Sigh, will I ever be able to finish this in peace? There's only about six chapters (multiple epilogues included) and my computers broken (again) though I have a laptop it doesn't like the internet, or d.v.d's so some of this is written without. Anyhow, on with the show..

Annoyance, anger, agony.

Spock felt the insistent tingling in the back of his mind again. Nyota, she was trying to communicate with him despite the fact that he had set up a barrier from her. She seemed to be desperate to talk to him though. The bridge was buzzing with movement as the final steps were taken to repair the radiation leaks and to make sure that those ships from Vulcan that were not worthy of the journey back to Earth were going to be towed. It had been half an hour since Kurt had left the ship, things were moving more slowly than Spock had wished but he knew that the crew was working at full capacity. He was just unable to concentrate fully when they were here, 0.2 of a light-year from the black hole where Vulcan his home planet had been.

My apologies Nyota.

Spock, Kipenzi, are you okay?

Are you okay, such a Human question. It's the type of thing his mother would ask him. Are you okay? My planet was destroyed, my mother is dead, my best friend is missing possibly dead and I am captain of a ship that expects me to do what is best for them and for the federation on whole but there is a mad man from the future who will not be content until he destroys Earth and takes down the federation and I cannot order an attack because he will destroy the ship.

Kipenzi, my love, I am here.

I know you are Nyota, and it is more of a comfort than you will ever know.

Spock, do I want to know the chances of Earth survival?

The variables are to complex. How are the ships from Vulcan faring?

They have managed to organize themselves. The radiation leaks are now mended.

"Thank you lieutenant."

Spock did not notice the confused looks between some of his bridge crew. Spock pressed the com button on his chair.

"Engineering? Is the Enterprise stable enough for prolonged warp?"

"Yes Sir."

"Thank you lieutenant."

Spock closed of the com link.

"Lieutenant Jackson, have you got the co-ordinance for the Laurentian system programmed?"

"Yes sir."

"Mr. Sulu, slow increase to max warp."

"Yes sir."

There was the slight jolting sensation as the ship entered warp.

"lieutenant Uhura, could you please call Doctor McCoy?"

"Yes Sir."

McCoy?

He is very Human.

He felt rather than heard the question.

Kirk was his friend, the last thing I need is for another officer to be against me. He is well liked by the crew and I could use his help, I believe that simply approaching him on the subject of Kirk could.. mend bridges and stop the development of negative emotions towards me. It is what Christopher would do.

"Warp three, sir. " Sulu said loudly.

" Course one-five-one-mark-three, Laurentian system, sir." Chekov followed.

"Thank you, gentlemen."

The turbo lift doors slide open. Spock glanced around to see McCoy walk onto the bridge. He had not excepted the man to be that quick. He quickly looked him over seeing his stiff closed of body language. He was angry and stressed. Spock would have to be careful.

"You wanted to see me?" McCoy said from the turbo lift door.

"Yes Doctor." Spock said standing up and walking over to join him. "I am aware that James Kirk is a friend of yours. I recognize that supporting me as you did must have been difficult." Spock had already considered this speech, McCoy had not made an open statement of his support to Spock but he had seemed to disagree with Kirk's actions and had not gotten in the way when Spock had decided to have him transported off the ship.

"Is that a thank you? "

After seven years Humans could still be confusing at times. They were on a star fleet vessel. He was acting captain, he did not need to thank anybody for following his orders they should simply do so anyways.

"I am simply acknowledging your difficulties."

" Permission to speak freely, sir. "

" I welcome it."

" Do you? Okay, then. Are you out of your Vulcan mind? Are you making the logical choice, sending Kirk away? Probably, but the right one? You know, back home we got a saying, "If you're gonna ride in the Kentucky Derby, you don't leave your prize stallion in the stable."

McCoy showed signs of aggression but Spock knew the man well enough to know that he was not a man of violence. It was obvious that not arguing Spock's decision to send Kirk away was played upon his mind. Humans were always so loyal, even at times when it seemed illogical to be so. Spock knew McCoy was right, he knew that Kirk's tests results were some of the best. He had taken more modules than his counterparts and Chris obviously saw some kind of greatness in him. But he was disobedient, he seemed to have little control over his emotions, he had no respect for rules, and he was arrogant. A mix that was full of potential danger not just in his own life but if given any high position within the fleet could led to the lack of lives.

"A curious metaphor, Doctor, as a stallion must first be broken before it can reach its potential."

"My god, man. You could at least act like it was a hard decision."

" I intend to assist in the effort to reestablish communication with Starfleet. However, if crew morale was better served by my roaming the halls weeping, I will gladly defer to your medical expertise."

Spock could hear the bitterness in his voice. He wished he could weep, to not weep for his mother the woman whom he had loved so dearly seemed wrong. If she were to somehow know what was going on now would it upset her to know that he could not weep? He tried to tell himself it was that he had to manage the Enterprise but it was not. Even if he had no responsibility in the world he would not be able to weep. All this pain and he would never be able to show it. He had always felt too human but on this occasion, he just felt to Vulcan. As if he knew his thoughts his father appeared on the ridge at that moment.

""Excuse me." Spock said to go see his father.

"Green-blooded hobgoblin." Spock heard whispered over his shoulder.

"Father." Spock said approaching him. He did not know how to talk to his father, they had grown closer in the last two years but today when he looked at him he once again saw the stern unmoving man of his childhood. He knew his father must have felt the end of his bond with his mother. Spock felt sick just thinking about his bond with Nyota coming to an end, he felt extreme pain over the death of his mother and part of him wondered if this unmoving man in front of him felt a similar pain but at the same time he was reminded of a question he had asked as a child.

"You expect me to be fully Vulcan and yet you married a Human?"

"Marrying your mother was logical."

Logical, it was the last word that he would apply to his relationship with Nyota, In fact it had defied logic at every turn, it was love, the ability to experience which he had inherited from his mother. Sarek was not heartbroken because he had never loved Spock's mother.

"The ship seems to be running well." Sarek folded his hands behind his back and glanced around the room.

"The crew is well trained; they are proving themselves worthy of their positions."

"I came to inquire as to the current course of action, I do not know if my security clearance."

"It is sufficient; we are currently heading towards the Laurentian system at warp three. We will rendezvous with the rest of the fleet and strategize how to defend Earth."

Sarek nodded his head slowly.

" A command decision."

"Made by Captain Pike before my taking over of the ship."

"You choose not to over rule it."

"I know I am within the rights of the position to do so but I can think of no better alternative, to fight would be to lose the ship."

"Yes, it seems that way." Sarek agreed.

"Father, my quarters are on E deck if you require a place to mediate, they have not yet been fitted but they should be quiet."

"I thank you Spock, I shall make use of them at my usual time. For now, may I remain on bridge? The elders wish to be kept aware of any changes of plan that may affect the survivors of Vulcan. They put this in my hands."

"You are more aware of fleet rules. You are welcome to observe."

"I shall do only that."

"Captain Spock, detecting unauthorized access to water turbine control board." Chekov said.

That's strange, Spock thought. Could be a simple malfunction, the ship was new after all. Or it could be somebody tampering with the ship suggesting a Romulan stowaway or a spy.

"Bring up the video."

On the screen in front of him a security video appeared. Spock suppressed a wave of shock as he saw Kirk and another unidentified man in the turbine room, Kirk was helping the man up from the drenched floor.

Spock pressed his com button.

"Security, seal the engineering deck. We have intruders in turbine section three. Set phasers to stun."

How did Kirk get back on the ship? He had been assured of his departure. And what was he doing here? Was he determined to raise a mutiny (for some reason Spock doubted it) the idea that he may be a Romulan spy was also unlikely. Perhaps there were unknown factors. He glanced around the bridge McCoy, the expression on his face read as equal confusion. He obviously had not part of this. He stared down at Sulu and Chekov who seemed to be looking at him waiting for some instruction.

"Keep course."

"Ensign." Spock said approaching one of the bridge monitoring stations. "Have you detected any ships in our warp stream?"

"No sir."

"Any disruptions to our shielding?"

"No sir. Only.." The ensign liked his lips nervously.

"Only what Ensign?"

"There was the slightest of energy surges in that area though I cannot track it down to any specific form of energy and it does not seem to have come from any of the Enterprise equipment sir."

"Thank you Ensign."

A transporter beam would cause a sudden unidentifiable energy surge. Yet they were traveling at warp speed and transport beams were only considered safe when beaming to an unmoving target from a distance of no more than one hundred miles.

Spock turned when he heard the turbo doors slide open. Sure enough it was Kirk who was being accompanied by the security guards. He was sporting a few cuts and grazes since the last time he had saw him less than an hour previously and an unknown man who seemed to be soaked through as if he had jumped into a swimming pool fully clothed. Spock focused on the second man.

"Who are you?"

"I'm with him."

An obvious and uninformative answer.

" He's with me." Kirk confirmed, he's body language confrontational.

An unnecessary confirmation Spock thought. This conversation was not going to be easy.

"We're travelling at warp speed. How did you manage to beam aboard this ship? "

"You're the genius, you figure it out" Kurt said.

Spock felt his muscles tensing, he could not figure it out, no experiments had been done on transporting into a warp field, it would be dangerous bordering on insanity. Then again, with Kirk that didn't really rule it out. The answer could be that they were using future technology, technology found upon the Romulan ship, still he did not believe that Kirk was on the side of the Romaulans. It made no sense, Kirk believed that this man had been responsible for his fathers death and Chris trusted him.

" As Acting Captain of this vessel, I order you to answer the question."

"Well I'm not telling, Acting Captain. What di... What, now, that doesn't frustrate you, does it? My lack of cooperation. That, that doesn't make you angry. "

Spock knew Kirk was trying to rattle him. He knew this and yet he could not help but be angry. He could not help but feel a deep distaste for this man. All animals have a point where they can no longer continue experiencing emotional stress with out the fight or flight syndrome kicking in and though a Vulcan Spock was also just an animal. He was very aware of the trembling in his tense muscles, the anger so near the front of his mind. The multiple cracks already in his defenses were crumbling to the point of callapse. He looked over the second man, he was not in uniform but the coats looked similar to those provided by Star Fleet for extreme cold weather.

"Are you a member of Starfleet?"

"I.. um.. yes. Can I get a towel, please? "

"Under penalty of court martial, I order you to explain to me how you were able to beam aboard this ship while moving at warp."

" Well... "

"Don't answer him." Kirk said.

"You will answer me."

The man looked from Spock to Kirk and back again nervously.

"I'd rather not take sides".

Spock felt those walls crumble even more. How did this man disobey him when under threat of court marshal? How was it he was willing to side with Kirk?

" What is it with you, Spock? Hmm? Your planet was just destroyed, your mother murdered, and you're not even upset. "

Why point out his recent traumas? Why try to make him emotional. Kirk was second in command, he wanted control of the ship, he could only take control if Spock himself was unable to command. If he was affected by his emotional state to the extent that it would drastically change the decisions he made on the running of the ship.

"If you're presuming that these experiences in any way impede my ability to command this ship, you are mistaken."

"And yet you were the one who said fear was necessary for command. Did you see his ship? Do you see what he did? "

"Yes, of course I did."

The planet had collapsed around him. His home world, the familiar mountains of his youth had split apart in front of his eyes. He had seen his mother fall with one, the katric arc and he had seen that big black hole surrounded by the debris that was all that was left of an ancient planet

.

"So, are you afraid or aren't you? "

Yes his mind practically screamed at him. But what did it matter, fear just got in the way. He had to hold it back, had to hold all the emotions back if he was going to manage.

"I will not allow you to lecture me about the merits of emotion."

"Then why don't you stop me. "

Kirk stepped forwards his nose inches away from his. It was like he was daring him to hit him.

"Step away from me, Mister... "

" What is it like not to feel anger or heartbreak or the need to stop at nothing to avenge the death of the woman who gave birth to you?"

He felt both, they were taking him over. They were swirling around him. The room around him didn't seem to be there anymore, he saw his mother, he saw the look in her eyes as she turned to look at him knowing she was going to die. He was angry, he was angry at Nero, he was angry at himself he could have saved her so easily, his anger wanted a target. It wanted to take over his body; it wanted the ancient fires to move, to attack, to kill.

" Back away from me... "

"You feel nothing! It must not even compute for you! You never loved her!"

The walls broke. His vision blurred. There was a roaring in his ears that took over his mind. He saw Kirk in front of him. Felt the pain radiate through his fists and saw him fall. His head pounded, he grabbed Kirk. Another hit, his body found it so pleasurable, flesh contacting flesh. Fear, did Kirk want to know what it was to be afraid? His limbs moved without conscious thought. Kirk was below him, his hands were clasped around his throat. Kirk would know fear, Kirk would know the fear that his mother had felt just before she died.

"Spock! " His father voice barely reached his mind.

SPOCK,NO!

Nyota's voice was almost fearful but he could feel her in his mind, that burning bright connection trying to soothe him. He felt the anger beguiling to burn itself out, beginning to become under his control again. He let go of Kirk and straightened he felt his chest ache as he gasped for breath. He turned to look towards Nyota stood a little way away from his father. She was wide eyed, mouth slightly parted, she was looking at him as if she wasn't sure how to act towards him. She was shocked, maybe a little afraid of him. It was this more than anything that shamed him. He had been emotionally compromised; he had thought himself capable of handling this. Had all his decisions been marred? And now what would Kirk do? Now that according to Fleet rules Spock would have to stand down.

"I am no longer fit for duty. I hereby relinquish my command, based on the fact that I have been emotionally compromised. Please note the time and date in the ship's log. "

Spock left the bridge. He was not allowed there anymore. He had failed them all. He had failed Christopher and his father and his mother who had always believed so much in him and Nyota who was strong but needed him to be strong as well. As he walked down the corridor he heard Kirk's voice over the com system.
"

Mister Spock has resigned commission and advanced me to Acting Captain. I know you were all expecting to regroup with fleet, but I'm ordering a pursuit course of the enemy ship to Earth. I want all departments at battle stations and ready in ten minutes. Either we're going down, or they are. Kirk out."

It will be the former Mr. Kirk Spock said silently to himself.

Spock walked without knowing where he was going. If he had thought about it he would have headed to his room to meditate and regain control over his emotions. As it was he could only feel the tension in his limbs the fast beating of his heart the raggedness of his breath. There were more emotions than he had felt since infancy and he was drowning in them. So much anger, anger for the man who had killed his mother, anger at people he had no eight to be angry at like his father for not having this deep regret and pain in his chest that he felt would never go away. He was angry at Chris for not having found a way to keep command, for not being here for him like he had been for years. He was angry at Kirk, angry at him for being who he was, his opposite, a man who was both intelligent and emotional. And he hated himself for being more like Kirk than he would like to admit, more ruled by his emotions than any Vulcan should be. Angry at being less emotional than any Human should be. And most of all for not having been able to save his mother, and for not making sure she knew that he loved her.

He found himself staring down at the pad in the transporter room. His mother was meant to have been there. His mother would have known what to say to him. She would have understood how he was feeling; how he could understand Kirk's want to fight despite the illogic of it. He'd lived on Earth for years, he had found a home there that Vulcan had never offered. He had found a mate there, he had leant about love and friendship and loyalty. Was he wrong? He knew the numbers; he knew the chances of winning in a battle with Nero. But had he really considered it, logic told him that the chances of one ship saving Earth were too low to be considered. That if they were destroyed in battle with Nero they could not rouse the fleet in the Laurentian system and that would give Nero more time to destroy other federation planets. Logic said sacrifice earth to save the federation. Emotion said don't let it go, don't let earth go, look at what Human's could do. Look at Nyota look at his mother look at what the human race were capable of. Love without apology, love without limits, love against all odds against all logic. How could he let his mother's home planet be destroyed? How could he let his bondmate's family be killed? But how could he defy logic?

" Speak your mind, Spock."

Spock heard his father voice He knew that he had followed him to the transporter room.

"That would be unwise."

" What is necessary is never unwise."

"I'm as conflicted as I once was as a child. "

" You will always be a child of two worlds. I am grateful for this. And for you."

His father was grateful that he was half human? He had always thought that his father was disappointed with him whenever he showed the slightest hint of humanity. At least he had been as a child when he had lost his temper. How could his father be grateful for a child who was never quite Vulcan.

" I feel anger for the one who took mother's life. An anger I cannot control."

Spock admitted as a child of two worlds.

" I believe, as she would say, do not try to. You asked me once why I married your mother. I married her because I loved her."

Spock looked at his father in shock. How could he have not seen the pain in his eyes before? How could he have not noticed the pallor of his face the slight trembling of his fingers? How had he not noticed his father was in agony?

Spock had left school early to avoid the boys who bullied him. It had got worse lately and he had started to grow angry. He could not help what he was, he was born half human. The door opened silently and he walked in the high ceilinged hallway. His froze as he looked through the archway in front of him. His father was home, unusual for that time of day. But even more unusual he was holding his mother in his arms., She was tenderly resting her head against his chest and he was trailing his hands down her back.

"You are everything to me Mandy."

Spock blushed and crept past to his bedroom.

His father had loved his mother; his father a man who was always a model Vulcan had married his mother not because of logic but because of love. The love that Spock had felt for his mother, the love he felt for Nyota was not a human weakness. It was inherited from both his father and his mother.

"Did she know I loved her?"

"Yes Spock."

"Thank you father." He said.

He quickly walked past him. He knew what it was that he had to do.

He was not noticed as he returned to the bridge; an intense conversation was taking place between the crews senior members. Kirk, McCoy, the unknown man with the towel Sulu, Nyota. It was the young Russian genius who was speaking hurriedly as Spock stood by the turbo lift.

" Nero will travel past Saturn. Like you said, we need to stay inwisible to Nero or he'll destroy us. If Mister Scott can get us to warp factor four, and if we drop out of warp behind one of Saturn's moons, say, Titan, the magnetic distortion from the planet's rings will make us inwisible to Nero's sensors. From there, as long as the drill is not actiwated we can beam aboard the enemy ship. "

"Aye, that might work." The man Spock assumed was Mr. Scott answered.

"Wait a minute, kid, how old are you?" McCoy asked.

" Seventeen, sir."

"Oh, oh good, he's seventeen." McCoy said. Spock did not know why the man thought the boys age was of much importance seeing as everything he had said was correct.

" Doctor, Mister Chekov is correct. I can confirm his telemetry. If Mister Sulu is able to maneuver us into position, I can beam aboard Nero's ship, steal back the black hole device, and if possible, bring back Captain Pike."

All eyes turned to stare at him.

SPOCK!

This time Nyota's inner voice was tinged with relief.

I am okay Nyota, I know what has to be done now.

" I won't allow you to do that, Mister Spock. "

It seemed that although Spock himself had left Kirk on a frozen planet he himself was not as willing to get Spock off the ship. He probably did not understand why it was logical for Spock to be the one to take this action.

" Romulans and Vulcans share a common ancestry. Our cultural similarities will make it easier for me to access the ship's computer to locate the device." Spock took a deep breath, if he wanted Kirk to allow him this he must explain it in a way that Kirk would understand….he must explain what he felt.

"Also, my mother was Human, which makes Earth the only home I have left. "

"I'm coming with you."

Regulation stated that the tow highest officers on the ship should never go on away mission together, one must always be present if not on bridge then at least reachable. Some how he doubted this would matter to Kirk. And for some reason he thought that all those distasteful attributes Kirk had, the willingness to cheat, to fight, the ability to hack computer systems, they all might come in useful on a mission like this.

"I would cite regulation, but I know you will simply ignore it.

"See, we are getting to know each other."

Kirk clapped him on the arm, much too hard for the usual friendly gesture. Spock frowned openly. Why would Kirk care whether they were getting to know each other?