Disclaimer: In no way do I condone the use of alcohol or drugs of any kind, especially when trying to deal with your problems. When faced with a problem in life it is unwise to try and drink it away. I personally believe that alcohol is evil, not to say that I haven't used it in the past, but I do not drink it at all anymore. End of preachy speech.
That being said, watching other people get trashed and do stupid shit can be hilarious. These outtakes probably would not exist if not for my hard-partying friends. Thanks for making jackasses of yourselves guys. I'm sorry to say that a lot of the stuff that happens in this outtake has actually happened in real life.
Originally, I thought about starting the story "The Dawn Was Already Broken" near the end of "Eclipse" instead of the beginning of "Breaking Dawn". But the chapter itself read too much like an outtake. It's set about two weeks after Jacob was hurt in the battle with the newborns. Watch what fun ensues when Jacob and Leah royally mess up cat-sitting Old Quil's cat.
Outtake Number 2:
"Let's Drink til we can't feel our feelings anymore"
Tonight was really shaping up to be a nice night. I had just finished a nice long jog on two feet. I had been trying not to think about Sam and Emily's upcoming engagement party. As I was jogging by Old Quil's place, I noticed Jacob hobbling towards the front door on crutches. He was trying to balance a bag of cat food while opening the front door. I watched in amusement as he stumbled around.
"Come on…" He fought with the key. I walked up behind him quietly.
"Having fun?" I questioned as I crossed my arms across my chest.
Apparently, I'd startled him.
"Aw, hell," he snarled as he dropped the keys and then the cat food. He turned around to look at me. Man, if looks could kill…
"You just going to stand there or are you going to help me out here?" Jacob snapped.
"I think I'm just going to stand here," I responded. "What's with the crutches?" I questioned.
He should have been completely healed from the newborn attack. It had been nearly two weeks since we had formed an alliance with the vampires across from our land to fight an army of moronic newborn leeches that were after Bella Swan. I personally didn't understand why we were protecting her. I hated her and didn't really care what happened to her.
"Stupid props." He grumbled something about his dad having a big mouth and explained that it had to do with keeping up appearances with Charlie. Billy had apparently told Charlie that Jacob had been injured while riding his motorcycle. "My dad must have decided it would be funny as hell to see me fall on my ass using these things for the next six weeks anytime I'm out in public…just in case Charlie happens to see me."
I looked around. "I don't see Charlie anywhere." I pointed out.
"He was at your mom's place when I stopped by to get the keys to Old Quil's place. He gave me a ride out here."
"Uh huh. And are you moving in with Old Quil or something?" I couldn't figure out what Jake was doing out here.
"I'm taking care of his cat while he's out of town," Jacob explained. That explained the cat food.
"Why is Quil not taking care of his Grandfather's cat?" I questioned.
"He's allergic," Jacob said. "So my father volunteered me to watch the stupid thing." He frowned. "Old Quil gave the keys to your mother the other night at the bonfire so she could give them to me. I just wish I hadn't gone over to your place when Charlie was there. I was just going to ditch the crutches in the woods and run out here but Charlie insisted on driving me here. He was going to wait, but I told him I had a ride home."
"Wow. Being stuck in the car with Chief Swan? That sounds like hell."
"Add in the fact that his daughter completely rejected me to be with a vampire that Charlie knows nothing about and it was the best car-ride ever." Jacob rolled his eyes.
He had the keys in his hands again. He unlocked the door and kicked the bag of food inside. I followed him.
Jacob threw the crutches aside.
"I really wish that my dad had come up with a better story than the stupid motorcycle accident. Now Charlie thinks I'm a complete klutz."
"Just like his moronic daughter."
"Watch it," Jacob snapped. "Don't talk about Bella like that."
He was still defending her even after she'd broken his heart? Unbelievable. What did he see in the whiny little runt anyway?
"She's a selfish asswipe, Jake. Why do you even care about her? She chose the bloodsuckers over you."
He had several reasons to hate her. So why didn't he?
"Because I love her." What a stupid reason to care about someone. "And she's my friend no matter what."
She sure had a funny way of showing it.
"Friends?" I scoffed.
"You and Sam are still friends."
I laughed caustically. "I called him a cocksucking motherfucking cuntlicker today."
"Jesus Christ, Leah. Where the hell do you come up with that shit?" Jacob gasped.
"I dunno. Cable television?" I really didn't know where my foul mouth had come from. I just woke up one day saying a bunch of crap.
"Yeah, right," Jacob snorted. "I bet the censors would have a field day with you."
"The censors can lick my salty taint."
Jacob's jaw had dropped in shock. I got that look a lot. I was always saying something to horrify people. I just didn't give a rats ass what people thought of me anymore. I was pissed at life so those around me were damn sure going to hear about it.
Old Quil's cat scurried into the room. The thing looked as old...if not older...than Old Quil.
Jacob gasped, "Shit. Leah, shut the door."
But it was too late. The ratty old cat scampered out the door and ran across the yard.
"Crap. She's not supposed to go outside." Jacob frowned. He raced out the front door after the cat and started calling after her, "Here, kitty! Come on…"
"Like a cat is going to come to a dog," I muttered under my breath.
"Did you see where she went?" Jacob questioned.
"If she's smart...as far away from here as possible," I grumbled. "Just crack a window and leave out some cat food," I suggested.
"If I do that then when I come back tomorrow his house will be filled with twenty stray cats." Jacob frowned at me. "I just have to wait until she comes back."
"It's a cat, Jacob."
"Yeah, Old Quil's cat." He pointed out.
He had a point. If the old man came back and found out that Jacob had lost his cat he would beat the crap out of Jake with his cane.
Jacob looked around the yard and there was no sign of the cat. He grumbled something to himself as he walked back in the house.
"How could my life get any worse?" he snapped.
I glanced down at the bag of cat food sitting at my feet. He wanted to know how it could get worse? I could make it worse. People really shouldn't say that kind of stuff around me. I took it as a challenge.
Jokingly, I picked up the bag of cat food and tossed it at him. It hit his shins.
"Ow! Leah, what the hell!"
"You wanted to know how it could get worse."
"God, you're such a bitch sometimes." He frowned. "Why would you throw pussy chow at me?"
"Cause you're a pussy…" He walked right in to that one.
"Whatever."
"Come on, I was just trying to take your mind off of things." I smiled.
"The only thing that's going to keep my mind off of the worthless pile of shit that is my life is Old Quil's stash of booze." Jacob walked over to a cabinet and pulled out a bottle of Jack Daniels and Grey Goose Vodka.
"Wow. The old man's a drunk." I noticed how much alcohol he had stashed away.
"Since I'm stuck here waiting on the cat to come back I might as well let loose a little." Jacob opened the bottle of Jack Daniels.
"What do you think you're doing?" I questioned.
"Making a drink. What does it look like?"
"So this is how you're going to get over Bella? Becoming a drunk?"
"Yeah, wanna join me?"
"You want me to get sloshed with you?" I was surprised.
"You're here." He shrugged. "Why not?"
"Are you joking? Jacob, you're sixteen." I frowned at him disapprovingly.
"How old were you when you first started sneaking alcohol?" he asked me suspiciously.
Shit, I couldn't answer that. If Jacob found out that I started stealing my parents liquor when I was thirteen he'd never let me hear the end of it.
"Uh, I don't drink…ever." I sucked at lying.
Jacob lowered his eyes at me as if to say "Yeah, right" and then poured a shot of Jack Daniels.
"Come on, Jake, you're not one to indulge in alcohol. You've always been such a good kid." I had never seen Jacob acting this way before.
"And look where that's gotten me," Jacob said with a frown. "I'm alone, heartbroken, and miserable."
"Aw, kid...things can't be that bad. Why don't you go hang with Quil and Embry?" I walked over to the glass of alcohol and slid it away from him. I understood why he wanted to drink to forget his pain, but I didn't want him to do something he was going to regret later.
"Because Sam's being a dick and running them like crazy," Jacob explained.
"So go run with them," I suggested.
"Screw that." Jacob shook his head. "Why should I work my ass off for Sam Uley?"
He had a point there. I hated that I was under Sam's command. It sucked.
"Maybe you and I could go do something," I offered. "We could go throw rocks at Sam's car. It'll be fun!"
Jacob shook his head. "Nah."
I could tell that he was in a really bad place right now but I still didn't think that drinking was going to make him any happier. I might as well act like an adult for once.
"Jacob, drinking isn't going to solve your problems with Bella. Getting plastered doesn't help you escape from your issues. Trust me, I know." I frowned. "You start turning to alcohol now and by the time you're thirty you'll be a homeless guy sitting outside a bus station rambling on about the coming apocalypse and giving handjobs in the bathroom for spare cash."
"Won't happen. Cuz I'm going to be freaking stuck at sixteen forever."
I sighed. I had done everything I could think of to be responsible. I told him not to do it. I warned him of the dangers this could lead to. I suggested alternatives. I even offered to be nice to him. Now there was only one thing left for me to do: Sit back and get drunk with him.
I'm not sure how much time had passed, but after a while Jacob and I were plastered off of our asses and laughing at the weather channel.
"Ah, man, I never realized that weather could be so funny." I chuckled. I looked over at Jacob, who was curiously examining an empty bottle.
"Ta—kee-la…" Jacob laughed loudly. "I love it. It's such an amazing word. And it sounds so…tropical…"
I snorted, "Jacob, you're drunk…"
"Just a little," he admitted. He became silent and his face got serious. "Did the cat ever come back?"
I thought for a moment.
"What cat?"
Jacob's serious face gave way to his uncontrollable laughter.
It took a second for my brain to register that we were originally here to take care of a cat. I looked around and saw that there was no cat. We were doing a crappy job.
"Wow. Old Quil is going to be pissed."
"No, he won't." Jacob shook his head. "I just realized something." He nodded. "None of this can be real."
"What are you talking about?"
"Well, if my calculations are correct...I am drunk. So I don't think we're really here…" Jacob babbled on nonsensically.
"So?"
"So this is just a figment of my imagination. A concoctment created that my subconscious has decided to take in corporeal form that will inevitably disappear when my buzz wears off."
"You have had way too much to drink."
"Yeah, you're probably right."
"I'm always right."
"And you constantly remind me of that," Jacob grumbled.
"The truth hurts." I yawned. "You think I say all those nasty things about Bella just because I hate her?"
I kind of did. But there was a reason behind all my hostility for the vampire whore. She was always going to treat Jacob like shit and he would never be able to see that himself. So he was going to spend the rest of his life letting her use him for her own personal gain. Damn harpy.
"You need to get over her, kid. She's only going to cause you more heartbreak."
"You're just bitter about Sam," he grumbled at me.
"Well, yeah. Duh." I wasn't going to deny that. "We've both been screwed over big time. We're in the same boat. Both of us just need to stop being repressed crybabies and get the hell on with our lives."
"Tried that. Didn't work."
I glared at him.
"What do you want from me, Leah?" he questioned.
I thought for a moment. What did Jacob Black have that I wanted? I couldn't answer that. The only thing that he had that I didn't was a dick.
I chuckled out my response, "I want you to make mad passionate love to me right here on this couch." Even though I was joking that still felt weird to say. Wow, how freaking toasted was I?
His face got serious. I busted into a string of endless chuckles.
"Dude, I'm so messing with you."
Relief washed across his face. I had to say that even though I was joking, it hurt my ego a little that Jacob found me so repulsive. My inner-monologue of self-doubt was interrupted by the phone. Jacob leaned over and picked it up. Never mind the fact that this wasn't his house.
"Hello?" He leaned forward and shook his head. I guess his buzz was starting to make him dizzy. "Yeah," he answered a questioned. "Huh? No. I'm babysitting Old Quil's cat." He paused. "Yeah, I lost her," he admitted. "So now I'm just waiting for her to come back home." I could see that something was irritating him. I wondered who was on the phone. "Nah, man. Embry and Quil have it under control. I think Seth even said something about running with them later."
It had to be Sam. I frowned. He was probably bitching at Jacob for not running the perimeters. He was probably pissed that I never showed up either.
"Actually, she's with me," Jacob responded to something Sam said.
I grumbled to myself in thought, Great. Thanks for ratting me out, Jacob.
I thought Sam would be pissed but he apparently wasn't. Jacob faced me.
"Sam says hi. He wants to know when you're going to phase again."
"Tell Sam he can shove a dildo in his ass for all I care."
"She says hello, too. She's not sure when she'll phase back." He censored my response. There was a pause as Sam told Jacob something and then Jacob said "okay" and "goodbye."
"What was that all about?" I questioned as he hung up.
"He was just checking in." Jacob stood up. "He figured he would catch me here." He stretched and glanced around the living room. "We should probably go find the cat."
I grunted. I knew he was right. It was getting dark outside and the poor cat never spent any time outdoors. It would be a frozen pile of fur by tomorrow morning.
"My legs are tired. I've done a lot of running lately." I got to my feet as well.
I saw Jacob glanced out the window and smile. "I've got an idea."
The next thing I knew I was following Jacob across to Old Quil's neighbor's garage. We snuck in.
"What are we doing here?" I asked quietly.
"You said you were tired. And we've got a lot of ground to cover looking for the cat. I'm here for a set of wheels."
"Okay, I'm not drunk enough to steal a car." I rolled my eyes. "That's just stupid."
Jacob shook his head and pointed to something behind the car. "Ever ridden a lawnmower down a big hill?"
I looked at him like he was nuts. "Are you insane?"
"It's a blast." Jacob slunk over to the riding lawnmower. He searched around for the keys and let out an enthusiastic cheer when he found them.
"This is crazy. What if we get caught?" I questioned. I paused to think about that. Since when did I give a rats ass about getting in trouble? I was the definition of trouble.
Jacob didn't really have a good argument. He just shrugged and egged me on.
"Come on. It's fun. I promise."
Well, that was a convincing enough argument for me. I was drunk. It wasn't going to be that hard to convince me to do anything.
"Why do I let you talk me in to these things?" I rolled my eyes.
We pushed the lawnmower out of the garage and a few hundred feet away from the house. When Jacob started it I heard the slamming of a door behind us. Crap, someone had heard us.
"Quick, get on!" Jacob leaped into the seat. I was quick to follow. I noticed an old man, probably around Old Quil's age, racing towards us with a large stick in one hand and a shoe in the other. His tiny little ankle-biter dog was right behind him yipping like crazy.
But it was too late. Jacob hit the gas. The little lawnmower had more power behind it than I realized. We went sailing across the yard.
"You little shits get back here with my lawnmower!"
Jacob and I were in hysterics as we pulled out of the old man's sight. I think he threw the shoe at us. He missed.
Jacob was right. This was fun as hell. We spent at least half an hour joyriding on the lawnmower and looking for Old Quil's cat.
"You see anything?" Jacob asked over the roar of the engine.
I looked around and to my surprise spotted something perched above a street sign. I pointed him in the right direction. At first it looked like a mutated squirrel, but as we got closer I realized that it was a cat.
Jacob turned the engine off and we walked over to the terrified cat.
"How the hell did she get up there?" Jacob was impressed.
The cat had managed to get on top of a street sign. Even more astonishing...she was balancing on the edge of it with no problem.
Jacob was able to coax the cat down.
"Holy crap." Something amused him. I looked to him for an explanation. He busted into laughter, scaring the kitty in his arms.
"What's so funny?" I questioned.
Jacob pointed to the sign. I knew where were. Coho Drive. But when I looked up I noticed that half of the street sign was missing and the half that was left read "Ho Drive."
"Oh, I so have to have that." Jacob laughed. "Here. Hold her." He practically threw the cat at me. She growled in my arms.
"Shut up you crotchety old bitch," I mumbled under my breath.
I watched as Jacob loosened the sign and pulled it down. There was something exciting about this. It was so juvenile, but it was fun because I was still buzzed.
"Heh, check it out, Leah." Jacob snickered as he proudly showed me his new toy.
I rolled my eyes. "You're such a bad boy."
But I couldn't help but laugh as we made our way back to Old Quil's house. I wasn't expecting Jacob to get lost on the way back. I was just focusing on not being torn to shreds by a freaked out cat.
"Do you know where you're going?" I questioned.
"Psh, I'm a werewolf. I have a sixth sense. And right now that sense is telling me…" He looked around, "...that I don't know where the hell we are."
"Maybe you should slow down," I suggested. We were picking up speed going down a hill.
"Uh, slight problem…" Jacob glanced at the gears. Apparently they were stuck. He started wresting with the lawnmower to try and get it to stop.
"Bigger problem." I realized that we were headed straight for the river.
"Oh, shit!" Jacob couldn't get the lawnmower to stop.
It was at this point that the cat started digging her little nails into my back trying to escape what lay ahead of us.
Jacob and I looked at each other as the lawnmower flew towards the river.
"Jump!" he exclaimed.
Just as the front end sunk into the bank and slammed into the river, Jacob and I leaped off of it. We landed in the muddy water just beside the river. The cat was pissed. She looked like a dirty sewer rat.
"You okay?" Jacob questioned.
I rolled over and stared at him for a minute before I busted into laughter. "That was kind of fun."
He stood up and dusted himself off. He was covered in mud. I was, too.
"Yeah, it kind of was."
We stared at the lawnmower stuck in the water. After a while we decided that it was a lost cause and headed back to Old Quil's place with the cat and Jacob's little street sign in tow.
I'm sure I looked like hell, but I really didn't care because tonight had been more fun than I thought it would be.
"You know, this really was fun," he admitted. "Why don't we hang out more often?"
"Because we can't stand each others company unless we're drunk," I responded truthfully.
We reached Old Quil's front door. The cat was almost ready to claw me to death to get back inside. I guess she hadn't had as much fun as Jacob and I.
I heard a noise in the bushes next to the house and took a few steps back. Guess our fun night wasn't over. Something was stalking us. Jacob opened the front door just as the creature leaped out of the bushes on top of him.
"Ah! Get it off!" Jacob exclaimed like a little girl.
Instead of helping him I laughed my ass off because the creature that was attacking him was all of five pounds. It was the little Chihuahua that we had seen when we were stealing the lawnmower earlier.
"Hit him with the ho!" Jacob exclaimed.
I was confused. Had I heard that right?
"Are you calling the cat a ho?" I questioned.
"The street sign." Jacob rolled his eyes.
He pointed to the street sign he'd stolen earlier. I picked it up and swung at the dog. The little sucker was fast. I completely missed him, but I managed to smack Jacob in the knee.
"Damn it!" Jacob yelled.
"Oops." I didn't feel as remorseful as I thought I should. Oh, well.
The dog latched on to his ankle. He tried to shake it off but the little monster had a hell of a grip. Jacob reached inside the door to where he'd stashed his crutches.
"Get off of me."
He swung the crutch at the little demon dog. He missed and stumbled over and fell to the ground. The dog grabbed on to Jake's arm and started tugging roughly on it. Even though it would heal, it hard to hurt like hell to have all those tiny little teeth piercing his skin.
"Come on, cut it out…stupid dog."
Jacob pushed the dog off of him. He stood back up and faced me. I, of course, was still laughing my ass off.
"I thought dog fighting was illegal."
"You aren't helping matters, Leah," he grumbled.
"Why would I help you? This is hilarious!"
"This thing's a freaking piranha." He tried to pry the dog off of his leg once more.
"Oh, come on, he's the size of your little finger." I chuckled. "Kick the damn thing like a football!"
The dog let Jacob go and turned its attention to me. He spotted the cat.
"Oh, hell." I frowned.
The dog came running towards me snapping and jumping up trying to get to Old Quil's cat. Personally, I would put my money of the cat. It was about three times bigger than this little runt. And she was a mean old shit, too.
Fortunately, a noise from behind us startled the little land-shark. It let out a yelp as it tucked its tail and ran the other way.
I started to laugh. "Yeah! You better run! This cat would kick your ass!" I noticed that Jacob wasn't joining in in the laughter.
"Aw, crap…" Jacob frowned.
Charlie's car pulled around the corner. I quickly tossed the cat inside. Jacob hobbled up to shut the front door. He leaned against the crutch and we looked nervously at Charlie.
He glared at us from behind the wheel.
"Do you think he knows about the lawnmower?" Jacob asked quietly.
Charlie sure as hell didn't look happy. I was guessing that Jacob and I were busted.
Neither of us said a word as he slowly walked towards us. He stopped in front of us. I'm sure he was taking in our ragged appearance.
"Heh, hi, Charlie. Lovely evening, isn't it?" Jacob asked nervously. "What brings you back out this way? Leah and I were just leaving…not doing anything that we shouldn't be doing. Certainly not pulling any shenanigans or anything."
"Shut up, you idiot," I mumbled under my breath.
"You kids have a lot of explaining to do." Charlie frowned at us.
I looked at Jacob and he glared back. I had a feeling our truce for the night was over.
"It's all her fault," Jacob said.
"It's his fault!" I disagreed. I frowned. "How is it my fault?"
"You left the door open for the cat to get out."
"You're the one who turned into a boozehound."
"Well, you shirked your responsibilities with…" Jacob had to think about what he was going to say carefully. Charlie didn't know about the werewolves. I grinned smugly at Jake. "You abandoned Sam when he was asking for your help."
My smug grin faded. That sounded really shitty. I would have rather he'd said "You ignored Sam's orders and abandoned the pack tonight." But he couldn't. Not with Charlie around.
I frowned at him and pointed, "Lawnmower."
I didn't have to say another word. Charlie shoved us in the back of his car to take us home...or I had to assume that's where he was taking us.
Jacob whimpered quietly, "I don't want to go to prison. I don't want to become somebody's bitch."
He already was someone's bitch. Bella Swan owned his ass.
I shrugged. I wasn't worried. If I got in trouble it wouldn't be a big deal. I'd been a trouble maker all my life, so there was pretty much no situation that I couldn't handle the outcome of. But sitting here in Charlie's cruiser tonight...wasted out of my brain and listening to him lecture us about teenage safety and…God knows what else...I wasn't really paying attention, I started to think about how pissed my mom was going to be that I'd done this. My mom was not fun to be around when she was pissed.
By the time we pulled into my driveway the nerves had set in. I glanced at my house and then back to Charlie.
"Could you take me to prison, please?" I didn't want to feel my mother's wrath.
He just grinned at me and forced me out of his car. I waved goodbye to Jacob. I guess Charlie was taking him home next.
I stared at my front porch for a minute before I shuffled forward to the door. I put my hand on the handle and let out a sigh. I took a moment to pause and recall the fun events that had happened tonight. I was going to have to hold on to those memories for a while, as I'm sure that my mom wouldn't be letting me do anything even remotely fun for a while.
I left my freedom behind me as I shut the front door to my house.