Hi guys (if anybody is actually still reading what with my atrocious update times), back onto original stuff. Five chapters left. Lets go.

Decisions

March 3rd-4th

After the Enterprise had been cleared from the black hole they had to stop stationary in space. The ship was one thousand and eleven hundred miles from earth. With all the warp engines gone they only had basic power. At the top speed it would take hem over a week to get back to earth. Yet they did not even know if the Enterprise would hold up to that. The brand new ship had been pushed past it capacities and pieces of it's hull plating had been ripped away.

Jim had started to organize teams to check over the ship and ensure the safety of the current engines. Spock had wanted to run full analysis on all the systems and sensors to make sure known had been knocked out but Jim refused him permission. He organized four hour sleep periods for the whole crew so that they could all rest after stress of their battle. Spock tried to argue when he was put on the first rotation with Nyota but he could not openly second guess Jim with demeaning his authority. Also the moment he started to suggest that he manage one of the Engineering teams Jim called McCoy and told him to expect Spock for a health check within the next ten minutes.

Spock had taken a deep breath returned Nyota's sympathetic glance and headed to the medical bay. As he entered he noticed that almost every bed was full. There were two doctors apart from McCoy working and a nurse. They were all treating the walking wounded. Spock had considered leaving and returning to fulfil Jim's order when it was quieter. But he was drawn to the bed where Chris lay unconscious. He looked paler and older than Spock had ever seen him.

"Sedated."

Spock turned to see McCoy stood a few paces behind him.

"I had suspected as much."

"I'm not going to try removing the bug at this moment in time. Our resources are too stretched and it may lead to accidents."

Spock nodded.

"That may be wise."

"Come on, lets get you sorted." McCoy said indicating to the one free diagnosis bed.

Spock could feel his heartbeat increase as he lay on the bed. He would never be fully comfortable with this. McCoy knew not to speak. He typed at his scanner rearranging it for Spock's unique biotype. He passed the scanner up and down Spock's body occasionally and then frowned lightly as he looked at the readout.

"Well, you're stressed but I knew that to begin with."

Spock sat up swinging his legs over the edge of the bed. He would have argued that his body was not under any undue stress but he knew that then McCoy would argue that his mind was under stress and Spock did not need that pointed out to him right at that moment.

"I want you to sleep over this next four hours. And I want you to then eat a nice hot bowl of plomeek soup and kiss Nyota. Also check on your father, I don't have time to be doing constant checks on all our Vulcan's and I doubt they would appreciate my interference. Then, when you've slept and eaten and gone back on duty you are going to take it easy, you are going to run some easy systems checks and let somebody else take responsibility."

"Doctor my job is...

"Determined by my saying you're allowed to do it. Don't make me sign you off duty."

Sometimes Spock really disliked this man. He nodded obediently and refused all offers of sleeping tablets from McCoy. He was happy to leave the med bay, it was noisy and he could admit to suffering from a sudden draining tiredness that had come on since twenty three minutes after they had cleared the black hole. He entered the turbo lift and using his memory of the schematics he walked to the room he had been assigned. The door pad scanned him and somewhere in the computers his name was matched to a door number and a signal was sent for it to click open.

As the door slid open he felt a familiar presence. Forewarned he entered without switching on the light. He saw a dark shadow folded on the floor. As his eyes adjusted to the darkness he could see it was his father meditating. He left quietly.

He felt more tired and more drained than he had in years. He considered logging into the computers data banks and finding who was currently on duty and sleeping in one of their rooms but as he walked slowly down the corridor he realized that there was one place he wanted to be. When he reached the computer terminal he looked up Nyota's assigned rooms. One floor up.

He used his override code to get into the room. There were strict rules as to when the override code could be used. But the chances of Nyota putting in a formal complaint were low. The room was shared, two desks and a set of bunk beds and shelves. Spock had already checked that her roommate was on a later sleep rotation.

In the thin beam of light from the corridor feel across Nyota's peaceful sleeping face. She was curled up on the lower bunk still fully dressed. The short skirt was pulled right up showing glimpses of the red panties under it and the full length of her long mahogany thighs. Spock stepped inside and took off his shoes and over shirt. He was careful as he climbed onto the narrow space next to her. She stirred.

"Spock." She whispered pushing her body back against his. He sighed breathing in the scent of her hair. He fell asleep with her in his arms.

March 7th

Jim Kirk was a tireless leader. It seemed that he was always on duty though Spock knew that was impossible. Humans need more rest than Vulcans. He was always wherever he might be needed taking plenty of time away from the Captain's chair as he visited the engineering department, the deployed mechanics teams, the Vulcan elders and the medical bay. He was respectful of his officers and crew members often thanking them for their hard work and giving them positive comments and encouragements. The ship was checked and then repaired whilst heading back to earth.

It was interesting for Spock to observe that Jim managed to make humorous remarks and keep a friend like atmosphere with his crew whilst still getting their full respect. It was a balance he doubted he would have ever managed even if he did understand the Human sense of Humour.

Most days Spock saw Jim taking breakfast with Chekov. He seemed to have really taken the boy under his wing acting as an older brother type figure to him. It was a demonstration that Jim seemed to know what each of his Bridge crew members needed. When Nyota was tiring Jim would often suddenly turn in his chair and ask her to go down into the com department. Spock knew that on each trip Nyota would take time to sit and talk to some of the girls there and would come back feeling more refreshed. He seemed to know what Spock needed as well. Most of the crew seemed shy of him and kept making sympathetic gestures. Jim did not try to console him or showed him any pity. Instead he gave Spock a range of interesting tasks and responsibilities. It was what he needed.

This man, this version of Jim Kirk was very different from the one Spock had known on Earth. He was different from the man who had pushed him into anger and called him a robot. This man was respectable. A good captain. Who was the real Jim Kirk? Like Spock did he have two separate parts?

March 11th- Star Fleet academy San Francisco

Spock hesitated as he walked into the ward. He did not want to disturb Christopher as he rested. He knew his friend was still very ill, he was recovering from an operation at the top of his spine. It had been a very delicate operation. He would be weak for the rest of his life but he should regain the use of his legs. In truth Spock did not know what to feel. Christopher was his closest friend. He had always been the good advice giver; he had also been a very vital man. Now he was frail, now he had lost his captaincy.

Since arriving back on Earth Spock and Kirk had been crowded by students and reporters, there had been ceremonies and funerals, congratulations and condolences. All of it meant nothing to Spock but he did feel that he did not want the attention but also he did not deserve it. Chris had bordered that shuttle ready to give up his life for his crew. He had known he was walking straight into a situation where he would be tortured and killed. But he had still walked tall and had been clear headed enough to pick Kirk as second in command. Chris deserved some recognition for his bravery.

He walked to the small private room off the main ward. He knocked and Chris's voice shouted 'come in'.

Spock walked into the room. Chris was lying propped up in the bed. There was an oxygen mask next to him and the room was loaded with emergency medical equipment. Chris was hooked to some pain killers and what looked like nerve regrowth solution through wires inserted into his arm. Spock stared up at the screen above his head reading the output.

"Spock." Chris said happily.

"Hello Christopher, what is your condition?"

"You know most people would ask me how I was feeling."

"Given the amount of pain killers filtering through those wires I doubt that you are feeling much."

"Witty, it's not all about pain you know."

"I would assume guessing the lack of stimulus in this room you are also bored."

Chris gave a light chuckle.

"Yes. I will admit to that." Chris sighed and looked down at his hands. "Spock, I heard about Vulcan."

Spock felt his chest tighten in the way it always did when somebody mentioned Vulcan.

"I'm sorry Spock. You're mother was a fine woman."

"Who is your doctor?" Spock asked trying to change the subject. Chris was his friend but he did not need to talk to him. He was managing his loss with meditation. Chris levelled him with along stare then seemed to decide that he would let it go.

"McCoy, good fellow. Won't let me access the computer system because he wants me to rest but he does come in to talk to me whenever his awake. Did you know he has a daughter?"

"Yes."

"Parenthood, it's something we give up isn't it?"

"We?"

"Us officers of the fleet who get caught up in the service. We forget that it's a career, a job, not an entire life."

Spock nodded. He knew a lot in the fleet like that. Those who were dedicated to Star Fleet and nothing else; they were often Star Fleets most successful. They kept everything by the book because they had no outside influences to affect their decisions. If Nyota hadn't come into his life then Spock imagined that he would have been counted as one of them in a few years, he had never thought of Chris like that though. Chris kept to the rules but he did allow his own personal opinions and ideals help guide him in how best to interpret those rules. Chris was obviously in a rather pensive mood.

"You are questioning your decisions in life?"

"No, It's been a good life Spock. I'm just questioning what to do next with it." Chris answered earnestly.

"Your injuries may ground you."

"I'm grounded."

"Surely they could not have decided that already, your body has not had the chance to react to the regrowth solution."

"I have decided that I want to be grounded. "

"You have changed your mind in the last couple of months."

"I've decided not to let Star Fleet be my life. I've decided it's time to now let my duty to be to my own heart. I'm getting sentimental in my old age."

Spock remained silent.

"Sally. The pilot I told you of last year, the woman I love. The woman I have loved for the last twenty years. She's been visiting every day and we've been talking about the future. Staying here in San Francisco together. There's even still the chance of children. But if not then just the two of us."

"You would be content with a sedate life?"

"Sedate?" Chris laughed. "It's just another adventure Spock. I'm getting more than I deserve Spock, she's giving me another chance after I've let her down. The desk job at Star Fleet is more than I deserve too, what after I gave Nero the codes."

Spock tilted his head to one side. It was a confusing statement. An illogical statement, but then Human's often blamed themselves for things they could not have done any differently.

"You could not help it."

"I know, I still feel guilty though." Chris admitted looking away.

"Christopher, my friend, nobody blames you except yourself."

March 17th

Spock was growing slightly worried he had come out of his mediation room to find his apartment empty. Nyota was usually home from finishing up the last of her lectures (though given the fact that she had proven herself in battle already she had a guaranteed position on the Enterprise) before they ate at seven. Tonight Spock had eaten alone. It was now close to eleven o'clock at night and Nyota would usually be getting changed for bed.

It was unusual for her not to ring to let him know where she was or when she would be back. He felt around with his mind to find her. He knew that if she did not wish her privacy to be interrupted she was hide her presence from him. Instead he felt her presence and a few glimpses of where she was. Spock took a moment to decide what to do and decided that he should go to her, though he had not been looking into her emotional state he had felt some distress from her.

He walked to the student block. It was unusually quiet these days. A lot of the students had taken time off, the death of most of the third year class had taken friends and siblings and reminded the others that they were Star Fleet officers and they were not indestructible as such. The whole of the academy seemed to be in shock. It suited Spock, he did not think he could handle drunk students at the moment. It would seem disrespectful, so many had lost their lives.

He placed his palm on the door pad outside Nyota's old room. The door slide open and stale air hit his nose. Nobody had been in this room in over a week. The colour changing plant on the windowsill was dropping sadly. Spock had thought that Nyota had wanted to keep him company. But perhaps there was something else he had overlooked due to his own grief. He knew this to be true as he looked through the darkness and saw the shape of Nyota curled up on the bed her body wrecked with chocking sobs. It took him another moment to realize that it was not Nyota's bed that she was curled upon, it was Galia's. He had obviously not been looking after his mates emotional health in the way he should.

He sat down at the side of the bed and placed his hand upon Nyota's shoulder.

"I'm sorry." Nyota choked out.

"Why are you apologizing?" Spock asked making his voice as soft as possible.

"You lost more than I did."

Spock nodded. He understood. Nyota had been hiding her own depression so as not to worry Spock whilst he dealt with his mother's death.

"Nyota, my mother was not the only one to die that day." Spock said stroking his hand down her back in soothing movements.

"I didn't realize until we got back, I mean I knew she was dead she was on the Farragut, no survivors but it wasn't till I saw her bed that I knew she wouldn't be coming back. I had to come get some more clothes. She's gone Spock." Nyota turned to look up into his eyes through the darkness. "She's gone."

Spock pulled her into his arms and held her tight. It was a long time before the sobs the wrecked her body abated. Then her fingers were reaching up and stroking down his cheek and it had felt like so long since she had touched him in that way though it could not have been more than a few weeks. Her soft lips were desperate against his and before he could fully realize what was going on he was responding just as desperately. It was as if they need to feel something other than this sadness and pain. Lust seemed a good replacement. Spock pushed her strong soft body down into the mattress.

Nyota pulled away her breath panting in Spock's ear.

"We can't have sex on her bed." She said sounding surprised at herself and her actions.

"I do not know why. It would be an adequate way to honour her memory." Spock answered.

Nyota laughed, it was a hysterical and not particularly sane laugh but Spock felt it was better than the tears. Spock flipped them over and Nyota buried her face in his shoulder.

"She was amazing, wasn't she?"

"Yes. " Spock said thinking of the always smiling girl who seemed to live life to the fullest even if she did not follow any system of morals in existence. She had been happy and confident in herself and despite her faults she has a large measure of kindness.

"My best friend." Nyota said sadly.

"Yes, I was grateful to her for that. We shall always remember her and always honour her."

Later

Nyota had asked to be left alone for the night. She had said she just wanted to spend a night sleeping in Galia's bed before the room was cleared of her belongings. She had said she just wanted to smell her and to hear her voice. Spock had nodded. He could understand how she wanted to be close to her lost friend.

His mother had died fourteen days ago. He missed her. He had often gone months without communicating with his mother. He had only missed her in the first few months after he had arrived on earth when everything was strange and he had been an oddity to his classmates. But Now he missed her, now he longed to hear her soft voice one more time. He wished he was a child again and they could have that easy contact with each other. He wished to feel her fingers carding through his hair and her soft whispering voice telling him everything was fine as he breathed in that smell of lavender and roses that she grew in the garden mixed with the soft spices of the home made meals she cooked. She was his mother, irreplaceable and although he had always known her life would be shorter than his the idea that she was mortal had never really fully entered his mind.

He sat down in his apartment in front of the com system. He wanted to call her even thought he knew he couldn't.

He knew that it was pointless to think about what may have been. Things were as they were and cannot be changed. Still, he was alone and for the first time in weeks there was nobody to hide his emotions from, no reason to be holding them in. Perhaps sometimes, in a safe environment where his decisions affect nobody but himself in the moment emotion can be given a little control.

He looked at the screen in front of him and imagined his mother as she had been the last time he had talked to her on the system. But the last time he had talked to her he had not given her any time. He had been busy. How he wished for those minutes back. How he wished he had a little more time with her. He imagined her wide brown eyes and patient smile looking out the screen at him.

"Mother, you guided me well. I think I finally understand what you tried to tell me so many times. I am half human and Half Vulcan but they are two halves that make a whole. They can be harmonious; they do not have to fight. I thank you mother. I love you mother."

He felt something wet on his cheek. He looked up wondering if there was a leak in his roof. But there was nothing wrong with his ceiling. He lifted his fingers slowly to his cheek and wiped the wetness away only to find that more was making a cool path down his face in an increasing flow. He stared stunned as he came to the conclusion that he was crying. Then he closed his eyes and flung himself down onto the sofa letting the pain come and wash over him. It was an outlet he desperately needed; a human act of mourning for his human mother.

March 20th

"That's it class. I would say good luck with your exams but it may make you believe that you do not actually have to be properly prepared to succeed. I shall merely say goodbye, I hope your Star Fleet carers are what you expect them to be."

Spock packed his PADD and folders back into his satchel. He looked up as he heard the muffled sound of clapping. The seats of the class used to be half full, now it consisted of fifteen students. Most had been on the Enterprise, some were advanced second years and one had been unfit for duty when the distress signal had come. They were stood up and applauding him. He nodded slightly to them and left through the side door so he did not have to pass them.

Spock did not notice much as he walked back to his apartment. He was silently going through lists of the repairs the Enterprise was under going. He also had application forms from those on active duty who wanted to fill the spaces of the lost. He unfortunately knew that some of them just wanted to work under the now famous Jim Kirk as he seemed to be the favourite to take over the captaincy of the Enterprise. Of course there were a lot of people better trained for the job but it was good publicity to have the 'hero' of earth take on the ship that saved Earth. Jim kept saying that it was the whole crew and Spock's own fearless actions that stopped Nero from destroying Earth. Spock had taken him aside and told him that though obviously his contributions to the Nero mission had to be recorded in the proper places but he did not really want any avoidable attention. Jim had understood. He took all the attention on himself handling it well and respectfully always mentioning the need to remember those who had lost their lives and give there family the space they needed to mourn.

Spock did not notice his father stood outside his apartment door until he was nearly upon him. Spock was not expecting to see his father there. They had talked since the Enterprise had returned to earth, usually brief conversations about the organization of the Vulcan survivors. Life had to continue for those left behind, apartments and medical resources had to be found. Details of survivors had to be made and the thousands of orphaned children who had been packed onto ships when the distress signal had spread across the planet had to be placed in foster families. Once temporary measures had been sorted out the elders and Star Fleet officials had turned the conversation to the long term survival of the species. They had not mentioned his mother since their talk in the transporter room.

"Father."

"Spock."

"Do you wish to come in for a cup of tea?"

"I am here to speak to you. A beverage would be appreciated."

Spock opened his apartment and headed for the kitchen. His father followed him. He made tea and they sat across from each other on the table.

"It has been decided that the remaining Vulcan's will find a suitable planet to colonize."

"I suspected that would be the outcome."

"You have not been present at the federation meetings concerning Vulcan."

Spock thought about how best to answer. He still had duties to Star Fleet, but admittedly if he had asked for the time off to attend the meetings he would have been given permission. It was more that he did not wish to attend them. The memory of the destruction of Vulcan still affected him emotionally. He did not wish to show those emotional reactions in front of other Vulcans.

"I was not sure how welcome I would be. " He answered cautiously.

"As a member of Star Fleet or as a half human?"

"Both. "

"You're skills are needed."

" I was never needed By Vulcan. "

"You are now."

Spock withheld a sigh. He had known this conversation was coming. His scientific education and knowledge of ecology and biology would be useful on a new planet. And with so few Vulcans left and a large number of them being children anybody with knowledge in science, federation languages and teaching was going to be considered of great use.

" I will not betray my culture." Spock said slowly. "But I have other responsibilities. Myhelp will most lkl to be indirect or short term."

He could not easily leave the life he had created for himself on Earth, nor the future in Star Fleet with Nyota that he had been expecting.

"There is a meeting tomorrow. I would appreciate your presence and input." Sarek stood up leaving the empty cup on the table. "We would all appreciate you there."

Spock knew that by 'all' his father was referring to the elders who had been on the science academy. Those same people who had seen his mother as a detriment, had seen him as a half breed- half correct. He would neither try to impress them or hold onto the old grudges he felt towards them. It was a different universe now. He had put his life in danger to save them because saving them had ensured the safety of his culture.

He was torn.

This was the survival of his culture.

But this was his life.

"I will attend. But it does not mean that I have made a choice."

Sarek nodded slowly.

"A choice will have to be made at some point Spock. Consider your options carefully, know where your duties lie."

"I do father."

March 25th

Spock stared at the screen in front of him. He silently cursed his father. He knew that this was partly to do with his interference. It presented him with a difficult decision to make.

Mr. Spock

Due to the current circumstance we wish to notify you of our decision to offer you five years leave. If you wish to take it we ask that you complete your teaching duties before departing. You may also be called upon to act as a liaison between Star Fleet personnel and the new Vulcan colony wherever they choose to settle. We wish for your decision by the 14th of April. If you choose to not take it then you will resume the position upon the U.S.S Enterprise when it departs on the 30th of April.

Sandra McPhee

Head of Staff, Star Fleet Command.

Spock sighed and stood up. He felt so tired. He went to his mediation room. He needed time to think this through.

April 1st

They had made love. It had been the first time since the distress call; it had been slow and gentle and silent. He was no longer torn. But he was not content with his decision. Nyota's cheek was soft as it nuzzled against his chest. Her slow heartbeat reverberated through his side. They were linked together through this slow heartbeat. They were linked together through their bodies and minds and emotions. The thought of leaving her was painful.

He would go to Vulcan though. He cared about the future survival of his culture. For thousands of years every Vulcan had worked to keep their ethical codes upheld, to pass them on to their children. The ways of logic and knowledge, respect and harmony were the underpinnings of the Vulcan way of life. It was who they were. With Vulcan gone and the majority of the population dead it was an important time for their culture. It was a time where they could pull together and work out the disharmonies and prejudices that had remained with their society. It was a time when they could promote greater following of the philosophy of IDIC, create a society that accepts differences and allows equality for all as Surek had first foreseen. But it was also a time when they could loose all that they were.

He had a desire to stay with Nyota. He had never wanted them to be separated. But he could not ask for her to accompany him. He could not ask her to put her career aside to accompany him. Their duty and responsibilities were taking them in opposite directions. It was as if his Human side and Vulcan side were at war once more. Duty verse want. Love verse logic.

Nyota stretched against him. Unthinkingly he stroked his hand down her back.

"I love you T'hy'la."

Does this chapter make sense? I've been pretty damn exhausted whilst writing it and I think my judgement is screwed.