Okay, work load huge at the moment, so it's a short one, also as i'm only using the uni computer lab at the moment it's difficult to find a quiet time especially when your writing thing's that you don't want people to be reading over your shoulder. Saying that, rated M for sexual situations.

Chapter 41: Physical vs emotional communications

Spock awoke on the morning before the start of the next academic year with a very clear outline in his head of what he needed to accomplish that day. Although he had taken measures before going to Vulcan to ensure he would not get behind in his duties but there were still lecture notes he wished to check and update with new information discovered in the last year. He also wanted to completely rewrite the guest lecture he was giving to the new tech cadets on advanced computer programming, before he had always used his Kobiashu Maru program to illustrate his main points on multiple sequence multiple possibility simulations but he had read a paper handed in by cadet Checkov the previous year and he wanted to quote it.

However as he headed for the shower something was niggling at the back of his mind. He considered it as he bent his head under the teaming water allowing it to stream over the tips of his ears and drip down his face. He watched It pool at his feet for a moment before the familiarity of the sensation finally made itself clear to him. It was weak, much weaker than he was used to, but it was there. The tingling of that link in his mind, she was close. His mind was reacting to the closeness of it's bondmate. Nyota was back at the academy. He shut the water of the shower off wrapped a towel around his waist and stepped in front of the automatic door of the bathroom. He froze as it opened, each millimeter revealing a sliver of red fabric until ti was finally fully opened and Nyota was stood in front of him

Her eyes were wide as they met his , her cheekbones stood out slightly and her dress uniform hung slightly lose on her showing she had lost weight. The slim lines beneath her eyes spoke of weeks of not enough sleep and her slightly limp hair and paler than usual skin showed nutritional deficiencies but still she was extraordinarily beautiful to him. As Spock's mind took all this information in his heartbeat increased and he felt that warm tingling excited but entirely comfortable feeling that he had always associated with seeing Nyota after being apart for a period of time. Then those warm feeling disappeared and were replaced with worry. He had wanted to talk to her, wanted to see her but now he knew how delicate these next few moments between them were going to be. The idea that he could say something wrong and lose her completely again, lose the link as he had feared a few weeks before, it scared him.

" I'm sorry, I tried to ring the bell but the door pad still recognizes me." Nyota said her voice wavering slightly.

" You are always welcome here Nyota."

She looked away from him and shifted her weight from one foot to the other.

" You.. the poem.. It made me think maybe .." She sighed and looked up at him, although he couldn't sense her mind in the way he used to he still knew her and he knew that she was sealing her emotions so she could say or do something that scared her. It was some slim comfort to know that she was as scared as him. She stared directly at him and spoke quickly.

" That maybe you weren't trying to break up with me."

" I don't want to break up with you. I doubt you could ever do anything to make me wish to end our relationship. It is painful to think I almost lost you. "

Nyota stared at him for a long moment her eyes flickering slightly as if she were having an inner debate.

" Almost?" She whispered.

" The link is still there Nyota."

She started shaking her head.

" Let me show you." Spock said taking a step forwards his hand reaching out to her face. She shook her head and turned fro him. He felt a sudden pain in his stomach followed by a wave of nausea at the idea that she didn't want him to touch her and didn't want to re-initiate their bond. He stopped unsure of what to do next.

" It is there." He repeated. He search his mind finding that tingling dim link and considering how to bring it to her attention he tried to remember the feeling he had felt when he had first saw Nyota stood in his apartment then he pushed it towards that link.

Nyota turned towards him her brows slightly lowered with confusion. She met his eyes asking a silent question.

" You feel it now?"

" That is you isn't it?" She said sounding unsure. " It feels like you but it's.."

"It is weak, our minds are distant from each other." Spock explained.

" I felt it burn away." She said sadly.

" It is only blocked by our emotions. I was angry with you, I wished to be distant from you. I did not know that it would block our bond, I did not do it on purpose. I have not heard of this happpeing before."

Nyota stared at him and he felt uncomfortable at her scrutiny in a way he had never done before. Finally she sighed and taking two steps backwards collapsed into her favorite chair burying her face in her hands.

" I was really angry at you when you left, I thought.. I thought lots of things I shouldn't have done."

" As did I. But you are here now."

She looked up at him and he could see her resolve had now failed and a tear was trickling down her face.

" I'm not sure why I came Spock."

" I do not believe you would have come if you were not open to rekindling our link."

" I'm open to talking."

" Communicating is the first step."

" Don't.. Spock don't push me I'm not sure .. I'm not a hundred percent..logical."

Spocks stomach twisted.

" That is a sentiment I understand. I shall not push you any further. I just do not wish to be without you for a moment longer. "

He watched as something in Nyota seemed to break and the tears ran more freely down her face. As her body was wrecked with sobs Spock sat in powerless silence. Then she raised her arms, reaching out for him and happily he pulled her off the seat onto his lap and held her in his arms. He buried his face into her shoulder taking in the familiar but missed scent and softness . In his darkest moments he had thought he would never feel this again. As her tears dripped onto the skin of his back he stroked up and down the soft clothed material on hers.

After what felt like hours but was actually just over ten minutes Nyota seemed to still the hitching in her breath evened out and he got the impression of emotional exhaustion from her.

" I love you." He whispered still afraid of her denying him despite her having held tightly to him and let him comfort her.

" Spock.." She muttered.

He felt her cool palm pushing against his chest and for a moment he felt a great sense of loss, he thought she was denying him but as he closed his eyes tightly with the pain of the thought he felt breath tickling his cheek. Then before he could register what was happening cool soft lips moist with familiar sweetness were placing slow trembling kisses on his. He replied hungrily, desperately, without thought. It was illogical, but as Nyota's fingers ran up and down the tips of his ears and her weight shifted against him all thought went away. His desire rose quickly, intensifying with every small touch and unthinkingly his hands grasped at her thighs moving up under the material of her skirt until it came in contact with the oft white cotton he was familiar with, he peeled it away and within minutes he found himself sinking within the familiar welcoming flesh. Every thrust pried open their link a tiny bit more, allowing Spock the relief of being with his bondmate again physically, mentally and emotionally until they were able to share the intense climatic rush of pleasure together.

He laid quietly with Nyota's weight resting against him listening to the beat of her heart as it slowed back to it's usual pace. But as he came back into himself and became more aware of what was aping he realized that the link was shrinking and no amount of probing would keep it open. It settled just slightly brighter than it had been before she had first kissed him, he was disappointed but it was progress. After Nyota's body had stopped trembling and her breath had evened Spock felt her muscles begin to tense against him. It affected him in kind, he worried that she was feeling regret and that added to the disappointment that he felt that their briefly open bond had closed and a little shame from their illogical emotion filled actions leaving him just as confused as before their quick tryst. Nyota shifted against him, pulling away so that her body was n longer touching his.

" I wanted her." She said sadly.

Spock stilled not even daring to breath to deeply.

" Those last couples of days. I wanted her. I stopped thinking about Star Fleet and I started to see what it would be like to have a child with you. I was going to call you, I was going to ask if I could come back and move in with you like you suggested." She froze and took a deep breath and Spock felt another tear drip onto his chest.

" Then the pains started." She said her voice starting to tremble. " It all happened so quickly at first I told myself it was nothing to worry about, I was so scared I wanted to believe it was nothing to worry about. By the time I knew I had to call a doctor the bleeding had started and I knew there was nothing I could do to stop it, nothing my doctor could have done. He didn't know how to deal with a hybrid. And I thought it must have been my fault because I hadn't wanted her."

" Nyota.." Spock muttered not knowing what to say.

" So I told myself that it was for the best, that I'd have made a dreadful mother and she never would have survived anyways. Just an illness, just an it. Because it was easier to deal with that way, easier than the guilt. Then you came and the look on your face made me feel so much guiltier. She was growing in me but I never really connected, never really sensed her. Not like you had, not like when you had touched my stomach. So I repeated those thing's I was trying to believe." She sat up and looked down at Spock her eyes red and swollen. "I didn't mean them, I didn't Spock.'

He reached up and touched his fingers to her cheek feeling the wetness there, He didn't feel anger at her words, he was glad she had wanted the child, he felt he was more able to connect with her now. Truly felt for the first time since he had felt their bond burn that things could be as they had been before. He wanted to take away the pain, the pain in both of them but he didn't know how. they would have to continue, continue talking, continue comforting each other and hope that eventually it would happen.

" I wanted her… I wanted her."

Spock sat up pulling her close to him again. But she put her hand between her and his chest pushing against him, he felt a flash of confusion and shyness and fear from her. Like the rest of the night he did not know what to say so he allowed their to be an awkward silence between them as Nyota stood up and started to fix her clothing.

" I.. Um, Gaila gets here in an hour. " She gestured to his door. " I'm, I'm going to go clean up."

" Nyota… please can we .." He searched his English vocabulary for the phrase Terrans commonly used " Can we start again?" He begged her.
She froze staring at the floor, Spock could hear her heartbeat increase.

" I don't know." She said quietly. " I can't think straight." She said holding her hand up to her forehead.

" Will you come here for dinner tomorrow?"

" No." She said after a moment, to Spock the words felt like a kick to his heart. He felt defeated and lost.

Nyota meet his eyes for a moment and then glanced down.

" Lunch perhaps, on campus." She suggest sending him a life raft.

He nodded not trusting himself to answer, he was so emotional so illogical. She was keeping him distant, they would not be able to discuss important matters but at least they would be together. She nervously bit her lip.

" Yes. Lunch." Spock answered.

Well, I hope you forgive that it's short and rushed seeing as the alternative was not updating for at least another two weeks. Free time is a rarity at the moment and free time in which I can access a computer even more so.