Short chapter, I know, but I quite liked the ending where it is and I couldn't think of anything to put in the middle of the chapter. Plus it's like 2am in the morning and I want sleep.

Disclaimer: Merlin ends on Monday I am so not ready for it

Accepting that he needs help is harder than actually getting it. Sure, he's looked up psychiatrists and self-help and tried to tell himself over and over again that she's not real. If he doesn't believe in her then she'll go away. He should have known that it wouldn't be that easy. Kate is stubborn, and he knows she won't go away without a fight, whether she's real or not. And it's like she knows what he's trying to do. She hovers more, is in his bed every night, and he knows she doesn't sleep. Knows the hours are spent lying there and staring at him. During the day, when he's trying to live his life as normally as he possibly could she curls up in an armchair, her eyes unfocused but still moving in his direction. It's like she's a couple of seconds behind, looking where he has been and not where he is.

He spends the days trying to devour one book after another, as if losing himself in somebody else's world would help him ignore his own. It works, for a while. Tolkien, Rowling, Green, Clare, Lewis, he turns their pages in some of frantic energy, eyes rushing back and forth over the sentences. And when he looks up, maybe she's a little bit paler, a little less there, but just as present. And of course, now he's recognised her presence it doesn't take long for her to become solid again.

Some days it fails spectacularly. Some days he spends wrapped in his comforter and his sheets, foetal on his bed, the world around him dark because he can't bear the sight of her, the way her eyes are full of sorrow, for him and for her, the shadows her cheekbones cast against her skin and her hair like a halo around her head, dark against the white sheets of his bed. She doesn't try to touch him, not anymore. She's real enough to notice when he flinches, real enough to understand that this is hurting him even though there's nothing he can do about it. Nothing she can do either. It's his mind that's dreaming her up. His mind that's keeping her here.

It's during one of these periods when Alexis finds him. He knows she's been worried sick about him, has had too much work to do for college to be there consistently for him, and he'd never ask her to put his life ahead of hers. He knows he's not been eating well. It's obvious. His shirts are baggy and none of his trousers will stay up without a belt anymore. But he's not hungry. He's rarely hungry.

"Dad?" Her voice is muffled from inside his cocoon, and it takes him a few seconds for him to steel himself to shift the blankets so he can actually look at his daughter. "Dad… how long have you been lying there?"

Castle shrugs. He genuinely doesn't know. Time has this habit of going really quickly, or really slowly, days and nights and minutes and hours all blurring together into a never ending moment of pure gut wrenching grief. By the feel of the stubble on his chin, maybe a day and a half has passed since he stumbled in here. He didn't even kick his shoes off, is slowly coming aware of the cramped feel of his toes.

"Dad – you need to get out of bed."

He shakes his head violently, but the lack of food and drink has made him light headed and the room spins unpleasantly. "Can't."

"She's … Kate's not here."

"You can't see her." He moaned, pulling his knee's further up his chest. "She's there. I know she is."

"You're not looking." Alexis admonishes , crouching down next to the bed.

"I can feel her." He mumbles in retaliation. "Alexis, I-"

"Dad, I know this is hard. I know. I miss Kate too. But you need to stop festering. Kate wouldn't want you to be like this."

"You don't think I know that?" he snaps, glaring at her. "You don't think I want to spend my time like this?" Alexis closed her eyes and looked down at the ground, chewed on her bottom lip. "Alexis, I didn't – I'm sorry."

"It's okay. I understand." She smiles at him, the edges a little watery, but it's a smile and he'll take it. "At least have a shave. Get in the shower."

He huffs at her, but she knows him well enough to know that he's not really annoyed. "Make me some coffee?" he pleads, making his eyes go as big and as wide as is physically possible. Oh, he's always been good at the puppy dog look.

Alexis narrows her eyes at him, and he knows he's got her caught. "Only if you shower."

"I will, I will. I'll be out in a few minutes."

Alexis leaves him with her hand on his shoulder, giving it a light squeeze as she passes. He waits until she's gone before he throws back the covers. He doesn't look to see if she's there. Daren't let himself crawl back into bed and ignore her. If he doesn't look she's not there. He stumbles through his bathroom with his eyes still closed, knows it well enough that he manages it with only a stubbed down on the cabinet. The shower itself is easy enough, though he may have used the shower gel as shampoo and vice versa, but it doesn't make much of a difference. Shaving, on the other hand, is hard to do with both eyes open, let alone none. He tries to squint, messes it up on occasions, but all in all, he thinks he's done an alright kind of job. There's a patch under his chin that he's missed entirely, and he's cut himself more often than not, but whatever. He can live. His daughter has seen worse.

He even gets dressed. It's only an old pair of jeans and a v-neck jumper, but he's dressed and he feels okay? He's still scared to turn around, still scared of catching her eye when he's not expecting it, but if he focuses on Alexis then it seems to lessen slightly, that feeling of hard, twisting panic in his stomach.

"Coffee's by the phone," Alexis tells him as she's got her head in the fridge. "You want an omelette? The eggs need eating."

He surprises himself when his stomach gives a happy gurgle, pleased with the prospect of food. "Yeah. Omelette sounds nice."

"Good. Can you pass me the frying pan?"

"Hey, Dad, I was wondering." Castle looks up from his almost empty plate to his daughter on the opposite side of the table, omelette finished long ago. "Do you want me to move back here? I mean, I know I'm here for Christmas and Thanksgiving and things, but I don't mind coming back if you need me. I worry about you. Grams is off doing her own thing, and I'm at college and work, and I was just… wondering. If having somebody around the house would help. I mean, now, you're eating and you don't seem to be that worried and you don't keep looking around trying to work out where Kate… is, and… you just seem a lot better."

"Alexis - I don't want to be a burden. You have your own life, and you shouldn't have to be the one to deal with my problems."

Alexis shakes her head and pushes her plate away. "Dad, this is one problem that I cannot help you solve. But… I can be here to keep you busy, and distracted and fed. That's what you need. You need to get back to living your life, and maybe if Kate see's that then she won't be here anymore."

"I'm… scared." He sighed. "I'm scared she'll think I'm giving up on her."

"Kate's gone. She's gone, and this version of her that you're imagining isn't real. You fought tooth and nail to get them to stop turning the life support off. If Kate was in there, she knew you weren't giving up. She's always known that you'd never give up on her."

"Why do you always have to be right?"

"One of us has to be. I have work in for tomorrow and a shift at the morgue after, but the day after tomorrow, I'll bring all my stuff back. You don't have to help, if you don't feel up to going outside. I know there's reporters still after you."

"I'll have a think about it."

"Great." She grinned. "Have you finished with your omelette?"

He finishes it off with a couple more large bites, shoves the plate across to her and smiles, the food still in his mouth. "Gross, Dad. You look like a hamster."