided that I'm done being angry with you."

"You…what?" he asked again.

"I've spent the past year being this angry, hateful bitch. But I don't want to be that way anymore. I realized that the only way I'm going to be able to change is to let go of my past. I have to get rid of all this pain and resentment that I've been holding on to." The words were pouring out now. I could not believe I was saying this out loud. "So, I forgive you, Sam. For everything." There, I'd said it. The strange thing was...I think I meant it.

I watched as he thought intensely about what I was saying. He was completely flustered.

"Leah, you're amazing." He surprised me with his response. He smiled softly as he took both of my hands in his. Normally, I would have pulled away and kicked him in the crotch. But today I didn't feel the urge to do that. "Thank you." He squeezed my hands and leaned in to kiss my forehead.

Okay, why was I not uncomfortable with this? I waited. Any minute now my brain would kick on and I would smack the shit out of him for touching me and tell him that he had lost his right to cuddle with me the day he'd broken my heart. But those words never came. I didn't feel anything other than content. Sam let go of my hands and embraced me in a hug. Damn, this "letting go" thing was actually working.

After Sam pulled away from me, I looked into his beautiful brown eyes. His eyes were the first thing I fell in love with. Never mind the fact that he was gorgeous to boot. I had never noticed him until high school. He had pined after me since we were five. When we were in kindergarten together he used to draw me cute little pictures and bring them over to me shyly. I would usually scribble "You smell" or "You're a doodie head" across the little love note and then ball the picture up and throw it at his head. But even then, I knew that he had pretty eyes. I would tell my mom all about the annoying little boy who had sparkly eyes that drew me pictures and sucked at kickball.

As we got older, Sam knew that I was a sucker for his eyes. The first day of ninth grade I caught him stuffing something into my locker. It was a picture he'd drawn in kindergarten that he had held on to for all of those years. It was two badly drawn stick-figures. A little girl and a little boy. They were holding hands. But the way he'd drawn the little boy's eyes looking so lovingly at the little girl was remarkable. And at the bottom of the picture, there was Sam's messy five-year-old handwriting. It was a question: Will you be my girlfriend?

After looking at the picture and facing Sam, begging me with those damn eyes, I'd said yes. He hauled off and kissed me right there. After the kiss, I was in love. That's when I lost myself in our relationship.

We were always together after that. And every time we would kiss, I would look into his eyes afterwards. There was always love there. His eyes never lied. I could always see through him. The day that he broke my heart he wouldn't look at me directly. I had forced him to look me in the eyes and tell me that he didn't love me anymore. He did. And his eyes didn't lie. It was excruciating. But even then I could see how much he still adored me.

But as I looked into his eyes at this very moment I realized that there was nothing there. And strangely, I don't believe that my eyes would bestow anything different to him. We weren't meant to be. You don't just wake up one day and stop loving someone. But he had. And now, I was doing the same.

"What brought this on?" Sam questioned curiously.

I thought about how we had been friends for fifteen years. And about how even though we were broken up we still couldn't stay out of each others lives. Something pushed us to be together. We were forced to share the same thoughts when we were wolves. When I phased for the first time, I had mixed emotions about realizing that Sam was in my head again. Part of me was pissed that I had to listen to my ex-boyfriend's rule. But the other part was smug and satisfied that I would be this intimate with Sam when Emily never could.

"You remember when I first phased?" I asked.

I saw him swallow a knot in his throat. The first time we had shared the same thoughts was not a happy memory for him. Wasn't for me either. The moment that I realized what was going on my first instinct was to rip Sam's throat out. Even though we had been broken up for almost a year, I was still harboring a lot of negative feelings for him. I was determined to somehow make it his fault.

"I seem to recall that you threatened to castrate me," he said. "And I believed that you were capable of actually doing it."

"I would have too had Embry and Jacob not been there," I admitted. They had calmed me down by making me laugh my ass off as they bickered about who had the silkiest coat. Listening to those "macho" boys have such girly thoughts was hysterical. My anger hadn't stayed at bay very long. I was still so angry at Sam that I didn't listen to a word the boys said as they explained to me about the vampires and the Quileute legends. I picked up on how we read each other's thoughts very quickly. That was unfortunate for me. As if Jacob constantly thinking about Bella wasn't annoying enough, I had to see in Sam's head every day how much he loved Emily. Jake told me that Sam couldn't help but to think of her.

It's kind of hard for the guys who have imprinted to think of anything else.

Imprinted? I asked.

I had felt Sam's anger at Jacob for mentioning it.

Dude, she has to know about the imprinting thing sooner or later. Jacob didn't care.

What the hell are you talking about?

I was livid when I found out about Sam imprinting on Emily. I still didn't know what it meant. I was too busy plotting Sam's death to hear them explaining it to me.

That first week as a wolf sucked. Even though Sam did his best not to obsessively think about Emily, I still felt like I was watching an autobiography of my cousin's life. Finding out that Sam had been the one who'd disfigured her face shocked the crap out of me. I knew that Sam loved Emily. But hearing that Emily wanted to stay with him after he hurt her, I realized how much she loved him back. But even though they were in love I still couldn't help but hold on to hope that maybe one day Sam would leave her and come back to me. Knowing that that would never happen pissed me off, so I started smarting off anytime we were together as wolves. I became a completely crazy bitch.

I faced Sam, who was being incredibly patient waiting for me to continue.

"I knew how much you loved Emily the first time I was a wolf." Sam's eyes darted to the ground. "It's not your fault. I didn't see it then. You didn't have a choice in the matter. All that stupid destiny shit got in the way." I frowned. "You looked at Emily through new eyes when you became a wolf. You saw her differently. You saw her in a way that you never saw me." This was painful for me to say, but not nearly as painful as I expected it to be. I feel like I was getting a weight off of my chest. "You saw her...and you loved her. I knew you and I were over at that point. Even then, all I saw was you, Sam," I sighed. "But I don't see you anymore. I came here today because I realized that you and Emily really were meant to be." I didn't have to like it to accept it. I paused, and then added, "And...because my mom threatened to dye my hair purple in my sleep if I didn't. And quite frankly...my mother scares me," I admitted.

"She scares me, too." Sam laughed.

I think I had poured my heart out enough. I glanced back to the wedding party.

"We should probably get back before Emily finds out that I dragged you off somewhere and assumes that I've beheaded you or something." I started to walk back towards the five hundred different shades of pink and black that people were wearing today.

Sam grabbed my arm gently and turned me back around to face him.

"You're going to get your happy ending, too, Leah." He smiled. "You deserve it."

That's the first time I had heard that statement and actually believed it myself.