Chapter 14
Brittany had never in her life seen anything even close to resembling Rachel Berry's New York City apartment. It was incredible. Every single thing was grander, more polished, and brighter. It was like Santa Claus and the Magical Band of Unicorns had teamed up to create the Headquarters of Happyville. If Brittany had to describe it, she'd say it was intensely sparkly. She was almost afraid to touch anything, even though Santana assured her that Rachel was insured to the max. Having that knowledge really didn't help much, though. She was still in awe of everything. Even Rachel's monogrammed napkins looked like they cost more than Brittany's whole outfit.
Brittany had greeted all of her coworkers from Seattle. They seemed as overwhelmed as she was. Well, everyone except Holly, who had brought a flask and was celebrating prematurely at the day's successful pitch. She was glad everyone seemed to be getting along so far. It gave her the opportunity to watch Santana. Brittany just couldn't get enough of Santana. And the way she had walked in here and took charge was making Brittany look even more forward to getting her back home.
They had finally all settled into their seats and were awaiting dinner, when Brittany noticed all Rachel's awards. One whole wall of the Grand Dining Room was a glass display case of various trophies. The trophies seemed to be accompanied by large framed photographs of Rachel accepting each award. In some photographs, she was laughing. In some, she was crying. In one, she was doing both in a face so contorted, she was barely recognizable. The best part, in Brittany's estimation at least, was the little glitter cannons that shot every few minutes, covering everything in gold. She watched in amazement until she felt Santana tap her elbow.
"You okay?" Santana asked her in ear.
"Yeah, fine," she said without taking her eyes off the display. "That's incredible."
"Don't look at that too long, babe, you'll have nightmares. That kind of demonstration in self-congratulation will eat at your soul."
Brittany's head whipped around to face Santana, "You called me 'babe' again."
"Yeah, I meant to that time."
"I like it."
"I like that you like it," Santana said as she drifted closer.
"So when will this be over?" Brittany asked as she massaged Santana's knee under the table. "Soon?"
"Dinner, a tour of the master closet, then we're out," Santana cleared her throat and checked for an audience. "We should be home free unless Rachel decides to sing or something. Even so, we'll sneak out as soon as she dips into the chorus. She goes into a fucking Rachel Berry induced coma at the sound of her own voice."
"Good," Brittany nodded happily in view of everyone else, yet she was drawing intricate duck shapes on the other woman's upper thigh under the surface. "I can't wait."
Santana breathed deeply, "Me either."
"Psst, Brittany," Kurt said as she stretched across the back of Santana's chair, breaking them out of their trance. "What is that guy's name again?"
"Who?"
"Eyebrows Galore over there," Santana said, her eyes shifting down the table. "He's wiggling them at one of us like they're going out of style. Which, they did, in 1972."
"Oh, that's Blaine. Blaine Anderson," Brittany answered. "And considering he's gay as a rocket ship, he's probably trying to flirt with Kurt."
"Of course," Kurt smiled and did a finger wave in Blaine's direction. Blaine blushed and looked away quickly. "What's his story?" Kurt asked.
"Great guy," Brittany told him. "A bit on the boring side. And when I say a bit, I mean Level 5 Snoozefest. Like, you'll fall asleep in the middle of a sentence. Like, he's one of those dinosaurs that only eats plants. But, he's super nice, has tons of hair product, and a bowtie in every color of the rainbow."
"Interesting," Kurt said as he did a perusal of the man's clothing. "Not the best dressed guy in the room, 'cause that's me, but I might be able to deal with it."
"I have to warn you, though," the blonde said. "With the flux in immigration laws, he could be deported back to Guadalajara at any time. He says he won't be, but I also think he lies."
"Oh," the man frowned. "I can't do long distance. I'm just not strong enough."
Brittany and Santana's eyes met each other and they shared shy smiles.
"You'd be surprised what you're willing to do when you find someone who's worth it," Santana told him.
Kurt gave a Brittany a knowing wink. "I suppose that's true, Santana."
"Isn't this amazing?" Brittany heard from the other side of her, effectively snapping her attention away from Kurt. It was Artie, who practically had stars in his eyes as he followed Rachel's every movement. "You have good connections, Britt."
Brittany shrugged, "Sure."
"This is really something, I'm sorry I wasn't on board with Santana before, but now that I know who she knows..."
"Okay," the blonde said. "That's not really why-"
"So, Rachel Berry," Artie cut her off as he had worked up the courage to address the star, "will you performing after dinner?"
"Shut it, Tool," Santana hissed while Brittany nudged him hard.
"Oh, my," Rachel said as she brought her hands to her heart. "I don't have a thing prepared."
Finn guffawed at the opposite end of the large dining room table. "Yeah, right," he said under a cough.
"Except that medley of songs from lesbian themed films that you had me prepare in honor of Santana and Brittany," Kurt reminded her.
"Yes, Kurt, except that," Rachel said through clenched teeth. "It was supposed to be a surprise, though."
"The surprise will be if you get through it before I murder you," Santana told her. "No...just no."
"But, I-"
"No," Santana said again with finality. "Not even if you're planning on screening the movies at the same time."
"So, I thought the two of you were married?" Holly asked pointing at both ends of the table where Finn and Rachel were seated.
"Oh, we are," Finn said as he tucked his tie into his shirt.
"Three years?" Rachel asked him. "Has it been that long?"
"Three glorious years," he answered.
"I'm confused," Holly looked at one and then the other, then took a gulp out of her flask.
"Aren't we all?" Santana complained as she sipped on her wine.
"Marriage is great," Will chimed in.
"Oh, crap," Brittany said under her breath.
Will continued, "I loved being married...then I got divorced."
"I'm so sorry to hear that," Rachel checked his placecard, "William." She then looked to the opposite end of the table, "Divorces can get so ugly."
"Or maybe downright pleasant," Santana threw in.
"Or maybe very expensive," Finn added.
"Or maybe I should write a tell-all book, Mr. Performance Anxiety. I'd have plenty of hookers that can back up my story."
"Divorce can get brutal," Will agreed with Rachel. "But, it's for the best. Our sex life wasn't very satisfying. She did live in a plastic bubble."
"And nobody was popping that bubble, if you know what I mean," Holly said loudly and gave Will a hard slap on the chest.
"I almost forgot," Sugar said in realization. She reached into her purse and pulled out a stack of rubberbanded bills. She tossed the money in Will's direction. "That's your divorce present. I couldn't find a card."
"What the hell is that about?" Santana asked Brittany quietly.
"She gives money instead of feelings," Brittany said.
"Oh." Santana seemed to accept this explanation pretty easily. "I'm familiar with the concept."
"I still don't even know why you invited me," Mercedes said to Rachel. "You never invite me to these things."
"I find that insulting, Mercedes," Rachel pouted. "I've invited you to dinner parties before. Besides, I wanted to apologize for being so ridiculous. I don't know why I made such a fuss about a pair of shoes. Really, I'm so ashamed. But, there is something..." She looked to her new assistant who was all the way down on the other side of table by Finn, "Kelly, will you grab those photos I had taken."
Kitty jumped to fulfill the request, as she reminded Rachel, "It's Kitty."
"Yeah, you should really stop correcting her," Santana gave her some advice. "I'm telling you, go with Kelly."
"Brody, why don't you switch places with Kelly," Rachel told her date.
He looked like a deer caught in headlights, "You want me to go down there by him?"
"Yeah," Rachel couldn't understand why he didn't immediately comply. "Finn's a nice guy, you two will get along just famously."
Brody still hesitated until Rachel glared. When he reached his newly assigned seat, Finn asked, "So plumbing? I've heard lots of interesting things about plumbing."
After, Rachel finally received the folder of photos, she resumed with Mercedes, "Now, I think a signature blouse that was contoured specifically for my body shape is more sue-worthy, don't you think?" She pulled out a series of black and white photos. "Exhibit A: Kristen Stewart wearing my shirt!"
"Now is not the time, Rachel," Santana said.
"Then when is the time? When K. Stew is flaunting my entire collection? What about R. Berr? I'm a trendsetter!"
"You're not a trendsetter, Rachel." Santana rolled her eyes. "Kurt is a trendsetter. You're like a lifesize Rachel Berry Barbie that he gets to play dress-up with every morning."
"It was my dream as a child," Kurt grinned. "Now if I only had the Barbie Corvette."
"I think you're a trendsetter," Artie yelled obnoxiously to Rachel.
Literally every pair of eyes turned to him.
Because of the short distance between them, Sugar leaned away, "Now you're going to die."
That, of course, prompted Beiste who was "shadowing" her, to jump into action. Sugar was in a headlock and lifted her clean out of her chair in a blink.
"Shit!" Brittany said as she cowered into Santana.
"Call her off!" Santana told Rachel.
"Beiste, down!" Rachel finally yelled. "She didn't mean me, she meant the crippled boy!"
Mercedes laughed, "Now you might actually need me here for something."
Sugar was relieved when she was returned to her seating position and fanned herself off with a stack of twenties.
The resulting commotion also made Will drop his fancy napkin and he ducked quickly under the table. He came up very slowly, staring at Brittany.
Santana noticed, "What the fuck is your problem over there?"
"Uh..." Will shook his head quickly. "Nothing," but his eyes never left Brittany.
"Oh," the blonde said suddenly. "I didn't wear any underwear."
"I really do wish you'd take this seriously, Mercedes," Rachel told her lawyer.
"Fine," Mercedes gave in. "I'll sue the pants off Kristen Stewart."
"Oh my god!" Rachel screamed, "She's been wearing my pants too? Kelly, call my PI, I need more evidence."
"Kitty," Kitty said again even as she jumped out of her chair to do just that.
Santana groaned loudly, "Give it up!"
"Santana, that's mean," Brittany said. "I like it. Is it short for Kitten?"
"No," Kitty answered.
"Oh," Brittany was disappointed. "Then I don't like it anymore."
"Dinner is served," Henderson Head Chef announced abruptly.
"I really hope it's tacos," Holly told Will, pouring from the wine bottle on the table into her flask.
"I really hope it's peppers," Suzy uttered her first words of the evening.
The actual dinner portion of the evening was a rousing success. Rachel had informed them of that fact, actually. Brittany thought that it was only because everyone seemed to be either starstruck or paranoid about someone else in the room. Beiste was still watching Sugar intently. Sugar had taken a sudden interest in Suzy Pepper, who was in turn watching Finn through the tines of her dinner fork. Finn was keeping a close eye on Brody next to him, who was mesmerized by Blaine's eyebrows. Blaine was still trying to get Kurt's attention, which was stolen by Kitty because she was providing him with photos of Kristen Stewart in evening wear. Mercedes had her eye on Artie, because she was willing to smack that bitch if he brought up Rachel singing again. Artie had abandoned all pretense of decency and had starting taking pictures of Rachel on his cell and tweeting them to his mother. Holly was making weird passes at Will while he was crying soundlessly onto his plate. When Brittany took a look to her left, Santana was watching her.
"You ready to see a giant closet?" Santana asked.
Brittany was excited, "I've never been in one!"
It took absolutely no time to escape considering everyone was preoccupied and soon enough they were rushing up the grand staircase.
"The Master Closet!" Santana presented as she threw the door open with a flourish.
"Wow," Brittany said as she took a look around. "This is double the size of my whole apartment."
"I wouldn't doubt it, this was two apartments before Rachel remodeled it. Okay, the rotating jeans rack," Santana pointed. "Then we have the tops of every kind and every color." Santana pulled Brittany a little further into the room, "Accessories. Belts. Jewelry." She nodded behind her, "You've seen the stage."
"I honestly thought you were kidding about the conveyor belt," the blonde said as she watched a rejected pair of shoes float by.
"I would never joke about something like that," Santana said with a wink.
"It's definitely looks bigger in real life than it does over the phone."
"First of all, wanky. Secondly, yes, it probably does."
"Thanks for showing me."
"Wait a second." Santana grabbed Brittany by the shoulders positioned her at a certain spot in the large room. "Right...here is where I was standing when I got your text message about coming to New York."
"Right here?" Brittany pointed down.
"Exactly."
"There's no way you remember exactly where you were standing."
Santana rolled up on her tiptoes to place a quick kiss on the blonde's lips, "I do."
Brittany pulled her into her arms for a hug. "You're so sweet, Santana."
"I don't get that very often," the brunette laughed.
"You are."
"Thanks," Santana ducked her head a little embarrassed by the compliment.
Brittany didn't think she'd ever been cuter. "Can we go right now?"
When they made it back downstairs, Rachel was pulling out her golden microphone while Artie followed her around taking video now. Will was sitting on a sofa eating guacamole with a spoon out of a very large bowl. Mercedes was congratulating Sugar on the Grammy she got in her "settlement" with Rachel, while Beiste looked on from a mere five feet away. Finn was showing Brody the game ball from his one and only successful playoff game, while Suzy watched them creepily from behind a potted fern. Blaine was arguing the merits of clip-on bowties with Kurt. Kitty was meticulously taking inventory, which was always an instruction from Rachel when she had "friends" over. And Holly had passed the fuck out on the floor, flask gripped tightly in her hand.
"Should we tell them we're leaving?" Brittany asked.
"And risk having to stay here one more minute with these people?" Santana shook her head. "No way in hell." Santana couldn't pull her out of Rachel's apartment fast enough.
"It's not usually that crazy," Santana said as they exited a cab. "I mean, it's crazy, but your people seem a little crazy, too."
"They are," Brittany agreed as they walked into Santana's building hand in hand. "Kurt is fantastic, though."
"He is," Santana nodded. "But never, ever, say that I said that."
"It'll be our little secret."
"Thanks," Santana said gratefully as she pressed the floor button for the elevator.
"I'm so glad I met him," Brittany commented as the two of them entered the elevator car. "And Rachel, too...I guess."
"She's over the top."
"Over the top is an understatement."
"Yeah." Santana watched the elevator doors slide open. "You're completely right."
"It was a fun night, though," Brittany said. "Thank you for taking me out. Not everyone meets Rachel Berry on a first date."
"No, just that one other couple on the carriage ride," Santana said they approached Santana's doorway.
"That sounds nice."
The brunette pulled out her keys, "It could have been nice. Except Rachel starting singing Endless Love at the top of her lungs and it spooked the horses."
"Oh my god," Brittany said following Santana into her apartment.
"Yeah, poor kids ended up in Yonkers."
"Were they alright?"
Santana threw her blazer over the back of a chair and walked into her bedroom, "Just some cuts and bruises. Horses were fine. Carriage driver was fine. Rachel cut everyone a check."
Brittany followed her in, but stopped and watched as Santana took off her watch and earrings. "I bet that was a mess for you, though."
"Just part of my job," Santana laughed. "I'm pretty good-"
Whatever she was going to say floated away when she turned around just in time to see Brittany's dress pool around her ankles.