Notes: Once again, I would love to thank Kira Tamarion for beta-reading this fic. She is one awesome beta-reader! XD

Warnings: This story contains YAOI/SLASH (Male on Male relationships) This story contains triggers for people who are abused (Sexually, physically, emotionally). If you are uneasy about these kind of contents, I suggest to stop reading. This story will also contain (possibly in the future) mentions and/or actual abuse. If you are uneasy about that as well, I suggest to stop reading. This story isn't for the faint of heart and the tone will be darker later on.

Enjoy.

Blizzard

Chapter Three

His morning shifts are in the Halls, on the second floor near the storerooms and the laboratory. He sees knights, apprentices, enchanters, senior enchanters, and Irving and Greagoir come and go. For now, his shift is nearing its end and he would be making his way to the Dining Hall.

It's been a week since Cullen talked to Maura about Lirenel's eating habits, however he did see the elf sneaking into the kitchens when he would head to the Dining Hall for his afternoon shifts. The gauntness in Surana's cheeks is slowly fading, and Cullen is already optimistic about that progress. That relieved him, but he can't shake the feeling that something is wrong about the situation.

He did talk to Maura about it. Now he wants to forget it.

Ever since the knight told Amell about Lirenel's avoidance of food, she had been 'nudging' him to court Lirenel. She pestered him about Lirenel for days, their topics stayed on that and Cullen could only sigh in exasperation when he told tell her it's nothing like what she thinks. Maura only smiled and told him that he's still in denial and he will 'come around it soon enough'.

Women.

Shaking his head, Cullen thought of the mage that loves making escape attempts. His solitary confinement was cut short due to good behavior. However, Greagoir had been looking at the mage suspiciously, waiting for another attempt. Should that mage escape again, he would put to a year-long solitary confinement in his old cell.

Cullen frowned. That seems… a little cruel. No, that is cruel. Didn't the Chantry forbid slavery and ill treatment of other people? Then why do mages…

The templar shook his head; the Chantry must have its reasons. It was proven time and again. Their methodology for protecting the mages isn't questioned. Mages are in constant danger, and it's the Order's job to protect them, and others.

But outright cruelty and labeling mages as monsters, waiting to be unleashed, seems… extreme.

His next shift begins in twelve bells, and he still has approximately an hour to go. Cullen shifted a bit when the hall cleared out.

No one present except him and fellow templars. The mages are probably in the library, in classes, at the laboratory, or the dining hall.

When a flash of blonde hair entered Cullen's field of vision, his gaze instinctively followed it. He wanted to sigh when he found out it was only another apprentice; a human apprentice.

Now Cullen wanted to smack his forehead on the wall again. He doesn't really have a to be disappointed that it wasn't a blonde haired elf that passed by, now does he?

Does he really?

His head throbbed with the beginnings of a headache. It now looked complicated, and Cullen wondered if the lyrium finally fried his brain.

He can't possible have a crush on… a boy. Shouldn't men be attracted to women? Besides, he took a vow of chastity; Cullen can't possibly entertain this…. Crush or desire. Whatever it is.

The thought of Lirenel kissing another apprentice flashed in Cullen's head, he was suddenly alarmed and scared. That doesn't look right to him at all!

Maker, he doesn't know what to do. Is that why he can't talk to Lirenel without making a fool out of himself? Is that also why he cares so much?

He can't really entertain this. Greagoir would be disappointed, and so would be the other templars. Mages and templars aren't even supposed to be friends! Guilt wrenched Cullen.

He shouldn't even be friends with Maura, but he is. He shouldn't even have a crush on Lirenel Surana…

But he does.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-

He bumped to someone while leaving the dining hall.

Alarm bells began to ring inside Cullen's head, and the urge to run and hide was the first to come in mind.

'Do not falter,' Cullen reminded himself. He forced to meet the victim's gaze and smiled.

His smile looks like a pained wince.

"I'm sorry about that, I… er… Here! Let me help!" Cullen wanted to bash his head on a nearby wall. Why can't he talk like a decent, polite, and charming Templar?

"That's okay." Lirenel's tone is flat; Cullen really shouldn't be surprised.

The knight picked up the heap of books and parchments Lirenel dropped and balanced them in his hands. Lirenel frowned, his eyebrows were furrowed together, and his ears twitched. "You don't have to carry all of them," he said. Confusion is evident in his tone.

Cullen smiled at him, it looked nervous. "It's alright. I… er… bumped into you. So it's my fault, really! I should help." His communication skills are still a wreck, but he is working on it.

Surana's frown deepened, but he made no more protests. "I'm going back to the dormitories. Will you really carry these for me?"

"It's no problem at all." Cullen gave himself a mental pat on the back. "Besides, my next shift starts in an hour, so I'm not immediately needed somewhere." He didn't stammer. That's good.

The elf nodded and let Cullen lead the way. He kept quiet while they walked, but Cullen doesn't like the awkward silence. He is going to make an effort this time, and talk to this lonely elf.

Personal questions would be creepy, Cullen decided. So he asked something simple, one he is sure that it won't be controversial for either side. He isn't trying to chase Lirenel away now, does he?

"So, how did you meet Maura?" That is a good enough question. They both know Maura, and they both know the other is friends with her. A common ground to start with then.

"Herbalism lesson." Cullen schooled his features into a blank expression.

That wasn't very insightful, but a short answer is better than no-answer at all.

"Oh. How old were you then?"

"Eight."

"I see."

Moments passed and Cullen kept on asking questions he guessed were not too personal. Lirenel would reply in short and terse answers at first, but Cullen wouldn't stop pestering him so the elf indulged the knight every now and then with longer answers. When Cullen would ask something that Lirenel isn't very comfortable with, he would tell only tell Cullen it was none of his business. Cullen wouldn't pry if Lirenel replies like that, so he moves on to another question instead.

Soon enough, Lirenel began to ask questions as well.

"How did you meet Maura?" Cullen smiled, and he let himself lose in the memories of meeting Maura Amell.

"I bumped to her on the way to the library. Then we would bump to each other every now and then. We talked, and we still do, but it's mostly about other mages and templars. Sometimes, we talk about the Tower, Ferelden, Andraste, the Chantry, and other things. That was a year and a half ago I think." Cullen wanted to stroke his stubble in thought, but his hands are full.

"You like her then?"

"Yes."

"Ah, so you're together then."

Cullen almost tripped, the image of him kissing Maura popped into his head. It looks so wrong and awkward in his head, and definitely will never happen any time in the future. Unable to stop himself, Cullen suddenly burst out laughing, but he quickly regained his balance and smothered his humor. "No! It's nothing like that. We're just friends. I… We're just good friends, I don't see her that way."

Lirenel quickly halted, and so did Cullen. The elf was staring at him the same way as he did when he first met him. Surana looked at Cullen head to toe then shook his head. "I see… Well, both of you were close, so I had assumed that– "

"We're together? Maker no! She's a lot like a sister to me." Thinking about it, Cullen knew his words to be true. He just can't see Maura as someone he would have a relationship with. They have many similarities, true, but she reminded Cullen more of his family than anything else.

Cold began to seep into his stomach at the thought of his family. A frown suddenly etched on his face and Lirenel's eyes widened a bit.

"Did I say something wrong?" Cullen shook his head.

"It's nothing… I just… Well… It's alright, we should go on."

Cullen reminded himself that when he gets back to his room after his last shift, Cullen should send a letter to his family to tell them he misses them.

Especially his sister.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Before the two could arrive at the dormitories, Cullen realized that this is where his next shift should start. Both hid in a corner when more templars came into sight. Cullen returned Lirenel's items and the elf left quickly, Cullen followed a minute later.

When he arrived back at the dormitories, five bells already rang and his next shift was about to begin. He saw Lirenel opening a chest in front of one of the bunks close to the wall next to the door . The elf was organizing his notes and keeping the ones he seemed to not need inside the chest.

When Lirenel saw Cullen enter, the elf gave the older man a raised eyebrow. Cullen subtly replied by pointing his finger at one of the templars ready to leave guard. Lirenel then shrugged and grabbed a robe and other unmentionables from his chest and hurried to the chambers.

Cullen quickly relieved one of the templars of their position, and stood guard. However, his mind wasn't focused on his duty. Instead, Cullen found himself focusing on an image that popped into his when he saw Lirenel taking out another robe.

Heat rose up in his cheeks at the thought, and he found himself not hating it. In fact, it felt… nice.

The image of pale and flawless skin, wet and flushed. Pale lips slightly parted and dainty hands explored a delicate torso. Blonde hair messed and blue eyes a little glazed. Dainty feet resting on the edge of the tub, knees drawn up and the water can barely cover a—

Blood rushed to Cullen's cheeks, and sweat formed in his forehead. Heat pooled at the pit of his stomach and it reached lower, and lower, and lower and he felt it rise and throb in anticipation. He couldn't quite complete the image in his head. However, Cullen is afraid that once he does, he won't be having a good night's sleep.

Since elves doesn't seem to grow hair anywhere else other than their lashes, head, and brows, Cullen wondered if they have hair on their—No! No! No! Not now, he is still on duty!

He suddenly wanted to sigh miserably; the image of Lirenel taking a bath burned a picture in his head.

If he ever tells that to Greagoir or to the Revered Mother, they would both be horrified and call him dirty. However, knowing a few other… open mages and templars here and there, they would have called it mild.

Still, Cullen can't help but feel guilty for thinking about Lirenel in that way.

Though, he still has other things to ponder. With that, he felt the heat in his stomach cool down, but it was a little painful and sudden. Cullen felt as if ice-cold water was doused on him and he knows that he needs to face what he feels.

For one, he could now see that he does like Lirenel Surana.

Now that he thought about it, it felt… good, as if a weight was lifted and his mind cleared. Then a new weight settled and a different kind of confusion took its' place. For one, now that Cullen is aware that he has a crush on the elf, he has no idea how to interact like a normal person and, theoretically make his feelings on the situation apparent. He would not know how his peers and Lirenel's peers would react. And, he has no idea what he could possibly want from Lirenel.

Sex? Attention? Love?

Cullen isn't sure, and he is afraid to find that out. However, that doesn't mean he will not try.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Who knew even men take hour-long baths? By the time Lirenel stepped out of the chambers, four hours already passed.

What Cullen hated the most about his night shifts is this: he sleeps only a few hours after midnight. The only upside is that his morning shifts begin at the ninth hour, but the late-night sleeping routine is a nightmare. However, Cullen would doze off a bit when he is sure that the night is high and snores from the apprentices would fill the hall. Other than that, Cullen is still adjusting to his shift.

Lirenel stepped outside the bathing chambers, dressed only in sleeping robes, the robe he wore for the day and small clothes were all folded neatly in a laundry basket. Cullen's mouth felt dry, and he could hear his heart thumping inside his armor. The armor had never been this hot, and Cullen could feel blood rushing to his cheeks and down below his belt.

Tearing his gaze away, Cullen decided to stare at the doors instead. Yet in his field of vision, he can see the blonde haired elf picking up his reading materials and piling them on his bed. The lights were on until the tenth bell, and when the whole tower darkened, Lirenel returned his books to his chest.

So Cullen stood vigilant, his eyes never away from the mages. Snores began to fill the room, and much to Cullen's horror, a few templars took this as their chance to catch on to their sleep.

'Looks like I'm not the only one,' he thought, shaking his head.

Then there was shifting, but Cullen couldn't make out who or what it is. The quarters are dark, the windows are closed around eight because icy drafts would enter the room. A few years back, complaints like that piled up in Irving's office until it was decided to just close the windows. No one complained about the temperature after that.

Letting his eyes adjust to the darkness, Cullen could see the shifting came from Surana's bed. Cullen was about to call the attention of the other five templars on guard with him, but a sudden wave of sleepiness hit him. He raised his hands to cleanse the area, but the sleepiness pervaded. His whole body relaxed and sleep is becoming more and more of a good idea.

Rest, you deserve it…

He sure does. He can look forward to meeting Lirenel in the morn—

Cullen's eyes snapped open, the dormitories are still flooded in darkness, and then three bells rang. Mages would sometimes use sleeping draughts or spells to keep them from waking up when the tower's bells would ring. His fellow templars were dozing as well.

Alarmed, Cullen grabbed a candle from one of the drawers, stumbling as he did so, and lit it. He quickly raised it and subtly made his way to Lirenel's bed. The apprentice lied there, curled in a fetal position, his expression was stressed, and his forehead was lined with sweat. His breathing was ragged, and Lirenel must have kicked off his blankets sometime earlier, and now they were beside his chest on the floor. His robes were pulling up, displaying a bit of his legs for anyone awake to see.

Cullen blushed, his gaze began from the tip of the elf's toes, then to his ankles, then to his pale and supple legs, then to his light sleeping robe, then to his huddled shoulders, then to both hands on top of his pillow, and then to Lirenel's stressed face. His brows were furrowed, his mouth was set into a deep frown, and unshed tears glistened in his lashes. Surana was shivering and huddled closer into himself for comfort. Cullen frowned.

Nightmares are more common to mages due to their ability to be awake in the Fade. Mages with nightmares become much more open to demons, and they are in great danger of possession. Cullen hopes that Lirenel will stay strong.

Cullen turned the light of his candle off and placed it on Lirenel's chest, and then picked up Lirenel's blanket. He draped it over Lirenel, the shivering stopped, but the elf still is uneasy in his sleep. Even if the hall is now shrouded in darkness, Cullen can still see the area around Lirenel's bed.

Lirenel whimpered and a few droplets of tears trailed down to the side of his face. Cullen breathed deeply; he wiped the tears off with his thumb. The elf whimpered and curled into himself. Cullen's heart felt heavy and pity settled at the deep in his gut.

Offering a bit of comfort to the apprentice, Cullen sat on the edge of the elf's bed and squeezed one of his hands. He frowned, the apprentice was just so cold, icy even. Cullen's hands were warm, thanks to his gloves. With that bit of warmth, the templar shared it with the cold mage.

Cullen stayed like that for a few more moments, one hand held Lirenel's in comfort, and the other brushed his hair. Soon enough, the frown on the mage's face eased and the lines on his face melted away. The gauntness isn't present anymore, and now that his duress is over, the apprentice looks younger now that the stress is gone on his face. There was a softness to his face that Cullen found endearing.

'He looks innocent in his sleep,' Cullen thought. He didn't want to leave so soon, now that he can enjoy this silent act of offering comfort.

However, he still has duties as a templar that needs to be attended, and his fellow knights will not want him associating with mages.

Sighing, Cullen reluctantly let go of Lirenel's hand and with great effort, stood up from his bed. He didn't know how long he stayed by Lirenel's side, but he found himself wanting for more time together.

When Cullen left the dormitories, it was with a heavy heart yet with a great sense of contentment.

When he offered comfort to the elf, it was very enlightening. There was joy to seeing the distress on Lirenel's face melt away into peace, made him happy. Surana doesn't smile, Cullen noted long ago ever since he met Lirenel. The apprentice usually has a scowl or a forced blank expression on his face whenever he sees him. When he saw the peace take them away, the knight wondered what would it be like to see the elf smile.

Cullen didn't find the idea bad at all.

When he returned to his dormitories that night, Cullen slept with peace and a renewed sense of determination to find more about Lirenel Surana.